My New Old Favorite

My favorite song for the last year or so is Alice In Chains "Brother". For the longest time I really could not tell you why. I was and still am a massive Alice In Chains fan and believe them to be the top band of their era and especially style yes even higher then Nirvana and Pearl Jam.

To me music is an emotional journey and I look for musicians that I can relate too. Alice In Chains I can relate to even though our source of pain is different. Where Layne Stanley battled heroin addiction and I was fighting depression but the pain he and Jerry Cantrell wrote then performed I understood.

Brother was written by Cantrell for his sibling in a way to bring them closer together but when I hear the song coming out of Layne's mouth that is not what I hear or vision.

Frozen in the place I hide
Not afraid to paint my sky with
Some who say I've lost my mind
Brother try and hope to find

You were always so far away
I know that pain so don't you run away
Like you used to do

Roses in a vase of white
Bloodied by the thorns beside the leaves
That fall because my hand is
Pulling them hard as I can

You were always so far away
I know that pain and I won't run away
Like I used to do

Pictures in a box at home
Yellowing and green with mold
So I can barely see your face
Wonder how that color taste

You were always so far away
I know the way so don't you run away
Like you used to do
Like you used to do

To me this song is about Borderline especially recovering Borderline where you are searching for that real person that you know is in there but is having difficulty coming back to the surface. My real self disappeared when I was three or so out of fear as the wrong reaction from my end would produce either an emotional barrage or a physical one. I hate the concept of an "inner child" but maybe it applies here as the adult in me is trying to convince a little boy that he does not need to run and hide anymore, that is okay to come out from under the bed and that I know the way now where we can be happy and more importantly safe.

The thing that bothers me the most about the stigma that is attached to Borderline Personality Disorder is that I get the impression that people think that I chose this path like someone chooses to drink or do drugs to cope. In a way I chose but not in the same way for at the time in my life I realized to protect myself I needed to basically be someone else or put forth an image that would protect me and not draw attention so instead of expressing my emotions I turned them inwards as I never knew what behavior of mine including speaking would end up in a bad lesson learned so I only spoke when spoken too and I did absolutely everything that was asked for and somewhere along the line I began to separate in to two different personalities in a way. The one was the little boy you saw in Church every Sunday smiling and laughing the perfect child but the child on the inside was afraid of the dark, afraid of any little noise and learned how to read people to prepare for any reaction. Over time the little boy inside began to fade and the Church boy was more and more present but he was standing on a teeter tooter trying to maintain an image that he believed others expected of him so at times his balance would shift suddenly and he basically exploded with frustration while at the same time he was trying to protect his brother who was hiding in a dark corner terrified of the light. Now it is time to bring the real me back to the surface and teach him all of the things he should have learned decades ago. To all of those who believe Borderline Personality Disorder was a conscious choice you are right, when I was three years old I chose a path that would keep me safe and now I have this wonderful disorder.

You were always so far away
I know the way so don't you run away
Like you used to do
Like you used to do

Rest in peace Layne I hope you have finally found the peace you were searching for