An Observation

One of the best skills I had as a social worker was the ability to pick a problem apart to discover the roots of the situation but now this ability is standing in the way of my chance for recovery. A comment I see on a rather regular basis on the different forums that I participate on is to just let the situation go and move on with your life. This is a lot easier said then done and when your brain is wired similar to my own seems almost impossible.

Some people are able to deal with a problem just by shrugging it off which is something I was once able to do but not anymore. Before if a situation would arise that mentally I did not want to deal with the first reaction would be to bury it as deep as possible and basically forget or pretend it never happened. This approach worked for a long time until I ran out of room to hide the past. Now I am unable to do this and every single situation in my life is picked a part until my brain is fully satisfied of the reasoning which unfortunately never happens. I can work through a problem and seem to get past it but instead of walking away I turn around and kick the bloody thing to make sure the situation is completely dead which it never is and I end up dealing with the problem once again. I wonder if this is due to some weird form of curiosity or is linked to being self destructive. I know this I will take chaos over a quiet day at every chance for this is what I know and tend to be most comfortable in. When dealing with chaos I have to focus on the problem to make sure it does not get any worse so my brain is firing on all cylinders but when the quiet days arise my brain is basically searching for a problem to tackle and it always finds one or creates a new situation. Chaos is my drug of choice.

I wrote in a book once that the character needed to figure out a way to separate yesterday from today to have any shot at recovery and in a lot of ways this applies to my life as well. I need to figure out how to handle the past, deal with it and then erase it from memory so my brain is unable to keep going back and using it to fuel my illness. A neat trick that I have no clue on how to pull off. Take care.

Free Writing June 25

I woke up this morning and I wanted to go back to bed. The sun is shining and there is very few clouds in the sky yet my world seems so dark. I scour through my thought processes looking for a reason for this shift in mood and perception yet I came up with nothing. Could it be that my depression is more of a chemical issue then one of poorly developed coping mechanisms and emotional skills? Effexor, Paxil, Remeron, Wellbutrin, Nardil and Celexa have all taken a shot at figuring out the chemistry of my brain with no success at least not long term success. I could sit here for hours coming up with a million and one different reasons what is at the soul of the monster yet the one which would ring the truest is some days I control my illness and some days it controls me.

(Free writing is basically an exercise that I use to clear my brain, a literary punching bag if you will. All I know is after the exercise is completed I normally start to feel better)

Whats On My Mind - A Rant

I was thinking what would happen if a snapshot was taken of the world right now and somehow brought back to be shown to the people of the early 1900's. After getting through the marvels of technology would they be sadden by the so called progression this world has taken?

The people of the past would see that the ones who hold all the power are not the brightest of the bunch or those who are trying to make the world a better place but those with the nicest bank accounts. Enormous amounts of money are given to those who play games for a living such as sports or charades. This generation strives for the material things in life and tends to turn a blind eye to those in need and what seems like the only time community comes together is when a disaster takes place. Famous celebrities talk about all the difference they are making in countries across the ocean yet there are people dying in their own backyard.

This planet has been in existence for millions of years yet in the last hundred or so we have managed to destroy it. At one time church use to bring entire communities together and people would live their lives by a certain code yet now religion is used to justify terrorist attacks and the reasons to start a war.

Everything is about speed and ease now but the problem is when you go so fast you tend to miss the small things around you. Yes thank you for sharing that beautiful picture but I wonder how that flower smells.

I read an article a long time ago that seems to sum up my thoughts right now. It was an interview with Anton LaVey who was the founder of the Church of Satan and the headline read "It is hard to be evil when the world has gone to hell". take care.

It Stays With You

I went in to Social Work in my late twenties for a number of reasons: (A) I have always been a "helper" so it seemed like a logical choice (B) I wanted to figure out and gain control of the garbage in my head (C) I wanted my father to be proud of me.

During my early twenties I decided that I wanted a positive relationship with my father for it takes a lot of energy to constantly hate someone. It took sometime but eventually it grew to a point where my father became my dad and later on my best friend. The only area that was left I thought was for him to say that he was proud of me which in my warped perspective would eliminate all of the emotional damage that was caused during my childhood. Memories and flashbacks that announced to the world that I was worthless, dumb as a stump and would never accomplished anything were still running through my head taking chunks out of soul. So I figured if I went back to college and graduated with high marks he would take back all of what he had said to me earlier in my life.

The first year of college I took twelve courses and in eleven of them finished with a final grade of over ninety five percent with the last class being english were the mark was seventy nine percent as apparently my grammar skills sucked which is pretty evident through out this blog. Anyway my mom was saying over and over again on how proud she was that I was doing so well but my dad never said a word. The next year of schooling started up and my plan was the same to finish as high as I could so my father would say those words I needed him to say. Again all of my classes were finished with marks in the high nineties but again no word from my father.

During the last semester of college the first month was all sorts of small classes designed to get the student ready for the final placement. I soared through this period until the last week when a phone call would change my life. My mom called saying my dad was in the hospital and just diagnosed with terminal cancer and he had under six months to live. I made arrangements with my teachers then drove the hour and a half home to see my father in the hospital. My mom wanted to wait til my sister arrived then we would all go in together to tell my father that he was dying. The next day which was a Friday the three of us went in with the doctor to give my father the news which he responded to with anger and disbelief.

On the Saturday I spent time with my father where we basically talked about nothing at all and he was making comments that he would prove the doctors wrong and beat this cancer. The next day I went back in to see him and then needed to make my way back to school to finish the last week before placement. The drive back to my college town I was trying to figure out how I could complete the placement while at the same time be able to travel back to my hometown as much as possible to spend more time with my father.

My girlfriend and I were in the shower when I felt my heart break and immediately started to sob uncontrollably for what seemed like a long time. A minute after I stepped out of the shower the phone rang and it was my mom on the other end who said that my father had passed away ten minutes earlier.

The first person I called was my aunt and uncle for my uncle is a college professor in a different city so I wanted advice on what I was suppose to do about school. A few weeks after this call I looked back and realized that I was doing what I have always done which is push the bad stuff to the side of the road then barrel through it. Anyway the program coordinator of my course said to not worry about the few classes I would miss as they were basically nonessential and to go home to do what I had to do.

My fathers funeral was on a Saturday and then three days later I started my final placement. I through myself into this last part of my education finishing with a mark of 104 out of 105 which is apparently the highest mark in both my courses history and that of the placement. About a month later was graduation and when I received the official paper announcing this I realized that I did not want any part of it for the person I really wanted to be there wouldn't be so I called up my new boss and specifically asked to work that day.

For a long time afterwards I would not even look at my diploma or final transcript for it meant nothing to me. My girlfriend who had become my wife a few months after school finished tried to get me to at least recognize what I accomplished in school and eventually I did. I graduated with a 3.996 grade point average and if it was done on percentages it worked out to a 97 but to me I still wanted to hear my father say that he was proud of me and take back what he had said in the decades that preceded it.

When I first became ill this was one of the situations that I looked at and finally came to the realization that the goal was never for my father to say what I wanted him to say but it was a way for me to finally be able to fight those words that haunted me for so very long. I was not trying to make my father proud but I was trying to prove him wrong.

People talk about all of the damage that physical abuse does but I will tell you this I would rather get beat with a baseball bat then endure the pain that comes with mental abuse. With a physical beating it is just a matter of time before the wounds heal but with mental and emotional abuse it stays with you long after the attack finally ended. Take care.

Rational Versus Irrational

I struggle with irrational thoughts, well to be more precise I struggle with the fallout of irrational thoughts. There are days like yesterday where absolutely everything that comes to make mind makes sense and then time passes which provides me with the opportunity to look back and realize what I said or did makes no sense at all.

On the "right" day there is pretty much nothing that I am unable to justify and the best example of this is self harm. On a thousand different occasions my mind believed that causing damage and pain to my body would make me feel better about myself. That once enough blood has spilled from my veins that my problems and inner turmoil would just be carried out with it. Then something would happen following these situations when that little light bulb in my head clicks on and I actually see the damage that I have caused to my body and I am no longer able to justify this action at least til the next time where the thoughts switch from look at the damage to another scar is really not going to make a difference plus I always feel better afterwards. I have been in lengthy heated arguments with all sorts of mental health professionals on the benefits of self harm and how when I am in a cutting period I am much more healthy and stable then I wonder why no one seems to take my problems seriously.

I use to think if I stopped and really thought of everything that I wanted to say before I said it then the chances of it being irrational would be slim to none but this is not the case for some days the justification used to make the thoughts seem rational are just as irrational as the thought itself.

Part of me really wants to go back into this blog archives and destroy any post where I know was created from an irrational point but I don't for I feel the best way for someone to understand mental illness is to see the complete picture. Every single post at the time of creation I would completely stand behind 100% it is just when I stop to look back I realize that my mental illness was at play and I have a long way to go in terms of recovery. Take care.

BPD Series Six

Part six of the this series deals with what most people find to be the scariest element of Borderline Personality Disorder, the rage. Like everything else on the blog someone else's experience with it may differ from my own.

Rage? Want To See A Rage?

Today the plan should of have been to stay home and just avoid society as the Nardil withdrawal has been kicking my ass. No patience, sore bones and a brain that cannot decide what kind of mood it wants to be in. The problem with my great plan was that I needed to go to the pharmacy to pick up the rest of my Seroquel pills for the month so I psyched myself up then put on my best smiley happy face and made my way out the doors. This great sense of being lasted till I jumped into my car and reality came crashing back down, oh well at least I tried. On the way to the store my brain was stuck on this notion that my meds would not be in which basically leaves me screwed. So instead of doing the healthy thing which is preparing a back up plan I took the BPD route and prepared for a confrontation or a rage as those people in white coats call it. My brain pieced together a plan of attack which was along the lines of "The hell with your excuses this is my life you are messing with" and then I ran through every possible response that I could think that they could use then prepared my response to it to ensure all bases were covered. These poor people had no idea what was coming but turns out they would never find out as my meds were there waiting.

Rage is a big part of Borderline Personality Disorder and probably a main part that fuels the stigma but rage like a lot of different areas of this illness is not what it appears. People think that when a person enters a rage that they have no control over their emotions and there is no logic just frustration attached to it, in my case ah no. For me ninety eight percent of my rages are completely in control and for the most part have been rehearsed well in advance. The logic behind it is pretty simple the person did something that I did not like so I need to make sure it does not happen again so here comes the rage. I know this is not the proper way and it is very rare that I actually go this route anymore. For a long time rage would "appear" when someone would say something that would jeopardize the stability of my very rocky false self image so I had to respond to make sure it would not repeat and sometimes the best solution to get people to listen is to yell or teach them a painful verbal lesson. I use to have this mentality that if you hurt me I will destroy you which I really probably should not admit too but that is the reality and I am very good at it. Manipulation factors in here as well and here is an example. Say you want to get rid of the girlfriend but you don't want to look like the bad guy so you set up a rage to make it look like it is her fault. You direct the conversation till she says something that could be considered as a trigger then you let the rage do all of the work which normally ends the relationship. Mentally my BPD is thinking if she did not set off the rage then the relationship would not have ended so it is her fault and I have no guilt over it even though I completely controlled the whole ending. How does my brain justify this? If she knew me better she would have never would have been led down the path that led to the rage. Nice eh. Guilt is a foreign concept when it comes to BPD for guilt happens when you do something wrong or ashamed of but everything a BPD does is right or at least it is to them. This is also the same reason why most people with Borderline Personality Disorder will never be officially diagnosed as they do not see anything wrong with the way they think and the people in their lives who keep suggesting they get help are just jealous that we have more control over our lives then they do which means they are the ones who really need the help and are acting out of jealousy.

This is a BPD slogan if you will when it comes to confrontations "I may not always be right but I am never wrong". Never get in an argument with someone with pure BPD as you will never win and they will never admit that you are right. By admitting they were wrong puts their whole self image out of whack which they can not allow happen as their entire life is based off of certain perspectives that they have created and one dent in the armor may lead to the whole mirage to crumble. Like I said when your at the height of BPD you will protect the false self image with your life and the only thing that matters is to keep their creation on a pedestal for when it falls they fall. Rage is the wall that surrounds the castle and designed to keep all enemies out no matter how much they may make sense.

For me to drop my "wall" the first thing I had to realize and come to terms with is what I was protecting was not really there. There is no castle just a bunch of ideas and perspectives of who I thought I should be to keep myself safe and not who I actually am. The real me is running around naked in a field trying to figure out what the hell happened and how to put the pieces back together the right way. Take care.

Human Rights

Today is the day where Bloggers from all over come together to push for better human rights across the globe. After giving this topic some thought I realized that I have been doing this all along by trying to lift the cover off of mental health in the hope that it may lead to a change.

People who suffer from mental illness come in all colors, shapes, nationality and variety. For a epidemic that hits one in four people it is amazing how much that we are ignored and put on the back burner. There are people with severe health problems that should be in hospitals but instead they populate the homeless and the prison system. Medication that is capable of making lives a little bit easier are so over price that people are forced into making a decision between a prescription or shelter. Mental illness is never going to completely disappear and by ignoring the problem it is just going to get a lot worse.

That "crazy" man on the street who is barking at the moon, picking through garbage searching for something to eat and calls an old refrigerator box home at one time was someones pride and joy. This human being may be someones father, son and husband or mother, daughter and wife. We walk by them on the crowded street looking down at the ground so we do not need to see the pain in their eyes when they are pleading for spare change. The difference between you and him is not so great as most of us would like to believe. One layoff notice or one health crisis of the mental health variety and you could be him tomorrow. Not everyone with mental health issues are homeless but a lot of homeless suffer from mental health issues.

It is a nice thought that all of the bloggers can come together to make the world a better place but to me it should start by cleaning up our own backyard. Take care.

Who I Am

Severe Major Depressive Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder are the labels that I have been tagged with but it is not who I am. Behind all of the smoke and mirrors of mental illness stands a human being just like you.

I am a father to a boy who I would gladly spend my life in hell if it meant his life was full of joy and happiness. I am that person who answers complete strangers seeking out assistance not because I have to but because I want too. Since I was a small child surrounded by chaos every time I saw someone in distress I tried to help for it warms my soul and as a human being I am suppose to help others in need. I have dreams of my future that are very similar to yours as it would be nice to be a millionaire but more importantly I want my family to be safe and happy.

I know what I am capable of and I have seen my absolute bottom but yet I keep fighting and have the will to go on. Everything in my life that I thought was important was taken away in the change of the winds leaving me naked and screaming for an answer. I have come to realize that parts of my personality is less then ideal so I decided to wipe the slate clean and start over from scratch. Now I am learning everything that I should have known already and trying to mold myself into the person I want to be.

Who am I? A puzzle that is incomplete. Take care.

Mental Tricks

I have a dentist appointment in a couple of hours and like I have mentioned before it tends to bring up my anxiety level so I need to figure out a way to get through the session. The best way I know how is to just dissociate through out the process where basically my brain takes a vacation from reality for awhile so mentally I do not need to deal with what is taking place.

Through my life I have created a couple of make believe personas to take over when the situation is to much to handle. Basically I can go to this other place and not deal with reality for awhile. When entering this world I do not realize 99% of what is going on and with today's dentist appointment the time has come to use this trick again. The key to events that you know are coming is to get into this place long before the situation is going to occur as it is difficult to pull out of thin area when the time arises. This mysterious world that I have created has been built over the last few decades and every aspect of this personality is covered from where he was born to what he does for a living to the way he thinks so it makes it pretty easy to get lost in this character.

Now when I use this world it is to avoid situations that I normally do not handle well with the dentist appointment the issues I normally do not handle well is someone touching me and not knowing what is going to happen next. If I tried to handle this situation by staying in the present chances are it would lead to a panic attack which is never a fun event. So I just let my mind drift off and let the other side take over for awhile.

As a child this is how I got through the abuse in my life. At one end it was to get through all the negative emotional abuse that was constantly destroying my self esteem plus tended to get over whelming at times. For when I let my brain go over to the other place this characters life was perfect so I did not have to dwell on the negative energy that I was consumed in for I became someone else. When the nasty stuff occurred my body would be present but mentally I was not there which made it easier to deal with.

The problem with doing this is the events still take place and eventually I will have to deal with the damage that it created. For a long time I was able to keep the negative side of my life buried deep in a corner and would not acknowledge that they ever took place because to me they never did. Well I guess there is a limit to how much space there is to hide these negative events for when I became sick a few years ago part of it was due to all of the events that I had buried rose to the surface. Not a lot of fun when your brain is overridden by terrible events that you are no longer able to deny and all of a sudden need to be dealt with. Through the denial of these events I was able to lead a normal life but eventually my past caught up with me sending everything into complete disarray.

To get to a better place in my life I need to go back into my past and deal with all of the situations that took place but I am unable to do this on my own as I tend to get lost and end up in a bad position. I have tried to just shove everything back into the far corner of my mind but I am unable to do so. Now I deal with what seems like a million different images, situations and events that need to be put in order and in some cases justified or else I will never reach the recovered state that I have been fighting for.

Wikipedia defines dissociation as a state of acute mental decompensation in which certain thoughts, emotions, sensations, and/or memories are compartmentalized because they are too overwhelming for the conscious mind to integrate. This subconscious strategy for managing powerful negative emotions is sometimes referred to as "splitting", as these thoughts, emotions, sensations, and/or memories are "split off" from the integrated ego.

take care

Random Thoughts

I want my mother to understand what I deal with on a daily basis but I am beginning to think that no matter how much I explain it to her that she will never truly understand. Now my mom is a bright woman who wants to be able to empathize with what I am going through but I don't think it will happen to a level where we are both satisfied.

She is staying with me for the next ten days or so and already early in she has seen the sudden switch of emotions where I can go one extreme to the other in what seems like a heartbeat. One moment I am the ideal son and in the next moment I am walking that line between sanity and insanity. When I finally stabilized I tried to explain that certain words or actions tend to bring out these loose cannons of emotions and it does not matter who the other person is as I only know how to attack one way which is to aim straight for the jugular. She asked if I was able to control these emotions and the honest answer is it depends on the day or possibly the moment and I never know when the emotional onslaught is going to happen until it appears. My mom is use to dealing with me with phone calls every few days that last around twenty minutes or so which normally I am able to keep it at a safe level but now that she is here I can not put on that healthy mental role for more then a few hours at a time and this bothers me something awful. There is a small part of me that wishes for a few hours that we could trade brains so she would see the impact that mental illness has on my life and the amount of effort it takes to stay on this side of the sanity line but of course that is not possible.

This extends to my doctor who I believe all he sees is my diagnosis and not the human being standing behind it who is begging for his life to reach a somewhat normal level but instead I end up fighting him every step along the way for him to see me and not the words that are written down on the file. I am a human being who has spent the majority of my life trying to help others in one way or another and I believe that is who I truly am but what if this is just a distortion from the Borderline brain that on the high end sees everything in a positive light. The doctor has said that when things are going well I see everything in a positive light but the second something comes at me I quickly descend back into the negative Borderline mind set where nothing is good and I see everything as an attack. Is it possible that my mental illness has such control over me that I can no longer decipher what is positive and what is negative. Does my mental illness control me and defines who I am as a person. I don't know and to be quite honest I am not sure if I really want to know. Does everyone around me know that I am sick and the show that I put on clearly shows the illness and I have yet to realize this.

I have studied long and hard trying to figure out my diagnosis. There are areas of Borderline Personality Disorder that could have been written specifically for me that I continue to fight against but is this battle going after the disorder or is this just a distortion that acts as a tool to get from one step to the next in order to reach recovery. All of the steps that I have taken, all of the work that I have put in have they actually accomplished anything in the large scheme of things? The Borderline brain sees things in a completely positive way or a completely negative way with nothing in between. I keep telling my doctor I am making these wonderful steps towards progress and his typical response is this a shift in perception and it is likely that when my perception drops to the negative point my mind will take it that no positive steps have been made. How can you tell if your progressing when your reality is pretty much a illusion that at any time can swing one way or another where on Monday I am making tremendous progress but on Tuesday nothing has been accomplished so I should just deal with the cards that were dealt and make the most out of it.

I have said more then once that I carry four major diagnosis and they do not define me as the person but maybe this is wrong and over the last three years I have become my diagnosis. I guess the final piece is that if I am my diagnosis my future dose not look very appealing and chances are I will end up doing what so many others in my positions have done and end the game on a permanent basis. A four year old boy is the reason I continue to strive forward and fight for every square inch but on days like this it seems for every two steps forward is followed by two steps back so why should i continue to fight and the only reason I have left is if I take my life the chances are very high it will scar my son for life and he is what is important to me. My own life means very little to me but I am willing to fight for my sons sake. I just wished I knew if I was actually making progress or just spinning my wheels. My life is controlled by perceptions for when my self image is doing well I am indestructible and has all the strength and determination in the world but when I am doing poorly I think that all of my efforts means nothing. My brain is a funny thing and the hamster on the wheel must be smoking crack for he is constantly going in different directions.

I wish for the people in my life could wear my shoes for a day and then maybe they will understand the true effect that mental illness has on my life. Take care.

How Times Change

I grew up in an area where most kids underwent some form of abuse at home so I just figured it to be more normal. Kids use to come to school and brag about the ass kicking they took the night before almost like it was a game. The abuse was never hidden and all the teachers knew what was going on but I guess they thought it was not their place to step in or call the authorities.

One day when I was in grade four a lady came to the class and talked about child abuse and how that it was wrong. This counselor said if anyone of use were being abused that we needed to find a adult we trusted as we should not be treated this way. Well the lady left and I caught a beating that day after school by the babysitter so I thought what the lady had said earlier that day. I couldn't tell my parents for chances are I would get my butt kicked again for not "behaving" at the babysitters so the only real person left was my fourth grade teacher.

I summed up the courage and when all the kids went out for recess I explained what happened, asked what to do and showed her the marks across my back. This teacher looked at me and replied "Well if you learn how to listen and behave better then this sort of thing would not happen". I didn't know what to say so I just nodded and left the classroom to head outside. I tried the same approach with another "responsible" adult at a latter date and came up with the same response so I just stopped trying after that.

The fourth grade was also when my self harm history unofficially began as I use to create burn marks on my arms using erasers. What was the purpose? I was punishing myself in the hope that it would make me "good" so people would leave me alone. Needless to say it did not work.

One of the main reasons I entered Social Work was because of the fourth grade incident. I wanted to be in a place where when someone needed help I would not only be there but I would know what to do. Have a funny feeling a good number of mental health professionals chose this field for the same reason.

This post was inspired by Dirty Little Secret a blog that is full of honesty, strength and courage. Go pay her a visit. Take care.

Which Face To Wear

Very few people have actually seen the real me and for those that have it did not last long. My mom has probably dealt with the real version more then anyone else as sometimes when she calls I do not have the energy to put forth the proper image so she gets the raw version. For the majority of my life I put on the face that fits the situation as I know the real me would not last for very long as this is a lesson I learned a long time ago.

The work version. This image is of a person who is in complete control and who has no doubts in his ability to do the job at hand. There is no room for emotion in this section so every decision that is made is based off of logic. Call them like I see them.

The friend/family version. People in my life know that I am fighting but they do not have a clue to what level. Every phone call, email or conversation this version always takes the glass is half full stance. The reasoning is pretty simple (A) I do not like people to worry about me (B) If the focus was constantly on my illness chances are people very quickly would disappear as who wants to hang with someone who is constantly negative and whose view on life is basically hopeless. This image is to make sure that my support system is there at some level. The problem with this version is there is a lot of comments on how well I seem to be doing and that soon I will have this war beaten which bothers me as I know how inaccurate the statements are.

The blog/forum version. This is the tricky one. The purpose of this blog is to lift the veil off of mental illness but it has to be done in a certain way. If all of my posts were from a completely negative standpoint the concentration would be on my mental status and not the message I am trying to get across. As for the forums if I was always negative who would listen to my advice when I am trying to help them for obviously I am unable to handle my own monsters. So the key is to maintain a fine line and some days I am successful and other days I am not.

The real version. I am constantly at war with the battles in my head. The switch from anger to depression occur in a heartbeat and I never know when it is going to occur. the real me is where the diagnosis are present: Borderline Personality, severe Major Depressive Disorder, Chronic PTSD and Generalized Anxiety disorder. This is the version that turns to the razor for salvation and clarity, this is the one that is constantly going at a million miles per hour searching for that final piece of the puzzle that will spell out relief, this is the version that makes all of the plans in the world to get to recovery but always fails to follow through, this is the version that can go from top of the hill to the bottom in a millisecond. I hate the real version of me and always have so I have figure out ways to keep him buried deep in the back of the closet where the only person who has access to him for the most part is me.

Every time this issue has come up someone with good intentions will always say that I need to drop all the masks and bring the real me to the surface on a full time basis which makes sense but I am too afraid of the ramifications. The majority of my "friends" left me early on into my illness and I can not take the chance of losing the rest of them. The other part is the real version scares the hell out of me as I have no idea what will happen next and the reality of knowing I am not only losing my war against health but I am getting my ass handed to me is a bitter pill to swallow. Hope is what gets me through from one day to the next the hope that tomorrow will be a better day. Without hope there is nothing left so I hang on to it with all the strength in my body and I put on the proper mask to maintain it. Take care.

The Monsters In The Closet

Every one has a secret and every family has their secrets that are kept behind closed doors so the image that is presented to the outside world is not tarnished. When I decided to start this blog there are certain boundaries that I imposed which I promised to myself that I would not cross.

A friend of mine recently started a new blog called "Dirty Little Secret" and she is airing out old dirty laundry showing tremendous courage in the process so do me a favor and go pay her a visit. As for my own secrets they are going to remain that way until the edge is taken off of them. Whether or not that day will come I have no idea only time will tell. Take care

The Difficulty In Treating BPD

A common theme in the emails I receive is how to help someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and how do you convince someone who has BPD that they need to get help. Unfortunately there is no easy answer and a good portion of people who qualify for the BPD diagnosis will never go near a doctor for their mental quirks as they will not admit their thought process is faulty. Normally when someone is diagnosed with BPD they were seeking treatment for another mental disorder at the time such as depression or anxiety when the doctor puts the pieces together.

Imagine walking in a room full of family and friends who were all staring at you with a not so pleasant look on their faces. Someone from the group comes up to you and says "Hey Joe we need to have a talk. Do you know how you believe that two plus two equals four? Well Joe two plus two equals five". Poor Joe is trying to wrap his head around this notion that a belief he has had since he was waist high is wrong and either his head will explode or he will. Joe lets off a tirade that can stir the dead trying to hold on to a belief that is part of his core for if he was wrong or disillusioned in that area what else is wrong and it is a choice of protecting this idea or watching the whole package crumble. Welcome to BPD.

Once upon a time I created an illusion to present to others to keep myself safe as my real self was not doing a very good job. I repeatedly put forth an image that would please the other people in my life. They wanted someone who never talked back, who was the perfect child in social settings and basically every parents dream so that is what I gave them. The problem was I was so busy keeping everyone else happy that the real me was lost in the process. It was never about right and wrong but what other people wanted. I knew that when I was angry that other people would not act too pleasant so I figured out how to keep the anger inside and never show it. Any emotion that came up had to go through the filter of "If I present this emotion how will someone else react" and never the thought "To deal with said emotion the right way I need to do this" so my emotional learning curve went straight into the ground. I was so good at presenting this false image that some how it became real in the process and I would go to great lengths to protect it for this is how I survived and if you take that away then I literally have nothing else left.

When I started to really look at my past I went over a variety of situations where I could not figure out my reasoning behind them is when the realization that something was not quite right in the way I thought and behaved. The false self image was made to keep others happy but the thing is it needs constant reassurance so you need to figure out a way to get attention. Some people may resort to using suicidal ideation, sex with strangers or just blowing up when it is convenient for any attention is good attention. The thought process is "Well if I was not important then they would not be reacting the way they are" it doesn't matter how you get the attention all that matters is that you do. The BPD world is very black and white with the grey area holding very little weight.

What borderline people do understand fully is boundaries as their lives are full of them. When person X seems to cross this invisible line then this is the response he/she is going to get to make sure they do not try it again which keeps my core nice and safe for when my core is rocky my entire world is rocky. To me this is also the key to recovery but it is not going to be easy as everyone in the BPD persons world needs to be on the same page for it to work.

If the decision is made that every time the BPD person uses a suicidal gesture then the reaction will be to call 911 and get the person committed for their safety but this has to be done every time by every person or it will not work. For the first thing the BPD person is going to do is find the link that responds the way they are hoping for. If every response comes with a firm reaction the BPD person has no other option but to change and hopefully at the same time realize that their thought process is not so sound as they thought it was.

The substance rate when it comes to BPD is sky high somewhere in the neighborhood of seventy percent and I believe they do so to get rid of the doubt that something might not be right by using alcohol or drugs to hide from the reality. The statistics for suicide and Borderline Personality Disorder is one in ten. Imagine waking up one day realizing none of your life is really yours but has been one very long act your left with a few choices: A) Go to work and basically rewrite your entire thought process B) Continue to go on with the same act but knowing something is wrong C) Giving up completely and throwing in the towel. Most people will live in option B until they hit rock bottom and realize the show is over and it is time for their real self to come back to life playing the main role but for some it is too much and the curtain closes for good.

The best thing that I have ever done to correct my BPD way of thinking is insert a buffer between someone else's words or action and my response. The buffer gives me time to really look at the situation from all angles then decide which one is most appropriate. It has not been easy and there is still a long way to go in some areas but gradually I am finding myself making the choices that are healthy and not self serving on a regular basis. For thirty years I held the belief that my false self image was the real one and when reality hit it was not a fun day to realize my core beliefs were a lie. Mind you it is easier trying to balance one self image then two.

Like everything else on this blog this is my perspective and it makes sense to me. Use this blog as a starting off point and not a final conclusion. Take care.

The Lessons We Learn In Death

I believe any experience whether positive or negative offers a path of learning to better enrich our lives. The passing of a love one is no exception.

Tomorrow is not guaranteed. What would happen if you knew that tomorrow morning your eyes would never open again.

1. Would you be rushing off to tell family and friends what they mean to you or would be comfortable with the knowledge that they already know?

2. Would you spend the time in regret of all of the things that you wished to accomplish but for whatever the reason never attempted?

3. Would you be caught thinking about all of the time wasted on the "ifs" and "I wish I could change" instead of being focused on the present?

4. Would you be happy with the way your life went or would you believe that you wasted the greatest gift?

We live in a funny time that seems to get faster and faster with every passing year. I can not tell you what tomorrow is going to bring but I guess the purpose of this post is to gently remind you that it is your life and you are responsible in how it is written. Like that country guy sings live like your dying. take care.

What I Am Working On

This blog is the closest thing I have to therapy in my life at the moment so I guess I should be setting goals to give a clear idea of what I am working towards.

1. The relationship with my son. This is a very long term goal that will last until I am no longer part of this world. I had a very good relationship with my father for the last five to six years of his life but before that it was a disaster. I want my child to be comfortable to come to me for anything and I never want him to question how I feel about him. This sounds like a typical parental answer but it is something I never had until I was in my twenties and my father never had with his own father so it is time that this cycle is broken

2. Swallowing of emotions. I need to stay focused on the way different events or situations effect me and deal with them when they arrive and not turn back to the old patterns of just avoiding anything troubling. To a point I am able to do some of it here but I think it is time I start journaling in a fashion that is not so public and really get to the root of every problem instead of just trying to make it go away.

3. Not accepting my situation. I need to keep fighting towards recovery and not get complacent with my situation. It is too easy to just accept my current place in life with the belief that it will never change. This is not the life that I want so I need to fight harder to get the life I want.

4. Not everything is a fight worth fighting. This is a Borderline thing as I tend to take simple comments as a personal attack which then end up going really badly. I need to make sure that I take the time to see someones actions or words from all angles to really determine where it is coming from then respond appropriately. I have come a long way with this but it needs to be extended further.

5. I need to find out why I do not like myself and change that mindset. My battle will be a lot easier if I was fighting for a life that I believed deserved to be saved and not the belief that I have now. The difficulty in this area is I am really not sure who I am. I see myself in the high perspective of BPD and everything is good then I see myself from the low perspective and nothing is good. I need to find my real self which is somewhere in the middle and learn to accept this person instead of keeping him hidden. This is going to be a neat trick but it needs to be done.

As for this blog I actually like the way it has gone so far for the most part. There have been posts which to me at least hit the nail on the head and then there have been times where I was really unsure where a post was going and spent a lot of time afterwards debating whether to keep it or not. The reality is this is very similar to my life at the moment where at one point I appear to be in complete control and the next fighting to find a rope to hand on too. A main feature of mental illness is the tides of emotions can move quickly from one extreme to the next especially when Borderline Personality is at play.

There you have it my five main goals right now. I just need to figure out a way to make sure it gets done

My Daily Visits

Every morning I wake up, run through the normal hygiene routine, grab a apparently healthy nutritional bar and head towards the computer. After going through too many different email accounts, reading comments left from readers is the highlight by the way, I then head towards my favorite blogs which usually inspire me to create my own work so it is time to share them with you.

1. Cracked Head Blog - This particular blog is the type I purposely seek out. Straight forward, open, honest and basically a window into the soul of the author

2. How To Write For The Web - There is a million and writing websites out there but this one stands out to me. It is a joy to read the posts and by the time your done not only are you entertained but chances are learned something as well.

3. I'm A Nice Person - This site is a collection of heart warming stories that is updated on a very regular basis. The reason I visit is pretty self simple as it helps me to focus on the positives in life.

4. Set Our Teachers Free - I just love the way the author writes so I keep going back for more. Great writing plus a wide variety of topics equals a great blog in my opinion.

5. In My Heels - A wonderful blog that makes you a better person simply by reading it. A self improvement blog told straight from the heart.

6. Ringtailed Squealers - I never know what she is going to write about as everything seems to be fair game but what I do know is its always worth the trip to find out.

7. Polar Bear Blog - A great blog about life with all of its ups and down. One moment she has you smiling and the next finds you holding your breath.

8. Avoidance Junkie - I have been a fan of hers from the first time I found her blog. Another great writer whose passion brightly shines through let alone the courage she shows by sharing a piece of her reality.

Anytime I need the urge to write all I need to do is visit one of the blogs listed here and the passion of the writers pushes me to create. There are others on my list which I will get to on a later date but stupid me managed to pull the plastic wrap off a steaming plate of potato's too quickly and burnt two of my fingers so typing is a one hand affair which has reached the point of annoyance. Take care.

School Shooters The Mental Health Link

Every time a new school shooting shows up on the news channel I cringe. The main reason being the shooter tends to get a lot more publicity then his/her victims and chances are that was one of the main reasons why this person chose to inflict their plan of chaos.

When your fighting a mental illness especially on a severe level you feel very alone and believe the world is ignoring you. Unfortunately some people decide to take their lives but at the same time want to send a message to the world that they did exist and the easiest way is to gain national attention is through a mass tragedy. This might not make sense in a brain that is nice and stable but when your world is full of delusions and screwed up perspectives it makes a lot of sense.

The media is to blame for a lot of this phenomenon as they tend to put the shooter on the front page of every newspaper and the main story on the telecasts. They dig through the shooters past looking for reasons why this person took such a route which is understandable as we all want to know why but at the same time they just made the person famous or infamous. Think back to the last two big school shooting in the United States and chances are you are able to name the two shooters but how many of the victims can you name.

Remember back to the Columbine High School tragedy and the number of similar school situations that followed it. Almost all of the shooters felt that they were being mistreated and ignored by their peers so they put into play an event where everyone would know who they are. I have this sick feeling that being famous was part of their reasoning and that is exactly what happened. Every search on school shootings bring up the name of the shooters, the number of victims and eventually who the victims were which to me is wrong on all sorts of levels.

I wonder what would happen if the shooter's name(s) were never made public. The media can still do all of their normal story lines but the shooters name is never mentioned. The media can talk about their upbringing, possible mental health problems and all of the missed warning signs but never actually say the shooters name. Will this stop all future school shootings? No but I believe it may cut the actual number of tragedies down as in a lot of cases getting any kind of recognition either positive or negative is at the core of a human psyche.

As for the media try to focus on the victims as they are the ones who deserve the attention and should be remembered not a person who made a really bad decision that makes them famous or at least infamous.

The Highs And Lows Of Borderline Personality Disorder Part 2

The most popular post on this blog has been the Highs and Lows of Borderline Personality Disorder where I attempted to show how one subject can be viewed from both sides of the scale. I am going to expand the subject here by showing the views from a few new areas.

Doctors -
High - My doctor is always able to figure out my problems with no difficulty. My doctor makes every decision with my best interests in mind. My doctor is a main reason for my recovery
Low - My doctor tells me the same thing he tells everyone ask as he is not listening just responding. My doctor learned everything from a book and has no idea what I have to go through on a daily basis and I doubt he even cares. My recovery would be a lot further along if my doctor was any good. All my appointments are is an opportunity for him to destroy my self worth that leaves me picking up the pieces

- I go into appointments with set answers in my head just to get out of there as fast as I can for it does not take much to go from one perspective to another when I am around him. The doctor knows this and has said he says very little in the worry that the wrong thing will set me off. Not exactly what you could call a healthy relationship and a lot of it is probably my fault but not all of it.

Forums/Groups
High - This site is better off because I am a member. All of the members are wonderful people who will always be there when I need them. My recovery has come along way do to the insight I have gained from other members
Low - This site is full of people who are just trying to get attention. Most of the people on this site do not have a clue what real depression is. Time and time again some member believes he/she is a therapist and tries to cure me but all they do is create more damage. The only reason why people pay me any attention at all is because I have been on the site forever but even then none of them really get me.

- Some days its best I just avoid forums or groups as chances are I am just looking for a fight. At one point I completely walked away from all the sites that I participate on for a few months with the belief it was doing more damage then good. Finally my brain clicked on and I realized that 95% of my support system is from other people online.

Depression
High - My depression does not control me but I control it. I have come along way and time and time again I make gains over the monster that others thought would be impossible. I am strong and focused so there is no reason for failure.
Low - My depression completely controls my life. I can't do anything right because the depression is always standing in the way. In three years I have made zero progress and chances are have gone the other way. My entire life is now a wreck all because I am weak and not able to beat the monster.

- Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder are a very bad mix especially in the low perspective range. A deep depression and a low perspective have put more then one person in the ground. It is bad enough that a strong depression has you on edge but when your BPD brain is constantly reinforcing all of the negative comments/emotions you end up in a really bad place and after a while suicide looks like a dream come true.

The goal for anyone with Borderline is to find the middle ground and stay there which is difficult. The problem is the BPD brain is trained to react to basically anything so if it perceives something negative or a threat then it becomes defensive very quickly as it was designed to protect a very fragile self image. My doctor has made mistakes during our relationship and my brain is unwilling to forget this so it stays on guard at all times which helps no one. The forums and groups are a big reason why I continue to try and move forward but there has been times where some really bad advice was given from a few people but somehow in my brain the whole site becomes tarnished. At one time I was very open about sharing my story in the hope it would help someone but an incident happened and now I am pretty careful on what I say and it has affected many different areas of my life in a negative way. As for depression it goes from bad to really bad and when I end up in a high perspective position it never lasts for very long.

When The Meds Suddenly Stop

There are many different reasons why people will all of a sudden stop taking their medication and unfortunately like everything else in mental health there is a risk to it. If you think it is time for your meds to be stopped talk to your doctor first and let everyone in your support circle know of the plan so people are aware and will take action if negative behaviors suddenly start to appear.

So here are some reasons why medication is stopped:

1. The person no longer feels like they need the additional help - This area can be an amazing goal as it could mean that the individual has finally beaten their own person demon. The problem is the meds could be the reason why you are feeling so wonderful and you may be setting yourself to finding out the hard way how important the drugs are to your mental well being.

2. The freaking side effects are just to much - This is the category that causes a lot of people from no longer taking their meds. Zyprexa allowed my brain to stop racing, limited both the urges, flashbacks, nightmares and shut up the little voice that was up to no good. Sound great right? I also managed to gain over sixty pounds in under six months even though I barely ate. Mental health clarity and stability is a wonderful thing but won't mean much if you drop dead of a heart attack. A common side effect is known as the zombie effect which basically feels like your sleep walking while your wide awake, a normal conversation goes like this "Hey Untreatable how are you doing?" and a couple of minutes later my brain has realized that A) Someone is talking to me B) An answer is required. You get a lot of funny looks when your in zombie mode but the good thing is your in such a daze that you really do not notice. Sex is another big one. You are finally feeling good enough that you want to engage in bumping uglies but the problem is vital parts of your anatomy do not want to cooperate which then tends to lead to a deeper depression. Nardil, the MAOI anti depressant I came off of recently had its own scary level of side effects such as eating the wrong food or taking another drug on the no no list would send your blood pressure through the roof possibly to the point of causing a stroke and the no no list is very long. When I first started the diet it was like playing Russian roulette as I always wondered if the next meal would be my last. Thankfully my wonderful resources over at crazyboards helped me to figure out the diet.

3. Cost - One of the benefits of being deemed long term disabled is my plan covers the cost of all of my medication. Also being Canadian means my drug costs would be no where near to that of a neighboring American but for a lot of people the choice comes down to keeping a roof over their head or medication. There are a lot of generics out on the marketplace but you need to do your homework first as the chemical components in some differ a lot from brand name to generic and the best example is Wellbutrin. My doctor believes the generic version of Wellbutrin is nothing but a problem so he made sure the hospital would provide me with samples as my plan always goes for the generic version. Too many people suddenly stop their medication because of financial reasons.

Well there are the top three reasons why people stop taking their medication. Certain anti depressants will send a person straight into the discontinuation syndrome which is a fancy way to describe withdrawal and it can literally be hell on earth. Many experts claim that stopping a drug like Effexor or Paxil brings up the same response as someone going cold turkey off of heroin. Drugs like Valium and Xanax keep millions of people nice, calm and stable but when all of a sudden the meds are discontinued the person may end up in a tornado full of anxiety which can lead to very poor choices made and a lot of people at risk. The last two shooting tragedies in the USA included the following statement "The shooter suddenly stopped taking his medication".