Lets Try This Again

I think I can blame the lack of creativity on Effexor for I have tried to write numerous times this week and to be quite honest all that came out of it was frustration.

I was talking to my Mom the other day and she seemed to clue in to the struggle that I am going through at the moment. When my illness is in its "normal" phase I will tell her whether things are going good or bad but once I past that certain line I tend to completely clam up. Some stupid belief that by talking about the illness it is going to make it worse so I don't do it. The purpose of a strong support system is to have a place to turn when you need it but like other areas in my life instead of asking others for help I just continue to push them away.

Self harm is one of those areas especially when it involves the doctor. Part of my brain is to worried he is going to see a slip or a brief episode as an indicator of loss of control which may lead to another hospital stay so I either lie my ass off or just refuse to answer the question. Part of this I justify by believing that I know when I am in control and when I am in trouble of course the blatant truth would be I am the last person who should be judging where I am on the mental health spectrum. Trying to explain to someone, even someone who is a mental health professional why you choose to cause damage to your body is never easy and I always feel afterwords that I was misunderstood so I tend to avoid talking about it. I have gone almost nine months with two small slips so from one perspective a lot of gains have been made mind you from the other angle this particular monster is still capable of rearing its ugly head.

How is the Effexor working? It is really hard to tell. There are moments when I think my outlook is positive but at the same time I realize that there is a wall up again between me and my emotions. This has benefits for it takes a lot of effort trying to fight negative thought patterns all day but at the same time I tend to feel really disconnected from reality which is not the most pleasant of sensations and one of the reasons self harm popped back up on the radar for a few moments.

Anyway I apologize for being so quiet lately and like I mentioned before I blame it on the Effexor for it is the easiest answer. Take care.

Where I Am

I have a funny feeling this last little downward spiral is due to Effexor. For the last couple of months I have been relying on the wonderful fog that is Seroquel which tends to keep my brain somewhat limited when it comes to emotions and feelings. Along comes Effexor and for what ever the reason I am now well aware of those little nasty thought patterns that are circling through my head. Through past experience I know this will past as soon as the brain becomes accustomed to all of the new chemical help at least til the next time the drug is increased.

Most people talk about the fog that comes with mental meds how they are unable to feel all of the happy moments around them but at the same time the negative tends to be a lot less severe so there is a definite trade off. Unfortunately to really experience the good you need to experience the bad for without evil good does not exist.

Through periods such as this I try to keep myself occupied with rather simplistic tasks that do not require any thinking or processing of any sort so for the last few days I have spent swearing at video games and basically allowing my brain to become use to the med with little interference from me. The danger in doing this is the routine gets thrown right out the window and before you know it your back to sleeping twelve plus hours a day, can't remember the last time you ate and the trips to the outside world are literally minutes per day. I think I am passed the hump so the first thing to do is reestablish the routine to resemble a somewhat healthy routine and get out of the pattern I currently occupy.

I want to thank you all for the amount of support and good will sent my way which is greatly appreciated and definitely helped. Til next time take care.

A Mental Vacation

I do not know what the reason or the trigger is but for whatever the reason mentally I am going the wrong way. It could be the reintroduction of Effexor, it could have resulted from a bad dream or it could have been something that I wrote on this blog but for whatever the reason I ended up in a place that I really did not want to be back in. When a situation like this arises the first thing I do is disappear into my mind trying to sort out the mess and I also tend to isolate myself to a more high degree as all outside factors seems to add to the confusion so the goal is to simply my world as much as possible until I can regain some form of control.

This blog comes with a price and that is to show the world of mental health as realistic as possible I need to search my brain looking for that situation which will drive the point home but by doing so I am also spending too much times in areas that are best left alone. Basically what I need at this time is a mental vacation so I am going to use this week as such. I don't want to say I am not going to blog for a while for I never know when the urge to hit will reappear but I am going to take a step back and try to clear the cobwebs in my head. Take care.

Armchair Diagnosis

I normally do not write on the weekends but with this latest saga with Effexor I never know when the urge is going to hit so I better take advantage of it when it does show up. Yep that made a lot of sense. Anyway I have been spending a lot of time over at healthboards recently not actually participating but reading what others have written and I see a trend that is starting to reappear once again which is people trying to diagnose others with some variety of mental illness.

It is damn near impossible to diagnose someone from one post and to be quite honest it is a little bit irresponsible at the same time. Telling someone they may have a specific diagnosis may seem helpful but it also sends the person to doing mass research on the diagnosis and even if the label is wrong by the time they are done going through all of the material they will convince themselves it is a perfect fit. On a good/bad day I basically meet the standard for close to every diagnosis out there from the way the criteria is spelled out.

To get a proper diagnosis done it is essential that you do the following:

(A) Seek out a qualified mental health professional hopefully one that answers to the name doctor.
(B) Provide as much information as possible in order to get a clear diagnosis. The doctor is looking for long standing patterns which will help him/her match up the right diagnosis. There is no such thing as too much information.
(C) Ask questions. If you do not think the diagnosis is correct ask the doctor for a better explanation/clarification remember you are paying him for his service.

The proper diagnosis leads to a proper treatment plan which will hopefully put you back into the game. The wrong diagnosis leads to increase levels of anxiety which is never a good thing on any level. Take care.

Lessons We Learn In Death

I believe any experience whether positive or negative offers a path of learning to better enrich our lives. The passing of a love one is no exception.

Tomorrow is not guaranteed. What would happen if you knew that tomorrow morning your eyes would never open again.

1. Would you be rushing off to tell family and friends what they mean to you or would be comfortable with the knowledge that they already know?

2. Would you spend the time in regret of all of the things that you wished to accomplish but for whatever the reason never attempted?

3. Would you be caught thinking about all of the time wasted on the "ifs" and "I wish I could change" instead of being focused on the present?

4. Would you be happy with the way your life went or would you believe that you wasted the greatest gift?

We live in a funny time that seems to get faster and faster with every passing year. I can not tell you what tomorrow is going to bring but I guess the purpose of this post is to gently remind you that it is your life and you are responsible in how it is written. Like that country guy sings live like your dying. take care.

How To Help Someone With Mental Illness

*This is an older post that I brought back to the surface for a couple of reasons (1) Today is a holiday so it would not be very patriotic to work on Canada's Day
(2) Freaking Effexor headache which was expected but still rather annoying and is screwing up my concentration.

Anyway enough with the excuses and on with the post

How To Help Someone With Mental Illness

Over the course of this blog I have received numerous emails about people who are in a desperate situation trying to help someone in their life who is not mentally well. Unfortunately this is a difficult place to be in as there is not a lot that can be done but that does not mean it is impossible.

1. Change. The best medication, the best programs, the best therapy and the best doctors in the world mean absolutely nothing if the person who is sick does not want to change. This change needs to come from within the person and not the result of wanting to please others around him or her. I have seen to many people whose treatment has failed just due to the wrong mindset. "I want to change for my kids sake" sounds great on the surface but "I want to change so I am in a better position to help my kids" is the answer you want to hear.

2. Learned helplessness. Time and time again I see loved ones who are literally trying to extract the illness from the person by taking care of every single aspect of the persons life. This is not only helpful to the person who is ill but this tends to drop a significant stress load on the person trying to help. I understand that you want to help but you need to draw a line in the sand for both of your sakes. If a person knows that whatever they do someone is going to be there to pick up the pieces how hard are they going to fight for themselves.

3. As a male I have a tough time talking about any aspect of mental health with the people in my life and when someone with good intentions tries to draw my problems out I tend to withdraw even further. I don't need someone to hold my hand but just knowing when I do need to let things out someone is there to hear it. Don't push just tell the person when he or she is ready you will be there.

4. I am well aware of the fact that currently I am disabled by mental illness but I do not need to be reminded that I am sick. Most of the day I spend in my head fighting monsters and one of the best things that you can do is help me focus on a world that is a better place then the one I am currently living in. Remind me what I am fighting for and do not focus on my illness.

5. Patience and lots of it. Mental illness is not like the flu or a broken bone as there is no set time period when the person is better. For some the battle may be short but for others it may cover a long time span. It is important that you pace yourself and do not burn the candle at both ends. A lot of my friends initially were very supportive upfront but once my illness reached the six months point the majority of them had disappeared. There are days when I am the guy next door and there are days when I should be locked up on the psych ward this is just the way mental illness works. As long as I want to change and keep fighting to get to a better place then eventually this battle will be over but it is going to take some time.

6. Warning signs. Please do not ignore them. If the persons behavior suddenly switches to the point where they appear to be a danger to themselves or someone else then it is essential that you act. Every tragedy that shows up in the papers and on the TV always have people talking about signs that could have prevented it. The law is there for a reason and that is to keep the mentally ill person safe and to protect society at large. Yes the person is not going to be happy with you upfront but I have seen a lot of people who will eventually admit that the emergency psych admission was the reason for them to not only turn the corner to recovery but may have saved their lives. My approach has always been it is better to over react then not react at all as I just will not take that chance.

Mental illness is a terrible thing that takes its toll on the people living with and for those trying to help. Remember this is a marathon and not a sprint plus the best thing someone can do is reassure the person that they are not fighting this battle alone and being there when the person reaches out. Take care

June Mental Health Report

I should be sleeping at the moment but I have hesitated taking my pills. Don't tell the doctor but after spending the day lost in the Seroquel fog my brain taking off at full speed is a rather joyous occasion. Anyway I have an appointment early next week so I might as well get this month's report ready. I wrote up last month but never gave it to him as he pissed me off the month before so I decided I was not going to cooperate and shot myself in the foot at the same time ....

Medication -
Morning (roughly 12pm)- 100mg of Seroquel
Afternoon (4pm) - 50mg of Seroquel - this is suppose to be as needed and apparently I need it everyday at 4pm
Supper/Dinner (call it what you want)somewhere between 6pm and 7pm - 100mg of Seroquel
Bedtime (normally I take it around 11:00pm unless something is good on TV) 100mg of Seroquel + 30mg of Temazaepam. It takes roughly an hour and a half to kick in.

Weight -
I think it is lower then it was a month ago but I don't have a working scale but I did have to add a new hole to the belt in the last week or so

Exercise -
Normally three or four times a week for about thirty to forty minutes a session. Have not gone longer then two days without exercising for the month of June so that is a good thing.

Moods -
All over the bloody map. When the depression shows up I am basically getting my ass kicked and there is no nicer way to put it. Seems to be following a weird pattern of about four days of darkness and then one good day of sunshine so I can remember what I am suppose to feel like and then a slide back down for another four days or so. More then a few times this month I longed for the wonderful effects of Effexor or one of his/her/? buddies.

Thought Patterns -
A) Paranoia - For no reason whatsoever I keep getting this feeling that everyone is watching or spying on me which leads to me not leaving the house some days. *On a side note I get it with this blog that there is a huge conspiracy in the works to shut me down or to rip down the blinds so my true identity is known. Irrational thought? You bet it is but a pain in the ass all the same. This is a side note for the doctor to my knowledge does not know this blog exists so this little blurb and anything else related to this site will not be in the written report*
B) Self Destructive - Nothing new here just the same impulses to make a bad situation even worse.
C) The lower I feel the stronger and longer lasting the irrational thoughts are but again no surprise
D) Suicidal thoughts are still present, no better no worse then the last few months

Self Harm -
I am incident free but the temptations and urges are still not decreasing as fast as I hope they would. Dreamed about it a couple of weeks ago and woke up with scratches all over my forearms. The dream was about getting all of the bad out of me so that I would be good or something along those lines

Sleep -
I average over ten hours a night. Tried to get under a better routine so I set the alarm and slept for eight hours or so for two nights in a row which led to a rather unpleasant couple of days. Body responded by sleeping for over twelve hours the few days that followed.

Overall -
To be completely honest it is getting to be difficult to tell one month apart from the next. Nothing seems to change and for the most part June was a carbon copy of May. Have been really trying to focus more on the long term but for whatever the reason it is just not happening as all of my attention seems to be on today and I will deal with tomorrow when it gets here.

Well there is June's rough report and this type of thing my doctor does appreciate as apparently I am not a very good talker and on top of that when the wrong mood or thought strikes all you will get out of me is name, rank and serial number. Take care.

Free Writing June 25

I woke up this morning and I wanted to go back to bed. The sun is shining and there is very few clouds in the sky yet my world seems so dark. I scour through my thought processes looking for a reason for this shift in mood and perception yet I came up with nothing. Could it be that my depression is more of a chemical issue then one of poorly developed coping mechanisms and emotional skills? Effexor, Paxil, Remeron, Wellbutrin, Nardil and Celexa have all taken a shot at figuring out the chemistry of my brain with no success at least not long term success. I could sit here for hours coming up with a million and one different reasons what is at the soul of the monster yet the one which would ring the truest is some days I control my illness and some days it controls me.

(Free writing is basically an exercise that I use to clear my brain, a literary punching bag if you will. All I know is after the exercise is completed I normally start to feel better)

The Making Of A Mental Health Professional

I was thinking of all the common characteristics that make up a good mental health worker in my opinion and came up with the following list:

1. Real Life Experience - No book has ever been written that can truly cover what it is like to be at your absolute bottom, to fight for your own life, to understand the emotional turmoil that shows up when the people who are suppose to love you turn around and stab you in the back. There is good reasons why a high number of drug and alcohol counselors are recovered addicts.

2. The Ability To Empathize - Basically to have a heart. If you are unable to feel what the client is expressing then you have no business being in this field. I am not a book or a diagnosis but a person who would love to be cured but even more important I need you to understand where I am coming from and what I am feeling.

3. The Ability To Think Outside Of The Box - Not everyone with depression or any other disorder is going to respond to the same treatment. This field is not like an office where every time problem A shows up the person uses solution A to fix it. The worker needs to see the situation from every possible angle to come up with the best course of action. The DSM is a book of guidelines regarding a diagnosis not a set of instructions.

4. Nonjudgmental - During on of the first classes I took in college the teacher asked who in the room would not treat sex offenders and child molesters. When a couple of people raised their hands the professor responded "Then you should not be in this field for every single person who has a mental or behavioral problem deserves to be treated and seen as a fellow human being who deserves help". The ability to see the person behind the illness is essential for if all you see is the problem then nothing will be accomplished.

5. Consistent - A major problem with mental illness is it tends to be chaotic with everything in the persons life in a constant state of change. The worker needs to be a rock instead of another piece in the clients life that is unpredictable.

Well I believe that the above criteria are essential to anyone in the mental health field. Any others? Take care.

The Big(ger) Picture

One of the quirks of my brain is that I get completely focus on one area and tend not to see what surrounds it. If I am in a situation where there is one negative part and a hundred positive parts then my focus is on the negative for it jeopardizes my belief of safety and since the beginning that has been the name of the game, to keep myself safe. I did not choose to develop my "alter ego" because I was bored but for basic reasons of survival for the real me was not doing very well so this new "model" did what everyone expected him to do so people would let me be. Of course if I knew at three or four where this path would lead maybe I would have taken a different route but then again my focus then as it still is to day on keeping myself safe so chances are I would still have done the same thing.

The difference now is what I considered a threat as a child is completely different then what I worry about as an adult. As a child I was surrounded by adults who were anything but predictable so the enviroment tended to be on the volatile side so most the fears tended to be more of the physical variety. Now as an adult I know how the game works and I know what I need to do to make my life as uncomplicated as possible but this also brings up that inner persona of mine that refuses to let things be. At work if I did not like how another staff member was approaching the clients it did not take me long to tell them and now that I am on the other side of the wall I keep seeing the same mistakes, the same group of people who are constantly mistreated and basically tossed to the side so I decided to speak up once again through this blog. For a long time I thought I was doing the right thing and I felt it was serving a purpose but every once in a while reality would show her ugly face leaving me in a place where I felt naked and vulnerable. This last reality check came when I was looking at the stats of this blog and the high number of people who have stopped by to take a look and I started to wonder what would happen if my doctor, a nurse, a therapist or any other mental professional that I have dealt with the past or will deal with in the future see this blog. Would they see that I am trying to increase awareness or would they take it like a personal attack? What would happen if my brain decides to jump off the deep end again and I really need there help to get back to the surface would they hold this blog against me? Now I know this sounds irrational but I have dealt with enough bad "mental professionals" to know that some of them have very fragile egos and hold grudges that you would not believe. The right mental health professional may be the key to recovery but the wrong one can send you into a world of hurt in a heartbeat.

I received a number of emails and comments today by people reminding me about the big picture which is this blog is making a difference. They reminded me of my original intent which was to increase the awareness regarding mental illness in the hopes that it will help someone in need or maybe change the viewpoint of someone on the outside looking in which will in turn make someone else's life a little bit easier. This blog is not about me and it never has been I have just been using my life to get my point across a little bit easier.

The decision that I have made is to continue to write this blog but I am going to try to distance myself at the same time. Today I went through some two hundred plus posts and did some editing plus a number of posts ended up in the recycling bin. Basically the posts and areas that remove all mystery in who I am to the local therapeutic community are gone. Part of me knows that with the diagnosis that I carry it is not difficult to match me up but I feel if I can create a little about of doubt then that is enough for me and justifies my safety concerns. Quirks, I have a lot of bloody quirks.

To those of you who have showed so much support towards me over the last couple of days and over the course of this blog I am incredibly grateful and any time I can be assistance just let me know and I will do my best to help. For me one of the best parts of the blogging process is the knowledge that I am not alone and that are many others in similar situations who are going through the same thing and from this I draw strength and the desire to keep fighting for that next square inch of sanity. Thank you and take care.

A Detour In The Road

A characteristic that seems to be common with those with Borderline Personality Disorder is they can go on and on about their life with little to no emotion. This is not because we do not process emotions in the normal way but they are not talking about themselves but someone else. There is me and then there is what everyone else sees the so called front man of the show. The problem is when after you let all of this information out about some of your deepest darkest periods is that your brain finally makes the connection that it is not two separate people but just one person and then you have to deal with the ramifications of it.

This blog was meant to hopefully help others see what it is like living with mental illness and what I have done to basically get through the days. I felt the best way to do this is to use my own life to draw examples from and I do believe it goes a long way to show the true picture of the power that mental illness has but the problem right now is I feel rather exposed. For a long time I was statistic crazy always trying new methods to push up the view count but a reality hit home the other day which is 85,000 plus people know my secrets. Now I have been pretty careful on only showing one side to my life and I do so for my protection plus the point of this blog was never about me but to get people to see mental illness for what it is hoping it will bring some understanding and lift the stigma that surrounds it.

I am going to take the next few days off and decide what I want to do with this blog. So far the options are the following:
A) Any post that hits too close to home I am going to either rewrite it using a fictional character or delete it completely
B) Figure out the direction I want this blog to take next whether it be a purely informational site or keep it going in the same direction it is now but be more aware of my boundaries.
C) Make this little corner of the web disappear completely.

I don't want to jump to a conclusion that I am going to regret later on so I have given myself to Thursday to make a decision. Whatever I do decide I want to thank each and every one of you who has supported me in the last six months and I hope I was able to help in your own battles and journey in some capacity. Take care.

Weird Mental Tricks

Every once in a while an idea will come through my head that makes so much sense that it takes forever to get rid of it. About a year ago I was thinking what I should do in terms of a future career as I am not sure I can ever go back to Social Work or at least not in the same capacity that I once did. Anyway this idea came out of nowhere that my new purpose in life was to write basically a modern day bible or at least something similar. This delusion went on for a long time and it somehow reached a point where I was having mock interviews in my head and I think Oprah called this new project of mine the ultimate guideline to a happy life or something close to it. Within a week I was all ready and set to start this project then bang it was gone.

Paranoia is a royal pain in the ass and it is one of the worst parts of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have sat alone in my home with every window and door locked then somehow convinced myself that there was an intruder in the house so I grabbed a golf club and searched every single nook and cranny until my mind finally realized that there was no one else there. The other side to paranoia is I seem to have a problem with people who are nice to me for instantly my brain is trying to calculate the angles and figure out what they want for someone being nice to be just for the sake of trying to help does not make a whole heck of a lot of sense to me. Part of this is paranoia and the rest relates to life experiences that goes back to the ole saying "Nothing is free".

I use to have what I called a safe list and if you were on it then chances are if a problem arose that I could not handle then I would turn to you for help well this was the theory but in reality it did not work this way. My life seems like an open book on this blog and in a lot of ways it is but at the same time I am pretty careful not to cross that invisible line that leads to too much information for the paranoia spectrum in my brain is positive it will be used against me. Anyway back to the safe list that really did not exist for the only person I have ever trusted enough to tell them everything is my ex wife and Lord knows I screwed that one up. The borderline part of my brain sticks to the reason that I got sick and she left but the other part of my brain that is more tied into reality knows that when the depression hit hard I needed to simplify my world as much of possible which led to a created situation that basically forced her hand into leaving. We have a child together and I realized about a year after she left that it was important that we have a good relationship for we are permanently tied because of our son. It is finally getting back to a good level and I am going to do my damnedest to keep it that way. There is a million things she could have done to make my life difficult but instead she took the higher ground and helped whenever she could which is weird to me for most people that i have pushed out of my life have never come back and in some cases have never forgiven me for it

This post was a neat trick to write for I am still waiting for my Seroquel to kick in and my brain is going a million miles per hour with thoughts coming in from all angles. Chances are this is going to be a post I will regret tomorrow but maybe it will give a more clearer picture of what that lovely little antipsychotic is suppose to prevent. I ate one piece of licorice today and the sugar content was rather high in it and instantaneously felt sick to my stomach so that is not a good sign which I will get the mental doc to order some blood tests before this turns into an anxiety nightmare from hell. Anyway back to the apology and that is my brain is just not cooperating and I need to go to sleep but until the thoughts slow right the heck down that is not going to be possible so I am hoping by putting everything down on here that it will help a bit.

Oh the exercise routine took a drastic switch when my body realized it is not nineteen anymore so now I have a whole body workout three times a week and so far so good. I don't believe in scales and I rather use how my clothes fit plus look for muscle definition as a judging criteria. Had to pick up a smaller belt so I guess that means I am moving in the right direction now just need to figure out how to get around the odd eating hours as at the moment it is all over the place.

Well that is it for now and maybe tomorrow I can compose something that is a lot less jumpy and makes sense. Take care.

It Stays With You

I went in to Social Work in my late twenties for a number of reasons: (A) I have always been a "helper" so it seemed like a logical choice (B) I wanted to figure out and gain control of the garbage in my head (C) I wanted my father to be proud of me.

During my early twenties I decided that I wanted a positive relationship with my father for it takes a lot of energy to constantly hate someone. It took sometime but eventually it grew to a point where my father became my dad and later on my best friend. The only area that was left I thought was for him to say that he was proud of me which in my warped perspective would eliminate all of the emotional damage that was caused during my childhood. Memories and flashbacks that announced to the world that I was worthless, dumb as a stump and would never accomplished anything were still running through my head taking chunks out of soul. So I figured if I went back to college and graduated with high marks he would take back all of what he had said to me earlier in my life.

The first year of college I took twelve courses and in eleven of them finished with a final grade of over ninety five percent with the last class being english were the mark was seventy nine percent as apparently my grammar skills sucked which is pretty evident through out this blog. Anyway my mom was saying over and over again on how proud she was that I was doing so well but my dad never said a word. The next year of schooling started up and my plan was the same to finish as high as I could so my father would say those words I needed him to say. Again all of my classes were finished with marks in the high nineties but again no word from my father.

During the last semester of college the first month was all sorts of small classes designed to get the student ready for the final placement. I soared through this period until the last week when a phone call would change my life. My mom called saying my dad was in the hospital and just diagnosed with terminal cancer and he had under six months to live. I made arrangements with my teachers then drove the hour and a half home to see my father in the hospital. My mom wanted to wait til my sister arrived then we would all go in together to tell my father that he was dying. The next day which was a Friday the three of us went in with the doctor to give my father the news which he responded to with anger and disbelief.

On the Saturday I spent time with my father where we basically talked about nothing at all and he was making comments that he would prove the doctors wrong and beat this cancer. The next day I went back in to see him and then needed to make my way back to school to finish the last week before placement. The drive back to my college town I was trying to figure out how I could complete the placement while at the same time be able to travel back to my hometown as much as possible to spend more time with my father.

My girlfriend and I were in the shower when I felt my heart break and immediately started to sob uncontrollably for what seemed like a long time. A minute after I stepped out of the shower the phone rang and it was my mom on the other end who said that my father had passed away ten minutes earlier.

The first person I called was my aunt and uncle for my uncle is a college professor in a different city so I wanted advice on what I was suppose to do about school. A few weeks after this call I looked back and realized that I was doing what I have always done which is push the bad stuff to the side of the road then barrel through it. Anyway the program coordinator of my course said to not worry about the few classes I would miss as they were basically nonessential and to go home to do what I had to do.

My fathers funeral was on a Saturday and then three days later I started my final placement. I through myself into this last part of my education finishing with a mark of 104 out of 105 which is apparently the highest mark in both my courses history and that of the placement. About a month later was graduation and when I received the official paper announcing this I realized that I did not want any part of it for the person I really wanted to be there wouldn't be so I called up my new boss and specifically asked to work that day.

For a long time afterwards I would not even look at my diploma or final transcript for it meant nothing to me. My girlfriend who had become my wife a few months after school finished tried to get me to at least recognize what I accomplished in school and eventually I did. I graduated with a 3.996 grade point average and if it was done on percentages it worked out to a 97 but to me I still wanted to hear my father say that he was proud of me and take back what he had said in the decades that preceded it.

When I first became ill this was one of the situations that I looked at and finally came to the realization that the goal was never for my father to say what I wanted him to say but it was a way for me to finally be able to fight those words that haunted me for so very long. I was not trying to make my father proud but I was trying to prove him wrong.

People talk about all of the damage that physical abuse does but I will tell you this I would rather get beat with a baseball bat then endure the pain that comes with mental abuse. With a physical beating it is just a matter of time before the wounds heal but with mental and emotional abuse it stays with you long after the attack finally ended. Take care.

The No No List Regarding Treatment Of The Mentally Unwell

First day of the exercise program is in the books and my legs are currently on fire. Anyway it is another busy house day with people wanting to come and view plus I have to make everything spic and span so I need to get at it. One of my favorite posts from the past:

What Not To Do When Dealing With Someone Who Is Mentally Unwell


1. Baby us - I understand that I am sick and you are trying to help but by treating me like an infant reinforces my own thoughts that I am basically useless

2. Speak louder then normal - I have severe depression, post traumatic stress disorder, borderline personality disorder and generalized anxiety disorder none of which effect my hearing or will get your advice/suggestion/support through quicker

3. Speak to me slower then normal - Again I have multiple of disorders that at time distorts my thinking or perception but none of which affected my intelligence level. Treat me like an idiot and I will make you look stupid.

4. Treat me like I am going to break - A wrong comment or a slight slip is not going to send me running for the deep end. Trust me the garbage I tell myself is a hundred times worse then anything you can say.

5. Use cliches - Telling me to pull up my boots and charge forward or to just focus on the positive reinforces the idea that I need to surround myself with smarter people who understand the difference between a case of the blues and severe depression. If it was that easy do you really think I would still be in the same position.

6. Forget who you are talking too - The person that you remember from five years ago is the same one standing in front of you. When the diagnosis was dropped on me with borderline personality disorder the only thing that changed is now I am fortunate enough to carry a suitcase full of stigma with me. Hate to break it to you but I have always been borderline and the only difference is the way you now look at me.

7. Leave me alone - When a person enters the dark world of depression the first thing they do is isolate themselves to simplify their own world. By giving me space to figure out things on my own reinforces the negative thoughts in my head saying I am alone fighting a battle that I am positive that I will lose. A simple phone call reminds me that there are reasons to keep fighting and that when I need it someone is there.

8. Focus on the disorders - The best part of dealing with other people means I can allow my attention to go elsewhere for a while and not the battle in my head. The story of your child's trip to the library is as helpful to my recovery as any med.

9. Ignore the warning signs - If I am doing something that appears to be negative and on a path that leads to nothing good then be my friend and speak up. I spend so much time in a bad head space that at times I do not realize the danger that I am in as it all seems normal to me.

10. Believe the stigma - According to the borderline stigma I have no heart and I am incapable of appreciating the needs of another human being as I only care what effects me. If this is so then can you explain to me the reason behind this blog where I am literally exposing my soul in order to make life a little bit easier for someone else. I am not an exception to the rule when it comes to borderline but the portrait the stigma portrays is the exception. Always look for the human being and then the disorders not the other way around. Remember mental illness effects one out of five people so tomorrow someone you love could be in my shoes and how would you like people to treat them?

Well there is my top ten and I am sure if my brain was working I could add to it. hope you enjoyed it and take care.

Rational Versus Irrational

I struggle with irrational thoughts, well to be more precise I struggle with the fallout of irrational thoughts. There are days like yesterday where absolutely everything that comes to make mind makes sense and then time passes which provides me with the opportunity to look back and realize what I said or did makes no sense at all.

On the "right" day there is pretty much nothing that I am unable to justify and the best example of this is self harm. On a thousand different occasions my mind believed that causing damage and pain to my body would make me feel better about myself. That once enough blood has spilled from my veins that my problems and inner turmoil would just be carried out with it. Then something would happen following these situations when that little light bulb in my head clicks on and I actually see the damage that I have caused to my body and I am no longer able to justify this action at least til the next time where the thoughts switch from look at the damage to another scar is really not going to make a difference plus I always feel better afterwards. I have been in lengthy heated arguments with all sorts of mental health professionals on the benefits of self harm and how when I am in a cutting period I am much more healthy and stable then I wonder why no one seems to take my problems seriously.

I use to think if I stopped and really thought of everything that I wanted to say before I said it then the chances of it being irrational would be slim to none but this is not the case for some days the justification used to make the thoughts seem rational are just as irrational as the thought itself.

Part of me really wants to go back into this blog archives and destroy any post where I know was created from an irrational point but I don't for I feel the best way for someone to understand mental illness is to see the complete picture. Every single post at the time of creation I would completely stand behind 100% it is just when I stop to look back I realize that my mental illness was at play and I have a long way to go in terms of recovery. Take care.

The Big Question

The question that I seem to run across more often then not is what is the antidepressant for me. First off I am not a doctor nor do I play one on television but even if I were I could not answer this question with any fair amount of certainty. The problem is the way one medication works on me there is a really good chance it is not going to work the same on you. Your body chemistry and mine are two different stories so the effects more then likely are going to be different. Welcome to the wonderful world of drug experimentation: Take pill A for four to six weeks, manage the side effects that come with every drug and at the end of this period chances are two things will happen (1) The dosage will be increased (2) Another med will be tried. With either option another waiting period will happen unless you are one of the lucky few who have won the medication lottery.

The problem there is no test that can accurately measure the amount of chemicals in the brain for that would just be too easy. Yep you are lacking chemical A so you need this med that will increase the level and your on the way to recovery (no medication does not cure depression but it will get your ass out of bed and on to the therapists couch where the real work is done). So why is there no regular used test that can make the battle against depression so much easier? The simple answer is money and like Chris Rock once said "There is no money in the cure"

Drug corporations make a lot of money as in billions every quarter. From a pure business standpoint coming up with a miracle med that will cure mental illness makes as much sense as Ford creating a car that will last forever. Every year billions of dollars are spent by governments to help those in need due to a mental illness yet nothing is really done in terms of research that may lead to lower costs in the future.

Way back in the 1960's state mental hospitals were being shut down at a rapid pace not due to some miracle cure but by the introduction of an antipsychotic medication. The government came to a realization that feeding this group of people pills each day was a hell of a lot cheaper then caring for them 24/7. While this decision makes sense on paper when your just staring at expenses on the other side of the coin is what happens to these people when that med stops working or their condition worsens. With the small number of available beds a good percentage of these people are basically tossed to the side. They become homeless and commit some crime in order to take care of their necessities of life. Now they go in front of a judge whose option use to be to put them in a hospital where they would get the proper care which would lead them to a nice tax paying system but now with all of these hospitals no longer in circulation the only choice left is the correction system. The prison systems is not known for turning out healthy, happy people so the turnstile at the front door continues to spin at an alarming rate.

Sorry for that tangent. Back to medication. My advice for any one considering medication is to do the following (A) Seek out therapy (B) Make positive lifestyle changes (C) Try out available over the counter remedies. When all of this does not bring up the desired result then do your research and talk to your doctors about prescription mental meds. As to which med to pick? Write down the few most promising meds, put them into a hat, close your eyes and pick one (this may sound a little on the extreme side but it is scary how close it is to reality). Take care.

May's Mental Health Report

Those that have followed this blog for a while know that before my monthly meeting with the mental health doc I try to break down my mental status for the month and just hand over the written work at the onset of the appointment. This way everything I feel should be covered does, it is a strong indicator of where I am at and I don't have to worry about going off on an emotional tirade if he says anything stupid. So here is the report for May.

Weight - No change

Medication Schedule -
11:00am - 100mg Seroquel
4:00pm - 50mg Seroquel
6:00pm - 100mg Seroquel
11:00pm - 100mg Seroquel and 30mg Temazepam
- no issues regarding medication and this schedule seems to work for the most part

Sleep - All over the map for the last month. Some nights it takes hours to fall asleep then awake off and on all night. Other nights I fall asleep rather quickly then stay asleep for ten to twelve hours.

Suicidal ideation - no change

Self Harm - no incidents in the last month but urges are starting to increase

Exercise - Has not been a good month due to my normal schedule being tossed to the wind because of the renovations of the home and getting it onto the marketplace. Energy level being reduced does not help either.

Energy level - All over the place. Periods throughout the day where I can not sit still to the complete opposite where it is a struggle just to get moving

Mood - Every day seems to be its own adventure. Periods where I am feeling really good are followed by periods of trying to climb out of the black hole. Very little stability going on.

Outside Factors - (A) Routine is very difficult to maintain due to constant interruption of people wanting to see the home (B) The help that was promised to find a new place to live seems to have disappeared (C) Family issues are still at play

Overall - The new outside stresses are beginning to take their toll but due to the situation not much can be do to change it. This month has been fairly typical compared to most with no major changes either positive or negative. Self harm issues are a concern but they still feel like it is in check. Trying to think long term is near impossible at the moment as the focus is still getting through the day.

Well there you have it this months mental status report. Now I need to go find something to eat easily as half my face is still frozen. Take care.

This Week Is Going To Suck

I am rather detailed oriented where I like to have everything planned and laid out well in advance. By being able to do so I can prepare mentally for whatever happens to be written down on the calender. For example I have a dentist appointment on Thursday morning and even though the staff of the dental office are really nice people I know that the time I wake up is going to have to be modified a bit to make sure that the Seroquel has a chance to work before the appointment begins. On Friday is the monthly appointment with my doctor so I know the days leading up to it a slow burning anger is going to begin to build as everything that seems to be wrong with the mental health system in this country this guy seems to personify. The answer to this is to write out absolutely everything in advance of the appointment to make sure that everything I want to be covered is regardless of the emotional state that I happen to be in that day. Through out the past I always seem to go into these appointments with a rage basically on hold just waiting for him to say the wrong thing but what normally happens is my anxiety rate is through the roof so the focus changes from attack to getting the hell out of his office as quickly as I can.

The problem this week and more then likely the coming weeks is the house that I am currently living in is being put on the market so the real estate agent is just going to call out of the blue to set up appointments so complete strangers can wander through my little sanctuary. Sometimes I have a day or so to prepare but in other cases it is only a matter of hours. This lovely little process started on the Friday just passed and lets just say it is a good thing that I have that as needed dose of Seroquel on hand. Not overly crazy that the dose is now up to 350mg most days but at the same time I realize that the med is doing what it is suppose to do which is basically keep me out of trouble. Of course that brings up my other concern which is most of the strides I have made towards recovery have more to do with chemical assistance then anything else. Take away my meds right now and it would be a countdown to an explosion that is guaranteed to leave a mark.

Been dreaming of self harm a lot lately which is not a good thing and I need to figure out quickly where it is coming from before I end up back on that slippery slope. It is one thing to tell your doctor that you briefly loss control over this demon but it is another trying to explain the scratches that cover your body were inflicted while you were asleep.

Yep no doubt about it this week is going to suck. Take care.

Self Destructive

There have been moments in my life after I had hit the wall that leave me wondering why I did not steer to the left or the right instead of stomping the gas petal headed straight toward that cement wall. Of all the complaining I tend to do against doctors, nurses, therapists and other mental health professionals the person most responsible for my recovery is me the problem some days is I should be the last person trusted with this responsibility.

My brain does weird things that invite chaos into my life and when days are going good with the sun way up in the air I find a way to invite a storm into the picture. Strange thoughts such as remembering a fond childhood memory and instead of basking in the warmth my brain switches over to memories I have spent the last few decades trying to forget. Stupid inner voice will take a wonderful memory then provide a running commentary which will set off a flashback that will have me reeling for example: My father took my sister and I sledding which is one of my favorite memories from when I was a child and I remember the laughter and the joy we all shared for those few hours but that voice will pop up "You sure had a great time with your dad that day do you remember a few days after when your mother stepped in to make sure that he did not kill you for forgetting to put the milk away?" so now I have gone from a nice fuzzy state to a place I really have spent to much time in.

I spend to much time in my head which is something that I have been trying to work on but have not had too much luck. I know the more I focus on the negative the harder my battle is going to be but when your mentally unwell it seems every single aspect of your life goes back to it in some way. When the doctor says to not think of my illness or any other negative part of my life he might as well say go sit in a corner for ten minutes and not think about Polar Bears.

There is part of me that prefers chaos to what can be considered normal probably due to the fact my normal is chaos. This is where I have spent the most time and I know what to do to get through it for the most part. If I woke up tomorrow and my world was absolutely perfect with no negative thoughts or behaviors running through my head chances are it would drive me crazy for I would have no idea what to do.

Now when I see that cement wall coming up in the distance there is part of me that jumps into action coming up with all sorts of ways to avoid the approaching disaster but the self destructive side is a bit curious on how much it is going to hurt and if I am going to be able to walk away afterwards. Yep another area that needs to be fixed. Take care.

The Power Of Music

Back when I was still working I use to supervise the variety of college students who would come in on placements. These students were taking Child and Youth Worker or Social Service Worker and the odd ball from Corrections. One of the first questions that I would ask is what type of music they listened too. Most of the students were pretty young and tended to listen to music that was current for the time but when I cam across someone older their musical tastes would be a little bit seasoned so I would recommend that they should start paying attention to music that is more relevant
to the times as it is a great way to start a relationship with one of the many boys in the home.

When it comes to rap music there is definitely a group that loves it and another group that can't stand it but when you are working with teens chances are it is their favorite style of music. Now I don't believe you need to be an expert on every single rap artist out there but it has come in handy to having a working knowledge on at least a few. My taste for rap music is pretty specific as I like older artist such as Tupac, Eminem, DMX and similar musicians. Say what you want about rap but the lyrics are full of information that can be swung into teaching the youth lessons about life.

A few years ago Eminem was still the big one out there and yes his music tends to be more on the controversial side he also is a prime example of the false self and the real self. Eminem or Slim Shady is the false self and tends to be what most of these youth almost strive to be like in certain ways but when you remind them about Marshall Mathers the real self who has struggled to get to his dreams, is a responsible parent on most levels and even though he is now surrounded by success his world is far from being perfect. Most teenagers are stuck in the battle of trying to be what their peers expect and who they really are so the difference between Eminem and Marshall Mathers is almost comforting knowledge to them as they are not alone in their struggle.

I had a young man in my care who before every quiet time would ask me in front of his peers to talk to him at quiet time (homework hour) about a certain rap song and artist. So when I had the chance to go up to his room right off the bat he would ask about a certain part about Tupac's life and with my assistance compared it against his own. The other part to this is he could not say something was troubling in front of his peers so he used the music excuse to get me to his room where after a thirty second musical conversation he would then talk about what his problems were at the time.

One of the most difficult about social work is establishing the relationship for the person just sees you as a worker and not a human being. On more then one occasion I was able to break the ice just by bringing up music. When the youth realized that we shared a common interest it allowed him to drop his guard so to speak where he became more open and in a lot of ways seem to feel safer.

A lot of parents make the mistake of ruling their child's music taste off as garbage without trying to understand why they prefer this music. The reasons can vary from it is what their friends like so they are trying to fit in or there is something that the artist is saying that they can relate to. My father hated my taste in music especially when I was into (and still am) Seattle grunge. He complained that it was just a bunch of noisy instruments and people pretending to sing by screaming but what he did not get is when Layne Staley of Alice In Chains was singing about being stuck in the black hole of drug addiction to me he was relaying the way I felt about the trap that I was in when it came to depression that I did not have the ability nor felt safe enough to discuss with my parents. The question should not have been "Why do I listen to this garbage?" but "What makes this music so important to me".

Every once in a while a youth would show up with a song that I could not get my head around for whatever the reason so I would ask the child to copy out the lyrics for me so I would be able to better understand. The funny thing about music is once you get down to the lyrics most of it is pretty much the same. Take care.