This Week Is Going To Suck

I am rather detailed oriented where I like to have everything planned and laid out well in advance. By being able to do so I can prepare mentally for whatever happens to be written down on the calender. For example I have a dentist appointment on Thursday morning and even though the staff of the dental office are really nice people I know that the time I wake up is going to have to be modified a bit to make sure that the Seroquel has a chance to work before the appointment begins. On Friday is the monthly appointment with my doctor so I know the days leading up to it a slow burning anger is going to begin to build as everything that seems to be wrong with the mental health system in this country this guy seems to personify. The answer to this is to write out absolutely everything in advance of the appointment to make sure that everything I want to be covered is regardless of the emotional state that I happen to be in that day. Through out the past I always seem to go into these appointments with a rage basically on hold just waiting for him to say the wrong thing but what normally happens is my anxiety rate is through the roof so the focus changes from attack to getting the hell out of his office as quickly as I can.

The problem this week and more then likely the coming weeks is the house that I am currently living in is being put on the market so the real estate agent is just going to call out of the blue to set up appointments so complete strangers can wander through my little sanctuary. Sometimes I have a day or so to prepare but in other cases it is only a matter of hours. This lovely little process started on the Friday just passed and lets just say it is a good thing that I have that as needed dose of Seroquel on hand. Not overly crazy that the dose is now up to 350mg most days but at the same time I realize that the med is doing what it is suppose to do which is basically keep me out of trouble. Of course that brings up my other concern which is most of the strides I have made towards recovery have more to do with chemical assistance then anything else. Take away my meds right now and it would be a countdown to an explosion that is guaranteed to leave a mark.

Been dreaming of self harm a lot lately which is not a good thing and I need to figure out quickly where it is coming from before I end up back on that slippery slope. It is one thing to tell your doctor that you briefly loss control over this demon but it is another trying to explain the scratches that cover your body were inflicted while you were asleep.

Yep no doubt about it this week is going to suck. Take care.