The scales of depression

Depression is a bad word and more so when you have to live with it. When you tell someone that your being treated with depression they give you this funny look that basically says "Hey everyone gets depression just stand up, be a man and plow through it" mind you most people hear the bad word they think of a teenager crying because their boyfriend just banged their best friend. To me this is not depression this is the case of the blues that with a little time and a lot of tissue will go away on its own.

I am diagnosed with Severe Major Depressive Disorder with Psychotic features which basically means I am fighting for a life that I have really no interest in saving. I deal with suicidal thoughts on such a regular basis I almost wonder what is wrong when they do not show up. Combine this disorder with my others and I am a sky high risk factor for damn near everything and it means it is beyond difficult to treat effectively. When I say depression I am talking about the type where just getting out of bed is a challenge, you need to remind your self to eat on a daily business and suicide is not only an option but the best idea you have heard about in a long time. Why am I still breathing? Simple answer is I have a four year old child and me taking the easy route out means his life will be effective negatively which is something I am not willing to do. I will live in hell on earth if it means he will have a good life.

People hear my diagnose for this area and the word Psychotic immediately jumps out at them and scares the lights out of them. My Psychotic feature is for a long time I would hear a voice that was not my own inside of my head. This voice would not tell me what to do but would encourage certain behaviors and make sure my good days did not last long. It would have wonderful little comments such as "Wouldn't it be so much easier if you just downed that bottle of pills and just go to sleep for a long time" or "You know every time you cut you always feel so much better afterwards" or to wreck my days comments such as "Remember when so and so did this to you" or "Remember when you walked through the door and saw your father lying in the casket". Not much fun what so ever and you will argue with this damn voice for every waking hour that you have. Took a drug called Zyprexa for a while that shut this voice right up and kept my brain from racing problem was I gained seventy pounds in a six months period so it had to go. Now I take Seroquel which is doing the same thing except for the weight issues mind you I do work out a lot and my antidepressant requires that I follow a pretty strict diet. My Psychotic status does not mean I will stab you with a fork unless you really deserve it then we will see .... I am kidding put the straight jacket away.

I have had a form of depression since I came out of the womb just trace my family tree and there is no doubt where it comes from and why I am cursed with this disorder. There are also situational factors that play into it that are going to require some time on the therapist's couch but since I am also Borderline most of them stay right clear of me. Much easier to treat the simple cases I guess and to the hell with the oath they took.