The Making Of A Mental Health Professional

I was thinking of all the common characteristics that make up a good mental health worker in my opinion and came up with the following list:

1. Real Life Experience - No book has ever been written that can truly cover what it is like to be at your absolute bottom, to fight for your own life, to understand the emotional turmoil that shows up when the people who are suppose to love you turn around and stab you in the back. There is good reasons why a high number of drug and alcohol counselors are recovered addicts.

2. The Ability To Empathize - Basically to have a heart. If you are unable to feel what the client is expressing then you have no business being in this field. I am not a book or a diagnosis but a person who would love to be cured but even more important I need you to understand where I am coming from and what I am feeling.

3. The Ability To Think Outside Of The Box - Not everyone with depression or any other disorder is going to respond to the same treatment. This field is not like an office where every time problem A shows up the person uses solution A to fix it. The worker needs to see the situation from every possible angle to come up with the best course of action. The DSM is a book of guidelines regarding a diagnosis not a set of instructions.

4. Nonjudgmental - During on of the first classes I took in college the teacher asked who in the room would not treat sex offenders and child molesters. When a couple of people raised their hands the professor responded "Then you should not be in this field for every single person who has a mental or behavioral problem deserves to be treated and seen as a fellow human being who deserves help". The ability to see the person behind the illness is essential for if all you see is the problem then nothing will be accomplished.

5. Consistent - A major problem with mental illness is it tends to be chaotic with everything in the persons life in a constant state of change. The worker needs to be a rock instead of another piece in the clients life that is unpredictable.

Well I believe that the above criteria are essential to anyone in the mental health field. Any others? Take care.

Trust

I have a massive issue when it comes to trust which is a major hurdle that I need to overcome if I ever want a clear shot at recovery. The mere thought of putting my well being into the hands of others sends shivers down my spine. This is something that did not appear when my breakdown occurred but probably started sometime in early childhood and is a main factor in the development of what later became Borderline Personality Disorder.

Right off the bat the first people you are suppose to trust is your parents as they are responsible for damn near everything right off the bat but when certain circumstances happen this is put into jeopardy creating a sort of movement that is going to take a long time to get past. I could never figure out why the people who were suppose to love me and keep me safe would repeatedly put me into situations that caused me harm. My father who could go from fun loving dad to pissed off at the world in a heartbeat created an enviroment that was a long way from being safe for a child. I never knew what mood he was going to be in so it kept my anxiety level sky high and helped mold my BPD false self in order to eliminate as many factors as possible that would set him off. You can not trust someone you fear.

Both of my parents like many around the world worked full time so my primary care giver was someone outside of the home. It was my parents responsibility to make sure that all of the proper steps were taken in order to ensure my safety and well being needless to say this did not happen. I went through a number of different sitters and I would imagine some were wonderful people but the others should have picked a different occupation. Again my view of trust was distorted for how can I trust someone who is suppose to ensure my wellbeing but continues to cause harm on a way to regular basis. Too many days were spent wondering if I was going to get my ass beat at home or at the sitters or both.

Depending on the year teachers were the closest thing I had to a responsible adult in my life but like everything else there were exceptions to the rule. Finally gathered the nerve to tell the teacher about the abuse I was taking outside of school to only be told if I was a better behaved child it would never happen. Basically the same situation repeated a year later and I learned a lesson that I would hang on to for years to come "The only person who I can trust with my wellbeing and safety is me for no one else cares what happens".

Doctors are a difficult group of people to trust as a whole. The first appointment they basically promise the world in terms of recovery then over the next period of time repeatedly fail to come through. I would imagine part of this is my expectations are off base but it seems every time I try to combat these negative thoughts with logic the only thing that comes to mind is examples from the past which are far from positive..

Therapists and I do not have the best relationships. In a therapy setting you need to be completely open in order for the best possible result but I have found out the hard way that there is something known as too much information. After my first psych stay I was set up with a therapist who has a wonderful reputation of helping those with historical abuse issues. Everything was going well for the first couple of visits until I made a mistake in the third. She asked the typical question on any progress or setbacks since the last appointment and I admitted that I hit a rough patch where I turned to self harm. Almost instantaneously this therapist decided that I was not in a stable enough place mentally to go through therapy and that was the last time I ever saw her. She was followed by two more therapists who basically came to the same conclusion after my self harm issues came out into the open. Since then I have tried to contact a dozen more therapists but once I mention that I do have the Borderline Personality Disorder all communication is cut off and this is before any of them actually took the time to meet me in person to judge for themselves how well I may respond to treatment. I have come to the conclusion in order for me to obtain treatment in a therapeutic setting in this community I am going to have to fail to mention that I am BPD and I have a lengthy self harm history. Not sure how I am going to be able to be open with someone when I believe I need to lie from the onset in order to get proper care.

Nurses. Well if you have read yesterdays post you will have a fair idea of where the relationship stands with that specific group of people. This area tends to be more separated then others as I try to figure out pretty quickly early on which are in it for the money and which are in there to help. My communication with the two groups is totally different and it has to do with trust. Very difficult to trust someone that does not look at you as a person but what is written down in a file and on paper I past the crazy line a long time ago plus that damn word untreatable is probably in capital letters.

I do try to give everyone I meet a chance to show me what kind of person they are in and more then once my original assumption was proven wrong. The problem is when the little warning flags start to appear and with the way my brain works situations from the past are quickly linked which ends up putting up the walls to keep me safe. Like I said earlier this is an area I am going to have to figure out how to get around but I am basically clueless on how to do so. Take care.

An Uncomfortable Situation

My last hospital admission was in late September or early October. I had walked into my doctors office and just pulled up my sleeves showing cuts that were made with bad intentions. In the middle of a cutting session my brain decided to take a mental vacation and when I came back to reality I was in the bathroom trying to fix up the mess. Reality can show up at the worst of times hitting you with what feels like a twenty pound brick and I finally came to the realization that I had once again lost complete control over self harm. Anyway once the doctor saw the marks the appointment ended with him picking up the phone trying to find me a bed in one of the two hospitals in the city. Where I live there is one hospital devoted to mental health and a hospital that has a psych department. The first admission some two years prior I had ended up in the mental health hospital so I figured that is where I was going again. The doctor told me to wait but about five minutes later I decided that I was not ready for an immediate admission so I went home to get ready. I did all of the things that I could to get ready such as grab a bunch of clothes, picked up a carton of smokes, made sure the mp3 player was ready to go plus sent a note to my mom and ex wife that I was going back into the hospital. I then called the doctors office and the doctor told me to report immediately to the main hospital with the psych department.

Now the first hospital had a therapist that treated a number of people in the hospital a few times a week so I assumed that this new hospital ward would be the same but I was wrong. What this hospital had was a couple of women who saw all types of patients in this main city hospital and needless to say they were very busy. Now my doctor thought that a key to my treatment is to work through areas of my past so that I could move forward which is something that I completely agree with so the nursing staff set me up with one of the before mentioned very busy counselors.

I have been around enough therapists and counselors to be able to decide whether or not they are in any good and I was pleasantly surprised at the caliber of this new helper but then a problem arose. There was no set schedule when she would be able to see me as it depended on how busy the rest of the hospital was plus one of her main areas was to help patients and their families through the death and grieving process.

After our second meeting a wave of fear ran through my body as we were getting to the point where I was about to open those old closet doors in the back of my brain. Due to this woman schedule I never knew when she was coming back nor did I know how long the session was going to be so the worry was that I bring out a demon from the past and once the monster is free it tends to cause havoc in my life. If I knew the sessions were close enough together then the process of going to war with my past would not have been a big deal but I was not sure if I would be able to handle the onslaught for a longer time period. I actually approached a nurse that I trusted and asked for advice which is something I do not do normally and explained my concerns. Her response was that in the setting I was in under constant supervision they would be able to react quickly to any situation so now was the best time to do it. What she said did make a lot of sense and I decided to wait till the next time I saw the hospital counselor then tell her my concerns and then begin to open the doors to the past.

A couple of days later after this decision I hit the mental wall going full speed to the point where I had lost complete control over everything. I scratched out a note that basically said that I was falling fast and I needed help to get out of this hell. I dropped the note on the nurse's desk where more then one saw me do so then proceeded to my room to wait for the calvary. Then I waited and waited and waited. To make a long story short it ended with a very nasty self harm session and my trust level of the nursing staff being sent out the window. A couple of days later my doctor asked about the note then freaked on the nursing staff when I told him they did nothing about it.

The hospital counselor came down later on that week and I just talked about the same stuff we had discussed the week before knowing that there was no chance that I would open those old closet doors. Take care.

BPD Series Three

Another older post I brought out of the archives for Borderline Personality awareness month. This post I took a lot of flack for but I believe it does serve a valuable purpose when it comes to BPD.

A Crash Course On Manipulation And Borderline Personality Disorder

Manipulation is used on a regular basis when in comes to Borderline Personality Disorder but how it is done and why often differs from person to person. For some reason I will go through the various ways I have used manipulation to serve my false self image.

Ending A Relationship -
- For reasons that only the BPD person knows someone in their life needs to go away and in some cases stay away. The problem is if you hastily end it then you look like the bad guy and chances are guilt will appear both which are not allowed in my mind. I will basically set a trap, leading the other person into a confrontation that will appear to set off a rage (which I completely control) by the time the confrontation is over the other person is in a complete state of shock and confusion while running out the door. Now my mind justifies this as it was the other persons actions that led to the rage and if this person knew me better then they would have respected my boundaries then the confrontation would not have happened. The part where I arranged the whole thing my mind just conveniently forgets. So if I did nothing wrong then there is no reason for guilt and I am still the good guy. My fragile false self image is still intact.

Doctors/Therapists -
- The goal is to keep myself out of the hospital and to do that I need to make sure my risk factor is in check even when its not. My doctor is very predictable and tends to ask the same series of questions every time so I basically rehearse my answers long before the appointment happens. If I feel that I need a med change then I make sure the answers are there to support it but mainly it is about keeping that risk factor low. The questions that I need to watch are those about suicidal ideation and self harm. Suicidal ideation questions are answered with a "No more then normal" which is a complete truth but I also know I have been answering this question the same way for so long I doubt my doctor knows what normal is. Self harm is a bit trickier especially when your still cutting so I make sure it is down played with answers such as "I have it in control" or with the answer "Not very often" but again I know my doctor has asked once to see the marks in the fifty plus times I have seen him so the odds are one my side. Right now I am nearing the four month anniversary of no marks what so ever so the answer is no and it is actually no. I don't lie I just don't show the whole picture and the way the system is designed it is very easy to get away with it

Nurses and Others -
- When I was in the hospital a number of staff believed I was manipulating the nurses and in a way they were right but I will try to show you the reason behind it. I am someone who remembers damn near everything and I appreciate people who are honest and open with me. People are basically classified in two sections safe and not safe. If a person is safe then that is who I will go to with any problem, that is who I will go to with any question or concern and when I am half a step away from crossing the danger line that is who I will seek out. If a nurse is classified as unsafe I will do whatever is possible to avoid any interaction with them as I don't feel like I can trust them so what they get is a bunch of yes or no answers and if they try to push it then chances are a confrontation will happen that will send a clear message it is better to just let me be. How does the classification work? Good question. I ask the same questions to a lot of people then take their answers that forms the groundwork. If the person gives me some generic answer then chances are they are going to the unsafe category for my brain sees it as them looking at the disorder and not at me. I watch them interact with other patients and I can see whether or not their heart is in it. Everything to me is about safety as in keeping myself safe so the people in my life need to care about my well being or they need to go away and everything comes back to trust. If I can not trust you to give me an honest answer on something small then why would I trust you on something big such as my health and well being. I believe everyone in the world does this and if you don't think so ask yourself out of all of the people in your life why do you always go to a select few when you need help. When I am in a hospital setting I need to figure out very quickly who my rocks are so to speak because chances are I am going to need them when the wrong situation arises. It pays to know who are safe and who are not but unfortunately I do not create the work schedule. Therapists and doctors will say that the way I see someone will differ from the perspective I am in but that is only half right, the way I see someone that day may differ but I always remember who is safe and unsafe at the core level. The people in my life I try to protect with every ounce of energy that I have and make sure that the relationship is strong and healthy in all areas. To reach that level other people have to go through the testing level and the majority do not make it or last long as my personality is either to strong. My mother does not understand how one second a person can be part of my life then the next second they are gone and I have tried to explain the whole safe and unsafe thing to her but she was raised in a manner where it is important to make everyone happy. I have my fathers viewpoint on this one which is there is six billion people on this planet so there is no sense keeping the wrong ones around as there are a lot more to choose from.

A major problem is that a group of people use both self harm and suicidal gestures to gain attention through a form of manipulation which has led others to believe that everyone with Borderline Personality Disorder does this which is not only wrong but dangerous. What happens if what you saw as attention seeking was an actual warning sign of imminent danger? I don't take the chance as if someone tells me they are in danger I pick up the phone and call 911 for my conscious can not handle a missed warning sign. If someone in your life does this call 911 or drag them to the hospital every single time and if it was for attention chances are they will find a new way to get it where the consequences don't involve a police car and a psych ward. take care

When Money Comes First

Throughout this blog I seem to be going after specific worker areas in the mental health care system and I do this for a reason and that is I believe this is where the most changes can take place with the most ease. The much larger problem to the mental health system in this country, Canada, and other countries around the world is the infrastructure is controlled by people in the government who are barely qualified to be in office let alone making decisions that effect millions.

Budget cuts have put the mental health system in a noose and sooner or later something is going to happen that will knock the chair loose. When I was working I dealt with Children's Aid Society(CAS) workers on a very regular basis as they basically controlled a lot of factors of the boys that I would work with. This system has been in place for a very long time but over the years the case load of each worker continues to grow year after year. At one point the workers had somewhere around thirty cases each to look after but now the number is fast approaching a hundred. So what happens is the children who deserve extra attention by their workers and should be making the next step whether into foster care or back home are being put on the back burner by other boys who spend way too much time in court and in trouble. This is not a conscious choice by the workers but when a good percentage of your time is spent in mandatory meetings, court hearings and the occasional treatment plan development it just does not leave you with the time to get to your entire caseload. Most of my boys relationship with their workers was done by fax machine which is wrong on all sorts of level but that is the way the budget cuts has led it too. Take a wild guess on how high the burnout rate is in this specific area. The CAS workers all started with the best intentions and that is to help children in trouble the problem is reality and budget cutbacks make their job extremely difficult and unfortunately too many young people go from John Doe to case number 9494, the caregiver part of a CAS worker has slowly been ripped away.

The first time I was in the hospital back in 05 I saw a therapist three times a week and she is a big reason why I decided to join my own fight again. This amazing lady set me up with a PTSD specialist in the community as she could only sees clients who are currently in the hospital. Anyway I lasted three meetings with the new therapist when I made the mistake of telling her I had a really bad night so I took it out on my body, according to her I was not stable enough to be in therapy. So when it was time to reenter the hospital I was sent to a local psych ward where I was a little bit shocked to find out that they did not have a on staff therapist as the budget would not allow it, yes thats right a psych ward that could not afford a therapist. What the hospital did was send a grief counselor down to see me I think three times during the month that I was there and this lady was good at what she did but just did not have the time to be effective. I saw my doctor every weekday for about five minutes at a time but his specialty is medication and diagnosing and not talk therapy which he has stated repeatedly over the years. The psych ward did have groups which are good for some people for small areas but nowhere near the impact of a one on one session brings. To me the system of emergency psychiatric care is designed to bring the person out of a crisis, medicate heavily then send back out the door and basically wait for the person to come back some time in the future. Medication enhances therapy and makes it possible for the person to really get at their problems but if there is no therapist around to help do the work the job is left to nurses whose technique comes from experience and not actual education. Someone told me that to work on the psych floor they need to take a two week course about dealing with mental health clients and I use to wonder why so many of my fellow patients would bring their issues to me. Maybe this is why I was always kept longer then the others as I was free help .... not likely.

I watched a documentary awhile ago about the new asylums in the states that appeared after a high number of state hospitals were closed due to budget cuts, mind you the new asylum is actually an older prison. I wonder where the politicians though that these people that populated the old state hospitals would go when trouble appeared or did they think the problems would just disappear but more then likely they did not care and just wanted to put through a sensible budget and the hell will the human consequences.

The only thing that will fix this area is money and lots of it but I am not going to hold my breath waiting for that to happen.

Tomorrow You Could Be Me

When I started this blog a month or so ago the plan was to try and give a voice to a section of the population that tends to go unheard. Too many times when the world media talk about mental health it is about a tragedy either at large national level such as a mass shooting or a personal level such as poor Britney Spears. So I made the decision to share with whoever happens to land on this blog what my world is like with mental health quirks.

The response has been almost overwhelming at times. Emails from people who are fighting for their own survival yet still capable of offering a complete stranger support. Emails from people thanking me for explaining parts of various illnesses in a way that they never fully grasped before. Emails from people thanking me for having the strength and the courage to put my soul on display so it could help others who have been left without a voice. This last category is what I am going to direct today's post.

I have kept my identity some what of a secret but chances are anyone who has dealt with me well make the link pretty quick which is fine and if I was really honest with myself to be expected. I am waiting for the day when my doctor or some else in the medical or therapeutic community asks if I am untreatableonline. "Yes I am" I will declare then try to deal with the reaction they give me. I would like to think it will be positive and they can see the purpose behind this blog but I imagine there are going to be people who believe what happens in the mental health world should stay there. Part of me wonders if this is going to effect the level of care I receive but to be honest it really can not get any worse at most levels. Time after time I have tried to obtain help from the "world class" services of Canada's health system and watched the door slam time after time as apparently I am too mentally ill to be helped by therapists who forgot why they entered this field.

As for the doctors and nurses all this website has asked is for them to see me as a human being and treat me accordingly. I am not a case number, I am not a thick fill that lies on the desk and I am not a diagnosis. I am someone's father, someone else's son, a friend that is always there to listen and a human being whose heart still beats. The only difference between you and me is that we are on a different path as we are both still human no matter the disguise we wear. Four years ago I was you. A loving father, husband, loyal coworker who wanted only the best for the people I worked with and my future was all laid out in front of me. Then mental illness hit and everything was thrown up in the air which ended up pushing my wife and child out the door and brought my career to a sudden halt. My future is a mystery as I am no longer able to look way down the road as everyday is a battle to see tomorrow.

As for this blog it is a little voice in a big world asking for change and maybe in the long run it will have accomplished very little but if everyone sits back and never says a word then nothing will ever change. I put myself in a precarious position along with a number of other people doing the same thing refusing to hide from a world that has repeatedly shunned us. I hope by the mentally ill speaking out it will give us a voice and remind people that behind every mental disorder stands a human being in pain and it is time for change. One in four are the odds of someone developing a mental disorder that will require some sort of treatment, one in four with those kind of odds tomorrow you could be me.

An Open Letter To The Therapeutic Community

To all the mental health professionals:

When I entered college to undertake the education required to become a social worker as I wanted to help those in a difficult position. Very early on the Professor stood in front of the class and said the following "As a mental health position you are obligated to treat whoever presents themselves in front of you regardless of the diagnosis or your personal opinions and beliefs. If you are unable to see past the problem and see the human being who needs help then you need to find a different profession". A number of people raised their hands and expressed concern about treating pedophiles, sexual deviants and people with psychopathic behavior. The professor quickly replied a human being with a mental illness is still a human being who deserves the best quality of care that a worker can provide.

A diagnosis is just a tool that is not being used effectively in too many different offices and hospitals across the world. A specific diagnosis is to be used to create a proper treatment plan guideline but not to be used to classify and rule out certain mental disorders and the human beings attached to them. Three years ago it was very easy to find a therapist as my diagnosis was severe major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder and post traumatic stress disorder so it was just a matter of finding a professional with an open slot. Since my last hospitalization the search for a therapist has gone no where as now I have the borderline personality disorder label and I am automatically ruled out before the first appointment can be booked. I have reached a point where I am going to have to hide the BPD diagnosis which is not right but the chances are this is the option I will have to take in order to get the assistance I need to get my life back on track.

Remember why you decided to join this particular field of work and chances are it was to help those in need. Yes treating people with Borderline Personality Disorder is a challenge and can require a lot of work but at the end when this person is in a safe and healthy place the reward will remind you why you chose this career path. I am a father, a son, a friend and a person who has devoted his life to helping others yet when the tides suddenly switched I became a walking diagnosis and no longer seen as a human being who deserves help.

A Crash Course On Manipulation And BPD

Manipulation is used on a regular basis when in comes to Borderline Personality Disorder but how it is done and why often differs from person to person. For some reason I will go through the various ways I have used manipulation to serve my false self image.

Ending A Relationship -
- For reasons that only the BPD person knows someone in their life needs to go away and in some cases stay away. The problem is if you hastily end it then you look like the bad guy and chances are guilt will appear both which are not allowed in my mind. I will basically set a trap, leading the other person into a confrontation that will appear to set off a rage (which I completely control) by the time the confrontation is over the other person is in a complete state of shock and confusion while running out the door. Now my mind justifies this as it was the other persons actions that led to the rage and if this person knew me better then they would have respected my boundaries then the confrontation would not have happened. The part where I arranged the whole thing my mind just conveniently forgets. So if I did nothing wrong then there is no reason for guilt and I am still the good guy. My fragile false self image is still intact.

Doctors/Therapists -
- The goal is to keep myself out of the hospital and to do that I need to make sure my risk factor is in check even when its not. My doctor is very predictable and tends to ask the same series of questions every time so I basically rehearse my answers long before the appointment happens. If I feel that I need a med change then I make sure the answers are there to support it but mainly it is about keeping that risk factor low. The questions that I need to watch are those about suicidal ideation and self harm. Suicidal ideation questions are answered with a "No more then normal" which is a complete truth but I also know I have been answering this question the same way for so long I doubt my doctor knows what normal is. Self harm is a bit trickier especially when your still cutting so I make sure it is down played with answers such as "I have it in control" or with the answer "Not very often" but again I know my doctor has asked once to see the marks in the fifty plus times I have seen him so the odds are one my side. Right now I am nearing the four month anniversary of no marks what so ever so the answer is no and it is actually no. I don't lie I just don't show the whole picture and the way the system is designed it is very easy to get away with it

Nurses and Others -
- When I was in the hospital a number of staff believed I was manipulating the nurses and in a way they were right but I will try to show you the reason behind it. I am someone who remembers damn near everything and I appreciate people who are honest and open with me. People are basically classified in two sections safe and not safe. If a person is safe then that is who I will go to with any problem, that is who I will go to with any question or concern and when I am half a step away from crossing the danger line that is who I will seek out. If a nurse is classified as unsafe I will do whatever is possible to avoid any interaction with them as I don't feel like I can trust them so what they get is a bunch of yes or no answers and if they try to push it then chances are a confrontation will happen that will send a clear message it is better to just let me be. How does the classification work? Good question. I ask the same questions to a lot of people then take their answers that forms the groundwork. If the person gives me some generic answer then chances are they are going to the unsafe category for my brain sees it as them looking at the disorder and not at me. I watch them interact with other patients and I can see whether or not their heart is in it and I look for tells that say this person is here for the money and not the patients. Remember I have worked on the other side of the fence so I have a lot of interactions and people to compare it to. There are a lot of good mental professionals out there who are doing it for the right reason but at the same time there are too many who have reached the burnt out stage and need a career change before they end up as a patient. Everything to me is about safety as in keeping myself safe so the people in my life need to care about my well being or they need to go away and everything comes back to trust. If I can not trust you to give me an honest answer on something small then why would I trust you on something big such as my health and well being. I believe everyone in the world does this and if you don't think so ask yourself out of all of the people in your life why do you always go to a select few when you need help. When I am in a hospital setting I need to figure out very quickly who my rocks are so to speak because chances are I am going to need them when the wrong situation arises. I had an extremely bad morning when I was in the hospital and there was no safe staff on duty so I knew I needed to come up with a way where they would understand quickly that I was in danger and needed help. I sat down and scribbled down a note that basically said help me I am in danger and through some peoples perspective it could have been called a suicidal note. I finished the letter and then dropped it on the nurses desk to which a number of them watched me do so then I went to my room and waited for the calvary to come in. Then I waited and waited until I reached a point where either I had to do something to stop myself from ending my battle on a permanent basis or to take that road to a never ending sleep. I hate to say this but self harm saved my life yet again and the damage was to a point where four plus months later it is very easy to see the marks that I caused that day with a poster pin. Two days later my doctor asked me about the note and he was shocked to hear me say "You are the first person to ask me about it". The doctor knows me pretty well and asked if the damage was high to which I nodded my head. Needless to say the nurses on duty at the time of the note received a lecture they won't soon forget. It pays to know who are safe and who are not but unfortunately I do not create the work schedule. When it comes to online dating I do the same thing asking the same simple questions over what ever time period and taking note of different answers all for the same reason I need to know who is safe and I need to know who I can trust. Therapists and doctors will say that the way I see someone will differ from the perspective I am in but that is only half right, the way I see someone that day may differ but I always remember who is safe and unsafe at the core level. The people in my life I try to protect with every ounce of energy that I have and make sure that the relationship is strong and healthy in all areas. To reach that level other people have to go through the testing level and the majority do not make it or last long as my personality is either to strong or they really do not understand who they are as people which is essential when your dealing with me. My mother does not understand how one second a person can be part of my life then the next second they are gone and I have tried to explain the whole safe and unsafe thing to her but she was raised in a manner where it is important to make everyone happy. I have my fathers viewpoint on this one which is there is six billion people on this planet so there is no sense keeping the wrong ones around as there are a lot more to choose from.

A major problem is that a group of people use both self harm and suicidal gestures to gain attention through a form of manipulation which has led others to believe that everyone with Borderline Personality Disorder does this which is not only wrong but dangerous. What happens if what you saw as attention seeking was an actual warning sign of imminent danger? I don't take the chance as if someone tells me they are in danger I pick up the phone and call 911 for my conscious can not handle a missed warning sign. If someone in your life does this call 911 or drag them to the hospital every single time and if it was for attention chances are they will find a new way to get it where the consequences don't involve a police car and a psych ward.

You Want To Put Electicity Into My Brain?

During my first admission the doctor told me that he believed that ECT might be good for my situation and he said I should go forward with it. I replied that is good what the heck are you talking about? ECT is Electro Convulsive Therapy or shock treatments and when he said this all I pictured was the scene from "One flew over the Cuckoo's nest" so I was not exactly thrilled with this suggestion but the mental place I was in at the time was eating me alive so I said what the heck thinking I would just pull out at a later date if things became to hairy.

First things first they need a second doctor to check you out to make sure that you are a good client for this treatment. The guy met me and a minute later he stamped his sign of approval. Then they get you to watch the movie on how the procedure works and what to expect, it is not a pretty picture but I was really glad to find out I would not be conscious for it. How it works is your brought down to the room where they give you a combination of meds, then you are told to bite down on this piece of rubber and then you breath the sleeping gas until you fall asleep a few moments later. There are two types of ECT one is bilateral which is they put two pads on each temple and the second is unilateral where both pads are on one side of your head. There are a number of people in the room and they each grab a limb then the doctor nods his head and a short blast of current is passed between the two pads putting your body into a convulsion. There are apparently good convulsions and bad convulsions determined by the time they last, the positive one I believe is somewhere over thirty seconds or so. The patient wakes up a while later and after the first one you swear that you had just been run over by a mack truck. Most people undergo a treatment every Monday, Wednesday and Friday for three to four weeks so between nine to twelve sessions is ideal but some people require less while others need a few more. It is a lot safer then it use to be and the injury rate is very small but of course you need to sign a waiver that basically says there is a chance bones or teeth may be broken, bruises may appear and of course there is a chance you may die. Oh by the way your memory around treatment days if not hazy have disappeared and don't come back but why would someone want to remember a day in a mental institution is beyond me.

The problem with ECT is that it does not work for everyone and the so called experts of the field are not really sure why it works at all. The best explanation I have ever heard is that it is like a TV that is on the fritz so you unplug it and then plug it back in hoping for what ever reason it has fixed itself. My ECT sessions were stopped after five or six as I was not showing any signs of improvement and for whatever the reason it was taking a long time for me to come back to consciousness, this is a genetic thing as a number of family members do the same thing even when electricity is not involved. I know people that ECT has worked for and basically changed their lives, I know people where the effects of the treatments only last a short time so they undergo maintenance treatments about once every couple of months to keep on the positive track and I know a lot of people that the treatment did nothing for at all. I was not happy that they stopped my sessions so soon as I thought I was feeling a bit better but the hospital did not want to take a risk when the benefits were not that clear so I lost that argument.

Two years later I am back in the hospital coming off of a number of drugs to start a new med class plus a few other reasons. I figured that since I was in the hospital anyway they might as well try ECT again. They ran every test in the book to make sure I would not have any problems with the meds and then they booked the operating room to ensure nothing went wrong. I remember waking up that morning then waking up in the recovery room with nothing in between. The first thing I did was asked the nurse if I came around fast enough to which she lied to me and nodded her head. I was informed the next day that the ECT sessions were now off limits as I posed to much of a health risk and for a while all my doctor would say is that it took you too long to wake up again. My brain does not let things go that easily so I pestered the heck out of him for the next few days until I got the real story. Everything went smoothly with me falling asleep, I had a great convulsion and then I stopped breathing for about a minute so they had to "bag" me for awhile until my brain remembered I was suppose to be breathing. I didn't ask any more questions about ECT after that.

ECT or Electro Convulsive Therapy is a last resort treatment as the odds are not great that it will work and there is a bit of danger that goes with it, my stopping breathing is not normal and they are unsure whether it was the meds they gave me or the meds that I was taking at the time that was responsible for this. ECT is meant for people whose depression has hit a point where quite honestly it can't get any worse so they will try anything to bring you back out of that hole of despair.

Long term effects I really do not have any except for a few hazy days and a couple of missing hours. After the first couple of treatments the mack truck is down graded to a golf cart that ran you over but within hours after the session you would never know I had it done. I started writing a book in the hospital as a way to basically kill time and I was always able to remember after a session what I had wrote the day before. Like I said if you feel that your on your last legs and will do what it takes to survive then look into ECT and try to picture this post and not "One flew over the Cuckoo's nest" as it is a hell of a lot safer then it use to be.

Hospitalizations - 100 ways to be bored out of your mind

Every hospital is unique in one way or another so one persons experience really does not cover all of the bases. That being said what they do have in common is you will be bored out of your mind if you stay there long enough, egomaniac nurses who believe they are more knowledgeable then your doctors (some are mind you), fellow patients who you wonder why they are there and hope they stay the heck away from you.

I spent two months in the hospital a couple of years ago after Paxil put me into a nasty place where psychotic behaviors were the norm. Ever vision your own death that was so realistic that you swore you were dead so you had to hide so the angel of death would not find you? Yeah you get the picture. My self harm behavior at the time had reached scary levels, suicidal thoughts were kicking my butt so basically my life was out of control so I agreed to be admitted into a stand alone mental hospital. This hospital had four floors , the main floor is where all of the doctors offices and the administration offices, the top floor was a higher security floor which a patient was isolated too, the third floor was for those under eighteen and the second floor was an adult mental ward. High security floor is where everyone starts then based off your risk factor or doctors orders your then moved down to the second. I spent maybe an hour and a half on the secure floor as my doctor knows my anxiety gets set off I am in big trouble so he had me moved quickly to the second which is a lot less stressfull.

The second floor had maybe thirty rooms where the majority had four beds in them. The average client was there for depression with a handful of patients with the Bipolar diagnosis and a couple of higher end mental illnesses. While I was in this hospital I underwent three therapy sessions a week with a woman who is still the best mental professional I have ever dealt with. There were little group activities like Bingo and crafts during the week but on the weekend there was very little going on as a high number of the patients went home for the weekend. The nurses varied from being really caring to you never knew they were there. When a problem arose I had to look at the staff and determine whether or not I trusted the nurse enough to tell her and a lot of time I ended up dealing with the problem on my own ..... with a razor. I was there partly due to my self harm behavior and I was able to cut every single day in the hospital which is not a good thing and was never questioned about it. I saw a doctor I think every day through out the week but I can not even remember his name so I some how doubt he was very helpful. During this first hospital stay I had my first sessions with ECT or Electro Convulsive Therapy (which I will cover in another post in the next few days) so my memory is a bit sketchy on details. I remember the food was actually really good as the hospital ran their own kitchen at the time which has since been changed. At the end of the two months I was so sick of the enviroment that I was in that I found a floater doctor and ran a game on him which led to my discharge and really pissed off my own doctor. When I entered the hospital I was on two meds Paxil and Trazadone for sleep by the time I was discharged I was on Effexor, Wellbutrin, Remeron, Lithium, Zyprexa and either Trazadone or Temazapam for sleep. They did not cure me nor did it really make a difference what they did was over medicate me. The experience overall was a waste of time.

The next time I entered the hospital it was for a lot of the same reasons as the first time but also I needed to go on a new drug which meant I needed to be off of everything for a couple weeks before hand so I did not have a stroke. This mental ward was located at the main hospital so for one it was a lot smaller and two every single type of mental illness was present. I believe there were between twenty two to twenty five beds. The other big difference was that at least half of the patients would only be there for three days to a week before being replaced by someone new. Part of this is due to legislation which gives the doctors the right to hold a person for seventy two hours if they deem the person is a risk to themselves or others at the end of the three days if they can not declare the person a risk then the person goes home. This particular mental ward is meant for short term acute mental problems but do to bed shortages in other area facilities so some of us where there for a while, I was just over a month when I forced my discharge. Again the experience for a particular day depended almost solely on who was working which is not a good thing but it is expected. I was deemed a very difficult patient for I just would not nod my head to a nurses order but asked for an explanation on why, some of them took this personally. While I was there I counseled a number of different patients just because they could not get their doctor or nurse to help them so once people found out what I do or did for a living they would come to me for an explanation or help which right pissed off certain nurses, the funny part is my doctor encouraged it and had no problems with it as he knows me and my background. So I went to work on a number of fellow patients and helped them see the light at the end of the depression tunnel. A nurse who was having a bad day told me I had no right and was not in the proper mental status to help anyone ..... she caught me in a Borderline state of mind so the reply she received was along the lines of "If you did your job properly then there would be no need for me to help others" she never talked to me again after that which is probably a good thing. A big problem I had with this stay is the reason I was there was to start this new diet that comes with a pretty specific diet for two weeks I asked a hundred and one questions to make sure I was ready for it and to remind the staff that it was coming but the day the med was started they dropped the ball and the hospital was no where near prepared. For a week all I ate or seem to eat was roast beef, potato's and either corn or peas which was not all that good the first time around let alone the seventh. Therapy showed up about three times in the month that I was there so nothing was being resolved. I created a plan that stated what I needed was long term therapy with someone or a facility that is consistent with staff being aware of Borderline Personality Disorder so I would not be able to slide back into this mind frame easily. My doctor thought it was a great idea and admitted the hospital could not provide the resources that I needed to get better so I asked to be discharged immediately. I tried to find therapy in the community with no luck and went to my next appointment with the same doctor who agreed with my plan who did a 180 and said therapy would not work for me as I am too borderline so I am basically untreatable. This pretty much sums up this hospital stay a whole lot of messages pointing one way but the second they are called upon it quickly disappears. The best part of this stay is I discovered Seroquel which led to me stopping my self harm behavior as up to that point I was still cutting every day even though they constantly asked questions and had weekly room checks .... I stood there watching a search with a small grin on my face as I knew they would never find the razor as it was in my sock on my foot. Silly people who did they think they were dealing with. The odd thing about this hospital is that they had security from Monday to Friday but nothing on weekends as apparently crazy people do not act crazy when the weekends hit

So overall my two hospital stays that totaled over three months accomplished very little if nothing at all. I have told my doctor I will never agree to another hospital stay in the area on a volunteer basis as I really do not see the point. I had a very bad day and wrote a note that pretty much indicated I was going to kill myself then dropped it on the nurse's desk while most of them watched, two days later my doctor asked if I had written the note to which I replied yes and that was the first time it had be brought up, my little boys face going through my brain is the only reason I stopped and the damage that I caused my body that day took weeks to heal which pretty much speaks for itself on my experiences with hospitalization.