Dealing With The Aftermath Of A Slip

I remember the last major self harm episode like it was yesterday. It was three weeks into a hospital stay and I had been self harming pretty much all along. This day was no different then any others just the same ole stuff that I allowed to build and I needed a way to get it out.

The hospital ID bracelet was the tool of the day and with a small amount of effort I reached that desired point and created another scar that is not going away anytime soon. When it comes to people who have self harmed for a long time there is no such thing as a 100% safe enviroment. Anyway back to the story. For whatever the reason that day something clicked in my head that this was not the answer to my problems and if anything was just creating more difficulties. I decided it was time that I stopped this behavior for good ... again. This was also the day I was introduced to Seroquel and I am sure that had something to do with it as it normally prevents my brain from racing out of control where I then turn to self harm to bring it back down to speed.

It would have been five months yesterday but late last week I slipped then I slipped again. If I was looking for an excuse I doubt it would be too difficult to find but the same reason why I cut is the same as when I was thirteen which is instead of dealing with issues head on I chose to swallow them whole and it lead to a situation where either I took control by cutting or I waited til I exploded so I took the route that I know very well.

So now I am in a position that most people who are striving for recovery from self harm and that is to get back on the horse or accept the monster back into my life. This may sound like an easy choice but it is not for when self harm is present in my life things tend to go a lot smoother as it becomes the answer to everything and unfortunately does the job to well. The other side though is I know that like any addiction it does not take long before it is controlling me. At first it will be a small amount for big problems but like every other time it will end up with me blacking out in the middle of a cutting session and basically throwing my life up in the air without knowing whether or not it will land the right way. I can not forget the last bad cutting session was deemed a suicide attempt by the doctor.

There really is only one option and that is to dust myself off, learn the lessons that were taught and jump back on the horse. Take care