Triggers And More Triggers

* If you are easily triggered about situations that deal with abuse I would suggest that you find another post in my little corner of the web*

Triggers suck. That one little smell, word, object and situation that has you fighting your past with full on effort. There are days when my triggers seem to have very little power but then there are others where something that seems so insignificant on the surface brings flashbacks that leave marks on my soul.

Wooden Spoon - I remember when I was ten or so walking into my babysitters home like any other day throughout the eight years she was "responsible" for my care. She had this wooden spoon in her hand and was going on to great lengths on the workmanship and quality of this kitchen utensil. I left for school that day trying to figure out what the deal was then it clicked in my brain. The previous week I had gotten into trouble with her for breaking the last wooden spoon as it cracked over the back of my head. This was a typical punishment in her home for circumstances ranging from eating too slow, eating too fast, elbows on the table and talking while I was suppose to be eating. Any little event seemed to put her into a rage which ended with her swinging that wooden spoon at the back of my head. Now she was bragging about her new weapon and I knew how she was going to test it. For years after I left her care I spent every meal looking over my shoulder and the sight of a wooden spoon would make me sick to my stomach.

Sirens - My father was sick for a lot of my childhood and managed to pull of the trick of coming back from the dead a number of times. When I was twelve or so he and I had a bad argument which ended with me saying out loud that I wished he was dead. That night he had a heart attack in his sleep and by some miracle my mother woke up realizing something was wrong and dialed 911. I watched the ambulance attendants restart my fathers heart from my bedroom across the hall with the statement I had made earlier running through my head. Until my fathers passing some seventeen years later every time a siren would sound my brain would bring me back to the day that I had said those words "I wish you were dead". I understand that my wish and the events that followed were coincidence but that never seemed to make a difference when it came to the trigger and the flashback that followed.

When it comes to recovery from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder it is important to recognize the triggers for what they are which will take some of the power back. A wooden spoon on its own can not hurt me but the woman who swung it did. During the first psych admission I worked through a lot of situations that were related to the babysitter and the trigger of the wooden spoon eventually began to fade.

I have no idea how many triggers are out there that are capable of sending me back to the worst moments of my life but I do know that every time I work through a specific section of the past the number does seem to get smaller. Some areas are still to sensitive so I tend to keep them buried in the back as the threat to my sanity is just too high to tackle on my own. Complete recovery from PTSD is possible with a lot of internal searching and work put in but I will be the first to admit that the path which leads to it scares the living hell out of me. Take care.

Heroin

I had an uncle who was addicted to heroin. He did not come around very often as he was usually wandering in a world where reality did not exist. I asked my dad once about him and all he would say is that his brother was running from his past. This man spent his entire life begging strangers for change, roaming areas of a city where one should not be walking alone and seeking salvation through a needle. Every few years something would happen and he would get "clean" but it never lasted for once his reality showed up he really wanted no part of it nor knew how to deal with it so he quickly would jump off the wagon.

For the longest time I could never figure out why he was unable to beat his demons then there was a part of me that wondered why he would continue to live this way instead of just cashing in his chips. Heroin addiction is like playing Russian roulette for you never know what the next hit is going to bring you. Will this be the one that sends you to the moon or is this the one to send you six feet under.

Everyone who has a substance abuse problem has a mental health problem. Part of the mental illness equation may be from the use of drugs or alcohol but chances are there were issues before the substances came into play. Substance abuse is not about feeling great it is about avoidance. The high is just a bonus but the true purpose in my opinion is to make your current reality transform into something else. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder drives a lot of people to drink or drugs so they can make the flashbacks stay far away. When the smallest thing can trigger an event that happened years or even decades before the effects of substances becomes a way to self medicate and unfortunately way to many people take this route. Look at any major war and battle that has taken place then the number of soldiers who develop a substance abuse problem shortly after plus the sudden increase in suicide and suicide attempts. The war does not end for a lot of people when the last shot is fired.

My uncle never served a day in combat but he did go through a decade and a half of abuse which he spent his entire life trying to escape. The call came in about a year after we left my birth city that my uncle was found dead in a run down apartment/hotel. The coroner believed he died a couple of weeks earlier but it was difficult to determine the exact time of death due to the room being ice cold. No one was surprised when it happened as most seen the movie of his life a long time ago including my uncle. The autopsy reads death by overdose but it could have read death by childhood abuse and mental illness.

A Flashback Courtesy Of PTSD

Flashbacks are like little movies that seem to appear at any time and within moments send you back to a part of your past that you pray that you can forget. I have a lot of different flashbacks from various periods of my life. Some of which are pretty tame now as I have been dealing with these mini movies for a long time but there are a select few that are just as powerful today as the actual event and will send my mind straight into the emotional straight jacket where I need to fight like hell to get out of.

A twenty second movie that sends you right back into your own personal hell. Some people have turned to street drugs and alcohol to dull their brains in the hope the flashbacks will not appear. Too many people have lost their lives in order to escape from these nightmares. I have undergone grief counseling, have put every single thought/emotion of this event down on paper yet I am still haunted by it as my brain will not allow it to disappear. Seroquel keeps the flashbacks away for the most part but I never know which corner I will turn where this flashback will be waiting for me and instantly turning me into a very small, scared, lost young child.

The Ghost In The Ceiling Fan

Well today is Church day .... for those who actually go to church so the timing seems right to tell you about a ghost story.

When my father died it literally destroyed me and I spent the first few days like a small child who was in a place alone where he had never been before. This was the first funeral I had ever been to and boy did I not handle it very well. The flashback/nightmare of when I first walked into the hall where my father laid in a casket is as powerful as any other memory in my brain including the ones associated with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and it sends me back to an event I have spent the last six years trying to forget, it was not pretty. Anyway somewhere in the process I told my mother I wanted to say something at the funeral ceremony as I thought it was important for me to do so and as the only son kind of a birthright responsibility. I spent a couple of hours being very careful of the words I put down as paper as I wanted people to see my father who he really was and by the time he died he had become my best friend. Unfortunately I don't do well in crowds and the thought of speaking out loud had me shaken to the core.

My ex wife and I were in an upstairs room about twenty minutes or so before the ceremony was going to take place. Every mental trick I knew I tried to do it on myself to reach a place where I would be able to read out my words, my ex was very supportive and even offered to read my speech for me but I refused as I wanted ... needed to do this. Five minutes before we had to head down to get ready I lost it completely and started to stare at the ceiling begging out loud for my father to give me his strength so I could get through this task. There was a ceiling fan hanging in the room that was barely on as the lights were dim and it was moving so slow it was not worth the effort but the thing is the more I talked to my Dad the faster the fans moved and the lights shined brighter and brighter. A great sense of peace and clarity went through my body removing any doubt I had about the upcoming speech. My ex was completely taken back by the experience but to me it was the most natural event as I asked my father to help me and that is what he did. I made it through the speech with great ease and I hoped it left the people there with a better idea of who my dad was at his core.

I currently live in my parents house as I took over responsibilities when my Mom moved down south five years ago. For the first couple of years when I was down I would look up at the ceiling in my bedroom and sure enough it would begin to pick up speed and shined a lot more bright. Since my ex wife moved out with our child this experience does not happen anymore but if I had to tell you why I would say my Dad is watching over my son as I battle to become the type of father and person I want to be.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - The Monster That Is About To Explode

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and it is not a whole heck of a lot of fun. Basic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is watching or experiencing something tragic or along those line, Chronic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is witnessing or being apart of long term events that have left a major mark on your psyche think long term abuse or military service on foreign land.

The big thing when it comes to either form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is that your constantly haunted of what you saw or experienced. Having a great day then some thing triggers the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder monster and the next thing you know it that flashback just sent you back straight to the incident. Try to sleep at night and take a wild guess what you are going to dream about. The purpose of therapy in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is to work through the event so it does not hold so much power and to identify the triggers that set it off.

Triggers are funny things and a lot of the time they are not really obvious. Everyone remembers the old war "comedies" where a loud noise would send the vet running or covering his head this is classic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder except its not funny. Triggers can be anything from a certain verbal phrase to an inanimate object to food to smells. There are certain food items that I watch people eat with their hands that almost always puts a flashback going through my head, I have had this trigger for as long as I can remember yet it is as still just as powerful as when it first arrived.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder was discovered for the lack of a better word after the first World War as all sorts of soldiers came back with terrifying nightmares and flashbacks burning through their brains except back then it was called Shell Shock. Every single conflict comes with a lot of people returning with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or various substance abuse problems that come from dealing or hiding from the reality of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The therapy has come along way over the last decades or so but unfortunately every time the therapy hits a new level due to an increase in funding for research is because a major war just took place. I don't know the actual number of soldiers returning with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder but I can guarantee it is a lot higher then the number the government says it is. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a difficult disorder to go to your doctor with as the male ego despises it. How is a big, tough Marine going to tell his doctor that a nightmare is kicking his ass so unfortunately instead of getting help they begin to self medicate, want proof? Remember the Vietnam war ... how many people came back addicted to heroin? What were they trying to forget or avoid? The big bad Post Traumatic Stress Disorder monster that will bring the strongest person to their knees.

Flashbacks are like a mini movies, kind of. Think of a terrible situation then drop yourself into the middle of it but your powerless to do anything but watch what is taking place. Take a car crash that was severe, the person thankfully makes it through alive, goes through the medical procedures then slowly begins to heal. Something triggers it, could be something like the sound of brakes squealing then all of a sudden that person is back in the car heading straight towards the accident and there is absolutely nothing they can do to change the events but they experience it again and again until they find a way to deal with it which is not easy whatsoever.

The American public is about to get another eye opener when all the soldiers arrive back home and the mental health treatment bill comes into view both for treating Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and for treating the substance abuses that are used to cover up the disorder and to get through the day. It is going to be an expensive lesson that comes with every major conflict and tragedy.