Meds: The Beginning

I have been on way too many drugs in the last three years or so and the worst part normally happens when starting or when there is an increase in dosage. It has been three days since I started Effexor again. The headache is a common first stage side effect and thankfully Motrin tends to keep it at bay, the stomach trouble seems to be connected to what I eat at the time so this will require a little bit of trial and error. The mental garbage that is appearing is a little bit more difficult and requires some constant monitoring.

Driving to the store the other day when some time in the middle of the trip I realized I was daydreaming a bit and the car was basically driving itself. Little bit scary when you reach your destination and you don't have a clue what took place in the journey there. Solution seems to be to give the med at least an hour before I get behind the wheel.

Suicidal thinking tends to be increased with the introduction of heavy duty antidepressants so it is important to realize that this is the med that is causing this and if the phenomenon changes from thoughts to planning it is time to get your ass back to the doctor quickly.

Self harm urges. A royal pain in the ass and again my theory is the increase in energy is what is pushing these urges. I deal with self injury urges on a pretty constant basis but before I just could not be bothered but all of a sudden the motivation is there. Again recognizing the renewed energy from the med goes a long way plus the fact that the relief it offers is temporary at best.

Sleep and dreams. Boy does it get weird fast. I forgot about the Effexor dreams which are basically a Freudian nightmare. Wake up in the morning just shaking your head trying to make sense of something out of it seems to be a common occurrence.

This is going to sound really weird but the fact that my body is drug resistant is actually a positive thing when it comes to side effects for I tend to adapt to them very quickly. Of course the bad side of drug resistance is my meds need constant tweaking to keep them working and they tend to just stop working for no good reason what so ever.

Well I have a few more days at 37.5 then it is increased to 75mg for the remainder of the month then chances are it will be increased to 150mg and who knows after that. At least with the prior experience with this med I know what is coming which is half the battle. Back to the original point of this post and that is to be really aware of what is happening and anything that seems odd a quick call to the doctors office may save you from a world of hurt. The worst reaction I have had to a med was with Paxil and within a week it put me into a manic state ending in a two month stay on the psych ward. Remember caution is your friend. Take care.

The Decision

There are certain drugs in the mental world that tend to bring up quick and fast reaction from those who have taken them. Effexor is one of those meds. This drug maybe the most common talked about subjects on various health boards around the world wide web and a lot of people do not like it. Of course people who do like this drug do not populate the boards for the simple reason they have nothing to complain about. Effexor is one of the stronger acting anti depressants on the market which also means its side effects can be a trip through hell for some people and this is not even including the process of getting off of the damn thing which is known as the discontinuation syndrome.

Here is a list of warnings coming straight from Effexor's manufacture:
* People taking MAOIs should not take EFFEXOR XR.
* All patients taking antidepressants should be watched closely for signs that their condition is getting worse or that they are becoming suicidal, especially when they first start therapy, or when their dose is increased or decreased. Patients should also be watched for becoming agitated, irritable, hostile, aggressive, impulsive, or restless. Such symptoms should be reported to the patient's doctor right away.
* Before starting EFFEXOR XR, tell your doctor if you're taking or plan to take any prescription or over-the-counter drugs, including migraine headache medication, herbal preparations, and nutritional supplements, to avoid a potentially life-threatening condition.
* Taking EFFEXOR XR with aspirin, nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs, warfarin, or other drugs that affect coagulation may increase the risk of bleeding events.
* EFFEXOR XR may raise blood pressure in some patients. Your blood pressure should be controlled before starting treatment and should be monitored regularly.
* Mydriasis (prolonged dilation of the pupil of the eye) has been reported with EFFEXOR XR. You should notify your physician if you have a history of glaucoma or increased eye pressure.
* When people suddenly stop using or quickly lower their daily dose of EFFEXOR XR, discontinuation symptoms may occur. Talk to your doctor before discontinuing or reducing your dose of EFFEXOR XR.
* Pregnant or nursing women shouldn't take any antidepressant without consulting their doctor.
* Until you see how EFFEXOR XR affects you, be careful doing such activities as driving a car or operating machinery. Avoid drinking alcohol while taking EFFEXOR XR.
* In clinical studies, the most common side effects with EFFEXOR XR (reported in at least 10% of patients and at least twice as often as with placebo) were constipation, dizziness, dry mouth, insomnia, loss of appetite, nausea, nervousness, sexual side effects, sleepiness, sweating, and weakness. Ask your doctor if EFFEXOR XR is right for you.

Then of course is the black box warning that seems to be on the box of every antidepressant out there mind you Effexor and Paxil led the way on this one. The problem is there is a chance that your suicidal thinking may increase when starting one of these meds and unfortunately it led to a rather disturbing rise in suicides and suicides attempts hence the black box warning. My theory on this is when your in the middle of a major depressive period the thoughts are there but the energy is no where to be found so after a couple of days on a major antidepressant the damn thoughts are still there but now there is a little boost in energy to actually act on them. The first month of a new antidepressant requires some pretty careful monitoring.

So after that is said and done why would someone basically put themselves in harms way of a potential bad reaction? Simply it is the chance and hope that this may be the piece of the puzzle to pull someone out of the hole that is depression. It is with this last thought in mind that I asked to be put back on Effexor once again.

I took Effexor for close to a year the first time around and my depression towards the end was just getting worse and worse. The problem was along with Effexor I was also taking Wellbutrin, Remeron and Temazapam (Plus about five to six months Zyprexa tagged along til my weight exploded and it had to go) so instead of trying to figure out which med was not carrying its own weight the decision was made to stop all of them and try out a new class of antidepressant. There was also a bad cutting episode that put me into the hospital and then the decision was made regarding the drug therapy switch up.

Back to present time, currently Seroquel is helping with the urges and keeping my brain running at a decent speed but my depression is going the wrong way so I figured it was worth a shot to try Effexor again and the doctor agreed. Now I need to wait the four to six weeks for it to kick in and a couple of months on top of that before I reach a dosage that will hopefully prove to be therapeutic. All I really know is what I have been doing up to this point is not working and it is time for change. Take care.

Medication To Do List

Like everything else on this blog this comes from my own personal experience so if I am saying one thing and your doctor is saying another chances are you should listen to the MD. That being said depending on the doctor it is always a good idea to do your research and if you want to scare the hell out of yourself go visit Google and enter the following "Name of med + lawsuit". On with the list.

1. Fiber is your friend. Seems like every single med or med combo I have ever been on tends to dam up the inner working. I have tried a variety of prescription meds to ease this situation and turns out the best solution is Raisin Bran or the knock off version.

2. Watch your diet. So you battle depression for six months and finally the fog is beginning to lift then a new situation presents itself. Nothing fits and some how you managed to put on a lot of weight that is not easily accounted for. I have no idea whether it is the way the med effects the metabolism rate or it is tied into eating the depressive way (basically anything that is quick and easy) but ending one battle and starting another one is not a whole lot of fun.

3. What the hell was that. Started a new med and all of a sudden your suicidal thoughts are through the roof and ideas a week before which made no sense what so ever all of a sudden seem like a great idea it is time to go back and see the doctor. The first month or so on a lot of antidepressants is what led to the black box warning being posted on the side of the box. The wrong antidepressant can lead to a world of hurt.

4. Alcohol. Well this is automatically a no brainer but most people seem to do it anyway me included. In my experience what happens is the alcohol acts like a multiplier so two beers feels closer to seven or eight. If you are going to drink keep the amount very low and drink very slowly. This is not an experiment you want to try in public by the way.

5. Getting off of the damn things. First thing first get your doctors approval before stopping any medication. The next step is to research out the med to see if it is one that requires a tapering program such as Effexor or Paxil for if you stop them cold turkey you could get really sick really quick. The discontinuation syndrome is brutal and after many lost lawsuits the big drug corporations are finally admitting some of their products are addictive. Something I have seen over and over again is a person finally starts to feel good so the decision is made to stop the medication only to find out the drugs are the reason for their better mood. This decision should not be taken lightly.

Well I am sure there is more but I am drawing a blank at the moment so that is it for now. Take care.

The Big Question

The question that I seem to run across more often then not is what is the antidepressant for me. First off I am not a doctor nor do I play one on television but even if I were I could not answer this question with any fair amount of certainty. The problem is the way one medication works on me there is a really good chance it is not going to work the same on you. Your body chemistry and mine are two different stories so the effects more then likely are going to be different. Welcome to the wonderful world of drug experimentation: Take pill A for four to six weeks, manage the side effects that come with every drug and at the end of this period chances are two things will happen (1) The dosage will be increased (2) Another med will be tried. With either option another waiting period will happen unless you are one of the lucky few who have won the medication lottery.

The problem there is no test that can accurately measure the amount of chemicals in the brain for that would just be too easy. Yep you are lacking chemical A so you need this med that will increase the level and your on the way to recovery (no medication does not cure depression but it will get your ass out of bed and on to the therapists couch where the real work is done). So why is there no regular used test that can make the battle against depression so much easier? The simple answer is money and like Chris Rock once said "There is no money in the cure"

Drug corporations make a lot of money as in billions every quarter. From a pure business standpoint coming up with a miracle med that will cure mental illness makes as much sense as Ford creating a car that will last forever. Every year billions of dollars are spent by governments to help those in need due to a mental illness yet nothing is really done in terms of research that may lead to lower costs in the future.

Way back in the 1960's state mental hospitals were being shut down at a rapid pace not due to some miracle cure but by the introduction of an antipsychotic medication. The government came to a realization that feeding this group of people pills each day was a hell of a lot cheaper then caring for them 24/7. While this decision makes sense on paper when your just staring at expenses on the other side of the coin is what happens to these people when that med stops working or their condition worsens. With the small number of available beds a good percentage of these people are basically tossed to the side. They become homeless and commit some crime in order to take care of their necessities of life. Now they go in front of a judge whose option use to be to put them in a hospital where they would get the proper care which would lead them to a nice tax paying system but now with all of these hospitals no longer in circulation the only choice left is the correction system. The prison systems is not known for turning out healthy, happy people so the turnstile at the front door continues to spin at an alarming rate.

Sorry for that tangent. Back to medication. My advice for any one considering medication is to do the following (A) Seek out therapy (B) Make positive lifestyle changes (C) Try out available over the counter remedies. When all of this does not bring up the desired result then do your research and talk to your doctors about prescription mental meds. As to which med to pick? Write down the few most promising meds, put them into a hat, close your eyes and pick one (this may sound a little on the extreme side but it is scary how close it is to reality). Take care.

The Difficulty Of Treatment

I wish I had broken every single bone in my body instead of having a mental illness. If I had broken my bones the doctors would have been able to take an xray, ordered surgery or place the broken pieces in a cast and then would have been able to tell me how long it was going to take for me to be whole again. With mental illness there is the probability of being misdiagnosed, a wide assortment of medication may need to be tried until one was found that worked and the doctors do not have a clue how long it will take for me to get back to a better state in life.

Diagnosing - Certain mental disorders are not that easy to diagnose and a large reason is that there are numerous disorders that have similar symptoms and accompanied behavior. Two of my diagnosis are severe Major Depressive Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder but my doctor is not sure if the depression is a stand alone issue or is it the result of the Borderline condition. The main problem that this causes is if it is a stand alone issue then medication can go along way to helping me overcome the issue but if it is Borderline then medication is not going to make a whole lot of difference as one is a chemical problem and the other is a result of a personality quirk that needs to be unlearned through therapy.

Medication - To get off to the right start with medication the diagnosis needs to be correct or else it is not going to be that effective. The medication game is not an easy one as the right med can bring you to a better place but the wrong one can be dangerous. I was put on the drug Paxil pretty early in and this drug put me into a manic state where the self harm session looked a lot like a suicide attempt which landed me in the hospital for a couple of months. The next step was a combination of Effexor, Wellbutrin, Remeron, Lithium, Zyprexa and Temazapam that did appear to work at some level for about six months or so. I took myself off the Zyprexa due to massive weight gain in a very short amount of time and within the five months that followed I slowly spiraled back out of control until a cutting session looked like another suicide attempt which led to another hospital stay. While in the hospital they took me off Effexor, Wellbutrin, Remeron, Lithium in under a week then all I could take for two weeks was a variety of different anti psychotic meds as my doctor wanted to try Nardil an MAOI antidepressant but I needed my blood to be clean before it was introduced as the drug interactions can be deadly. Through numerous cutting sessions as a inpatient led to finding Seroquel which seems to be the perfect fit as it handles the psychotic end of my illness. I was on Nardil for about four months I guess and the initial dose had to be lowered as it was causing my blood pressure to get out of whack. The realization that I needed to get my teeth fixed led to Nardil being stopped as the drug interactions were too dangerous so this left me on Seroquel and Temazapam. The Seroquel dosage has been raised pretty much every month and I started at 25mg twice a day and now it is 100mg three times a day plus an additional 50mg when I need it. Problem is my depression still has not changed and I still fight suicidal ideations on a daily basis. The doctor wants me to go back to Nardil once my dental work is done (due to the disability program limitations the process is really drawn out) which should be by September. Of course with any mental med there are going to be side effects which is a whole different battle.

Treatment - I have gone through Electro Convulsive Therapy on two separate occasions for a total of seven sessions which did not produce any major changes plus I stopped breathing during the last session so it is no longer an option. I saw a therapist three times a week during my first hospital admission who was very helpful. Outside of the hospital I have had very little luck when three of the therapists stopped treating me once they learned of my self harm tendencies/history for they believed this proved that I was not stable enough to go through therapy (I don't get it either) and since the Borderline Personality diagnosis showed up I am unable to get through the doors of a therapist office let alone set up an appointment. So the majority of psychological treatment I have gone through consists of this blog and the various forums I frequent across the web such as healthboards and crazyboards.

So that is a brief answer to why I had wished I had broken every bone in my body instead of going through the chaos that is mental illness. As far as it goes to recovery time my doctor does not believe it is possible hence the name of this blog. Take care.

The Wall

It is an amazing day outside with the temperature at the highest level since late fall. I spent the afternoon with my son which is always the highlight of my week. For the last three days I have gone inline skating for at least a half hour per time. My diet has unbelievably healthy with no junk what so ever. So how come I have the urge to go back to bed and stay there until this cloud passes. Every time I think that the storm is finally leaving there stands the monster with a bat in front of a wall so high that I am unable to see the light.

The chemical theory of depression thrives on days like these as there is no logical answer to the quicksand that is quickly sapping my energy and the will to fight. I woke up today and whatever chemical is responsible just failed to show up or stick around. Why was yesterday a pretty good day yet today is the polar opposite and I have no idea what tomorrow will bring or the days that follow.

To me the worse part of depression is that it is never stable and more then one occasion I have told the doctor that I do not care if I am miserable as long as it is consistent. For the ups and downs are what does the most damage. If I was twenty four seven miserable eventually I would just adjust to it and would be able to carry on but the way it is now I never know what is around the corner and constantly reminded how good life can be before it is snatched away.

An anti depressant seems to be the logical option but there are other factors at play that cloud the clarity of this answer. I am med resistant but my doctor is not sure if this is just due to the way my body adapts way too quickly to meds or does it indicate that maybe my depression is not real but the result of the Borderline Personality Disorder operating from the bottom perspective where everything I take in will seem negative. Mind you the BPD theory does not explain why I have no energy and all I want to is crawl back to bed and hide but then again maybe it does an my distorted perception just can't see it. So many questions with very few clear answers. Take care.

Antidepressants

There has been a lot of talk about antidepressants in the media and how effective they really are for certain groups of people effected by depression. The main gripe I have with this particular class of medication is that doctors hand them out to easily without exploring other methods such as therapy first but what can you do as we live in a world where people want results fast.

Most people believe for some reason that an antidepressant is going to make them happy and this is not the case, not even close for that matter. What antidepressant may do is provide that kick in the ass to get you motivated and hopefully reduce the symptoms of depression to make the battle a little bit more easier. The problem is not every person reacts the same way to medication so finding the right med requires a little, or a lot, of trial and error. So lets look at the variety of antidepressants that are out there.

Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRI)

- This class makes the serotonin that your brain produces to hang around longer then usual basically. By keeping the levels sustained then technically this will overcome the depression.
- Paxil, Lexapro, Celexa, Prozac are the most common of the SSRI class

Multiple Reuptake Inhibitors

- This class effects a number of chemicals within the brain especially serotonin and norepinephrine. Basically the same theory as SSRI but with more then one chemical at play
- Effexor, Cymbalta, Wellbutrin are the big three.

Monoamine oxidase inhibitors (MAOI)

- This group prevents the breakdown of the main chemicals in the brain. Not used as often as the before mentioned classes as the side effects can be rather dangerous and a pretty strict diet needs to be followed. This drug class is known for breaking through depressions that have shown little progress with other forms of drug therapy.
- Nardil, Parnate and recently a MAOI patch are the common ones.

There are the big three so the question becomes which one is right for you and this is where the guessing game begins as for whatever the reason there is no test to tell the doctors what chemicals you are lacking or if there is one I have never seen or heard about it being used at least with any regularity.

It takes up to six weeks for a med to hit its full potential but the side effects tend to show up after a day or so. For some people the new med may be the piece they had been looking for, for others you just wasted six weeks for nothing and for a select few the new med may send you to a very bad place rather quickly. Paxil put me into the hospital in under a week and the guess why would be is that my serotonin levels really did not need to be adjusted so the manic state was a nice little warning that too much of a good thing can be rather unpleasant.

I am also drug resistant which basically means in my case that I respond well to most drugs but my body very quickly becomes adjusted to it so the med either has to be continually increased or another med needs to be found. To say I felt like a human lab rat for a while is probably an understatement. The best combo for me so far has been Effexor, Wellbutrin, Remeron, Lithium, Zyprexa and Temazapam which lasted for about nine months before it was discontinued (the Zyprexa was stopped six months in for it made me fat really quickly). The problem with drug combos is when it stops working it is difficult to figure out which med is to blame so my doctor stopped them all and I moved on to the MAOI class for a while.

Of course when it comes time to picking an antidepressant side effects should be kept in mind for some of them can seem like more of a pain in the ass then the actual depression plus a few of them are rather dangerous. Instead of listing out the long list of potential side effects I am just going to list the ones associated with Effexor but keep in mind this list comes from the maker of the drugs and they have a tendency of underplaying the dirty parts of the medication.

Important Safety Information

Suicidality and Antidepressant Drugs (Black Box Warning)

Antidepressants increased the risk compared to placebo of suicidal thinking and behavior (suicidality) in children, teens, and young adults. Depression and certain other psychiatric disorders are themselves associated with increases in the risk of suicide. Patients of all ages who are started on antidepressant therapy should be monitored appropriately and observed closely for clinical worsening, suicidality, or unusual changes in behavior. EFFEXOR XR® (venlafaxine HCl) is not approved for use in children and teens.

* People taking MAOIs should not take EFFEXOR XR.
* All patients taking antidepressants should be watched closely for signs that their condition is getting worse or that they are becoming suicidal, especially when they first start therapy, or when their dose is increased or decreased. Patients should also be watched for becoming agitated, irritable, hostile, aggressive, impulsive, or restless. Such symptoms should be reported to the patient’s doctor right away.
* Before starting EFFEXOR XR, tell your doctor if you’re taking or plan to take any prescription or over-the-counter drugs, including migraine headache medication, herbal preparations, and nutritional supplements, to avoid a potentially life-threatening condition.
* EFFEXOR XR may raise blood pressure in some patients. Your blood pressure should be controlled before starting treatment and should be monitored regularly.
* Mydriasis (prolonged dilation of the pupil of the eye) has been reported with EFFEXOR XR. You should notify your physician if you have a history of glaucoma or increased eye pressure.
* When people suddenly stop using or quickly lower their daily dose of EFFEXOR XR, discontinuation symptoms may occur. Talk to your doctor before discontinuing or reducing your dose of EFFEXOR XR.
* Pregnant or nursing women shouldn’t take any antidepressant without consulting their doctor.
* Until you see how EFFEXOR XR affects you, be careful doing such activities as driving a car or operating machinery. Avoid drinking alcohol while taking EFFEXOR XR.
* In clinical studies, the most common side effects with EFFEXOR XR (reported in at least 10% of patients and at least twice as often as with placebo) were constipation, dizziness, dry mouth, insomnia, loss of appetite, nausea, nervousness, sexual side effects, sleepiness, sweating, and weakness. Ask your doctor if EFFEXOR XR is right for you.


Nice eh. Anyway my normal reminder which is anytime your doctor wants to put you on a med make sure that you do your homework first and know exactly what your getting into. My favorite med resource is www.crazymeds.us Take Care.

A Day On The Psych Ward

Right off the bat I should mention that every psych ward is going to have its similarities and their differences. The last time I was on a psych ward it was for the month of October during 2007. This ward was located at the city hospital and its main purpose was suppose to be to deal with people in acute situations or in other words short term stays but due to lack of beds in facilities for complex situations half the patients were there for a lot longer then what the ward was designed for.

7:00am - This is my normal wake up time. I quickly dressed and left the bedroom while my three other roommates continued to snore. Normally I would grab my jacket and head out to the back deck for a quick smoke. The smoking area was a balcony that was literally caged in to prevent people from taking a flying leap.

8:00 - Breakfast would arrive. The menu switched from day to day with your usual morning food items. Coffee is all I cared for but every once in a while I would try something then quickly understood why I avoided breakfast. Around this time is when the morning meds would circulate.

9:00 - The doctors would begin to circulate. The patients would normally be sitting around waiting for the whole five minutes spent with their doctors. The typical question were (1) has anything changed since yesterday (2) How would you rate your mood (3) Any immediate concerns. Tax money well spent.

10:00 - The group therapy would begin. It covered such topics as meditation, relationship building and decision making. Picture ten people sitting around a small room all with a variety of mental illnesses though the majority were there for a form of depression and very quickly the group would be off track. I avoid group therapies for a few reasons (1) I have enough problems talking with my doctor and staff about problems in my life so the thought of telling my stories to a bunch of strangers is not exactly appealing (2) The topics that were covered I use to teach when I was at work (3) My personality works two ways in groups which is I dominate the meeting or I do not participate what so ever. I went to one group meeting during my month stay and it was mandatory for those going out on a weekend pass, the topic was what you hoped to accomplish with your brief trip home - my priorities were pretty obvious: spend time with my son and enjoy the visit with my mom who traveled six hours to give me a break from the hospital.

11:00 - Nothing scheduled.

12:00pm - Lunch. The food was pretty good until I was put on a diet for MAOI (antidepressant) then it was basically the same damn thing everyday. The afternoon meds would begin to circulate.

2:00 - Some sort of group activity Mon - Fri. Bingo, arts and crafts and what have you. The majority of people did not participate including me.

5:00 - Supper. See lunch.

7:00 - Another group therapy sessions but tended to be under half an hour.

8:30 - Snack.

9:00 - The night time meds would begin to go around.

10:00 - Bedtime for me.

Free time - There is a lot of free time on the psych ward. Some people spent that time in front of the television, others sat in little groups basically complaining about their situations, a small percentage spent the majority of the day in bed. I decided to write a book so if I was not working on communication with my doctor through letters, essays then chances are I was writing my book. I think I averaged close to eight hours a day on my book (that I have barely touched since my release)

Smoking - A lot of people on the psych ward smoke. If I did not smoke then chances are I would have never gone outside. A pain in the ass is there was patients whose cigarettes were on a schedule so they would be constantly begging others for smokes which the nursing staff completely frowned upon but some days fellow patients would give in just to have a moment of peace.

Security - There was a security guard on duty from Monday to Friday between 7am to 11pm. There was no security of weekends for I guess people do not go crazy on weekends.

Nurses - They ran the scale. They were some nurses who constantly went out of their way to help the patients and then they were nurses who you would see only at med dispensing times.

Therapy - The psych ward did not have a therapist. There was a grief counselor who came in once in a while. This lady was really good but she was stretched way to thin as she was responsible for pretty close to the entire hospital. I think I saw her three times in the month that I was there.

Incidents - People losing control of their emotions for whatever the reason was pretty common but the nurses quickly led them back to their rooms so as not to effect the other patients. There was one major incident that lasted close to three days off and on. The patient would go from somewhat calm to completely freaking where she would scream, band the walls, tried to destroy her room and what have you. This incident effected every other patient on the floor as no one knew what she was going to do. The protocol was to bring her to another hospital that was better equipped to handle someone of her need but there were no open beds to do so. Eventually they gave her enough drugs where she would be quiet for eight hours or so then the situation would repeat. I basically signed myself out, my doctor agreed with my logic, as the anxiety from this one person was not helpful to my mental condition plus it became rather apparent the hospital was not designed to deal with someone of my need.

Overall - The psych ward is a rather boring place to be and you spend a lot of time in your own head trying to figure things out on your own. The thing with psych wards is that people tend to feel safe there as the staff are always right around the corner so after a while the real world gets more and more intimidating which causes some patients to exaggerate their mental illness to ensure a longer stay. Unfortunately this psych ward was designed to just deal with the crisis and not the overall problem so people leaving then coming back within a six month period was pretty routine.

Solution - The obvious one is money for longer term beds, one on one therapy and to switch the thinking from medicate to therapeutic treatment as band aids do not last very long.

take care

What The Hell?

I was watching a commercial for a popular med out there and for the first fifteen seconds they listed all of the wonderful benefits but then for the remainder of the advertisement they listed the potential side effects. When you have been on mental meds every once in a while you wonder what is worse the actual disorder or the side effects that come with the medication. Here is a list of a number of side effects I have experienced over the last few years.

1. Zyprexa. This anti psychotic made the little voice in my head go away and my self harm tendencies basically disappeared. The problem was I managed to gain close to seventy pounds in about six months while barely eating. Apparentely this is rather common as there are numerous lawsuits against the company.

2. Effexor. The decision was made that it was no longer working so it was time to come off of this lovely med. Stopping this drug cold may line you up for discontinuation syndrome which is basically withdrawal from hell. Pretty much your sick and living in a fog until your brain readjusts for some this is a few days but for others it can be months. The oddest symptom is known as the brain zaps where out of no where you get these electric shock like sensations in your brain. The zaps don't hurt but they are really annoying. The makers of Effexor are being sued for failing to mention that their med is addictive and the problems coming off of the med.

3. Lithium. Everything tasted like metal for the first couple of months I was on this drug. Just odd.

4. Lithium. Towards the end of my relationship with this med my body was beginning to revolt. Fingers that had problems with dexterity, knees that would lock and throw off of my balance. A couple of weeks after this med was stopped my body started to behave normally again.

5. Paxil. This big boy of anti depressants made me so happy that I ended up in a manic state where thinking was just not allowed. Loss of control plus a self harm behavior equaled a two month stay on the psych ward. The makers of Paxil are also being sued due to the meds addictive properties and the high potential of withdrawal hell.

6. Seroquel. When my body was adjusting to this med I spent a lot of time in bed. Take the pill then within an hour your fighting to keep your eyes open. The weird part is the higher the dose the drowsiness factor disappears. At the beginning 25mg was enough for a nap now at a 100mg a dose it does not even produce a yawn. Seroquel is being sued as well due to a high number of people developing diabetes and excessive weight gain.

7. Nardil. This MAOI antidepressant came with some scary side effects. If you ate the wrong food or took the wrong drug such as a cough med your blood pressure may spike potentially leading to a stroke which potentially kill you. When I first started this med every time my stress level increased a little bit I would get dizzy so it was decided to reduce the dosage.

8. Various. The zombie effect. Basically your sleep walking. The good part is your not thinking about all of the things that bother you but the problem is your not thinking what so ever. You are no longer depressed but your not happy either as all emotions just seem to have disappeared. This is a huge reason why a lot of people stop taking their meds.

Anyway there is a partial list of some of the wonderful side effects that come along with certain mental meds. The rest of the potential list is very long and to be honest rather scary. The one that always jumps at me is the black box warning on a number of anti depressants which is taking the med may increase suicidal ideation and behavior in some people. Take care.

The Placebo Effect

It is pretty common to see someone come on to a health forum and make a statement similar to this one "I started medication X and it worked great for the first week or so but now it is not working" what this person is describing is the placebo effect or basically wishful thinking. The average anti depressant takes four to six weeks before it really kicks in so what the person is experiencing is the power of positive thought.

A few weeks ago a study was released that anti depressants were ineffective to a high percentage of people who were taking them. I would bet that the majority of people that this report referred to thought that they were talking about someone else as their "happy pills" were working wonders on them. Another study came out where people believed that the more expensive medication worked better then the cheaper variety again another example of positive thinking as no scientific data backs up this theory.

I wonder how the big drug corporations reacted when they saw the study that basically said sugar pills were just as effective as their very expensive medication. Chances are they did not have the time to respond as they were working on a new study that would counteract the damage created by the before mentioned studies. Take care.

The Continuing Saga

For those of you keeping up a few days ago I had called my family doctor to get in to see him and the receptionist said she would try to get me in that day or the day after. Well they never called so when I called back on Thursday I found out the office was closed for the next week. So I decided I would just live with the sore tooth. Last night I kept repeatedly waking up as when the one tooth was hit the pain would jar me back awake. I found a walk in clinic and after a two hour wait saw the doctor on staff who after a brief examination declared the tooth was infected. Great another problem and yet another med to add to the list. On a positive note the walk in doctor was friendly and professional.

A steady traffic is coming in from Entrecard, nothing overly massive but enough to encourage me to keep dropping off more cards plus my subscription number has been steadily increasing which is always a bonus. The majority of my traffic is still from stumbleupon but that is really not a surprise.

Well I need to go back to bed but will try to come up with something for later on today. If anyone has questions or a comment just drop them off below and it could be the topic later on today. Oh please stumble me if you have enjoyed this blog as every thumbs up counts. Thanks. Take care

Ritalin A Parenting Tool

There has been many studies come out as of late that antidepressants are being over prescribed to a group of people who really do not need them. This is a problem but in my opinion a lot less concerning then the amount of children who are prescribed an anti ADHD/ADD medication.

I did a quick Google search just to get some basic information about this problem and the first site to jump up was adhd.com. This site lists all the symptoms of this disorder and I will list a few here:

The first category is inattention:
* Ignores details; makes careless mistakes
* Has trouble sustaining attention in work or play
* Does not seem to listen when directly addressed
* Does not follow through on instructions; fails to finish
* Has difficulty organizing tasks and activities
* Avoids activities that require a sustained mental effort
* Loses things he or she needs
* Is forgetful in daily activities
* Is easily distracted

The second category is hyperactivity
* Fidgets or squirms
* Has to get up from seat
* Runs or climbs when he or she shouldn't
* Has difficulty with quiet leisure activities
* Is on the go, as if driven by a motor
* Talks excessively

The last category is impulsivity
* Blurts out answers before questions have been completed
* Has difficulty waiting his or her turn
* Interrupts or intrudes on others

Now this site does say the above criteria is present in most children so it is important to go see a doctor to get a proper screening done. If you are a parent who is having difficulty with your child how easy is it to see that your child fits the above criteria and then make sure that the doctor prescribes one of the many meds that "help" with the behavior. Doesn't take much and before you know it another child is on medication. Every year the ages of children diagnosed with ADHD is getting younger and younger. At one point the majority of children on these types of meds were somewhere between 12 to 17 or so but now children as young as 5 or 6 who are put on this chemical assistance. A question aimed at the readers of this particular post: Does any of you have children who do not meet the above criteria? I know my son does meet about eighty percent of the criteria so does that mean he has ADHD? Nope it means he is four. Now don't get me wrong there are legitimate cases of ADHD out there but I severely doubt it is any where the number of children who are on this type of medication.

Lets take a look at the classification of the top two meds for this type of behavior Ritalin and Adderall. Both of these meds are classified as Schedule 2 Controlled Substances which mean they meet the following criteria:
(A) The drug or other substance has a high potential for abuse.
(B) The drug or other substance has a currently accepted medical use in treatment in the United States or a currently accepted medical use with severe restrictions.
(C) Abuse of the drug or other substances may lead to severe psychological or physical dependence.

We hand over these drugs to children way too easily without doing the proper homework. By the way ADHD.com/ADHD.ca is run by Lilly the makers of Ritalin.



Part of the documentary from America's Chemical Angels

The Symptoms Of My Depression

Some of the following might be typical for others dealing with depression and some may be unique to just me. If after reading this post you identified with to many of the specific points do yourself a favor and contact your doctor. Depression is treatable but it is not a fight you want to do on your own.

1. The urge to sleep. Sleep is the great escape for a lot of people and the thought of staying in bed all day wrapped tightly in blankets seems a lot more appealing then facing life head on. I have gone through periods where I averaged over twelve hours a day yet had to fight the urge to go back to bed within hours after getting up.

2. Weight issues. Some people end up eating way too much as a mean of comfort but I always seem to go the opposite way and just stopped eating. Not good when someone asks when was the last time that you ate and you ask what day it is.

3. Nothing makes you feel better. Some days every positive thought in the world is not only unable to lift you up it is unable to bring a smile to your face. The larger problem is when bad days stretch into weeks and possibly months.

4. Suicidal ideation. Not good when you spend too much time arguing with your brain that suicide is the bad choice. Before my illness hit I had a million and one reasons why I would never commit a permanent solution to a temporary problem, three years later I am down to one and thank goodness it is all I need. By the way if your having suicidal thoughts get your ass to the hospital

5. Overly emotional. Something small and on most days insignificant is able to send you straight over the emotional edge then Houston there is a problem. Bad days when the plow truck comes by moments after I finish shoveling has me contemplating my own existence.

Major Depression is literally sucks the life out of your body when it is at its peak. For some people medication does provide enough of a distraction so you get down to the really dirty work that most people call therapy. All the technical jargon is listed below.

The DSM Criteria for Major Depressive Disorder is the following:

A. Five (or more) of the following symptoms have been present during the same 2-week period and represent a change from previous functioning; at least one of the symptoms is either (1) depressed mood or (2) loss of interest or pleasure.

Note: Do note include symptoms that are clearly due to a general medical condition, or mood-incongruent delusions or hallucinations.

(1) depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report (e.g., feels sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful). Note: In children and adolescents, can be irritable mood.

(2) markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day (as indicated by either subjective account or observation made by others)

(3) significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain (e.g., a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month), or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day. Note: In children, consider failure to make expected weight gains.

(4) insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day

(5) psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day (observable by others, not merely subjective feelings of restlessness or being slowed down)

(6) fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day

(7) feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt (which may be delusional) nearly every day (not merely self-reproach or guilt about being sick)

(8) diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day (either by subjective account or as observed by others)

(9) recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide

B. The symptoms do not meet criteria for a Mixed Episode.

C. The symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

D. The symptoms are not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication) or a general medical condition (e.g., hypothyroidism).

E. The symptoms are not better accounted for by Bereavement, i.e., after the loss of a loved one, the symptoms persist for longer than 2 months or are characterized by marked functional impairment, morbid preoccupation with worthlessness, suicidal ideation, psychotic symptoms, or psychomotor retardation

Do You Really Need Those Meds

A comment showed up today outlining a situation where a million and one different meds were tried all to no avail but the person was able to get to a better position in life simply by a lot of hard work. This relates back to a very old argument that is not likely to slow down any time soon which is nature versus nurture or were you born with a mental health disorder or did someone teach it to you.

Depression is a disorder that is hotly debated whether it is a cause of a chemical imbalance or it is a condition that was created by poor decision making, emotional control and circumstance. If it is a chemical balance the best course of action is medication that will settle the brain chemicals but if it is the latter theory then the best response is therapy. What do I think? When I am on the right med my illness is tamer but it does not go anywhere and only through a lot of hard work and therapy will my depression ever be in check. I see anti depressants as a tool but not a cure. The meds calm down all of the distracting elements of the disorder so I can focus on the main problem which in my case is a faulty thinking process and a pass that will not go away. Anti depressants equal huge profits for drug manufactures who lean towards the chemical imbalance because that is where the money is. We live in a society where everyone wants action now and unfortunately too many people believe that an antidepressant is the solution when chances are all they needed was time and to create an ass groove on a therapists couch.

Borderline Personality Disorder is a Personality Disorder but right now there is a movement to get it classified as a mood disorder. For the longest time people believed that BPD was taught and a result of circumstances but lately there is this movement pushing for a brain defect. A personality disorder can not be treated easily with medication for there is nothing wrong with the chemical makeup of the brain. Again the best course of action is therapy to unlearn the negative thought process's which lead to the disorder but if it is a brain defect then it opens the door to medication which leads to profit for the fat cats at the drug manufacture head office. DBT or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy has shown tons of success for people with BPD so it kind of makes you wonder who is responsible for all of the "new" research and studies that keeps coming out, yes I am being sarcastic.

When it comes to a disorder that is routed in nurture the best cure is hard work and therapy with meds coming into play for a small percentage of people to provide a small role in cleaning out the mind so it is easier for the person to focus. When the disorder starts way before parenting begins then meds do play a key role as all of the therapy in the world is not going to fix a brain glitch or a chemical imbalance. The problem right now is too many people are asking their doctor for some chemical help when the person should be asking for a referral to a therapist.

Cleansing Of The Mind

It has been a weird and very long day. Woke up this morning and my body felt like someone spent the entire night beating it with a cane as every muscle and bone was on fire. The Seroquel prevents my brain from running off into the manic sunset but it also puts a haze on everything that I see. Not thinking of depression or self injury because I am not thinking. When the drug begins to wear off I find myself in a place in the far corner of my brain so I quickly take that next dose to go back to the land of nothing where I don't have to feel or remember garbage that should be long gone by now. Looking in the mirror is an adventure in itself as I stare and stare yet my brain can barely recognize the broken man staring back. My eyes have lost their sparkle and I can feel the depression demon breathing hard on the back of my neck that is making my blood run cold. The war in my mind has been going on for so long I really do not have a clue what I am fighting for anymore. Can't be fighting for happiness as I have no idea what it is and doubt I would know what to do with it. I know pain and I know misery as they have always been a part of my life hell I came out of the womb swinging with two clenched fists ready to go. My body is covered with scars that can be read like books, the battle to save me volume one to a thousand. Passed the four month mark of being self injury free but it is not as accomplishment just a combination of a med and my inner self who can't be bothered I am probably healthier when I do cut at least then I am making an effort. Staring at the scars from that last session right before I threw my hands up in the air and admitted I was completely out of control and there they are a series of bright pink marks that have not even attempted to fade. A gentle reminder that I was a couple of millimeters to entering that permanent sleep where there is no pain and my emotional turmoil is finally silenced but I am still here today and I will be here tomorrow searching for the missing pieces that will finally put my life back into some sort of order. My disorders have taken my ex wife, my child, my career, my hopes, my dreams, my sense of worth, my self esteem, my stability and all that remains is a skeleton too angry to just fall down and die. There is nothing left to take so is it not time for depression to hit the road and find its next victim or will it not be satisfied until I am six feet under. Tomorrow will be a better day is what they keep telling me but I have been waiting for tomorrow for way too long and I am at the point where I don't believe tomorrow will ever come. Drugs are kicking in so I need to go find my bed so I can lay down and fall into a deep slumber where the nightmares will take over and I will feel every punch and kick in the morning.

Loss Of Contact With Reality

When people have a sudden loss of contact with reality it is deemed that they are psychotic or experiencing a psychotic episode. Most people will experience a psychosis at some part of their life but like everything else in mental health there is a scale that measures severity.

When the question appeared about psychotic behavior in the comment section of another post I really did not think that psychoses effected my life but after a quick trip to a bunch of sites I realized the impact was much larger then I thought. Psychosis is a symptom of a high number of mental disorders as well as some physical ailments.

Delusions - Paranoia is a big one here. Remember the story of me searching an empty house with a golf club in hand looking for something that was not there. The majority of this situation can be linked to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Anxiety at the base level but it was a mental delusion that somehow someone entered my home without my knowing that had me searching the house ready to brain the intruder which turned out to be a creaking floor board. Another blog that has dealt with a delusion on the high end is when I thought that I was already dead so I had to hide to make sure death could not find me. Two hours under blankets before my brain could sort that one out.

Hallucinations - This category can effect any one of our senses taste, smell, sight, sound and touch. One of my diagnosis is severe major depressive disorder with psychotic features which means I am depressed and use to hear a voice that was not my own. This lovely little voice never told me what to do rather it encouraged negative behavior. Small things such as "You seem to be awfully stressed so why don't you grab a razor and make yourself feel better" or "Wouldn't it be nice to just lie down and all of your problems go away for good. The pill bottle in front of you can accomplish that" or "Remember when you were seven and..." this one leads to flashbacks which also can be found in the psychotic handbook. As far as visual hallucinations there have been occasions when I think I see something that is not there for example a couple of times I have destroyed my forearm trying to get rid of the bugs under my skin.

Thoughts - This differs from delusions as the thoughts themselves can be fine but what differs is the speed. My most problematic area is that my brain races to a point where I am completely overwhelmed and I will go to extreme lengths to make it stop which is more then not self harm. When I am communicating with others in this state nothing makes sense as I can not focus on one train of thought as there are what seems like millions of disconnected thoughts rushing through my mind. Sometimes I am able to catch it in times but there have been points where my brain just blanks and I have no clue what happened. My last admission can be tied into a psychotic break for I was having a bad day as my brain was spiraling out of control so I grabbed my razor then next thing I knew it I was in the bathroom cleaning cuts that could have ended my life. The next day I walked into my doctors office then pulled up my sleeve and two hours later I was in a hospital bed.

Black Outs - They are unbelievably terrifying and trying to deal with the consequences of them afterwards is difficult. How do you explain to someone your behavior when you have no recollection of the event happening. Not a nice feeling when your brain clicks back on and you can not account for a missing time period. My brain is wired in such a way that the person I will thrust my anger on first is always me and I have a lot of scars to show for it.

It is very difficult to admit to a mental health professional that you need help for depression, PTSD, anxiety or what have you but trying to find the courage to tell my doctor that I was hearing voices and blacking out took a long time because I figured that they would lock me up and throw away the key. Now I take Seroquel three times a day and it has helped in many areas as the inner voice is gone, flashbacks have been reduced and most importantly my brain is not spinning out of control. I have come to the realization that the med class of anti psychotics will always be a part of my life and right now I am fine with that as I can still remember what happens when psychosis runs the show.

When The Meds Suddenly Stop

There are many different reasons why people will all of a sudden stop taking their medication and unfortunately like everything else in mental health there is a risk to it. If you think it is time for your meds to be stopped talk to your doctor first and let everyone in your support circle know of the plan so people are aware and will take action if negative behaviors suddenly start to appear.

So here are some reasons why medication is stopped:

1. The person no longer feels like they need the additional help - This area can be an amazing goal as it could mean that the individual has finally beaten their own person demon. The problem is the meds could be the reason why you are feeling so wonderful and you may be setting yourself to finding out the hard way how important the drugs are to your mental well being.

2. The freaking side effects are just to much - This is the category that causes a lot of people from no longer taking their meds. Zyprexa allowed my brain to stop racing, limited both the urges, flashbacks, nightmares and shut up the little voice that was up to no good. Sound great right? I also managed to gain over sixty pounds in under six months even though I barely ate. Mental health clarity and stability is a wonderful thing but won't mean much if you drop dead of a heart attack. A common side effect is known as the zombie effect which basically feels like your sleep walking while your wide awake, a normal conversation goes like this "Hey Untreatable how are you doing?" and a couple of minutes later my brain has realized that A) Someone is talking to me B) An answer is required. You get a lot of funny looks when your in zombie mode but the good thing is your in such a daze that you really do not notice. Sex is another big one. You are finally feeling good enough that you want to engage in bumping uglies but the problem is vital parts of your anatomy do not want to cooperate which then tends to lead to a deeper depression. Nardil, the MAOI anti depressant I came off of recently had its own scary level of side effects such as eating the wrong food or taking another drug on the no no list would send your blood pressure through the roof possibly to the point of causing a stroke and the no no list is very long. When I first started the diet it was like playing Russian roulette as I always wondered if the next meal would be my last. Thankfully my wonderful resources over at crazyboards helped me to figure out the diet.

3. Cost - One of the benefits of being deemed long term disabled is my plan covers the cost of all of my medication. Also being Canadian means my drug costs would be no where near to that of a neighboring American but for a lot of people the choice comes down to keeping a roof over their head or medication. There are a lot of generics out on the marketplace but you need to do your homework first as the chemical components in some differ a lot from brand name to generic and the best example is Wellbutrin. My doctor believes the generic version of Wellbutrin is nothing but a problem so he made sure the hospital would provide me with samples as my plan always goes for the generic version. Too many people suddenly stop their medication because of financial reasons.

Well there are the top three reasons why people stop taking their medication. Certain anti depressants will send a person straight into the discontinuation syndrome which is a fancy way to describe withdrawal and it can literally be hell on earth. Many experts claim that stopping a drug like Effexor or Paxil brings up the same response as someone going cold turkey off of heroin. Drugs like Valium and Xanax keep millions of people nice, calm and stable but when all of a sudden the meds are discontinued the person may end up in a tornado full of anxiety which can lead to very poor choices made and a lot of people at risk. The last two shooting tragedies in the USA included the following statement "The shooter suddenly stopped taking his medication".

Mountains From Mole Hils

It seems every time I turn around there is a new website promoting the cure for anxiety. For only $19.95 this self proclaimed expert will teach you the various methods where anxiety will no longer be an issue in your life. So why are there so many sites? Anxiety disorder is the top mental health problem in the USA with forty million people effected every year so the consumer base is pretty high.

Anxiety is normal to a certain point. It is what fuels the fight or flight button in or brain that is designed to keep us safe or at least safer. Of course to me Anxiety is like Depression in one word does not do a very good job of covering an entire disorder spectrum. This one word somehow covers the jitters you get before an important meeting or a first date or trying to explain to your parents how you just wrapped Dad's prized possession around a tree. Anxiety also includes being so afraid of the outside world that you never leave your house or anxiety attacks that are so severe you swear your going to die or flashbacks that are tied into Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that will send you back into your person hell in a heartbeat or a phobia so strong that there is no way in hell are you going to confront it. One heck of a spectrum for one word.

How do you get over anxiety or at least lessen the impact it has on your life? Well first you send me a check for $29.99 and I will tell you, just kidding. The key to plain old anxiety is figuring out where it came from which is a lot harder then it sounds. Joe Blow is scared to leave his house because the one time he did a pack of rabid squirrels bit him on the ass so he now believes this event will repeat so he sentences himself to house arrest. This may be a extreme example but I can guarantee the situation, well maybe not the part of the squirrels, applies to a group of people. The key to therapy for this situation is for Joe to be able to understand what happened to him was a freak occurrence and it is not what is to be expected when he steps outside his home. The longer the anxiety has been present the harder it is to treat for over time the mind tends to make mountains out of mole hills.

Here is another group example and that is people who are terrified of the dark which is a pretty large group. Is it the fact that there is no light in the room that scares this group? Yes and no. The dark scares them but it is not the cause as chances are something happened a long time ago in a dark room that set this particular anxiety off. They are not afraid of the dark but they are afraid that something that took place in the dark will happen again a lot of people who were sexually or physically abused as children are terrified of the dark. Understanding the root of the anxiety is the key to overcoming it.

Anxiety related to health problems is so unbelievably common it keeps doctors and emergency rooms busy. The drawback to the internet is that there is too much information available which just makes a bad situation even worse. Across the forums that I participate on I see it constantly. People taking one thing such as a worry that their friends do not like them and before you know it they believe that they are now the proud owner of a Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis. My response is always the same thing go see a doctor to get a real evaluation done then start to research the problematic behavior and not the other way around. The part that always get me is I see people post about a specific condition for awhile then when you ask if they have seen a medical professional the answer is no. To me the doctor is always the first step and then I go from there. Ever been tested for HIV? What is the worst part? The wait for by the time the results have come back you have completely convinced yourself that you have this terrible condition but when the test comes back negative you feel on top of the world and a little bit stupid for allowing yourself to think the way you did. The majority of health concerns can be ruled out with a visit to the doctors and waiting a week for the test results is a lot easier on the body then a self diagnosis which is just asking for trouble. As soon as a question appears in your mind find a doctor to answer it for you and stay away from medical sites until you have a firm diagnosis.

My worst anxiety attack occurred before I had my breakdown. I was recovering from shingles and my throat was sore so I did what most people do and looked in the mirror. My throat was a different color then normal and for whatever the reason I thought it was swelling. I tried to ignore it but my brain would not let it go and for some weird mental reason I believed that I could no longer swallow so now I was breathing heavily through my nose. A quick trip back to the mirror and now I was convinced that my throat was swollen shut. Mentally I was long gone by this point and started to hyper ventilate to the point where my ex drove me to the hospital. On the way there I was struggling to breathe and at one point she wanted to stop at her work to call an ambulance. We get to the hospital and my ex convinced a nurse I was a couple of steps away from dying so I was immediately rushed through. I was in one of the little rooms still struggling to breathe when the doctor came in and he examined my throat then said yes it was red but there was no signs of it swelling shut and no logical reason why I could not breathe normally and do you know what all of a sudden I could breathe again. The mind is a powerful device that can convince you that your dying when your perfectly fine. Save yourself the anguish and stress and go see your doctor to answer that question that will not go away on its own.

There are many forms of anxiety disorders from Generalized Anxiety Disorder to Social Anxiety Disorder to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder to Panic Disorder to Phobias to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder to Agoraphobia and a bunch more. The best thing to do is get a firm diagnosis, develop a treatment plan and then go to work on it at least this way you know exactly what your dealing with instead of wandering around in circles. My anxiety is in check at the moment due to a whole hell of a lot of meds but I know the only way to lessen it on a permanent basis is to get to the route of the issue but being Borderline means no therapist is willing to come near me so I am relying on the band aid that is medication to keep the bugger at bay.

Steps That I Have Taken To Beat The Monster

Part of this comes from a thread I started on Healthboards a few months ago to just show the steps I have taken to battle against my mental disorders. The odd thing about the thread is it turned into a good conversation that deals with the ins and outs of Borderline Personality Disorder, 291 posts and almost seven thousand views which is a pretty neat trick.

Anyway here are some of the steps I have taken and hopefully it will help someone else and answer the question of what I have been doing for the last three years.

1. Two voluntary hospitalizations lasting a total of over three months
2. Electro Convulsive Therapy - 5 sessions in 2005 and one sessions in 2007 (the whole forgetting how to breathe stopped this treatment pretty quick
3. Medicine -
(A) Antidepressants - Celexa, Paxil, Remeron, Effexor, Wellbutrin, Nardil, Trazodone
(B) Mood Stabilizers - Lithium
(C) Antipsychotics - Zyprexa, Seroquel, Clozapine
(D) Benzodiazepines - Ativan, Xanax, Valium, Klonopin, Temazepam
4. Diet - Due to the wonderful world of Zyprexa my weight shot up to 270 pounds so the last six months I have made it back to 200
5. Exercise - One day upper, second day lower, third day rest, repeat for the last two months. Missed three days due to Nardil withdrawal
6. Wrote out my entire life history and handed it over to my psych doc so that he would understand me better which made our relationship a lot more productive at least for a while.
7. I tracked every single behavior, emotion, when I took my meds, when I slept all to provide the doc with better information so he would know which dosage would work best plus it allowed me to identify any trends that I could work on or at least prepare for when it came to self injury.
8. Therapists - The best one was during my first hospital admission. The next one dealt with PTSD but once I made the mistake of telling her I cut one night she deemed me too unstable to treat. There were a couple of others who never made it past the third appointment again using self harm to stop my treatment. After the second hospitalization I sent a letter to the CHMA which is the Canadian Health Mental Association asking for their help to find a