I Need To Get Out Of My Head

My mind is similar to a haunted house as you never do know what is waiting around the next corner or that closed closet door. Every time I think I have found the way out it turns out to be an illusion for the path that leads to recovery is full of smoke and mirrors. Opening the wrong door leads to the past coming straight at me like a runaway train. Images from the past that I am still unable to justify after three long decades. The power and strength that I have built up throughout this battle are shattered as easily as the mirror that hold my self image. Crawling through glass trying to make sense out of the broken pieces while my soul is slowly being torn apart.

Who I was, who I am and who I want to be is a puzzle that has to many false pieces. I keep working away trying to figure out what this picture will finally look like if it is ever completed. The self image that I created to keep me safe can no longer stand on its own for I recognize it for what it is which is who I wanted to be and not who I was. The little boy who was shoved deep into a closet in order to keep him out of harms way never had the change to grow and develop like he should have. Emotions that should make complete sense by now still appear like a mystery for all that mattered was what others thought and not what my heart was trying to say. The real me seemed to bring up the wrong emotions in the people entrusted with my care and well being so I did the only thing I could and became what they wanted me to be.

Now I am lost and searching for who I am suppose to be according to me. What parts of my personality are real and which ones are just an illusion to keep others away. Why do I stick to the "I do not care what others think about me" yet seem to be constantly searching for some kind of confirmation that I am a good person who is worthy. The fear that I will finally figure out who I am right down to the smallest particle then come to the realization that I hate who I am. Tired of spending every waking moment trying to make sense of the garbage that runs through my mind. Tired of using all of my energy fighting this invisible monster known as mental illness and I am tired of trying to convince myself that one day I am going to win. I need to figure out a way to stop living in my head. Take care.

Borderline Personality Test