Weird Mental Tricks

Every once in a while an idea will come through my head that makes so much sense that it takes forever to get rid of it. About a year ago I was thinking what I should do in terms of a future career as I am not sure I can ever go back to Social Work or at least not in the same capacity that I once did. Anyway this idea came out of nowhere that my new purpose in life was to write basically a modern day bible or at least something similar. This delusion went on for a long time and it somehow reached a point where I was having mock interviews in my head and I think Oprah called this new project of mine the ultimate guideline to a happy life or something close to it. Within a week I was all ready and set to start this project then bang it was gone.

Paranoia is a royal pain in the ass and it is one of the worst parts of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have sat alone in my home with every window and door locked then somehow convinced myself that there was an intruder in the house so I grabbed a golf club and searched every single nook and cranny until my mind finally realized that there was no one else there. The other side to paranoia is I seem to have a problem with people who are nice to me for instantly my brain is trying to calculate the angles and figure out what they want for someone being nice to be just for the sake of trying to help does not make a whole heck of a lot of sense to me. Part of this is paranoia and the rest relates to life experiences that goes back to the ole saying "Nothing is free".

I use to have what I called a safe list and if you were on it then chances are if a problem arose that I could not handle then I would turn to you for help well this was the theory but in reality it did not work this way. My life seems like an open book on this blog and in a lot of ways it is but at the same time I am pretty careful not to cross that invisible line that leads to too much information for the paranoia spectrum in my brain is positive it will be used against me. Anyway back to the safe list that really did not exist for the only person I have ever trusted enough to tell them everything is my ex wife and Lord knows I screwed that one up. The borderline part of my brain sticks to the reason that I got sick and she left but the other part of my brain that is more tied into reality knows that when the depression hit hard I needed to simplify my world as much of possible which led to a created situation that basically forced her hand into leaving. We have a child together and I realized about a year after she left that it was important that we have a good relationship for we are permanently tied because of our son. It is finally getting back to a good level and I am going to do my damnedest to keep it that way. There is a million things she could have done to make my life difficult but instead she took the higher ground and helped whenever she could which is weird to me for most people that i have pushed out of my life have never come back and in some cases have never forgiven me for it

This post was a neat trick to write for I am still waiting for my Seroquel to kick in and my brain is going a million miles per hour with thoughts coming in from all angles. Chances are this is going to be a post I will regret tomorrow but maybe it will give a more clearer picture of what that lovely little antipsychotic is suppose to prevent. I ate one piece of licorice today and the sugar content was rather high in it and instantaneously felt sick to my stomach so that is not a good sign which I will get the mental doc to order some blood tests before this turns into an anxiety nightmare from hell. Anyway back to the apology and that is my brain is just not cooperating and I need to go to sleep but until the thoughts slow right the heck down that is not going to be possible so I am hoping by putting everything down on here that it will help a bit.

Oh the exercise routine took a drastic switch when my body realized it is not nineteen anymore so now I have a whole body workout three times a week and so far so good. I don't believe in scales and I rather use how my clothes fit plus look for muscle definition as a judging criteria. Had to pick up a smaller belt so I guess that means I am moving in the right direction now just need to figure out how to get around the odd eating hours as at the moment it is all over the place.

Well that is it for now and maybe tomorrow I can compose something that is a lot less jumpy and makes sense. Take care.

A Plan For June

Of all the different medication I have been on in the last three years none have worked better then anti psychotics to helping my mental stability. These wonderful little pills keep my brain from speeding, seem to keep both the urges and flashbacks at bay. Of course with everything in life there is the good side and there is the bad side. The side effect that seems to follow anti psychotics is weight gain and if your not careful it can very quickly get out of control and put your risks for diabetes plus other major health risks through the roof.

The first anti psychotic that worked for me was a little white pill called Zyprexa and at the beginning it seemed to be the answer to my difficulties. I have never struggled with weight control so I was not as careful as I should be and before I knew it the weight scale went from 190 to almost 265 pounds in under six months. Against doctors orders I stopped this drug and managed to lose most of the weight in the year that followed but again I was back fighting the psychotic elements of my illness. A real bad cutting session led to a hospitalization where after a few trial and errors Seroquel seemed to be the winner. When I left the hospital the dosage was 25mg three times a day and now six months later the current rate is 100mg three times a day plus a 50mg booster to fill in the gap. I happen to like Seroquel but the scale is starting to creep in the wrong direction so it is time for a plan that will enable me to stay on this med but keep my weight in control at the same time. Here is the exercise routine and diet guidelines that I will start on the second of June:

EXERCISE PROGRAM:
A) Day one - Legs, abs and thirty minutes of aerobic exercise
B) Day two - Back, chest, arms and thirty minutes of aerobic exercise
C) Day three - One hour of aerobic exercise
- repeat

I am going to use a combination of resistance bands and body weight exercises with the aerobic exercise be either biking or roller blading.

DIET
A) No junk food or anything that resembles it
B) Soft drinks will be replaced by water
C) Basic MAOI diet which is essentially fresh food with little to no preservatives

I think the most key area is to eliminate snacking all together and try to get back into following a healthy diet and not the depression diet which is basically whatever requires the least amount of effort.

Well there is the plan that comes into play tomorrow and the reason why I am telling you this is (A) Weight gain is a factor in a lot of mental meds (B) For me personally once I tell someone I am going to do something then the chances of following through is much higher. If anyone has any tips it would be greatly appreciated if they are passed this way. Take care.

Rational Versus Irrational

I struggle with irrational thoughts, well to be more precise I struggle with the fallout of irrational thoughts. There are days like yesterday where absolutely everything that comes to make mind makes sense and then time passes which provides me with the opportunity to look back and realize what I said or did makes no sense at all.

On the "right" day there is pretty much nothing that I am unable to justify and the best example of this is self harm. On a thousand different occasions my mind believed that causing damage and pain to my body would make me feel better about myself. That once enough blood has spilled from my veins that my problems and inner turmoil would just be carried out with it. Then something would happen following these situations when that little light bulb in my head clicks on and I actually see the damage that I have caused to my body and I am no longer able to justify this action at least til the next time where the thoughts switch from look at the damage to another scar is really not going to make a difference plus I always feel better afterwards. I have been in lengthy heated arguments with all sorts of mental health professionals on the benefits of self harm and how when I am in a cutting period I am much more healthy and stable then I wonder why no one seems to take my problems seriously.

I use to think if I stopped and really thought of everything that I wanted to say before I said it then the chances of it being irrational would be slim to none but this is not the case for some days the justification used to make the thoughts seem rational are just as irrational as the thought itself.

Part of me really wants to go back into this blog archives and destroy any post where I know was created from an irrational point but I don't for I feel the best way for someone to understand mental illness is to see the complete picture. Every single post at the time of creation I would completely stand behind 100% it is just when I stop to look back I realize that my mental illness was at play and I have a long way to go in terms of recovery. Take care.

Voices

Imagine an MP3 player that has been surgically implanted with a power source that is ever lasting. No matter what you do this player keeps sending messages through out your brain and the harder you try to ignore it the louder it gets. A person sitting across from you could be telling a detailed story but in between their sentences the MP3 player is telling you what and how to perceive this new information.

The messages may have started small but over time they have grown more and more powerful until the point they have become your reality. Every trick in the book does nothing to lessen the voice from within. At times the voice may provide a perception of a situation that you may have never realized before and it may appear almost helpful but the true intent is to gain complete control over what you do. For some it becomes the voice of reasoning or the voice of God which must be followed or else bad things tend to happen. At first you fight and you fight for you know this is not rational but after the same message is repeated over a long enough time frame it begins to make complete sense and something that once seemed to be completely horrific now makes complete sense and becomes the right thing to do. This is severe psychosis and this is why some people do the horrific things that they do.

Psychosis has a very large scale and it can go from an annoyance to the level where the person has complete loss of rational thought. I have psychotic features attached to the major depressive disorder which basically means I heard a voice that was not my own where it encouraged negative behavior thinking. In my case it encouraged, never told me, to self harm or to take my own life for both would bring the peace that I was looking for.

When it first appeared it was an annoyance that I just shrugged off believing it was just a manifestation of my inner turmoil. The problem was it kept coming back with the same messages over and over until I would find myself arguing with it. Every single reason not to commit suicide was justified by this inner voice until I only had one left which the voice tried to justify but my brain couldn't thankfully.

When it came to self harm the urges would be encouraged by the voice and the majority of time I would go in because it made sense and it would make the voice go away. The day my self harm behavior stopped I made a conscious decision to no longer participate in this behavior which is the right step but it was also the day that I started Seroquel an anti psychotic which probably had more to do with it then my good intentions. In my situation the medication does two main purposes (A) It keeps my brain from racing (B) It shuts up that damn voice.

This is why it is so important for people who are taking medication to stay on the medication for when it is gone there is a chance a psychotic state may happen where the person loses rational control and the rest of us read about it in the newspaper. Thankfully most psychotic episodes do not approach that level but while they may not be a danger to the community at large they may very well be a danger to themselves. Take care

Top Ten Posts By Views

Well this is post number seventy one since I started this blog mid January or so. I was never really sure how far this blog would go or to be really honest how quickly I would lose my desire to write but so far so good. I was going to save this type of post for March 1st but that day happens to be Self Injury Awareness day so I am going to focus on that when the day comes. So this post is a ten list of the most viewed posts on this blog so far with a small summary of each. Some of the posts are pretty darn new and climbing quickly so in a month the order of this list will probably differ.

1. High And Lows Of Borderline Personality Disorder - 8043 views - 2/14/08
- The first attempt of showing how the Borderline brain works from the two different perspectives on one subject

2. Loss Of Contact With Reality - 2657 views - 2/22/08
- The wonderful world of Psychosis and how it has effected my life

3. When Money Comes First - 2604 views - 2/23/08
- Where the true crisis of the mental health system is coming from

4. How God Turns Into The Devil - 1978 views - 2/16/08
- This is how a doctor goes from being the most important figure in a persons life to the person responsible for the patients misery or reasons why clients attack the people who are trying to help.

5. How My Personal War Affects my Son - 1799 views - 2/15/08
- This was the hardest post to write and the most difficult area of my illness

6. Mountains From Mole Hills - 1371 views - 2/17/08
- All about anxiety and its many different forums plus a few helpful tips

7. Higher Education Versus Real Education - 1286 Views - 1/29/08
- All of the things they do not teach you in College about mental illness

8. School Shooters The Mental Health Link - 1015 views - 2/26/08
- A possible reason why some people with mental illness go the mass tragedy route

9. Maybe This Will Work Maybe It Won't - 753 views - 2/24/08
- Me trying to help my Mom in a round a bout way

10. How I Diagnosed Myself - 724 Views - 2/23/08
- The actions and events that led to my diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder

Well there you have it my top ten so far. I would like to thank the people who come by and visit my little corner in the web. I hope that everyone continues to read my work and of course stumble when they like it. I should have said this earlier but if there is anything that you are curious about or wanting to know my perspective just leave a message in the comment section and I will try to give the best answer that I can from this brain of my mine. Take care.

Ice Picks And The Brain

If you ask a lot of people to name a mental health procedure chances are the word Lobotomy will show up a few times. This practice which was once considered to be the great cure by mental health professionals is now looked at as a massive mistake and most wish to push it far under the rug as possible. Lobotomies were stopped for the most part in the late 1970s.

Most people I would imagine remember the character Randall McMurphy from One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest who was lobotomized due to a verbal tirade against the head nurse unfortunately this is closer to reality then most realize as lobotomies were used on people for the smallest of reasons towards the end of its therapeutic history.

The former United States President John F Kennedy's sister Rosemary was given a lobotomy as her father felt she was too moody. The procedure left Ms. Kennedy in a state similar to an infant. Rosemary's sister Eunice Kennedy Shriver founded the Special Olympics in her honor in 1968.

Approximately 40,000 Americans underwent this procedure with varying results and the doctor who refined this psycho surgery was awarded the Nobel Prize for his "revolutionary" procedure in 1949.

Loss Of Contact With Reality

When people have a sudden loss of contact with reality it is deemed that they are psychotic or experiencing a psychotic episode. Most people will experience a psychosis at some part of their life but like everything else in mental health there is a scale that measures severity.

When the question appeared about psychotic behavior in the comment section of another post I really did not think that psychoses effected my life but after a quick trip to a bunch of sites I realized the impact was much larger then I thought. Psychosis is a symptom of a high number of mental disorders as well as some physical ailments.

Delusions - Paranoia is a big one here. Remember the story of me searching an empty house with a golf club in hand looking for something that was not there. The majority of this situation can be linked to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Anxiety at the base level but it was a mental delusion that somehow someone entered my home without my knowing that had me searching the house ready to brain the intruder which turned out to be a creaking floor board. Another blog that has dealt with a delusion on the high end is when I thought that I was already dead so I had to hide to make sure death could not find me. Two hours under blankets before my brain could sort that one out.

Hallucinations - This category can effect any one of our senses taste, smell, sight, sound and touch. One of my diagnosis is severe major depressive disorder with psychotic features which means I am depressed and use to hear a voice that was not my own. This lovely little voice never told me what to do rather it encouraged negative behavior. Small things such as "You seem to be awfully stressed so why don't you grab a razor and make yourself feel better" or "Wouldn't it be nice to just lie down and all of your problems go away for good. The pill bottle in front of you can accomplish that" or "Remember when you were seven and..." this one leads to flashbacks which also can be found in the psychotic handbook. As far as visual hallucinations there have been occasions when I think I see something that is not there for example a couple of times I have destroyed my forearm trying to get rid of the bugs under my skin.

Thoughts - This differs from delusions as the thoughts themselves can be fine but what differs is the speed. My most problematic area is that my brain races to a point where I am completely overwhelmed and I will go to extreme lengths to make it stop which is more then not self harm. When I am communicating with others in this state nothing makes sense as I can not focus on one train of thought as there are what seems like millions of disconnected thoughts rushing through my mind. Sometimes I am able to catch it in times but there have been points where my brain just blanks and I have no clue what happened. My last admission can be tied into a psychotic break for I was having a bad day as my brain was spiraling out of control so I grabbed my razor then next thing I knew it I was in the bathroom cleaning cuts that could have ended my life. The next day I walked into my doctors office then pulled up my sleeve and two hours later I was in a hospital bed.

Black Outs - They are unbelievably terrifying and trying to deal with the consequences of them afterwards is difficult. How do you explain to someone your behavior when you have no recollection of the event happening. Not a nice feeling when your brain clicks back on and you can not account for a missing time period. My brain is wired in such a way that the person I will thrust my anger on first is always me and I have a lot of scars to show for it.

It is very difficult to admit to a mental health professional that you need help for depression, PTSD, anxiety or what have you but trying to find the courage to tell my doctor that I was hearing voices and blacking out took a long time because I figured that they would lock me up and throw away the key. Now I take Seroquel three times a day and it has helped in many areas as the inner voice is gone, flashbacks have been reduced and most importantly my brain is not spinning out of control. I have come to the realization that the med class of anti psychotics will always be a part of my life and right now I am fine with that as I can still remember what happens when psychosis runs the show.

When The Meds Suddenly Stop

There are many different reasons why people will all of a sudden stop taking their medication and unfortunately like everything else in mental health there is a risk to it. If you think it is time for your meds to be stopped talk to your doctor first and let everyone in your support circle know of the plan so people are aware and will take action if negative behaviors suddenly start to appear.

So here are some reasons why medication is stopped:

1. The person no longer feels like they need the additional help - This area can be an amazing goal as it could mean that the individual has finally beaten their own person demon. The problem is the meds could be the reason why you are feeling so wonderful and you may be setting yourself to finding out the hard way how important the drugs are to your mental well being.

2. The freaking side effects are just to much - This is the category that causes a lot of people from no longer taking their meds. Zyprexa allowed my brain to stop racing, limited both the urges, flashbacks, nightmares and shut up the little voice that was up to no good. Sound great right? I also managed to gain over sixty pounds in under six months even though I barely ate. Mental health clarity and stability is a wonderful thing but won't mean much if you drop dead of a heart attack. A common side effect is known as the zombie effect which basically feels like your sleep walking while your wide awake, a normal conversation goes like this "Hey Untreatable how are you doing?" and a couple of minutes later my brain has realized that A) Someone is talking to me B) An answer is required. You get a lot of funny looks when your in zombie mode but the good thing is your in such a daze that you really do not notice. Sex is another big one. You are finally feeling good enough that you want to engage in bumping uglies but the problem is vital parts of your anatomy do not want to cooperate which then tends to lead to a deeper depression. Nardil, the MAOI anti depressant I came off of recently had its own scary level of side effects such as eating the wrong food or taking another drug on the no no list would send your blood pressure through the roof possibly to the point of causing a stroke and the no no list is very long. When I first started the diet it was like playing Russian roulette as I always wondered if the next meal would be my last. Thankfully my wonderful resources over at crazyboards helped me to figure out the diet.

3. Cost - One of the benefits of being deemed long term disabled is my plan covers the cost of all of my medication. Also being Canadian means my drug costs would be no where near to that of a neighboring American but for a lot of people the choice comes down to keeping a roof over their head or medication. There are a lot of generics out on the marketplace but you need to do your homework first as the chemical components in some differ a lot from brand name to generic and the best example is Wellbutrin. My doctor believes the generic version of Wellbutrin is nothing but a problem so he made sure the hospital would provide me with samples as my plan always goes for the generic version. Too many people suddenly stop their medication because of financial reasons.

Well there are the top three reasons why people stop taking their medication. Certain anti depressants will send a person straight into the discontinuation syndrome which is a fancy way to describe withdrawal and it can literally be hell on earth. Many experts claim that stopping a drug like Effexor or Paxil brings up the same response as someone going cold turkey off of heroin. Drugs like Valium and Xanax keep millions of people nice, calm and stable but when all of a sudden the meds are discontinued the person may end up in a tornado full of anxiety which can lead to very poor choices made and a lot of people at risk. The last two shooting tragedies in the USA included the following statement "The shooter suddenly stopped taking his medication".

How God Turns Into The Devil

When you begin to study social work or any other form of a therapeutic profession the first thing the professor tells you is that some of your clients will fall in love with you. What the teachers fail to mention is that this endearment can switch in a heart beat leading to a potentially dangerous situation.

When a person starts to see a therapist they found a person who will listen to all of their problems without judgment, a person who appears to understand the thoughts that are racing through their head and a person who can truly empathize with the pain the client is feeling. This professional is perfect and is viewed in a light that is reserved for religious figures through the eyes of the client. This helper appears to be the key to their recovery and a much better life.

The problem comes when the client does not get better for whatever the reason and the perception of the therapist changes. The client starts viewing the sessions as not progress but as of torture for bringing up memories that should have stayed buried. The client leaves the office in worse shape then they came in and now has to deal with the mental consequences of the stones turned over revealing demons that they thought were dead. Now some people who were on the brink of reality have crossed over the line where the only thing that exists is pain and anger. The person has isolated themselves from the rest of society and is living in the pits of hell deep in their own mind. Some people will end up in an emergency room or a psych ward but some go the other way and take their own lives but others see the pain that they believed the people who tried to help caused and a tragedy takes place.

Most people do not enter therapy the second a mental health problem shows up. They keep it to themselves and try everything under the bridge to get through the difficult situation. For some people the therapist is the last resort and they put their complete faith into the helper believing that with the professionals help they will kick their illness in the ass. When progress is halted it is the therapists fault at least through the eyes of someone with a distorted perception caused by a mental disorder. Now the therapist goes from being the solution to the problem and the focus of their anger. A lot of clients take this as a setback and work through it, others will fire the therapist and find someone new and a small percentage will make the wrong choice.

Every time there is a major tragedy it makes it to the front page of the news and constant rotation on CNN but what does not make the news is the number of mental health professionals who are assaulted by their clients either physically or mentally on a very regular basis. I have scars on my body from boys biting and scratching me who would quickly turn around and proclaim me as their favorite worker. Perception is everything and my can it change quickly.

The Story In The Picture

The above painting was created by artist Vincent Fantauzzo which illustrates the directions in which Heath Ledger was being pulled before his death. If one picture could define mental illness this one comes damn close. I don't know if Heath suffered from mental health difficulties and if he did which ones and I will not jump on the band wagon trying to "guess". All I know is the world lost a great actor way before his time, a family lost their son and a daughter lost her father.

The painting to me brings up memories of difficult mental health periods where I was trying to focus on the positive but my brain would not allow it. An inner voice that spent hour after hour trying to convince me that the best decision is to lay down and never wake up. The outside voices of my friends, family, doctors, therapists and other members of my support system telling me that everything that will get better I just need to keep working at it. I sat in the middle trying to make sense of all of the messages through a perspective that was so clouded by pain and frustration did not know which way was up and which way was down all I knew is I wanted to get better but at the same time I was dying inside. Too many messages from too many directions and all I wanted was everything to go back to normal.

Paranoia phases where I would be sitting on my couch able to see both the door that leads to the garage, the one that leads outside to the backyard and the front door. Trying to convince myself that I was safe yet on more then one occasion it just became too much so I searched my home with a golf club in hand looking for a demon that did not exist but I was positive that was present. Periods that were so intense and a mind that could never rest so I did what I did to survive which was destroy my body with a razor blade trying to snap my brain back into reality and allow the turmoil of emotions out of my soul.

This is the reality of severe mental illness and that painting tells one hell of a story. Being pulled in so many different directions that you forget where you are and sometimes who you are. All you want is everything to go back to normal so you fight with every cell in your body because if you don't the game ends on a permanent basis.

The scales of depression

Depression is a bad word and more so when you have to live with it. When you tell someone that your being treated with depression they give you this funny look that basically says "Hey everyone gets depression just stand up, be a man and plow through it" mind you most people hear the bad word they think of a teenager crying because their boyfriend just banged their best friend. To me this is not depression this is the case of the blues that with a little time and a lot of tissue will go away on its own.

I am diagnosed with Severe Major Depressive Disorder with Psychotic features which basically means I am fighting for a life that I have really no interest in saving. I deal with suicidal thoughts on such a regular basis I almost wonder what is wrong when they do not show up. Combine this disorder with my others and I am a sky high risk factor for damn near everything and it means it is beyond difficult to treat effectively. When I say depression I am talking about the type where just getting out of bed is a challenge, you need to remind your self to eat on a daily business and suicide is not only an option but the best idea you have heard about in a long time. Why am I still breathing? Simple answer is I have a four year old child and me taking the easy route out means his life will be effective negatively which is something I am not willing to do. I will live in hell on earth if it means he will have a good life.

People hear my diagnose for this area and the word Psychotic immediately jumps out at them and scares the lights out of them. My Psychotic feature is for a long time I would hear a voice that was not my own inside of my head. This voice would not tell me what to do but would encourage certain behaviors and make sure my good days did not last long. It would have wonderful little comments such as "Wouldn't it be so much easier if you just downed that bottle of pills and just go to sleep for a long time" or "You know every time you cut you always feel so much better afterwards" or to wreck my days comments such as "Remember when so and so did this to you" or "Remember when you walked through the door and saw your father lying in the casket". Not much fun what so ever and you will argue with this damn voice for every waking hour that you have. Took a drug called Zyprexa for a while that shut this voice right up and kept my brain from racing problem was I gained seventy pounds in a six months period so it had to go. Now I take Seroquel which is doing the same thing except for the weight issues mind you I do work out a lot and my antidepressant requires that I follow a pretty strict diet. My Psychotic status does not mean I will stab you with a fork unless you really deserve it then we will see .... I am kidding put the straight jacket away.

I have had a form of depression since I came out of the womb just trace my family tree and there is no doubt where it comes from and why I am cursed with this disorder. There are also situational factors that play into it that are going to require some time on the therapist's couch but since I am also Borderline most of them stay right clear of me. Much easier to treat the simple cases I guess and to the hell with the oath they took.