Random Thoughts

I want my mother to understand what I deal with on a daily basis but I am beginning to think that no matter how much I explain it to her that she will never truly understand. Now my mom is a bright woman who wants to be able to empathize with what I am going through but I don't think it will happen to a level where we are both satisfied.

She is staying with me for the next ten days or so and already early in she has seen the sudden switch of emotions where I can go one extreme to the other in what seems like a heartbeat. One moment I am the ideal son and in the next moment I am walking that line between sanity and insanity. When I finally stabilized I tried to explain that certain words or actions tend to bring out these loose cannons of emotions and it does not matter who the other person is as I only know how to attack one way which is to aim straight for the jugular. She asked if I was able to control these emotions and the honest answer is it depends on the day or possibly the moment and I never know when the emotional onslaught is going to happen until it appears. My mom is use to dealing with me with phone calls every few days that last around twenty minutes or so which normally I am able to keep it at a safe level but now that she is here I can not put on that healthy mental role for more then a few hours at a time and this bothers me something awful. There is a small part of me that wishes for a few hours that we could trade brains so she would see the impact that mental illness has on my life and the amount of effort it takes to stay on this side of the sanity line but of course that is not possible.

This extends to my doctor who I believe all he sees is my diagnosis and not the human being standing behind it who is begging for his life to reach a somewhat normal level but instead I end up fighting him every step along the way for him to see me and not the words that are written down on the file. I am a human being who has spent the majority of my life trying to help others in one way or another and I believe that is who I truly am but what if this is just a distortion from the Borderline brain that on the high end sees everything in a positive light. The doctor has said that when things are going well I see everything in a positive light but the second something comes at me I quickly descend back into the negative Borderline mind set where nothing is good and I see everything as an attack. Is it possible that my mental illness has such control over me that I can no longer decipher what is positive and what is negative. Does my mental illness control me and defines who I am as a person. I don't know and to be quite honest I am not sure if I really want to know. Does everyone around me know that I am sick and the show that I put on clearly shows the illness and I have yet to realize this.

I have studied long and hard trying to figure out my diagnosis. There are areas of Borderline Personality Disorder that could have been written specifically for me that I continue to fight against but is this battle going after the disorder or is this just a distortion that acts as a tool to get from one step to the next in order to reach recovery. All of the steps that I have taken, all of the work that I have put in have they actually accomplished anything in the large scheme of things? The Borderline brain sees things in a completely positive way or a completely negative way with nothing in between. I keep telling my doctor I am making these wonderful steps towards progress and his typical response is this a shift in perception and it is likely that when my perception drops to the negative point my mind will take it that no positive steps have been made. How can you tell if your progressing when your reality is pretty much a illusion that at any time can swing one way or another where on Monday I am making tremendous progress but on Tuesday nothing has been accomplished so I should just deal with the cards that were dealt and make the most out of it.

I have said more then once that I carry four major diagnosis and they do not define me as the person but maybe this is wrong and over the last three years I have become my diagnosis. I guess the final piece is that if I am my diagnosis my future dose not look very appealing and chances are I will end up doing what so many others in my positions have done and end the game on a permanent basis. A four year old boy is the reason I continue to strive forward and fight for every square inch but on days like this it seems for every two steps forward is followed by two steps back so why should i continue to fight and the only reason I have left is if I take my life the chances are very high it will scar my son for life and he is what is important to me. My own life means very little to me but I am willing to fight for my sons sake. I just wished I knew if I was actually making progress or just spinning my wheels. My life is controlled by perceptions for when my self image is doing well I am indestructible and has all the strength and determination in the world but when I am doing poorly I think that all of my efforts means nothing. My brain is a funny thing and the hamster on the wheel must be smoking crack for he is constantly going in different directions.

I wish for the people in my life could wear my shoes for a day and then maybe they will understand the true effect that mental illness has on my life. Take care.