Well this month is officially over halfway done so lets recap the campaign so far.
The Official Declaration
1. BPD SERIES ONE - Borderline Personality DSM Criteria. All of the official qualifications needed to get this lovely disorder using examples from my own life.
2. BPD SERIES TWO - Highs and lows of Borderline Personality Disorder. The goal was to show how one person can have two completely different views on the same subject with a shift of perspective.
3. BPD SERIES THREE - A crash course on manipulation and Borderline Personality Disorder. A post that tries to make sense out of a negative behavior.
4. BPD SERIES FOUR - Borderline Personality Disorder. Basically the difficulty of living with this disorder and how it makes smart people stupid.
5. BPD SERIES FIVE - How I diagnosed myself. BPD is so obvious that my doctor never realized it then I did something stupid and opened my mouth.
6. BPD SERIES SIX - Rage? Want to see a rage? The reasons why an extreme reaction seem necessary in the land of BPD.
There it is my so called attempt at trying to put my spin on BPD and hopefully increase the awareness surrounding this potentially devastating disorder. Overall this great plan of bringing out Borderline Personality Disorder on a much larger level through the act of the official declaration seems to be rather quiet in my opinion throughout the media but again that is not a surprise.
I read over at Furious Seasons that Mel Gibson has come forward to say he suffers from manic depression (that is Bipolar for those living in the twenty first century) and to be honest part of me was thankful he did not say it was Borderline Personality Disorder. Now whether this diagnosis is accurate or he is looking for a way to get his career out of the gutter remains to be seen. Take care.
Borderline Personality Awareness Campaign
BPD Series Six
Part six of the this series deals with what most people find to be the scariest element of Borderline Personality Disorder, the rage. Like everything else on the blog someone else's experience with it may differ from my own.
Rage? Want To See A Rage?
Today the plan should of have been to stay home and just avoid society as the Nardil withdrawal has been kicking my ass. No patience, sore bones and a brain that cannot decide what kind of mood it wants to be in. The problem with my great plan was that I needed to go to the pharmacy to pick up the rest of my Seroquel pills for the month so I psyched myself up then put on my best smiley happy face and made my way out the doors. This great sense of being lasted till I jumped into my car and reality came crashing back down, oh well at least I tried. On the way to the store my brain was stuck on this notion that my meds would not be in which basically leaves me screwed. So instead of doing the healthy thing which is preparing a back up plan I took the BPD route and prepared for a confrontation or a rage as those people in white coats call it. My brain pieced together a plan of attack which was along the lines of "The hell with your excuses this is my life you are messing with" and then I ran through every possible response that I could think that they could use then prepared my response to it to ensure all bases were covered. These poor people had no idea what was coming but turns out they would never find out as my meds were there waiting.
Rage is a big part of Borderline Personality Disorder and probably a main part that fuels the stigma but rage like a lot of different areas of this illness is not what it appears. People think that when a person enters a rage that they have no control over their emotions and there is no logic just frustration attached to it, in my case ah no. For me ninety eight percent of my rages are completely in control and for the most part have been rehearsed well in advance. The logic behind it is pretty simple the person did something that I did not like so I need to make sure it does not happen again so here comes the rage. I know this is not the proper way and it is very rare that I actually go this route anymore. For a long time rage would "appear" when someone would say something that would jeopardize the stability of my very rocky false self image so I had to respond to make sure it would not repeat and sometimes the best solution to get people to listen is to yell or teach them a painful verbal lesson. I use to have this mentality that if you hurt me I will destroy you which I really probably should not admit too but that is the reality and I am very good at it. Manipulation factors in here as well and here is an example. Say you want to get rid of the girlfriend but you don't want to look like the bad guy so you set up a rage to make it look like it is her fault. You direct the conversation till she says something that could be considered as a trigger then you let the rage do all of the work which normally ends the relationship. Mentally my BPD is thinking if she did not set off the rage then the relationship would not have ended so it is her fault and I have no guilt over it even though I completely controlled the whole ending. How does my brain justify this? If she knew me better she would have never would have been led down the path that led to the rage. Nice eh. Guilt is a foreign concept when it comes to BPD for guilt happens when you do something wrong or ashamed of but everything a BPD does is right or at least it is to them. This is also the same reason why most people with Borderline Personality Disorder will never be officially diagnosed as they do not see anything wrong with the way they think and the people in their lives who keep suggesting they get help are just jealous that we have more control over our lives then they do which means they are the ones who really need the help and are acting out of jealousy.
This is a BPD slogan if you will when it comes to confrontations "I may not always be right but I am never wrong". Never get in an argument with someone with pure BPD as you will never win and they will never admit that you are right. By admitting they were wrong puts their whole self image out of whack which they can not allow happen as their entire life is based off of certain perspectives that they have created and one dent in the armor may lead to the whole mirage to crumble. Like I said when your at the height of BPD you will protect the false self image with your life and the only thing that matters is to keep their creation on a pedestal for when it falls they fall. Rage is the wall that surrounds the castle and designed to keep all enemies out no matter how much they may make sense.
For me to drop my "wall" the first thing I had to realize and come to terms with is what I was protecting was not really there. There is no castle just a bunch of ideas and perspectives of who I thought I should be to keep myself safe and not who I actually am. The real me is running around naked in a field trying to figure out what the hell happened and how to put the pieces back together the right way. Take care.
BPD Series Five
In the continuing series on Borderline Personality Disorder this little article goes through the events that led to my diagnosis. When I first wrote this post I was still struggling with my diagnosis and was trying to answer a number of questions in my head. Some three months later the same questions remain unanswered.
How I Diagnosed Myself
Back in October of last year I was sitting in a hospital bed trying to figure out a way to get back on the road to recovery and the decision I made was to put absolutely everything down in written form then hand it over to my doctor.
The first time I took on this process I just ran through my life without giving much detail more of a glimpse through the window into my soul. The doctor was overly excited about this written material and he claimed that he learned more by reading five pages of writing then he had in the previous two plus years. I took this as a positive sign so I set out to write version two of the same story but a lot more detailed but again not the complete story. Once again the doctor responded that I was making great strides by focusing so much on the areas in my head that I was moved to write what turned out to be my complete profile or as complete as I was willing to share for there are parts of my life that I am still unable to talk or write about.
This third book broke my complete life down into sections and how I dealt or didn't deal which each part. For an example of the intensity involved it took the section dealing with my fathers death was about a page in length but it took me three hours to write it. After I had completed this book, each day I would hand my doctor a couple of pages, my doctor said "every time you meet a new doctor or a new therapist give them this journal and the success of the relationship will be greatly improved". My doctor then replied in his history as a doctor he had never had a patient who was able to go into their brain and analyze the way that I am able to do. This was a huge ego boost but didn't last long for he then came back and said "this is your gift and this is your curse as your brain just can't leave anything alone so your constantly reliving events instead of putting them to rest". I thought about what he said then I decided to create my own treatment plan thinking no one knows my mind like I do so I am the best person to plan out the route to recovery.
I wrote out this treatment plan where I listed out all of my issues both present and historical then I created a recovery solution but I made a critical mistake. At the top of my treatment plan I wrote out what I believed my diagnosis should be and what had already been confirmed. The two confirmed were severe major depressive disorder with psychotic features and post traumatic stress disorder. The two left were generalized anxiety disorder and borderline personality disorder both of which my doctor agreed on a little bit too quickly. Then for some reason things began to get weird as our discussions were no longer on recovery but of me remaining stable. A week or so later I wrote out another plan of what I needed to do to get better and the doctor fully agreed then said there was no chance the hospital would be able to provide it, I asked for an intensive therapy program, so I asked to be discharged to get the help in the community and again he agreed. I saw him a month later and told him how no therapist would even let me in the door and the doctor replied this is not a surprise as you are too borderline for therapy to be effective. Which means I am untreatable in english.
The part that still bothers me is I wonder what would have happened if I had never brought up the Borderline diagnosis and if I did not would it have came to the surface. Was my doctors fast reaction due to him wanting to say it earlier but didn't for whatever the reason or did I answer a lingering question that was already on his mind. The other part is how on Thursday I am making great strides to recovery but when the Borderline diagnosis came up on Friday all of a sudden I was untreatable. Common sense just does not work when it comes to mental health apparently.
In case your wondering about the accuracy of the diagnosis I meet eight of the nine of the criteria so not only do I pass I pass with flying colors. See this past article for a breakdown of the criteria. Take care.
BPD Series Four
Well we are nearing the half point in May and I have not noticed a whole lot of Borderline Personality awareness articles out there through the media. Is this a surprise? Nope. Anyway here is part four of my little series on BPD.
Borderline Personality Disorder
Ever wanted to know what it feels like to be treated like a leper? Get a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and you will come really close. Doctors, therapists and other people see those three little letters and they run like hell. BPD automatically gives you the reputation of someone who is a master manipulator, only cares about themselves and views the world though a black and white perspective with nothing lying in between. Is this accurate? It depends on the day.
A long time ago a small child became fearful of expressing his emotions to the so called grown ups that were in his life in fear of a response that is far from being pleasant. So what is this child to do? He learns how to survive and the first step is to keep all emotions bottled up inside then to present an image that will keep him safe. This new image begins to create a new personality where on the outside it looks like he is a strong stable person but on the inside it is constant turmoil. This new self image becomes the most important factor in the child's life so he learns how to keep this image appear in a positive light and develops a system to make sure that this image is kept in tact, for the better state of the new personality the better the child feels about himself. Some people are able to let this figure be put to rest when they enter a more positive stable enviroment where the rest of us allow this imaginary person to become very real and dominate all aspects of our lives and end up with the BPD diagnosis.
Living with BPD is all about maintaining that self image that is rocky at the best of times. This inner personality only cares about how the situation is going to effect him. If someone attacks me in the verbal sense my number one priority is to protect my self image so I do what it takes and unfortunately this means entering a "rage" that will send a message to the person that what they are doing is a very bad idea. A rage looks like the person is completely out of control and has the potential of doing anything but like the self image it is meant to protect it is an illusion as the person with BPD is in complete control. The rage is used to send a very clear message that the person has crossed the invisible line that puts my self image in jeopardy which is not allowed as the better off my internal personality is the better off I am overall so I do whatever is necessary to keep it safe .
Manipulation is used to get the response you are looking for either positive or negative. I rehearse every conversation that I may potentially have to make sure that I am ready and that no surprises will arise. A classic case of manipulation is when ending a relationship is I prepare a conversation that will have the other person set off a rage in me then giving me the excuse I am looking for to make the other person go away. By doing this I have no guilt about the relationship as it was the other persons fault even though I controlled every step of the way it ended. My self image is still stable as I did nothing wrong and if the other person knew me better they would not have allowed them selves to be manipulated so I did the right thing by doing it this way. A long as I can justify it from a logical standpoint then I am fine.
Emotions don't exist for the most part in the BPD world and everything comes down to logic no matter how faulty it may be. BPD sufferers deal in a world that consists of yes or no or black or white with nothing that lies in between. The area that is avoided is where emotions exist and it is an area we do not understand as when most people were being taught how to express their feelings we were in a position where the emotions had to be buried so they never had a chance to grow and understand. What we do know is what other people expect from us in an emotional capacity so we learn how to fake it. I can appear as the most loving boyfriend in the history of the planet but like a lot of my life it is an illusion as I learned how to express my so called emotions by reading Cosmo so I know what each gesture is suppose to mean but for the most part it is an act like an actor playing a role.
Everything comes back to the self image. When my self image is at a good level I see the world in a rather positive way and my behavior reflects this. When my self image is having a rough period my depression kicks in to high gear and I have to deal with all the garbage that comes with it. Needless to say for the longest time I would do what ever was possible to make sure that my self image is kept up high and it justifies most of the actions that I take to ensure my inner personality is protected.
The problem that comes with living your life in this fashion is that nothing is real. My inner self image is a perception or how I view myself the confusion is which version of me is looking. Is it my upper self image or my lower self image that is taking it all in but the problem is neither one of them is based in reality but a series of boundaries, limits and rules that were created to make me appear as someone else not who I really am.
A couple of years ago I realized that every thought and behavior I had was not based in reality but what I perceived it to be. So very slowly I went through my head and picked every thought apart to see where it came from then tried to slowly implement change to bring out the real me which has been a royal pain in the ass because basically I had to start over from scratch and at the same time ignore the impulse that is saying if I let the BPD take control my life would be easier and it would be but not very fulfilling.
The medical and therapeutic community treat BPD like it is not treatable and once your beyond a certain point your destined to live the rest of your life in this fashion. Therapy is ineffective or at least BPD is very difficult to treat as someone who has multiple self images quickly switches from one to the other depending on stability. The goal is to finding the real self image then going to work on it. My doctors have called me untreatable but I have full intentions of proving them wrong once again. I have learned how to stop and analyze the situation before responding which has been a massive step that has made the world of difference as before my response would be to best serve my false self image now I see it from a different light and have realized not everything is a an attack so there is no reason to act as such.
A lot of people with BPD will never be diagnosed for the simple reason they do not believe anything is wrong with their logic. People with BPD run huge companies and corporations with success for everything is based off of logic and emotion never comes into play. This is perfect for a lot of work settings but the problems they cross is outside of work as they feel unfulfilled so they end up working way to much or start abusing substances to fill the void inside of them.
I made a decision to become a better person and to get the life that I deserve but to do it I had to admit that everything in my life was faulty and I have been living a lie since I was three years old. It is unfortunate that the battle is that much harder trying to overcome the stigma that comes with the Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis. I am trying to fix myself and a little help would be appreciated not the medical community writing me off as too difficult to treat.
take care.
BPD Series Three
Another older post I brought out of the archives for Borderline Personality awareness month. This post I took a lot of flack for but I believe it does serve a valuable purpose when it comes to BPD.
A Crash Course On Manipulation And Borderline Personality Disorder
Manipulation is used on a regular basis when in comes to Borderline Personality Disorder but how it is done and why often differs from person to person. For some reason I will go through the various ways I have used manipulation to serve my false self image.
Ending A Relationship -
- For reasons that only the BPD person knows someone in their life needs to go away and in some cases stay away. The problem is if you hastily end it then you look like the bad guy and chances are guilt will appear both which are not allowed in my mind. I will basically set a trap, leading the other person into a confrontation that will appear to set off a rage (which I completely control) by the time the confrontation is over the other person is in a complete state of shock and confusion while running out the door. Now my mind justifies this as it was the other persons actions that led to the rage and if this person knew me better then they would have respected my boundaries then the confrontation would not have happened. The part where I arranged the whole thing my mind just conveniently forgets. So if I did nothing wrong then there is no reason for guilt and I am still the good guy. My fragile false self image is still intact.
Doctors/Therapists -
- The goal is to keep myself out of the hospital and to do that I need to make sure my risk factor is in check even when its not. My doctor is very predictable and tends to ask the same series of questions every time so I basically rehearse my answers long before the appointment happens. If I feel that I need a med change then I make sure the answers are there to support it but mainly it is about keeping that risk factor low. The questions that I need to watch are those about suicidal ideation and self harm. Suicidal ideation questions are answered with a "No more then normal" which is a complete truth but I also know I have been answering this question the same way for so long I doubt my doctor knows what normal is. Self harm is a bit trickier especially when your still cutting so I make sure it is down played with answers such as "I have it in control" or with the answer "Not very often" but again I know my doctor has asked once to see the marks in the fifty plus times I have seen him so the odds are one my side. Right now I am nearing the four month anniversary of no marks what so ever so the answer is no and it is actually no. I don't lie I just don't show the whole picture and the way the system is designed it is very easy to get away with it
Nurses and Others -
- When I was in the hospital a number of staff believed I was manipulating the nurses and in a way they were right but I will try to show you the reason behind it. I am someone who remembers damn near everything and I appreciate people who are honest and open with me. People are basically classified in two sections safe and not safe. If a person is safe then that is who I will go to with any problem, that is who I will go to with any question or concern and when I am half a step away from crossing the danger line that is who I will seek out. If a nurse is classified as unsafe I will do whatever is possible to avoid any interaction with them as I don't feel like I can trust them so what they get is a bunch of yes or no answers and if they try to push it then chances are a confrontation will happen that will send a clear message it is better to just let me be. How does the classification work? Good question. I ask the same questions to a lot of people then take their answers that forms the groundwork. If the person gives me some generic answer then chances are they are going to the unsafe category for my brain sees it as them looking at the disorder and not at me. I watch them interact with other patients and I can see whether or not their heart is in it. Everything to me is about safety as in keeping myself safe so the people in my life need to care about my well being or they need to go away and everything comes back to trust. If I can not trust you to give me an honest answer on something small then why would I trust you on something big such as my health and well being. I believe everyone in the world does this and if you don't think so ask yourself out of all of the people in your life why do you always go to a select few when you need help. When I am in a hospital setting I need to figure out very quickly who my rocks are so to speak because chances are I am going to need them when the wrong situation arises. It pays to know who are safe and who are not but unfortunately I do not create the work schedule. Therapists and doctors will say that the way I see someone will differ from the perspective I am in but that is only half right, the way I see someone that day may differ but I always remember who is safe and unsafe at the core level. The people in my life I try to protect with every ounce of energy that I have and make sure that the relationship is strong and healthy in all areas. To reach that level other people have to go through the testing level and the majority do not make it or last long as my personality is either to strong. My mother does not understand how one second a person can be part of my life then the next second they are gone and I have tried to explain the whole safe and unsafe thing to her but she was raised in a manner where it is important to make everyone happy. I have my fathers viewpoint on this one which is there is six billion people on this planet so there is no sense keeping the wrong ones around as there are a lot more to choose from.
A major problem is that a group of people use both self harm and suicidal gestures to gain attention through a form of manipulation which has led others to believe that everyone with Borderline Personality Disorder does this which is not only wrong but dangerous. What happens if what you saw as attention seeking was an actual warning sign of imminent danger? I don't take the chance as if someone tells me they are in danger I pick up the phone and call 911 for my conscious can not handle a missed warning sign. If someone in your life does this call 911 or drag them to the hospital every single time and if it was for attention chances are they will find a new way to get it where the consequences don't involve a police car and a psych ward. take care
BPD series two
Another post from the past to raise the awareness of Borderline Personality disorder. This article deals with the highs and lows of BPD which is responsible for most of the chaos with this disorder.
Highs And Lows Of Borderline Personality Disorder
Keep in mind the Borderline Personality Disorder highs and lows are not really emotions but based off of perception that comes from a false self image. I think the easiest way to do this is to bring up a number of different situations and show it from both the high and low perspective as it relates to BPD.
Relationships -
A) High - The person I am with is the most beautiful, intelligent, caring, understanding woman I have ever met and I will do anything to maintain this perfect relationship. The other person should be thankful for having someone like me in their life
B) Low - This person is nothing but an aggravation to me who is constantly looking for ways to bring me down and add to the misery in my life. If I could handle being alone then this woman would have been kicked to the curb a long time ago.
- This is all talking about the same person but just a different perspective so when things are going well they are really going well but when they are bad they are really bad. I have been a number of relationships that can be measured in years that were going absolutely amazing on all levels until my brain saw something it took as a threat and I ended up in a low BPD perspective then watched the relationship crumble unless I could figure out what I saw as a threat really was not a threat at all.
Me -
A) High - I am always right, I understand the situation better then anyone else in my life especially the so called `professionals`. I walk into any room and I am immediately the center of attention for I am that good. I can walk through fire and not get burned as I am basically invincible.
B) Low - I am always wrong so it is better to lock myself in the house and stay away from people so they don`t have the opportunity to hurt me. I walk into the room and everyone stares because I look like cousin It. If a situation is bad chances are I will get the short end of the stick every time. My doctors are all against me and they keep adding more and more bricks to the wall so there is no chance of recovery.
- I am also diagnosed with Severe Major Depressive Disorder so it tends to make the low perspective very low. Neither of the above perspectives are safe as the high level I don`t think I can be hurt so I take all sorts of stupid chances. The low perspective on the wrong day has led to more then one suicide attempt.
Therapy -
A) High - My therapist understands every little thing that I deal with on a daily basis and together we have made great strides in my recovery.
B) Low - My therapist surprises me that she/he remembers my name. I have spent countless sessions detailing my life yet no progress has been made of any kind. All the sessions are a paid form of torture as all the therapist does is attack me and destroy my self esteem. I am better off on my own.
- This is how someone with Borderline Personality Disorder destroys therapists as one session they are God and the next session they are the Devil all from a different perspective of the client. The problem is even on high BPD moments nothing is being accomplishes as it is not real.
Everything in recovery is about finding that nice stable place right in the middle of the high and low where the real self image is. The first step for me was to recognize the stage I was in and doing what it took to get to the neutral position and learning how to stay there. With a lot of effort I put a buffer between someone else`s actions or words and my response to make sure my actions are coming from a neutral state and not a high or low false perspective which to be honest is a royal pain in the ass but it is getting easier as time goes by. There are still certain situations that will put me into a negative state but like I said I am in recovery and not recovered.
Living with Borderline Personality Disorder is like being drunk standing on a see saw some days and you never know which way you will lose your balance but your pretty sure it is not going to be good. When it comes to confrontations the person with BPD is more then likely in a high BPD stage and will fight like hell to stay there as the other side or the low end usually means your fighting yourself and in my case a battle to keep breathing.
I hope that this post helped cleared up the differences between the two stages and remember this is my perspective and chances are it will differ to a certain degree from other people cursed by this disorder. Take care.
Borderline Personality DSM Criteria
With May being Borderline Personality awareness month I have decided from time to time to reintroduce posts that covered this section. The first one of the so called series deals with the criteria "required" to meet the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder.
Borderline Personality DSM Criteria
Ever since I started this blog I have been spending a lot of time cruising different posts on various issues of mental health and the lack of quality information is troubling so I figured the best way to start, besides me posting a not nice comment that people should do their homework before opening their mouths, is to start with the manual or encyclopedia of mental illness. For of you that are not familiar with the DSM its real name is Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders and most doctors refers to it when diagnosing a patient. They are on version five right now and the current edition, number 4, was created in 1994 but there was an update if you will in 2000. The next edition is due out in 2012. The information that I will use comes from the last update.
To meet the Borderline Personality Disorder criteria if you will a score of at least five out of nine is required, this is a test you want to fail by the way. Anyway I will list the criteria then try to explain it in english using examples from my own life. Bare with me as this is the first time I have ever tried to do this.
A quick review first - BPD consists of three separate personalities in which two are not real but perceptions and they are, well how I see them, 1) High Self Image 2) Low Self Image 3) Real Self Image. Remember the purpose of BPD is to maintain a high self image level but like I said it is not real but a perception. K, lets get started.
1) frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
- basically this means if your buddy says he can not come over because he is busy you take it as he does not like you anymore so you do what it takes to ensure yourself your thought is not true. Some people will cause a commotion that will ensure that they get people's attention for even if it is negative attention it satisfies the thought that you are not alone which is more important then the consequences you will have to deal with for causing the commotion. Personally this area really shows up when someone is late or cancels at the last minute and it takes a lot of work to remember sometimes things happens and it is not the person abandoning me.
2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
- there is a very good book out on the marketplace and the title sums up this criteria very well "I hate you, don't leave me". This one took me a long time to figure out but I knew I was doing it at the time. I could be in a relationship where the other person was just constantly on my nerves so my stress was high as heck and I knew I should get out of the there. The next day this person was the best thing that ever happened to me so it rules out all the insecure doubts I had the day before and then the next day that person was back on my nerves and then the next day.... it is all about perception and which personality is at work: if it is a high BPD day you are better then the queen and everything is perfect, if it is a low BPD day I really have no idea why I am wasting my time on you. It is a rather pain in the ass but once your on the road to recovery it is one of the first areas that calms down, mind you this is also a big reason why therapists do not like treating people suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder for when the person is in the positive stage therapy appears to be going great but when it is in a negative stage the person is more concerned about the therapists saying the wrong thing (in a BPD mind) so they are on guard to attack in order to serve their self image then the actual therapy involved. Like I said recognizing the three stages is a massive step so you realize what you are doing and why.
3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
- pretty self explanatory the highs and lows you see with relationships with other people are the same issues you have in the relationship with yourself. Good days I am on top of the world and on bad days I spend the entire day trying to convince myself I should keep breathing. My depression/MDD really kicks in on bad days so I tend to go a lot lower.
4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
- on high BPD days you believe you are invincible so normal rules do not apply to you. In my case I do what I want for I am too smart not to get caught or I am better then the average person. Lots of fun in the high BPD stage but it is also incredibly dangerous. The sex part is basically trying to bang everyone you meet at the extreme end but being promiscuous also satisfies the attention needed to boost the self image. The sex part means nothing to me and has never been an issue but it can be for a lot of people with BPD. My real self shyness and awkwardness prevents promiscuity even on my high end BPD days
5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
- I don't really like this category as they are talking about attention seeking behaviors on the extreme end. I have a self harm history but the last reason I do it is for attention and the great lengths I will go to hide it pretty much cements it. to many people are automatically labeled BPD when they self harm but this has more to do with lazy doctors and therapists who jump to conclusions. If I want attention from self harm I would display it at every chance I get but the number of actual scars would be really low as all you need is a few to get the desired effect but I have hundreds and have been "caught" three times participating in self harm behavior and two of those times I did it because I understood I was in danger and needed help immediately. When I was in the hospital the last time I wrote the people in charge of my care a letter that should have been taken as a suicidal intent letter but they chose to ignore it and I believe they felt I was just seeking attention, if a picture of my son was not running through my brain my ass would be dead. Every suicidal treat or gesture should be taken with a 100% seriousness and this category is dangerous because of it. Do you really want to take the chance that the gesture or threat is not real? A wrong response can end up with a dead body. If a BPD person in your life uses this type of threat to gain attention call the police every single time as they are a risk to themselves or others and trust me if they were in it just for attention this behavior will quickly seize to exist. I am hoping in the next version of DSM this criteria will at the very least be reworded.
6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
- I deal with depression as well so this category really does not apply to me as my bad depressive stages tend to lasts for weeks if not months. The reason behind this category is your created self image is so flimsy that it is hard to work off of it as one moment you are way up there and the next your digging out of a hole which is why BPD go through such great effort to maintain there perceived self image. It is difficult for those around the person when he or she is all over the place but try living with the damn thing.
7. chronic feelings of emptiness
- this never effected me in the BPD sense until I started to become aware of the different stages of personality and perception, Now I see my life as something I did not own or participate in for a very long time for I was to focused on keeping steady the self image I had created. Not a nice day when you realize your life has been one big lie.
8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
- BPD is created initially to protect yourself from the world that you are in so everything comes down to safety. When I feel someone is putting my self image at risk I attack for the most part as this is the basis of the disorder, I need to send a message that this will not be tolerated and make sure the person fully understands this or in some cases makes sure they do not come back. It takes a lot of work like I continually mention to maintain a rocky self image and when someone seems to attack it you take it very personally. The last person you want to get into a confrontation with is someone with BPD as our lives have been one confrontation after another so we tend to be very good at it and we don't know how to lose. A simple comment along the lines of "You should have done this instead of that" may seem innocent to someone without BPD but when this disorder is a part of your life that comment just said that you are not very smart and not very aware of the situation so it attacks the core beliefs that we had created in our self image especially when the person is untreated and has not acknowledged the different stages of personality and perception. Think of something you have total belief in and how would you react if someone attacked it, its the same thing.
9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms
- For whatever the reason my brain can see someone and believe that the person has no good intentions what so ever. The big one in my life is my mental doctor who a lot of the time I believe does not care what happens to me so he just wants to give me the fastest answer possible to get me out of his office. I actually have a problem with this with the majority of people in the medical community so I go in with a belief that the only person who cares about me is me so I need to be on constant guard when dealing with them. The problem is those who take the BPD stigma so seriously add to this by treating me like a leper so for a long time I saw the whole community based off of a few nitwits but within time I have gotten better mostly due to a buffer I now have in place that requires me to think and view the whole picture before responding. I try to give all the professionals a chance but very few will get a second or third shot with me which is something I am trying to work on. Another part to this criteria is what I call making people go away - I end a relationship with a friend or partner and a few days later I will not even acknowledge that they are alive or even right in front of me as my brain does not believe it should store information or emotions on someone who is no longer in my life so when I end a relationship my brain takes the name out of my inner directory and throws it into the garbage. Awhile back I ran into an ex girlfriend who I was with for over two years in high school and I was looking at this woman, who at one point I would swear up and down the street that I would love til the end of time, and couldn't figure out if I even knew this person. Later on in the day parts of the memory that contained her showed up but it took a lot of effort on my behalf to do so. If you are in my life I will go to great lengths to make sure that your are happy and safe but if you are not in my life you are no longer a concern. Everyone I meet gets a chance to enter my life in some way or another though a friendship or a relationship or even as a acquaintance as long as I can see that their is something positive about the person as I will not surround myself with negative people but when your in your in and when your out you are really out. Someone can go from a loving girlfriend to a stranger in the blink of an eye which is kind of good as I really do not carry a lot of baggage but it is sad that a person can go from one extreme to the other which causes internal guilt now that I see the picture for what it is.
Anyway five plus out of nine means your a leper ... I mean you meet the required standards to be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, if you passed I am sorry but remember doctors are not always right and with enough work you will prove them wrong and societies stigma for that matter. If you failed be thankful but remember just because someone is BPD does not automatically make them a bad person. The part that gets me is that I was not diagnosed until I was in my thirties and when I told people of my diagnosis some of them began to treat me different and others ended their relationships with me but do they not realize the person I was a long time ago was also BPD just not officially diagnosed. Guess that tells you how powerful the stigma is when it makes smart people stupid.
***After thought - like everything else on this blog this is my opinion and my perspective. Use what you learn here as a starting off point not as a confirmed medical or therapeutic diagnosis. If the above diagnostic criteria read like your life story go see your doctor or a therapist to make sure that you are a leper .... did it again I mean BPD. Then come back and I will try to help you interpret the message that they gave you
A Disclaimer Of Sorts
*** This blog contains a lot of material that may be potential triggers for some so a little bit of caution is required ***
The problem with putting your soul out into the open is that everyone gets to see it and some will jump to the wrong conclusions which is to be expected. The intent of this blog was never to be a place to come for concrete information surrounding a bunch of different diagnosis but a place where I allow complete strangers into my brain to see the world as I see it. There are and will be posts that will have hit the nail completely on the head but at the same time there are and will be view points that are completely distorted as that is the reality of mental illness.
I am not trying to paint mental illness with a wide brush but give people an idea of what goes through my head and why I do some of the things that I do to serve a specific purpose. There are and will be posts that will completely offend others but at the same time it may help others see an issue more clearly but all I can do is offer my perspective and let others decide.
If you want concrete information about a specific disorder there are a lot of valuable resources out there but if you want to experience mental illness from one persons view then this may be the blog for you. The purpose all along is to share my perspective and hope it shines a different light on an old problem which leads others to question the stigma that is associated with mental illness.
There are a lot of people out there whose whole view of an illness is due to the interaction of one or two people and do not like this blog or me as it does not fit neatly in the box that they have created to put everyone with a specific disorder in. This blog is just me and my life in a odd form of therapy where everything that is on my mind is shared with others.
I am not a doctor/therapist nor do I pretend to be one on TV, I am just a man who is in the middle of a battle with mental illness who decided to make it public in the hope it will help others.
A Crash Course On Manipulation And BPD
Manipulation is used on a regular basis when in comes to Borderline Personality Disorder but how it is done and why often differs from person to person. For some reason I will go through the various ways I have used manipulation to serve my false self image.
Ending A Relationship -
- For reasons that only the BPD person knows someone in their life needs to go away and in some cases stay away. The problem is if you hastily end it then you look like the bad guy and chances are guilt will appear both which are not allowed in my mind. I will basically set a trap, leading the other person into a confrontation that will appear to set off a rage (which I completely control) by the time the confrontation is over the other person is in a complete state of shock and confusion while running out the door. Now my mind justifies this as it was the other persons actions that led to the rage and if this person knew me better then they would have respected my boundaries then the confrontation would not have happened. The part where I arranged the whole thing my mind just conveniently forgets. So if I did nothing wrong then there is no reason for guilt and I am still the good guy. My fragile false self image is still intact.
Doctors/Therapists -
- The goal is to keep myself out of the hospital and to do that I need to make sure my risk factor is in check even when its not. My doctor is very predictable and tends to ask the same series of questions every time so I basically rehearse my answers long before the appointment happens. If I feel that I need a med change then I make sure the answers are there to support it but mainly it is about keeping that risk factor low. The questions that I need to watch are those about suicidal ideation and self harm. Suicidal ideation questions are answered with a "No more then normal" which is a complete truth but I also know I have been answering this question the same way for so long I doubt my doctor knows what normal is. Self harm is a bit trickier especially when your still cutting so I make sure it is down played with answers such as "I have it in control" or with the answer "Not very often" but again I know my doctor has asked once to see the marks in the fifty plus times I have seen him so the odds are one my side. Right now I am nearing the four month anniversary of no marks what so ever so the answer is no and it is actually no. I don't lie I just don't show the whole picture and the way the system is designed it is very easy to get away with it
Nurses and Others -
- When I was in the hospital a number of staff believed I was manipulating the nurses and in a way they were right but I will try to show you the reason behind it. I am someone who remembers damn near everything and I appreciate people who are honest and open with me. People are basically classified in two sections safe and not safe. If a person is safe then that is who I will go to with any problem, that is who I will go to with any question or concern and when I am half a step away from crossing the danger line that is who I will seek out. If a nurse is classified as unsafe I will do whatever is possible to avoid any interaction with them as I don't feel like I can trust them so what they get is a bunch of yes or no answers and if they try to push it then chances are a confrontation will happen that will send a clear message it is better to just let me be. How does the classification work? Good question. I ask the same questions to a lot of people then take their answers that forms the groundwork. If the person gives me some generic answer then chances are they are going to the unsafe category for my brain sees it as them looking at the disorder and not at me. I watch them interact with other patients and I can see whether or not their heart is in it and I look for tells that say this person is here for the money and not the patients. Remember I have worked on the other side of the fence so I have a lot of interactions and people to compare it to. There are a lot of good mental professionals out there who are doing it for the right reason but at the same time there are too many who have reached the burnt out stage and need a career change before they end up as a patient. Everything to me is about safety as in keeping myself safe so the people in my life need to care about my well being or they need to go away and everything comes back to trust. If I can not trust you to give me an honest answer on something small then why would I trust you on something big such as my health and well being. I believe everyone in the world does this and if you don't think so ask yourself out of all of the people in your life why do you always go to a select few when you need help. When I am in a hospital setting I need to figure out very quickly who my rocks are so to speak because chances are I am going to need them when the wrong situation arises. I had an extremely bad morning when I was in the hospital and there was no safe staff on duty so I knew I needed to come up with a way where they would understand quickly that I was in danger and needed help. I sat down and scribbled down a note that basically said help me I am in danger and through some peoples perspective it could have been called a suicidal note. I finished the letter and then dropped it on the nurses desk to which a number of them watched me do so then I went to my room and waited for the calvary to come in. Then I waited and waited until I reached a point where either I had to do something to stop myself from ending my battle on a permanent basis or to take that road to a never ending sleep. I hate to say this but self harm saved my life yet again and the damage was to a point where four plus months later it is very easy to see the marks that I caused that day with a poster pin. Two days later my doctor asked me about the note and he was shocked to hear me say "You are the first person to ask me about it". The doctor knows me pretty well and asked if the damage was high to which I nodded my head. Needless to say the nurses on duty at the time of the note received a lecture they won't soon forget. It pays to know who are safe and who are not but unfortunately I do not create the work schedule. When it comes to online dating I do the same thing asking the same simple questions over what ever time period and taking note of different answers all for the same reason I need to know who is safe and I need to know who I can trust. Therapists and doctors will say that the way I see someone will differ from the perspective I am in but that is only half right, the way I see someone that day may differ but I always remember who is safe and unsafe at the core level. The people in my life I try to protect with every ounce of energy that I have and make sure that the relationship is strong and healthy in all areas. To reach that level other people have to go through the testing level and the majority do not make it or last long as my personality is either to strong or they really do not understand who they are as people which is essential when your dealing with me. My mother does not understand how one second a person can be part of my life then the next second they are gone and I have tried to explain the whole safe and unsafe thing to her but she was raised in a manner where it is important to make everyone happy. I have my fathers viewpoint on this one which is there is six billion people on this planet so there is no sense keeping the wrong ones around as there are a lot more to choose from.
A major problem is that a group of people use both self harm and suicidal gestures to gain attention through a form of manipulation which has led others to believe that everyone with Borderline Personality Disorder does this which is not only wrong but dangerous. What happens if what you saw as attention seeking was an actual warning sign of imminent danger? I don't take the chance as if someone tells me they are in danger I pick up the phone and call 911 for my conscious can not handle a missed warning sign. If someone in your life does this call 911 or drag them to the hospital every single time and if it was for attention chances are they will find a new way to get it where the consequences don't involve a police car and a psych ward.
Highs And Lows Of Borderline Personality Disorder
Since my last post a number of people have emailed asking for a more descriptive explanation of the different Borderline Personality Disorder self images so that is what I will attempt to do. This is also the area where a lot of people seem to confuse BPD and Bipolar disorder. Both disorders do have their high and low periods but the main difference is time where someone with Borderline may experience several mood switched though out a single day someone with Bipolar may enter the one mood frame for up to months at a time. I really have not studied Bipolar in great depth so if I am wrong again someone speak up but I am pretty sure this is right.
Keep in mind the Borderline Personality Disorder highs and lows are not really emotions but based off of perception that comes from a false self image. I think the easiest way to do this is to bring up a number of different situations and show it from both the high and low perspective as it relates to BPD.
Relationships -
A) High - The person I am with is the most beautiful, intelligent, caring, understanding woman I have ever met and I will do anything to maintain this perfect relationship. The other person should be thankful for having someone like me in their life
B) Low - This person is nothing but an aggravation to me who is constantly looking for ways to bring me down and add to the misery in my life. If I could handle being alone then this woman would have been kicked to the curb a long time ago.
- This is all talking about the same person but just a different perspective so when things are going well they are really going well but when they are bad they are really bad. I have been a number of relationships that can be measured in years that were going absolutely amazing on all levels until my brain saw something it took as a threat and I ended up in a low BPD perspective then watched the relationship crumble unless I could figure out what I saw as a threat really was not a threat at all.
Me -
A) High - I am always right, I understand the situation better then anyone else in my life especially the so called `professionals`. I walk into any room and I am immediately the center of attention for I am that good. I can walk through fire and not get burned as I am basically invincible.
B) Low - I am always wrong so it is better to lock myself in the house and stay away from people so they don`t have the opportunity to hurt me. I walk into the room and everyone stares because I look like cousin It. If a situation is bad chances are I will get the short end of the stick every time. My doctors are all against me and they keep adding more and more bricks to the wall so there is no chance of recovery.
- I am also diagnosed with Severe Major Depressive Disorder so it tends to make the low perspective very low. Neither of the above perspectives are safe as the high level I don`t think I can be hurt so I take all sorts of stupid chances. The low perspective on the wrong day has led to more then one suicide attempt.
Therapy -
A) High - My therapist understands every little thing that I deal with on a daily basis and together we have made great strides in my recovery.
B) Low - My therapist surprises me that she/he remembers my name. I have spent countless sessions detailing my life yet no progress has been made of any kind. All the sessions are a paid form of torture as all the therapist does is attack me and destroy my self esteem. I am better off on my own.
- This is how someone with Borderline Personality Disorder destroys therapists as one session they are God and the next session they are the Devil all from a different perspective of the client. The problem is even on high BPD moments nothing is being accomplishes as it is not real.
Everything in recovery is about finding that nice stable place right in the middle of the high and low where the real self image is. The first step for me was to recognize the stage I was in and doing what it took to get to the neutral position and learning how to stay there. With a lot of effort I put a buffer between someone else`s actions or words and my response to make sure my actions are coming from a neutral state and not a high or low false perspective which to be honest is a royal pain in the ass but it is getting easier as time goes by. There are still certain situations that will put me into a negative state but like I said I am in recovery and not recovered.
Living with Borderline Personality Disorder is like being drunk standing on a see saw some days and you never know which way you will lose your balance but your pretty sure it is not going to be good. When it comes to confrontations the person with BPD is more then likely in a high BPD stage and will fight like hell to stay there as the other side or the low end usually means your fighting yourself and in my case a battle to keep breathing.
I hope that this post helped cleared up the differences between the two stages and remember this is my perspective and chances are it will differ to a certain degree from other people cursed by this disorder.
Speaking of different perspectives I forgot to mention one of my favorite BPD personal sites the other day so go visit her at Avoidance Junkie for a different view into the life of someone else with BPD.
What Not To Do When Dealing With Someone Who Is Mentally Unwell
1. Baby us - I understand that I am sick and you are trying to help but by treating me like an infant reinforces my own thoughts that I am basically useless
2. Speak louder then normal - I have severe depression, post traumatic stress disorder, borderline personality disorder and generalized anxiety disorder none of which effect my hearing or will get your advice/suggestion/support through quicker
3. Speak to me slower then normal - Again I have multiple of disorders that at time distorts my thinking or perception but none of which affected my intelligence level. Treat me like an idiot and I will make you look stupid.
4. Treat me like I am going to break - A wrong comment or a slight slip is not going to send me running for the deep end. Trust me the garbage I tell myself is a hundred times worse then anything you can say.
5. Use cliches - Telling me to pull up my boots and charge forward or to just focus on the positive reinforces the idea that I need to surround myself with smarter people who understand the difference between a case of the blues and severe depression. If it was that easy do you really think I would still be in the same position.
6. Forget who you are talking too - The person that you remember from five years ago is the same one standing in front of you. When the diagnosis was dropped on me with borderline personality disorder the only thing that changed is now I am fortunate enough to carry a suitcase full of stigma with me. Hate to break it to you but I have always been borderline and the only difference is the way you now look at me.
7. Leave me alone - When a person enters the dark world of depression the first thing they do is isolate themselves to simplify their own world. By giving me space to figure out things on my own reinforces the negative thoughts in my head saying I am alone fighting a battle that I am positive that I will lose. A simple phone call reminds me that there are reasons to keep fighting and that when I need it someone is there.
8. Focus on the disorders - The best part of dealing with other people means I can allow my attention to go elsewhere for a while and not the battle in my head. The story of your child's trip to the library is as helpful to my recovery as any med.
9. Ignore the warning signs - If I am doing something that appears to be negative and on a path that leads to nothing good then be my friend and speak up. I spend so much time in a bad head space that at times I do not realize the danger that I am in as it all seems normal to me.
10. Believe the stigma - According to the borderline stigma I have no heart and I am incapable of appreciating the needs of another human being as I only care what effects me. If this is so then can you explain to me the reason behind this blog where I am literally exposing my soul in order to make life a little bit easier for someone else. I am not an exception to the rule when it comes to borderline but the portrait the stigma portrays is the exception. Always look for the human being and then the disorders not the other way around. Remember mental illness effects one out of five people so tomorrow someone you love could be in my shoes and how would you like people to treat them?
The Funny People In White Coats
The first year or so after I had my breakdown I would do exactly what my doctor said in the belief that he had the answers to my situation but reality kicked in when I realized that no progress was being made and if anything I was going the wrong way rather quickly.
Part of the problem was my doing and I will be the first to admit it. The doctor in order to provide the best suggestion needs the proper information to do so. The poor information that I provided comes from a Borderline brain that spends to much time looking for potential attacks and not the situation which really cuts down on a healthy interaction. The last trip to the psych ward I knew I had to find a way to overcome the barrier with my doctor so I began to write everything out from moods to urges to the odd thoughts circling through my brain and just handed the sheet over to the doc at the start of our daily meetings. By doing this I ensured that everything I thought and wanted to be covered in our appointment would take place plus it provides the doctor with the right kind of information where then he could suggest the best course of action to take. The other side to writing everything out is it will show you and the mental health professional any patterns or trends that are in your life so tools can be created or implemented to try to alter any negative routes. My doctor can never play dumb with me and say the typical "You have never mentioned that" to get out of a difficult situation as everything is written down in black and white.
What I have found or heard from a lot of people with mental health difficulties is that they are unhappy with the relationship with their doctor. I ask why and normally the answer is "The doctor just tells me what to do and I am expected to do it" when I ask if they ever question their doctors logic or approach the answer is no so again I ask why to which they respond "He/she is a doctor so they know more then I do so there is no point " or something close to it. I question everything for the simple reason being if I am going to do something I want to understand why I am doing it. The other reason is to make sure my doctor stays on his toes and that will increase the odds of his suggestions applying to my individual case and not a answer that applies to people within a certain diagnostic group. My Mother said it best "Your doctor works for you so make sure he earns every cent"
Comments And Emails
As being new to the world of blogging I probably spend too much time staring at the number of people who pass through this site when the real focus should be on the comments and emails I have received in the last few weeks or so.
A number of different people have added me to their list of sites they visit which is a rather neat thing to see and hopefully it will help against my personal crusade against the stigma that surrounds mental disorders plus offer a real account on what it is like to be struck down by various mental disorders.
Yesterday I received a very nice email from a lady who helps run The Florida Borderline Personality Disorder Association and I went to see the site which is full of a lot of helpful information especially when it comes to treatment. The site also finds negative stigma on the net and attacks it full force which I appreciate.
Well my blog showed up on a forum for non BPD which is basically a site for people who have had a relationship or experience with someone diagnosed as borderline. I am not overly crazy about non BPD sites as they tend to do more harm then good with the passing of wrong information and it seems to many people on sites similar to this one have dealt with a couple of people with BPD and somehow feel qualified to judge the whole BPD spectrum at once which is just wrong in my opinion.
I tried to join a Google group last week and I really did not read the requirements before sending in my so called application to join the group which was promptly denied. When I saw this group all I saw was borderline recovery but after I was denied entrance I figured out .... well actually I read it on their manifesto that people with borderline were not welcome and it was for those who had "suffered" from the actions of someone with BPD, I would imagine there is a lot of bashing going on in there. The groups owner does have his/her/it blog which I spent some time at and realized that no one is actually visiting the site, there was not a single comment to be found and all the articles were ripped off from somewhere else so I can't see the group being much better. When I was five years old a fat kid stepped on my toe and broke it so now I hate all fat people ... nice mentality but a lot of non BPD sites seem to think the same way.
Anyway this was my weekend roundup post and there will be another one later on today but if you really want to see the inner workings of mental health pay a visit to the sites mentioned above. If I forgot to mention you just send me an email. Later.
Untreatable ... Maybe Their Right
The whole untreatable label is getting to me today. Normally I switch it and see it as a positive as fuel for the fire to beat whatever someone else put up against me but today is not the case. I keep thinking that my life is two perspectives and I either see the positive in everything or I see the negative in everything and respond accordingly. I started to think about my real self image and came up blank. It is almost like I have to decipher every piece of my personality and put them into boxes to determine which self image is at play and I have this odd feeling the box that counts is going to have nothing in it or at least close to nothing in it.
Everything in my life appears to be a role. I interact with people in a certain way depending on who they are and what my relationship is with them, I interact with my family a certain way but 99% of the time it is not reals as I don't want them to worry and at the end of the day I try to find the real me but I am no where to be found. Even when I am being completely open and honest is it really me or is it just another illusion.
When it came to work I always had the thought that I was capable of fixing what ever was put in front of me but I stand looking in the mirror and do not recognize the face I am looking at let alone the issues that need to be dealt with. What happens if I put hundreds of more hours into my self therapy and at the end realize all I did was strengthen the perspectives plus lose my real self even more, I can't fix what I can't see. The one day where I believed everything my doctor said is the day I wished he lied to me.
Rage? Want To See A Rage?
Before I get to my daily blurb today has been a milestone of sorts for my little corner of the web. My blog was mentioned in someone else's work and another person asked permission to link my site into a blog currently in the creation process. Borderliners do not handle compliments well as we are constantly looking for the angle but I must admit this new support is greatly appreciated. Do me a favor and go visit Dan at Healthy Living That Fits Your Life and once the other site comes online I will pass on the link for now visit her at A Stellarlife.
Today the plan should of have been to stay home and just avoid society as the Nardil withdrawal has been kicking my ass. No patience, sore bones and a brain that cannot decide what kind of mood it wants to be in. The problem with my great plan was that I needed to go to the pharmacy to pick up the rest of my Seroquel pills for the month so I psyched myself up then put on my best smiley happy face and made my way out the doors. This great sense of being lasted till I jumped into my car and reality came crashing back down, oh well at least I tried. On the way to the store my brain was stuck on this notion that my meds would not be in which basically leaves me screwed. So instead of doing the healthy thing which is preparing a back up plan I took the BPD route and prepared for a confrontation or a rage as those people in white coats call it. My brain pieced together a plan of attack which was along the lines of "The hell with your excuses this is my life you are messing with" and then I ran through every possible response that I could think that they could use then prepared my response to it to ensure all bases were covered. These poor people had no idea what was coming but turns out they would never find out as my meds were there waiting.
Rage is a big part of Borderline Personality Disorder and probably a main part that fuels the stigma but rage like a lot of different areas of this illness is not what it appears. People think that when a person enters a rage that they have no control over their emotions and there is no logic just frustration attached to it, in my case ah no. For me ninety eight percent of my rages are completely in control and for the most part have been rehearsed well in advance. The logic behind it is pretty simple the person did something that I did not like so I need to make sure it does not happen again so here comes the rage. I know this is not the proper way and it is very rare that I actually go this route anymore. For a long time rage would "appear" when someone would say something that would jeopardize the stability of my very rocky false self image so I had to respond to make sure it would not repeat and sometimes the best solution to get people to listen is to yell or teach them a painful verbal lesson. I use to have this mentality that if you hurt me I will destroy you which I really probably should not admit too but that is the reality and I am very good at it. Manipulation factors in here as well and here is an example. Say you want to get rid of the girlfriend but you don't want to look like the bad guy so you set up a rage to make it look like it is her fault. You direct the conversation till she says something that could be considered as a trigger then you let the rage do all of the work which normally ends the relationship. Mentally my BPD is thinking if she did not set off the rage then the relationship would not have ended so it is her fault and I have no guilt over it even though I completely controlled the whole ending. How does my brain justify this? If she knew me better she would have never would have been led down the path that led to the rage. Nice eh. Guilt is a foreign concept when it comes to BPD for guilt happens when you do something wrong or ashamed of but everything a BPD does is right or at least it is to them. This is also the same reason why most people with Borderline Personality Disorder will never be officially diagnosed as they do not see anything wrong with the way they think and the people in their lives who keep suggesting they get help are just jealous that we have more control over our lives then they do which means they are the ones who really need the help and are acting out of jealousy.
This is a BPD slogan if you will when it comes to confrontations "I may not always be right but I am never wrong". Never get in an argument with someone with pure BPD as you will never win and they will never admit that you are right. By admitting they were wrong puts their whole self image out of whack which they can not allow happen as their entire life is based off of certain perspectives that they have created and one dent in the armor may lead to the whole mirage to crumble. Like I said when your at the height of BPD you will protect the false self image with your life and the only thing that matters is to keep their creation on a pedestal for when it falls they fall. Rage is the wall that surrounds the castle and designed to keep all enemies out no matter how much they may make sense.
For me to drop my "wall" the first thing I had to realize and come to terms with is what I was protecting was not really there. There is no castle just a bunch of ideas and perspectives of who I thought I should be to keep myself safe and not who I actually am. The real me is running around naked in a field trying to figure out what the hell happened and how to put the pieces back together the right way.