A Mental Health Check Up

I guess it is time that I take a peak at how I am doing mentally to figure out what the next steps should be and if any major changes need to take place.

Mood Swings - It has been a long week and it is really beginning to show through. One second I am enjoying the experience the next I am trying to run away from it. Losing my temper way to quickly over the smallest things is never a good sign as it usually means the depression monster is beginning to gain more and more control. My brain is so use to the antidepressants to give it that extra kick that I am beginning to think that it is time to go back down that road again as the last two months without it have not exactly been pleasant. The question is which one. I still have dental work to be done so that basically gets rid of the MAOI class but problem is I have been through most of the others and none of them lasted long. With Seroquel, an anti psychotic, I am going from not thinking at all to thinking to damn much and neither state is therapeutic.

Sleep - Taking longer and longer to fall asleep but once I do then chances are I will remain in the comatose state for the next ten plus hours. This last week there has been dreams of psych wards and whether it is my brain trying to tell me something or there is no meaning what so ever I don't have a clue. Not really complaining as they are a heck of a lot better then the typical PTSD nightmares where I wake up feeling like I got my butt kicked all night.

Weight - Surprisingly there has been no change in the last month as I seem to be stuck at the 204 mark but mind you a lot of the muscle is beginning to convert back so this should be enough initiative to start exercising on a routine basis but of course the excuse is I need to have energy to do so which is just not there. Keep forgetting to eat outside of the main meal per day which is not good but I am never hungry. Guess the best thing I can do is make out a routine that includes meals and exercising and some how stick to the darn thing. I have a lot of good intentions it is just too bad I seldom follow through for very long. Major change needed here.

Self Harm - The streak still continues but the damn urges are growing more and more intense as time goes on. Mind you I know the reason why and it is pretty simple as there are emotions and situations I am basically ignoring with the stupid thought that it will just disappear. You would think I would know better and I do but that does not seem to make a difference. The BPD part of my brain is there to keep me safe and that includes from myself so when it sees an issue that is capable of causing mental damage it quickly tries to separate from it which is good on some levels but disastrous on others. Some how I need to figure out how to strengthen my emotional coping mechanisms so the need for self harm will go away. Again easier said then done.

Overall - It feels like I am spinning my wheels as I have the pedal pushed to the floor but I do not seem to be moving. One perspective is pointing to medication for that little push which may make all the difference but the majority is pointing towards therapy. Of course when it comes to therapy it is self therapy as every other door appears to be shut but it may be time to start going through different sites and use the resources that are available. DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) seems to be the most obvious starting point now all I have to do is actually do it. take care.