Dentist = Anxiety

A little over a month ago I made the decision to stop taking the antidepressant Nardil for the reason being I needed dental work done. Nardil is an MAOI which is a powerful med but it is also picky ........ very picky. Along with the benefits of this wonderful med you get to follow a fairly strict diet where basically everything has to be fresh or your asking for trouble. The diet was not too bad after the wonderful people over at crazyboards explained the in and outs of it until it actually made sense. The other side to Nardil is it does not get along with other drugs you know the little ones like pain killers, flu medicines and a variety of mental health drugs. So what happens when you combine Nardil with the wrong food or drug? Good question! Your blood pressure may spike and in some cases causing strokes and possibly death. Needless to say a lot of people do not go near this antidepressant class.

Anyway back to the story. A month ago my teeth hurt and I knew a lot of work was on the horizon. So I made an appointment with a new dentist who advertised cutting edge technology and pain free dentistry. Went for the initial meeting and they were not happy with the Nardil interactions so I left the dental office and a moment later decided that Nardil needed to go and I have not taken it since. I called my mental doc and told the secretary to pass on a message that I had stopped this med. Went out for a while and when I returned home there was a message waiting from the doctor to call them immediately. I returned their call and was told to immediately come in for an appointment. So I went there and told the doctor the situation and he just nodded his head. Then I asked him about any withdrawal problems associated with this drug to which he replied you may feel a little ill for a couple of days. Two weeks later I was still fighting the withdrawal process when I went back in for another appointment to which he tried to act surprise that my brain was pissed that the antidepressant was gone so he reacted by increasing my Seroquel and that we would readdress the antidepressant issue after the dental work was completed.

Well I went through the basic checkup at the dentist a couple of weeks ago where the plan was created to do the real work early March as this way the Nardil was completely out of my system and no longer an issue. Today is the day. A month of sore teeth, Nardil withdrawal that seemed to go on forever and the day that I have been waiting for is finally here except for one little problem an anxiety rate that has been climbing since the moment I woke up.

The main problem is I do not like people touching me and I am really not that crazy when it involves pain or at least potential pain. Someone out there is thinking you have a twenty year self harm history so I would think pain is not an issue. See when I am in the process of self harm I control when it starts and more importantly when it stops that and three quarters of the time I don't feel it anyway. Back to the story. I am putting my plan into motion that I am hoping will get me through the appointment.

1. Delaying my Seroquel dosage till right before the appointment which is a good plan except for right now my brain is racing and making mountains out of mole hills. Plus it seems to be showing through on this post as my typing is struggling to keep up with the racing thoughts.

2. Getting my other reality story ready for when I am in the dentist chair. Remember those stories you created when your a kid about living as someone else. Well I still do it to distract my brain from other areas. I told my doctor once about this imaginary world and he told me to write a book. Complete biography of a person who does not exist including interviews with magazines and other media outlets because he happens to be famous. Not really sure whether or not this is healthy but I figure as long as I remember that I am me and not the fantasy character I really do not see the harm plus it tends to keep my anxiety level down. How that for justifying.

3. Trying to focus on the positive which is a little bit of pain will hopefully mean that the day in and day out pain will finally disappear. This one is not going so well.

Ready for a completely irrational thought. When I was three or so I went to the dentist for the first time. This nice man stuck his finger in my mouth and I bit down as hard as I could. So now I have this "thought" that this story has followed me around since, jumping from dentist to dentist, province to province and every dental professional is out to get revenge for their colleague. Just a little bit irrational but what can you do.

Two hours to the appointment so I better get to work.

I Should Have Stayed In Bed

From the moment I woke up this morning I pretty much knew my day was going to be of the sucky variety. Got dressed and went to the bathroom where I stared at the mirror for awhile taking notice that the usual spark in my eyes was no where to be seen which is a pretty good indicator that I would have to bare down and fight to get through this particular day. On days like these a lot of time I just hide in my basement and figure out a way for the depression monster to go away for awhile but I needed to fill my prescription so I had no choice but to head out the door.

I was driving to the pharmacy and it had been snowing for quite some time so the roads were a bit slick. The old lady behind me was way to close for my liking so I tapped my brakes a few times which she ignored so I slowed right the heck down as its just one of those days. My patience is shot when the depression flares as all of my energy is focused to make sure I keep some level of control and stability which is why I tend to stay home when it happens as every day society tends to get on my nerves very quickly. I gave my prescription script to the lady and reminded her that I was no longer on Nardil so to ignore that part. So I had to kill ten minutes so I wandered around the large grocery store staring at the ground as I know the look in my eyes was a long way from friendly. I was looking at supplements and vitamins trying to remember what I read online and curious if I was even allowed to take them as technically the Nardil is still in my system and my brain just didn't want to work and my memory which is normally strong as hell was drawing blanks. I went back to the pharmacist section where my order was ready but like usual there was a catch. They could only provide me with twenty one Seroquel pills and I had to return next Tuesday afternoon to pick up the rest of my prescription. I left the store then my brain clicked on and I had to do the math regarding the pills, I take nine Seroquel a day so there was enough in the med container for two days plus a single dose. Thankfully I had some left at home and I have enough to get me to next Tuesday but the part of me that was bothered was the Pharmacist never enquired if I had any at home or not. If tomorrow morning I woke up and realized that all of my Seroquel were gone I would be in very deep trouble quickly as it is the only reason my brain runs at a good speed which has helped keep me on track and has kept the self harm monster at bay but like normal this is my problem and not the pharmacist. Part of me thinks she believes I take it as needed and ignored the part of the prescription form that states they owe me 248 pills. Whatever I have enough to last so I guess thats where my focus should be.

I came back home and I have tried to stay busy. I have responded to a number of posts on different health forums across the web, cleaned the darn house and did whatever else I could to keep my mind off the fact the depression monster is standing behind me and will kick my ass if I stumble. I should have stayed in bed.

What Your Doctors Fail To Mention About Antidepressants

A week ago I went to my dentist and they were unable to treat me do to the antidepressant I was on at the time Nardil. So I took my dental health into consideration and I put it against my mental health then decided which was more important and the physical pain won. I took myself off of Nardil and called my doctors office to let them know. The next day I was called into his office and pretty much received his blessing and a small lecture on stopping my meds on my own.

For the last week I have had a headache and at times I must have given the impression that I was manic, out of control running on impulse, to be completely honest at times I was. All of this is connected to the fact that my brain no longer had the assistance of Nardil. When you are talking to doctors about antidepressants they basically sell it like they are trying to convince you to buy a Lexus so everything is positive and inflated. When the patient asks about side effects they play it right down with the old "Oh don't worry they only last for a few days then disappear plus the positives outweigh the negatives" and as a patient you believe them until you start to do your homework and reveal the piece that the doctors never seem to talk about. A lot of antidepressants have discontinuation syndrome when you stop taking them which in english means your brain is going through withdrawal and oh is it not happy about it. The side effects range from headaches to feeling ill to sudden mood switches to brain zaps and many more. Brain zaps catch people right off guard as everything could be going smoothly then your brain basically feels like it blinks, this does not hurt but it is annoying as hell for it comes out of nowhere with no warning. The range of severity for the symptoms have a couple of factors: A) Which drug you are on. B) How slowly your taper process was while stopping if any. The two kings of discontinuation syndrome are Paxil and Effexor that has people comparing it to coming off of heroin and is so bad that both companies are being sued because of it and for not properly warning the patients before they started the med. Some people suffer more then others when it comes to the withdrawal process and I know more then a few people who were still suffering months after they came off of the drug. The taper process differs from person to person and from med to med depending on how fast their brain can adapt to a lower dose. For some the process may take a few weeks where others it requires months it really varies from situation to situation but the best advice is the slower the better. At one time there were Paxil and Effexor taper programs all across the web but now people are charging others for access to it, go to healthboards or crazyboards and someone there will help you through it free of charge.

So why do people still turn to these meds especially Paxil and Effexor? Normally they are unaware of the process in coming off of the meds and the other reason is when you are in the middle of hell you do not think long term just on the immediate situation and both Paxil and Effexor are two of the strongest meds out there plus they are prescribed in huge numbers so it looks very appealing. If you want a great med review ask someone who is still taking Paxil or Effexor and if your looking for a bad review ask the same people when they come off of the med. The Lexus looks like such a beautiful car but the salesman fails to mention it explodes when you reach your destination.

On a personal note I really do not go through a high withdrawal period as my body destroys meds so I guess there is some positive to being drug resistant. When it was time to stop Effexor plus a couple more meds I was hospitalized, yes there were other circumstances, and my wonderful doctor stopped the meds after a three day taper but I was also under twenty four hour surveillance at the time normally the recommended reduction program is at least six weeks if not longer. As far as the Nardil goes I just need to keep track of where I am mentally at all times and when I start to slide in the wrong direction I know what I have to do and I just need to make sure I do it.

I am not a pharmacist or a doctor so don't take what I say about meds as gold. Every time your doctor suggests a new med question every single aspect and when possible do your homework. In cases of severe depression an antidepressant is needed but there is a right way to come off the med when the time is right but unfortunately a lot of doctors think the discontinuation syndrome is not real. A quick search on Paxil and Effexor lawsuits say differently.

Wrong Choice Equals Another Painful Lesson Earned

I have had a sore tooth for a while now that has become more and more painful as times has gone by so I did what I thought was the logical step which was to find a dentist that would treat me which is not as easy as it sounds for a lot of dental "professionals" will not treat people on ODSP (Ontario Disability Support Program) for they do not get paid as much. Anyway I found a dental clinic that would see me and I showed up for my appointment while I was there I informed the dental hygienist that I was taking Nardil, a drug that turns out they were not familiar with. I explained that the wrong drug interaction could cause a spike in my blood pressure with the possibility of setting off a stroke, the lady excused her self then returned ten minutes later saying they were unable to treat me as they were not familiar with this med so they could not take the chance. What they wanted me to do was call my doctor who is in charge of my meds then explain to him the situation where I need major work done and then he is to call the dental clinic which will then follow his orders regarding the med. I called my doctor once I arrived back home but as my luck would have it he was not there so I detailed the message to the receptionist who promised to pass it on tomorrow when he was back in the office. The thing with Nardil is that it takes two weeks to clear your blood once you stop taking it then it is okay for other drugs to be used so I took the logical step and stopped taking it to speed up the process ..... without the consent of my doctor. So technically I am not taking anything for my depression at the moment so the next couple of weeks or so are going to be really interesting but I doubt in a very pleasurable way. There is a chance I will not be effected what so ever by the loss of this med and there is a chance the lack of an antidepressant will send me screaming to the edge of sanity. I am wondering what my doctor will say if he calls me tomorrow and I wonder if his options are pointing at another hospitalization as that is one of the main reasons for my last admission as he does not feel that I am safe in the community without an antidepressant but maybe his viewpoint has changed in the last few months plus I am still on Seroquel through out the day and Temazapam at night so I still have some chemical assistance.

I have very little respect for my own safety or anything that happens to me most days so I tend to make decisions that support this. Right now all I can see is getting the dental work done to make the pain go away and since they are there they can take the majority of my teeth as well for any work they do will just have the band aid effect so might as well go straight to the denture option. I know I am putting myself in harms way by coming off a med in the fashion that I have but that does not mean much as that darn tooth that is making my life unpleasant. I will worry about tomorrow when I get there right now all that counts is today which is such a Borderline statement which I recognize but I can not argue against at the moment. The part of my brain that thinks long term is thinking your doctors appointment was moved up by a week and a half and when I am there the doctor will say what to do then I need to spend two weeks after that to clean my blood so I am looking at mid to late March before I go back to the dentist, the other part of my brain that Borderline fuels is saying your tooth hurts today and it is going to keep hurting until it is treated so the sooner the better which is apparently all the logic I need to stop taking Nardil. The few people that I have told and know me well are more then a little bit concerned and if the past is any sort of measuring stick they have every right but like I said the only thing that matters to me is that my tooth hurts and I want it to stop if it means a trip back through hell then so be it as long as my mouth feels fine.

Nurses and therapists would talk about suicide with me then are taken a back when I speak of it with no emotion and without blinking. Suicide means nothing to me for most days I do not believe my life is worth saving or fighting for. The reasons I continue to breathe is I worry about how it is going to effect other people in my life and most importantly my child. I know that parents who commit suicide are setting up their children for a basket full of mental issues and more then likely there life will end in similar fashion so for this reason alone I continue to fight but I don't go to war for myself but to make sure that my child does not have too. People believe when you are borderline you are incapable of love which is utter horse crap along with most of the theories that society believe but I am willing to live in a constant hell where I fight for every square inch so not to effect my child's life in a negative fashion and if that is not love then I don't have a clue what is.

Am I doing the right thing by yanking on of my meds? Ah probably not and I will end up paying for it again but that is pretty typical of my life. I would love to see tomorrow but today keeps getting in the way.