This And That

I wonder sometimes what people's impression is of me especially those that come from a search engine or what have you and read only one post before taking off. The comment section gives me a pretty good idea sometimes as people send forth advice for that one small segment of my life and my battle. Normally the suggestions are pretty good and may actually help if that was the only situation but of course it is not.

When I started this blog some seven months ago part of the intention was to give a realistic view of what it is like living with a multitude of mental disorders and to hopefully show the complexity of the situation. I am not someone with major depressive disorder or borderline personality disorder or generalized anxiety disorder or even post traumatic stress disorder but my illness is a combination of all four. On their own each disorder has a somewhat standard treatment plan but when they are combined the answers become a lot more hidden. The depression aspect is complicated by the borderline diagnosis for at least in my doctors opinion stands in the way of any sort of talk therapy as I may be too busy looking for a personal attack then concentrating on the actual work needed to be done. The borderline diagnosis on its own is difficult enough but again it is shifted into a difficult monster by the post traumatic stress disorder as the negative self image can go through archives of old traumas to really put me into a hole that is difficult to get out of which then adds to a depression level that borderlines on danger. The generalized anxiety disorder is fueled by the borderline and post traumatic demons as it keeps me on my toes waiting for the next onslaught to hit. Spend all of your time waiting for something bad to happen and guess what something bad will happen.

Each disorder has its own stigma and the majority of them are completely off base. I would imagine when someone hears my diagnosis they can not decide which box to put me in and that is the point of this blog. Yep I have four concurrent mental disorders and they play a huge role in my life but if you can take the time to see past all of the fancy words and see me for who I am then you might be pleasantly surprised with what you find. For whatever the reason this situation has been put on me so I do what I do best which is fight and the decision to make this a public affair in the hopes that people will stop looking at the disorders and start to look at the human being behind the labels battling to get their life back on track. Take care.

Mental Health Journey

With my blog being featured over at The Experience Project I think this is a good time to reintroduce myself. Many of the major areas of my life have been detailed to a certain degree throughout the brief history of this blog but I will use this post as a way to summarize my journey so far.

I have been dealing with depression for as long as I can remember. My family history has mental illness on both sides going back for generations. Chances are I was depressed the day I came out of the womb and have been unable to get rid of this silent monster since.

Self harm started when I was seven or eight with the intention of punishing myself so I would be a "good" child and maybe people in my life would finally leave me alone. Needless to say this did not work. When I was twelve or so I tried to end my life and somewhere in the process I realized that as the blood left my body a sort of cleansing occurred which seemed to make me feel better. What I did not realize is this new monster would stick around for the next two decades.

To be honest I have no idea why I am still alive and there are pieces of my past that are a complete blur. Sometime in my mid twenties I seemed to have found the ambition to get my life back on track. I enrolled in college in Social Service Worker program with the intent of not only figuring out my own mind but also to be in a position to help those in need. The material of the course came very easy to me and I seemed to be flying through the program. In the last semester of college my father passed away and I did what I have always done which is completely ignore the emotional turmoil by throwing myself into another aspect of my life.

I graduated from college in May near the top of the class, in June I started to work at a group home for troubled teens and in July I married my long term girlfriend. For a while I thought my life was finally on track and everything seemed to be perfect. About a year and a half after we were married we were blessed with a beautiful baby boy.

Then things started to go wrong. I was constantly sick and had a lot of problems getting to sleep at night then when I did get to sleep the nightmares made Freddy Kruger look like Big Bird. When my son was about a year and a half I booked an appointment with my family doctor for at this point I knew I was in trouble and was very quickly losing control over all aspects of my life. After a brief meeting with the doctor I admitted that on the way there I was tempted to pull in front of every eighteen wheeler that passed on the opposite side of the road and the suicidal ideations were becoming a normal part of my life. The doctor immediately pulled me off of work, prescribed an antidepressant and made a referral to a mental health doctor. I honestly thought at this point that the med would kick in and I would be back to work in a matter of months but that was not the case.

I met with the mental health doctor a couple of months later and was diagnosed with severe Major Depression Disorder with psychotic features. He switched my medication and so began the experimentation of mental drugs that I have been on over the last few years. A couple of months later Paxil was tried and it effected me in a negative and dangerous way. Within a week of being on this med my self harm behavior went through the roof and it was impossible to tell which mood state I would be in from one moment to the next. With my wife basically threatening to leave if I did not enter a hospital setting plus the push from the doctor I agreed to be admitted into the hospital.

For the next two months I went through talk therapy numerous times per week, a variety of medication was tried and I went through five sessions of ECT. ECT is Electro Convulsive Therapy or what use to be known as shock therapy. After the fifth session it was stopped as I was taking a very long time for me to regain consciousness plus there did not appear to be any real positive changes. At the end of the two months I convinced a floater doctor that I was perfectly healthy and he signed my release papers which pissed off both my doctor and my wife.

A few months after the hospitalization all of the negative behavior had reappeared and the medication that I left the hospital on was beginning to lose its effectiveness. My wife took our child and left as my behavior was to unpredictable. My now ex wife did not make this decision hastily and in a lot of ways I basically pushed her out the door (thats another post).

I went through a number of mental health "professionals" in this period with the first one being arranged by the therapist in the hospital. This is going to sound terrible but it is the way it was and is, I admitted in the third appointment that during a rough period I resorted to self harm to get through the situation. Once I told the therapist this she basically ended the session as she felt I was not stable enough to treat. The next few therapists would reach the same conclusion and stopped treating me.

Fast forward a couple of years and another bad self harm session that through the doctors eyes looked like I tried to take my life again. So back on the psych ward I went but this time it was located in the city's main hospital that did not have a full time therapist on duty because of budget cuts and it makes too much sense. Some time during this admission I decided to tell my mental health doctor absolutely everything that I have been though during the course of my life. The first version was basically just the facts with little to no detail and due to his positive reaction stating he learned more about me in those few pages then he had in the two and a half years prior. I wrote out the second edition which gave details to the facts but still not disclosing everything. Again the doctor encouraged me to keep writing so I started the final version. This last version was pretty intense to say the least and an example would be I talked about my grandfather which is one of the best relationships in my life and a couple of pages took hours to write for every single detail I tried to include in the section. Each day I would submit a new section to my doctor who would read it carefully then gave his take on it. When I finally finished this last book on my life he advised me to give it to every mental health professional that was trying to help me so they would be able to treat me more effectively.

So I figured that no one knew my brain like I do I decided to create a treatment plan that would lead to recovery. I wrote out all of my issues and what would be the best way of treating them. I handed the paper over to my doctor who completely agreed about my plan but then stated that this city's mental health system would be unable to provide the specialized help that I needed. Another part of the treatment plan was to list out the diagnosis that I felt fit me and to this day I wonder if this was a mistake for everything was about to change.

The diagnosis that I listed were Severe Major Depressive Disorder with Psychotic features which had already been diagnosed a couple of years earlier. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which was rather obvious if you look at the amount of abuse I have been through plus the flashbacks and nightmares. Generalized Anxiety disorder which tends to go with PTSD. The last diagnosis I listed was Borderline Personality Disorder and the second my doctor saw it his face lit up like a light bulb and declared it a perfect fit.

Due to the hospital not being able to provide the type of treatment that I needed I decided I would be better off back at home and seeking more specialized help in the community which my doctor agreed to. After a month of trying to contact every therapist around plus using a variety of mental health agencies for assistance I returned to my doctors office very frustrated. I told him about my problems finding help and he replied "Your too Borderline for treatment to be effective". Over the next couple of months he would add "Your going to have good periods, then your going to have bad periods which will cause you to crash and a hospitalization will be needed to stabilize you and then the cycle will repeat". Basically the goal is not to "cure my problems" but to avoid the hospital as long as possible. In my doctors eyes I am untreatable.

Do I believe the "untreatable" label? It really depends on the day. Over the last six months I have worked through various aspects of my life and I do see a light at the end of the tunnel but at the same time there are times when all of the movement I make seems to be backwards.

This blog was created so I would have a place to empty out my brain instead of trying to swallow the emotions/turmoil, a place where I can write everything down so I could analyze and try to correct any faulty thinking patterns. This blog is my therapy and for whatever the reason a lot of people seem to relate to it so at the very least I know the last three years has not been a complete failure.

Sorry for all the jumping around and like I mentioned earlier most of the above has been broken down in other posts that I have written. Any comments or questions do not hesitate to ask and I wish you all the best in your own journey. Take care

Self Destructive

There have been moments in my life after I had hit the wall that leave me wondering why I did not steer to the left or the right instead of stomping the gas petal headed straight toward that cement wall. Of all the complaining I tend to do against doctors, nurses, therapists and other mental health professionals the person most responsible for my recovery is me the problem some days is I should be the last person trusted with this responsibility.

My brain does weird things that invite chaos into my life and when days are going good with the sun way up in the air I find a way to invite a storm into the picture. Strange thoughts such as remembering a fond childhood memory and instead of basking in the warmth my brain switches over to memories I have spent the last few decades trying to forget. Stupid inner voice will take a wonderful memory then provide a running commentary which will set off a flashback that will have me reeling for example: My father took my sister and I sledding which is one of my favorite memories from when I was a child and I remember the laughter and the joy we all shared for those few hours but that voice will pop up "You sure had a great time with your dad that day do you remember a few days after when your mother stepped in to make sure that he did not kill you for forgetting to put the milk away?" so now I have gone from a nice fuzzy state to a place I really have spent to much time in.

I spend to much time in my head which is something that I have been trying to work on but have not had too much luck. I know the more I focus on the negative the harder my battle is going to be but when your mentally unwell it seems every single aspect of your life goes back to it in some way. When the doctor says to not think of my illness or any other negative part of my life he might as well say go sit in a corner for ten minutes and not think about Polar Bears.

There is part of me that prefers chaos to what can be considered normal probably due to the fact my normal is chaos. This is where I have spent the most time and I know what to do to get through it for the most part. If I woke up tomorrow and my world was absolutely perfect with no negative thoughts or behaviors running through my head chances are it would drive me crazy for I would have no idea what to do.

Now when I see that cement wall coming up in the distance there is part of me that jumps into action coming up with all sorts of ways to avoid the approaching disaster but the self destructive side is a bit curious on how much it is going to hurt and if I am going to be able to walk away afterwards. Yep another area that needs to be fixed. Take care.

Triggers And More Triggers

* If you are easily triggered about situations that deal with abuse I would suggest that you find another post in my little corner of the web*

Triggers suck. That one little smell, word, object and situation that has you fighting your past with full on effort. There are days when my triggers seem to have very little power but then there are others where something that seems so insignificant on the surface brings flashbacks that leave marks on my soul.

Wooden Spoon - I remember when I was ten or so walking into my babysitters home like any other day throughout the eight years she was "responsible" for my care. She had this wooden spoon in her hand and was going on to great lengths on the workmanship and quality of this kitchen utensil. I left for school that day trying to figure out what the deal was then it clicked in my brain. The previous week I had gotten into trouble with her for breaking the last wooden spoon as it cracked over the back of my head. This was a typical punishment in her home for circumstances ranging from eating too slow, eating too fast, elbows on the table and talking while I was suppose to be eating. Any little event seemed to put her into a rage which ended with her swinging that wooden spoon at the back of my head. Now she was bragging about her new weapon and I knew how she was going to test it. For years after I left her care I spent every meal looking over my shoulder and the sight of a wooden spoon would make me sick to my stomach.

Sirens - My father was sick for a lot of my childhood and managed to pull of the trick of coming back from the dead a number of times. When I was twelve or so he and I had a bad argument which ended with me saying out loud that I wished he was dead. That night he had a heart attack in his sleep and by some miracle my mother woke up realizing something was wrong and dialed 911. I watched the ambulance attendants restart my fathers heart from my bedroom across the hall with the statement I had made earlier running through my head. Until my fathers passing some seventeen years later every time a siren would sound my brain would bring me back to the day that I had said those words "I wish you were dead". I understand that my wish and the events that followed were coincidence but that never seemed to make a difference when it came to the trigger and the flashback that followed.

When it comes to recovery from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder it is important to recognize the triggers for what they are which will take some of the power back. A wooden spoon on its own can not hurt me but the woman who swung it did. During the first psych admission I worked through a lot of situations that were related to the babysitter and the trigger of the wooden spoon eventually began to fade.

I have no idea how many triggers are out there that are capable of sending me back to the worst moments of my life but I do know that every time I work through a specific section of the past the number does seem to get smaller. Some areas are still to sensitive so I tend to keep them buried in the back as the threat to my sanity is just too high to tackle on my own. Complete recovery from PTSD is possible with a lot of internal searching and work put in but I will be the first to admit that the path which leads to it scares the living hell out of me. Take care.

Military And Mental Illness

There has been a new study that just came out that states 300,000 US troops suffer from Major Depressive Disorder and/or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder also an additional 300,000 have suffered brain injuries. Out of these numbers only half have sought out treatment. This works out to 18.5 percent of United States troops are suffering from a mental disorder so roughly one in five. Very scary.(MSNBC article)

I wrote the following post near the start of this blog:

PTSD - The disorder that is about to explode

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is not a whole heck of a lot of fun. Basic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is watching or experiencing something tragic or along those line, Chronic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is witnessing or being a part of long term events that have left a major mark on your psyche, think long term abuse or military service on foreign land.

The big thing when it comes to either form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is that your constantly haunted by what you saw or experienced. One minute you are having a great day then some thing triggers the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder monster and the next thing you know it that flashback just sent you back straight to the incident. Try to sleep at night and take a wild guess what you are going to dream about. The purpose of therapy in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is to work through the event so it does not hold so much power and to identify the triggers that set it off.

Triggers are odd things and a lot of the time they are not really obvious. Everyone remembers the old war "comedies" where a loud noise would send the vet running or covering his head, this is a classic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder reaction which is not funny off screen. Triggers can be anything from a certain verbal phrase to an inanimate object to food to smells. There are certain food items that I watch people eat with their hands that almost always puts a flashback going through my head. I have had this trigger for as long as I can remember yet it is as still just as powerful as when it first arrived.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder was discovered, for the lack of a better word, after the first World War as all sorts of soldiers came back with terrifying nightmares and flashbacks burning through their brains except back then it was called Shell Shock. Every single conflict comes with a lot of people returning with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or various substance abuse problems that come from dealing or hiding from the reality of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The therapy has come along way over the last couple of decades or so but unfortunately every time the therapy hits a new level due to an increase in funding for research it is because a major war just took place. I don't know the actual number of soldiers returning with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder but I can guarantee it is a lot higher then the number the government says it is.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a difficult disorder to go to your doctor with as the male ego despises it. How is a big, tough Marine going to tell his doctor that a nightmare is kicking his ass so unfortunately instead of getting help they begin to self medicate, want proof? Remember the Vietnam war ... how many people came back addicted to heroin? What were they trying to forget or avoid? The big bad Post Traumatic Stress Disorder monster that will bring the strongest person to their knees.

Flashbacks are like a mini movies, kind of. Think of a terrible situation then drop yourself into the middle of it but you are powerless to do anything but watch what is taking place. Take a car crash that was severe, the person thankfully makes it through alive, goes through the medical procedures then slowly begins to heal. Something triggers it, could be something like the sound of brakes squealing then all of a sudden that person is back in the car heading straight towards the accident and there is absolutely nothing they can do to change the events but they experience it again and again until they find a way to deal with it which is not easy whatsoever.

The American public is about to get another eye opener when all the soldiers arrive back home and the mental health treatment bill comes into view both for treating Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and for treating the substance abuses that are used to cover up the disorder and to get through the day. It is going to be an expensive lesson that comes with every major conflict and tragedy.

The Anticipaction

When I was in the six grade a friend of mine and I were walking to school after lunch along the high snowbanks. Now we had been warned numerous times by police, teachers, parents and other adults that this was a risky behavior for we could fall off and end up under a car but I was eleven or twelve so the fun factor over ruled the potential dangers. Anyway we were about half way to school when this car pulled over and instantaneously we knew we were in trouble for it was our babysitters son who was sitting behind the drivers seat. The clean version of what he said was once we returned to the house after school there would be some serious punishment inflicted.

My friend and I made cards that basically announced our deaths that were sure to take place once arriving back at the babysitters home. All of the other fellow students thought it was hilarious and even the teachers found it slightly amusing. So there we sat and waited for the last bell of the day to hit and every possible beating that had taken before was racing through our minds. Pretty soon I just wished school would end so I can take the beating so I would no longer have to think about is as the possibilities were just too much too handle.

Finally that bell rang and we walked very slowly back to the house to meet our doom. Once inside the home I was sent to the kitchen and my buddy was put in another room. I received a long lecture on why walking on the snow banks was so dangerous and I guess my attention span shorted out as I took a wooden spoon across the back of the head and told to pay attention. Anyway after the words stopped the action took over and it was quite some time before I could sit down properly but even after the pain I went through it was nothing compared to the misery that I spent for those two and a half hours waiting for the beating to take place as my imagination took me to places that no eleven/twelve year old should go as I basically thought this would be the time they killed me.

My father was notorious for the beating put on hold method and a common message would be "just wait till after dinner then your going to get it" and my personal favorite "One of these days I am going to do you a favor and kill you in your sleep" needless to say the reason I take sleeping pills has something to do with this last statement.

Back to the babysitter. Now most people would think if I just told my parents about the abuse at the sitters then this violent action would stop but that was not the case for two main reasons: (1) If I told my parents the babysitter beat me then my parents would beat me for not doing what ever I was suppose to be doing (2) My parents not only told the babysitter she was allowed to use physical force but it was encouraged for this is how you fixed negative behavior or at least thats how their parents did it. I told a teacher once that I was getting my ass kicked on a regular basis and even showed her the marks and this lady said "Well maybe if you learned how to listen and behave then this would not happen" needless to say I never approached another "responsible" adult for help after that. What this did do is encourage my Borderline Personality to keep presenting the proper image and keep the real me in the dark but even this was only effective to a point.

The babysitter died a couple of years ago and I know this because on a routine basis I would check the obituaries thinking once she was off this planet my flashbacks and nightmares from PTSD would diminish. Great theory too bad it did not work as the beatings were one thing but the emotional scars that came with it are in a whole new ballpark that are going to take some work to get through.

A common self harm saying is "If you think the scars on the surface are bad then you really do not want to see the ones inside". Take care

Heroin

I had an uncle who was addicted to heroin. He did not come around very often as he was usually wandering in a world where reality did not exist. I asked my dad once about him and all he would say is that his brother was running from his past. This man spent his entire life begging strangers for change, roaming areas of a city where one should not be walking alone and seeking salvation through a needle. Every few years something would happen and he would get "clean" but it never lasted for once his reality showed up he really wanted no part of it nor knew how to deal with it so he quickly would jump off the wagon.

For the longest time I could never figure out why he was unable to beat his demons then there was a part of me that wondered why he would continue to live this way instead of just cashing in his chips. Heroin addiction is like playing Russian roulette for you never know what the next hit is going to bring you. Will this be the one that sends you to the moon or is this the one to send you six feet under.

Everyone who has a substance abuse problem has a mental health problem. Part of the mental illness equation may be from the use of drugs or alcohol but chances are there were issues before the substances came into play. Substance abuse is not about feeling great it is about avoidance. The high is just a bonus but the true purpose in my opinion is to make your current reality transform into something else. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder drives a lot of people to drink or drugs so they can make the flashbacks stay far away. When the smallest thing can trigger an event that happened years or even decades before the effects of substances becomes a way to self medicate and unfortunately way to many people take this route. Look at any major war and battle that has taken place then the number of soldiers who develop a substance abuse problem shortly after plus the sudden increase in suicide and suicide attempts. The war does not end for a lot of people when the last shot is fired.

My uncle never served a day in combat but he did go through a decade and a half of abuse which he spent his entire life trying to escape. The call came in about a year after we left my birth city that my uncle was found dead in a run down apartment/hotel. The coroner believed he died a couple of weeks earlier but it was difficult to determine the exact time of death due to the room being ice cold. No one was surprised when it happened as most seen the movie of his life a long time ago including my uncle. The autopsy reads death by overdose but it could have read death by childhood abuse and mental illness.

The Why Me Syndrome

You hear this a lot when time is spent with other people with mental quirks "How come I have depression? Why me?". This is something I don't do for the most part and the closest I will come is figuring a past life of mistakes is now responsible for my present but there is no logic there so it does not last long. The other reason I do not fall for this syndrome is I am pretty sure I know what the answer is.

1. Genetics. Both sides of my family have cases of severe depression in more then one person. A number of my aunts and uncles have been on prescription medications for the last decade. So my brain is pretty much hard wired for depression.

2. Coping Mechanisms. Most people get a problem thrust upon them then they handle it then and there. My tendency is to take the problem and swallow the damn thing then later on release the inner turmoil with the help of a razor. Not healthy and the breeding ground for mental illness.

3. Brain design. I analyze every single thing that comes into my brain purely by habit and where most people are able to justify and let go I continue to dig until there is nothing left. I doubt this is scientific fact but i would bet people with a higher intelligence are more at risk then someone with a lower IQ score. Take a tragic event: A person with a lower IQ sees the event and just shrugs it off then is able to move on but someone with a higher IQ tends to see the same event from every possible angle and needs it to be fully justified before letting it go. I would love to see the statistics of people returning from war with PTSD and what the brave men and womens IQ level are and chances are it will prove my theory. There has been recent studies done showing the link between highly creative people and mental illness.

Anyway there is my three reasons on Why me. I don't think it was ever a question of would I have to deal with mental illness but the question was when. Take care

A Flashback Courtesy Of PTSD

Flashbacks are like little movies that seem to appear at any time and within moments send you back to a part of your past that you pray that you can forget. I have a lot of different flashbacks from various periods of my life. Some of which are pretty tame now as I have been dealing with these mini movies for a long time but there are a select few that are just as powerful today as the actual event and will send my mind straight into the emotional straight jacket where I need to fight like hell to get out of.

A twenty second movie that sends you right back into your own personal hell. Some people have turned to street drugs and alcohol to dull their brains in the hope the flashbacks will not appear. Too many people have lost their lives in order to escape from these nightmares. I have undergone grief counseling, have put every single thought/emotion of this event down on paper yet I am still haunted by it as my brain will not allow it to disappear. Seroquel keeps the flashbacks away for the most part but I never know which corner I will turn where this flashback will be waiting for me and instantly turning me into a very small, scared, lost young child.

Loss Of Contact With Reality

When people have a sudden loss of contact with reality it is deemed that they are psychotic or experiencing a psychotic episode. Most people will experience a psychosis at some part of their life but like everything else in mental health there is a scale that measures severity.

When the question appeared about psychotic behavior in the comment section of another post I really did not think that psychoses effected my life but after a quick trip to a bunch of sites I realized the impact was much larger then I thought. Psychosis is a symptom of a high number of mental disorders as well as some physical ailments.

Delusions - Paranoia is a big one here. Remember the story of me searching an empty house with a golf club in hand looking for something that was not there. The majority of this situation can be linked to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Anxiety at the base level but it was a mental delusion that somehow someone entered my home without my knowing that had me searching the house ready to brain the intruder which turned out to be a creaking floor board. Another blog that has dealt with a delusion on the high end is when I thought that I was already dead so I had to hide to make sure death could not find me. Two hours under blankets before my brain could sort that one out.

Hallucinations - This category can effect any one of our senses taste, smell, sight, sound and touch. One of my diagnosis is severe major depressive disorder with psychotic features which means I am depressed and use to hear a voice that was not my own. This lovely little voice never told me what to do rather it encouraged negative behavior. Small things such as "You seem to be awfully stressed so why don't you grab a razor and make yourself feel better" or "Wouldn't it be nice to just lie down and all of your problems go away for good. The pill bottle in front of you can accomplish that" or "Remember when you were seven and..." this one leads to flashbacks which also can be found in the psychotic handbook. As far as visual hallucinations there have been occasions when I think I see something that is not there for example a couple of times I have destroyed my forearm trying to get rid of the bugs under my skin.

Thoughts - This differs from delusions as the thoughts themselves can be fine but what differs is the speed. My most problematic area is that my brain races to a point where I am completely overwhelmed and I will go to extreme lengths to make it stop which is more then not self harm. When I am communicating with others in this state nothing makes sense as I can not focus on one train of thought as there are what seems like millions of disconnected thoughts rushing through my mind. Sometimes I am able to catch it in times but there have been points where my brain just blanks and I have no clue what happened. My last admission can be tied into a psychotic break for I was having a bad day as my brain was spiraling out of control so I grabbed my razor then next thing I knew it I was in the bathroom cleaning cuts that could have ended my life. The next day I walked into my doctors office then pulled up my sleeve and two hours later I was in a hospital bed.

Black Outs - They are unbelievably terrifying and trying to deal with the consequences of them afterwards is difficult. How do you explain to someone your behavior when you have no recollection of the event happening. Not a nice feeling when your brain clicks back on and you can not account for a missing time period. My brain is wired in such a way that the person I will thrust my anger on first is always me and I have a lot of scars to show for it.

It is very difficult to admit to a mental health professional that you need help for depression, PTSD, anxiety or what have you but trying to find the courage to tell my doctor that I was hearing voices and blacking out took a long time because I figured that they would lock me up and throw away the key. Now I take Seroquel three times a day and it has helped in many areas as the inner voice is gone, flashbacks have been reduced and most importantly my brain is not spinning out of control. I have come to the realization that the med class of anti psychotics will always be a part of my life and right now I am fine with that as I can still remember what happens when psychosis runs the show.

When Things Went From Bad To Worse

A question came up in the comments in a prior post about when my illness stepped up to where it is now and I have a couple of different theories.

1. Key Losses - I lost my father and then my grandfather in a time frame of three months. Instead of talking and exploring the issues that were surrounded to the two deaths I did what I usually did when I was overwhelmed and buried everything that surrounded the events then through my self at work. Problem is when something is buried it is not dead and sometime in the future it will have to be dealt with.

2. Accepting Being Mentally Ill - I knew I was having problems but I kept pushing them away. I was barely sleeping, constantly getting sick from a variety of different physical illnesses and it was becoming harder to keep my stability level in check. I decided it was time to act and I went to my family doctor laying everything all on the table. The mistake I made is I put complete faith into the health care system and stopped fighting for my own survival. I figured I was now on medication and was being seen by a mental professional so it was now there problem and not mine. It didn't take long for my brain to complete spin out of control and end up on a psch ward where I then realized I had to do something or else I was going to be dead. The best medial care in the world means nothing unless you are willing to fight for yourself.

3. Long Term Illness - I have been dealing with depression for as long as i can remember at a lower level and to be honest I just accepted the fact that my world would appear t be a little bit darker then others. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is another long term illness that has always been present I just did not realize what it was or capable of. The Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis may be rather new but the garbage that goes with it I have been dealing with for a long time. These areas of mental illness have always been there but they had not had the control or impact that they would later on and I guess it comes down to ignorance is bliss. What I thought was normal and had put on the back burner were not sitting there waiting for me to address them but slowly morphing into a monster that when my mind hit its weakest point would attack with full vengeance.

If I had learned how to properly express emotions and was allowed to do so from the very beginning chances are my life would be completely different at the moment. But instead I took it all in and tried to figure out a way to deal with it on my own and failed miserably. When my father and grandfather died that is the moment I should have entered counseling to deal with it instead of the way I dealt with it.

There really is no concrete reason why my life went in this direction but a combination of a lack of proper coping mechanisms, two key losses, a substantial increase in strength and the dumb notion that as a man I am capable of fighting this battle alone. I kept filling up the bottle of repressed emotions then one day the cap popped off.

A reader going by the name Polar Bear also asked a question regarding psychosis that I will attempt to address later on today but until then go visit him at his blog "Polar Bear Blog"

Reading People

I have been reading people for as long as I can remember. It started when I was very small watching my parents and the other adults in my life for signs that the situation was about to get out of control. Every little gesture, change of volume in their voices and the look in their eyes told me a story that it was time to make myself scarce quickly. Now I am the person who sits in the corner with his back against wall watching other people and how they react for basically the same reason I am trying to keep myself safe. In the world of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder this is called being hyper vigilant and it is as common as air.

At some time in the persons life something really bad was either experienced or witnessed so now the brain is on high alert to make sure it doesn't happen again. So you constantly take mental notes of the enviroment that your are in, watching people for any sudden changes and your body stays rock hard getting ready to either react or to run. Day in and day out your preparing for the worst but instead of getting better with time it continues to get more and more out of control. Too many people turn to alcohol or street drugs just to be able to relax by sending their brain into a different direction. A portion of the PTSD population deal with flashbacks and nightmares so severe that they will not leave their homes as they are terrified of the possibilities that might exist outside their locked doors. Unfortunately some people with severe demons from the past will end up taking their own lives just to escape the live nightmare. The majority of people with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder also carry the diagnoses of a form of Anxiety Disorder and Depression as they tend to go hand in hand.

I use to check the obituary's in the paper where I grew up on a very regular basis waiting for a certain name to appear as I believed when the person was no longer on this planet then my PTSD would simply disappear. The day finally came and there she was in the obituaries but instead of my flashbacks and nightmares surrounding this person disappearing they actually became a lot worse for a time. I use to think if the person was gone then I was safe but the reality of the situation is I am a thirty something year old man who weighs in at a solid two hundred pounds so this person seized to be a physical threat a long time ago. The part that causes so much anguish in my head is not the actual event but what the event represented which is a total loss of control where I was completely vulnerable. So now I constantly read people to ensure that I am never caught off guard and always ready to respond to make sure a similar emotional event does not repeat. A number of people have told me that I need to trust other people more easily but the problem is the adults in my life who were responsible for my welfare as a child failed to do so. At a very young age I learned how to read others and blend into the enviroment without attracting the wrong kind of attention and this limited the number of really bad confrontations but it also set the groundwork for Borderline Personality Disorder.

I have gone to work on my head over the last couple of years trying to pick up items that have fallen off the shelf and organize everything else. When it comes to the area where the PTSD originates I can not go near it on my own for every time I try I end up in a place mentally that is responsible for more then one suicide attempt. I hope one day I will meet a therapist who will help me justify this area and make sure I do not get lost in the past.

Mountains From Mole Hils

It seems every time I turn around there is a new website promoting the cure for anxiety. For only $19.95 this self proclaimed expert will teach you the various methods where anxiety will no longer be an issue in your life. So why are there so many sites? Anxiety disorder is the top mental health problem in the USA with forty million people effected every year so the consumer base is pretty high.

Anxiety is normal to a certain point. It is what fuels the fight or flight button in or brain that is designed to keep us safe or at least safer. Of course to me Anxiety is like Depression in one word does not do a very good job of covering an entire disorder spectrum. This one word somehow covers the jitters you get before an important meeting or a first date or trying to explain to your parents how you just wrapped Dad's prized possession around a tree. Anxiety also includes being so afraid of the outside world that you never leave your house or anxiety attacks that are so severe you swear your going to die or flashbacks that are tied into Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that will send you back into your person hell in a heartbeat or a phobia so strong that there is no way in hell are you going to confront it. One heck of a spectrum for one word.

How do you get over anxiety or at least lessen the impact it has on your life? Well first you send me a check for $29.99 and I will tell you, just kidding. The key to plain old anxiety is figuring out where it came from which is a lot harder then it sounds. Joe Blow is scared to leave his house because the one time he did a pack of rabid squirrels bit him on the ass so he now believes this event will repeat so he sentences himself to house arrest. This may be a extreme example but I can guarantee the situation, well maybe not the part of the squirrels, applies to a group of people. The key to therapy for this situation is for Joe to be able to understand what happened to him was a freak occurrence and it is not what is to be expected when he steps outside his home. The longer the anxiety has been present the harder it is to treat for over time the mind tends to make mountains out of mole hills.

Here is another group example and that is people who are terrified of the dark which is a pretty large group. Is it the fact that there is no light in the room that scares this group? Yes and no. The dark scares them but it is not the cause as chances are something happened a long time ago in a dark room that set this particular anxiety off. They are not afraid of the dark but they are afraid that something that took place in the dark will happen again a lot of people who were sexually or physically abused as children are terrified of the dark. Understanding the root of the anxiety is the key to overcoming it.

Anxiety related to health problems is so unbelievably common it keeps doctors and emergency rooms busy. The drawback to the internet is that there is too much information available which just makes a bad situation even worse. Across the forums that I participate on I see it constantly. People taking one thing such as a worry that their friends do not like them and before you know it they believe that they are now the proud owner of a Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis. My response is always the same thing go see a doctor to get a real evaluation done then start to research the problematic behavior and not the other way around. The part that always get me is I see people post about a specific condition for awhile then when you ask if they have seen a medical professional the answer is no. To me the doctor is always the first step and then I go from there. Ever been tested for HIV? What is the worst part? The wait for by the time the results have come back you have completely convinced yourself that you have this terrible condition but when the test comes back negative you feel on top of the world and a little bit stupid for allowing yourself to think the way you did. The majority of health concerns can be ruled out with a visit to the doctors and waiting a week for the test results is a lot easier on the body then a self diagnosis which is just asking for trouble. As soon as a question appears in your mind find a doctor to answer it for you and stay away from medical sites until you have a firm diagnosis.

My worst anxiety attack occurred before I had my breakdown. I was recovering from shingles and my throat was sore so I did what most people do and looked in the mirror. My throat was a different color then normal and for whatever the reason I thought it was swelling. I tried to ignore it but my brain would not let it go and for some weird mental reason I believed that I could no longer swallow so now I was breathing heavily through my nose. A quick trip back to the mirror and now I was convinced that my throat was swollen shut. Mentally I was long gone by this point and started to hyper ventilate to the point where my ex drove me to the hospital. On the way there I was struggling to breathe and at one point she wanted to stop at her work to call an ambulance. We get to the hospital and my ex convinced a nurse I was a couple of steps away from dying so I was immediately rushed through. I was in one of the little rooms still struggling to breathe when the doctor came in and he examined my throat then said yes it was red but there was no signs of it swelling shut and no logical reason why I could not breathe normally and do you know what all of a sudden I could breathe again. The mind is a powerful device that can convince you that your dying when your perfectly fine. Save yourself the anguish and stress and go see your doctor to answer that question that will not go away on its own.

There are many forms of anxiety disorders from Generalized Anxiety Disorder to Social Anxiety Disorder to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder to Panic Disorder to Phobias to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder to Agoraphobia and a bunch more. The best thing to do is get a firm diagnosis, develop a treatment plan and then go to work on it at least this way you know exactly what your dealing with instead of wandering around in circles. My anxiety is in check at the moment due to a whole hell of a lot of meds but I know the only way to lessen it on a permanent basis is to get to the route of the issue but being Borderline means no therapist is willing to come near me so I am relying on the band aid that is medication to keep the bugger at bay.

Military Suicides Up Twenty Percent - The PTSD Monster

An article on CNN.com states that army suicides are up twenty percent from the previous year and that attempted suicides are up by over five hundred incidents from the year before. Now you need to keep in mind these numbers may appear to be high but chances are they are nowhere near the actual numbers that never went reported.

The majority of these tragic events are tied into PTSD and this is no surprise. If there were proper numbers kept after any major war, battle and conflict it would show that this is to be expected as there are some things the human brain can not comprehend or justify that leads to PTSD or substance abuse to cover up the symptoms one experiences when suffering from this crippling disorder.

PTSD definition in the DSM - The essential feature of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is the development of characteristic symptoms following exposure to an extreme traumatic stressor involving direct personal experience of an event that involves actual or threatened death or serious injury, or other threat to one's physical integrity; or witnessing an event that involves death, injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of another person; or learning about unexpected or violent death, serious harm, or threat of death or injury experienced by a family member or other close associate.

The number one factor that they list that may lead to PTSD is military combat. To put PTSD into my words picture an event so terrifying and traumatic that your brain can not justify it so you can not just handle it internally and let it go. The worst part of PTSD is the bloody flashbacks, you can be having a great day and for what ever the reason get triggered to where you not only see this defining event go through your head but you swear your right back in it and that is how your body responds to it, your heart is jumping out of your chest, your shaking your head trying to get the images to go away and the line between yesterday and today has vanished. Finally the flashback goes away and if you are lucky will be gone for the remainder of the day that is until you find a way to fall asleep but take a wild guess what your are going to dream of.

My exwife woke me up one night by turning on the light and throwing a pillow at me for I was beating the living crap out of my pillow and she said to me "Baby I don't know who you are fighting but I am pretty sure you killed him" as the intensity level was extreme, needless to say I take a lot of meds before I go to bed now.

The worst part of flashbacks is you never know when they are going to show up and for how long they are going to last. PTSD does not go away without proper treatment the personal event I detailed in the previous paragraph that was the source of the nightmare happened well over two decades ago. A lot of people turn to substance abuse where they drink or drugged themselves into a stupor so the flashbacks and nightmares don't show up. Other people seek out therapy which is difficult when you are male and I would imagine especially difficult if you are in the military due to the stigma attached to it for you basically have to tell your doctor that your getting your ass kicked by nightmares and flashbacks which is a hard thing to do. I was diagnosed during my first hospital stay when I woke up half the floor in the middle of a nightmare.

PTSD effects your daily life in a large way as you walk around paranoid and full of anxiety praying that a flashback does not appear and you know all it takes is one single trigger to do it. A trigger can be anything from a noise to a smell to an object to damn near anything. The goal of therapy is not only help to deal with the defining event but to identify all of the triggers and begin to desensitize them which can take a long time..

If your son or daughter or mother or father comes back from the war and their always on edge and appear to be stuck in another place get them to a doctor as soon as you can. Like most mental disorders the faster the illness is diagnosed the faster treatment and recovery can occur. The people who suffer from PTSD are treatable but the proper steps needs to be taken and to be honest I am not sure how well stocked the US military is when it comes to mental health professionals who are trained to deal with PTSD clients but I can guarantee all of them are going to be busy for a long time to come. A lot of the time the war does not end when the soldier returns home for now he or she needs to justify everything that they participated and witnessed while on a foreign soil which at times the human brain will not allow and PTSD is born.

Imagine a nightmare that you can not escape, imagine the monster from the nightmares chases you while your awake and may be hiding around the next corner this is PTSD at its bare bones and unfortunately for some they take an extreme permanent route to escape it and we have another casualty of war.

Very scary stuff and unfortunately it is going to get a lot worse before it gets better. I wonder if the military addresses mental health with the brave Men and Women before they are deployed and if they don't then maybe they should. I don't think there is a way to prepare someone mentally for war but sometimes knowing help is standing by if or when they need it may bring the numbers of suicides and suicides attempts down. Of course the military has to make sure that there is always someone available to listen which I don't believe is the case right now and these soldiers need to remember they are human regardless of where they have been or the training they have gone through or the stereotype they model their lives after and it is okay to ask for help.

Well Used Links Or Where I Spend A lot Of My Time

There are a collection of three websites on my blog where I spend a good portion of my day at when I am not trying to figure out this whole blog situation. One of the first lessons you learn in the Mental Health World is that doctors, nurses, therapists and other professionals do not know everything. What most of them know is what was taught in school and through books which makes up a large part of their approach to a situation. This is helpful in some situations but it leaves a lot unaccounted for like this simple question "K, I have a 101 disorders now how am I suppose to live with them?" ask them that question and expect a dumb look so this is where public forums jump into play. Two of the sites are exactly that forums filled with people who provide advice, suggestions and most important of all support. The third site has a forum as well but I do not use it for some reason probably because I spend so much time at the other two sites but what crazymeds provides is drug information from the honest perspective in a language that I can appreciate and not have to spend nineteen years in school to decipher. Any way here are my reviews of three sites that have been critical in one way or another to my improvement.

http://www.healthboards.com/ - I have been on this site for close to three years I believe and tend to go there off and on through out the day. What you will find here is a site that deals with the majority of health related issues one experiences throughout their lives from Acne to Weight Loss to Depression to Sexual Issues you name chances are there is a category for it. The average user is just that average everyday run of the mill people who may be experiencing difficulty in their lives or have come back out of the tornado to help others with the wisdom they have gained. This site is incredible for support and tend to be very quick to reply in most areas. When I go missing from this site for a few days posts start to pop up to ask where I am and if I am okay granted not everyone gets this treatment but like I said I have been there for a long time and have been blessed by meeting so many wonderful people who have helped in more ways then I can remember. If your looking for a place where someone just understands what you are feeling and can relate then marks this site down as a favorite.

http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/ - I have been on this site for a couple of years but do not post there on a frequent basis. This site is incredible of what they do and when you are living with concurrent disorders of the mental variety then this is the place for you. The average user has multiple disorders and the majority have been dealing with the mental health world for a good period of time. This site specializes in mental health conditions and the medications that go with them. At times the answers they give can be rather clinical at times with a small dash of humor thrown in. When I start a new med or I have any questions about the side effects that I am experiencing chances are someone there has already gone through it and willing to share their experiences. When I started the Nardil diet this was the first place I went to learn about a drug and all of it quirks that the hospital failed to do, within a short period a number of members relayed their experiences which in the end made my life so much easier. At times when I am only dealing with one specific disorder I normally go to healthboards first but when the emotions I am dealing with are coming from all disorders I head straight to crazyboards as I know someone there is going to be able to relate.

http://www.crazymeds.us/ - This is the site I mentioned earlier. The webmaster of this site makes mental meds a lot easier to understand which greatly reduces the anxiety that comes every time you start a new med. When I am researching a drug either for myself or someone else this is the site I head to first as it pulls no punches but provides honest helpful information about a wide variety of mental health meds. I trust this webmaster more then I trust my doctor when it comes to new meds as so far in two years he has never been wrong which is more then I can say about the so called "mental professionals" that I deal with. I grab info off of this site with me to doctors appointments to which my doctor gives me a funny look then check his reference books then nods his head in agreement. If you are looking for real mental health drug information this is where you should go.

Each of these sites has its own purpose in my life. Healthboards is normally where I go first as I know a large percentage of the members plus I am active in responding to others and apparently I am rather good at it. When I can not see a problem clearly then I go to crazyboards as chances are it has something to do with concurrent disorders so it is easy to find someone who can relate and lend a hand. Crazymeds is my reference source for any mental meds so I always check my meds there first and if I have a question I know someone at crazyboards has the answer (they use to be the same site at one time but separated a while back). If your brand new to the mental health chaos then head for healthboards but if you want to deal with a more specific area then crazyboards has the answers. The best part is all of these sites are free and full of good hearted people who just want to help. Oh by the way untreatable is the name I use for this blog but not the one I post with as there I am someone else just to make it more difficult for the local mental professionals to figure out who I am, rather easy mind you if all the pieces are put together but let me have my illusion of privacy.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - The Monster That Is About To Explode

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and it is not a whole heck of a lot of fun. Basic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is watching or experiencing something tragic or along those line, Chronic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is witnessing or being apart of long term events that have left a major mark on your psyche think long term abuse or military service on foreign land.

The big thing when it comes to either form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is that your constantly haunted of what you saw or experienced. Having a great day then some thing triggers the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder monster and the next thing you know it that flashback just sent you back straight to the incident. Try to sleep at night and take a wild guess what you are going to dream about. The purpose of therapy in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is to work through the event so it does not hold so much power and to identify the triggers that set it off.

Triggers are funny things and a lot of the time they are not really obvious. Everyone remembers the old war "comedies" where a loud noise would send the vet running or covering his head this is classic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder except its not funny. Triggers can be anything from a certain verbal phrase to an inanimate object to food to smells. There are certain food items that I watch people eat with their hands that almost always puts a flashback going through my head, I have had this trigger for as long as I can remember yet it is as still just as powerful as when it first arrived.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder was discovered for the lack of a better word after the first World War as all sorts of soldiers came back with terrifying nightmares and flashbacks burning through their brains except back then it was called Shell Shock. Every single conflict comes with a lot of people returning with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or various substance abuse problems that come from dealing or hiding from the reality of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The therapy has come along way over the last decades or so but unfortunately every time the therapy hits a new level due to an increase in funding for research is because a major war just took place. I don't know the actual number of soldiers returning with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder but I can guarantee it is a lot higher then the number the government says it is. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a difficult disorder to go to your doctor with as the male ego despises it. How is a big, tough Marine going to tell his doctor that a nightmare is kicking his ass so unfortunately instead of getting help they begin to self medicate, want proof? Remember the Vietnam war ... how many people came back addicted to heroin? What were they trying to forget or avoid? The big bad Post Traumatic Stress Disorder monster that will bring the strongest person to their knees.

Flashbacks are like a mini movies, kind of. Think of a terrible situation then drop yourself into the middle of it but your powerless to do anything but watch what is taking place. Take a car crash that was severe, the person thankfully makes it through alive, goes through the medical procedures then slowly begins to heal. Something triggers it, could be something like the sound of brakes squealing then all of a sudden that person is back in the car heading straight towards the accident and there is absolutely nothing they can do to change the events but they experience it again and again until they find a way to deal with it which is not easy whatsoever.

The American public is about to get another eye opener when all the soldiers arrive back home and the mental health treatment bill comes into view both for treating Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and for treating the substance abuses that are used to cover up the disorder and to get through the day. It is going to be an expensive lesson that comes with every major conflict and tragedy.