A Beef - Self Harm Pictures

I was surfing with Stumbleupon yesterday going through the sites related or tagged with self harm and on several occasions came across blogs that simply put bothered me. The writer of the blog for whatever the reason decided to post pictures of their latest self harm session. Now I do not understand the logic behind showing such images but I do know that:

A) People who are in their own battles may find the pictures triggering which makes the war that much harder

B) The stigma surrounding self harm is that people do it to to gain attention which is not true in the majority of cases but posting images is really not helping the stigma to go away or to be decreased.

C) The actual injury from self harm is the result of a very negative coping mechanism but has little importance in the overall picture. If you want to talk about self harm then discuss what led to the result and ways to prevent it from happening again.

The majority of the sites that I found the person usually says something along the lines of "I have been cutting for a week or so and this is what the last session looks like". If you are cutting it means mentally your unwell and need help remember accidentally dying from a self harm incident normally is listed as suicide as cause of death by the coroner's office.

Helping Someone Who Self Harms

Other Things To Do Then Self Harm

Pain And Self Harm

Most people when they think about self harm think about the methods that are usually associated with it such as cutting, burning, bruising, picking and a couple more but there is another side to self harm that does not leave any marks at least not visible to the naked eye.

I have exercised off and on for the majority of my adult life with the obvious reason that I want to reach a healthier state but there is another side to it. The types of workouts I do tend to leave my body in a state of pain for a few days afterwards which at times feels like a gift from above for when my brain is fixated on cramping muscles it is not thinking about what is going on in my head. In a warped sort of way it is a mental health vacation.

The psych wards that I have been on at least a few times a week there were days when I just refused to eat and the obvious reason I gave was I just was not hungry where the actual reason is starvation brings upon something new that my brain can concentrate on for awhile. I lost over twenty pounds in under a month during the last psych visit.

There is another section to self harm that a lot of people are guilty of but they do not consider it to be self harm such as setting themselves up in a situation where they know the only outcome is negative which will cause more distress. They could be doing this so they have a viable reason on why their life is running out of control or for a lot of people with long term mental health issues a choice between a positive or negative outcome the negative is going to win for this is what they know best and are more comfortable in. I have been dealing with depression for a long time so it is at a point where it is going to take something major to catch me off guard but positive situations or events always come with a number of strings attached such as how long is this going to last, why is this happening, is someone trying to pull a game on me and the worry that once the happy dust has cleared the drop is going to be awfully painful. I have said this before but it fits here "If I woke up tomorrow with all of my issues gone and I was happy it would most likely drive me insane for I would have no idea what to do.

People have remarked over the course of this blog how I am able to live with four concurrent mental disorders and the simple answer is I really do not know any other way to life as this has been my reality for quite sometime. A strange quirk in my personality is when people start remarking how well I am doing I start looking for ways on a non conscious level to fail. I don't think I do this for attention for that really does not fit but I believe the reason is and I hate to admit it is without the constant struggle in my head, planning to get around obstacles both physical and mental that I would have no idea what to do. Kind of weird that in some ways mental illness is the reason behind my disability but in another way it has become a crutch in other aspects. Sheesh I need a lot of therapy. Take care.

Alternatives To Self Harm

Figured I would end this little series with a list of alternatives to self harm. Yep another older post mainly due to the approaching dental appointment and lack of time. I am working on the monthly mental report for the mental doc tomorrow so I am hoping to post it sometime later today. Anyway on with the list

So the day has not been going well and out of left field comes the thought "You know if you self harm you will feel a lot better". Anyone who has gone through self harm recovery has dealt with urges but what you do with it is what counts. Either you jump back on the run away train or you find something that will make the damn urge to go away. Here is a list of possible solutions to killing the urge.

1. Grab an ice cube and squeeze it in the palm of your hand as hard as you can.

2. Slip an elastic over your wrist and repeatedly snap it.

3. Grab a marker and make slashes across your body that you would normally do with a razor then jump into a hot shower to erase the marks

4. Find someone and stick to them like glue. You don't need to tell them why you are doing this but you may feel better if you do.

5. Free writing. Transfer everything that is in your head, on your chest and bothering your soul onto paper. Some people go one set further and set the paper on fire as an additional way of releasing the emotions.

6. Go for a long walk or a long drive sometimes all a brain needs is fresh air to clear it.

7. Go to a crowded place. Wander around the mall till the urge is gone. One piece of advice here and that is to leave your money, debit card and credit card at home as emotional spending tends to be rather expensive.

8. Exercise. Want your body to feel pain? Do it the healthy way. Step ups are a great way to focus and to sweat out the negative emotions.

9. Find something that keeps your hands busy such as knitting, crocheting, video games or a Rubik's cube if you can find one.

10. Nothing working so far then call 1-800-DONTCUT in the USA, yes its an actual number. In Canada call the Kids Help Line at 1-800-668-6868 who will direct adults to the right place. In the UK call 08457 909090. If anyone knows any other numbers please leave a comment with the information

Urges suck but they are a part of the recovery process and with time they will get easier then eventually disappear. As for me I tend to write posts on self harm when the urges appear, almost five months so I guess it is working. If you are trying to help someone who self harms take a look back at this article. take care

Dealing With Self Harm

I spent a good portion of today using stumbleupon to view the various self harm/self injury/self inflicted violence sites that are out there and I was left shaking my head. The advice given to use when someone in your life that uses this negative coping behavior was almost scary so I figured it was time to make a list of my own in what helps and what doesn't.

1. Using Guilt To Get The Person To Stop - This really really does not work. What it does is sends a message to the individual who is self harming to be more careful in not getting caught the next time. I have seen too many young people who participate on forums saying "I tried to talk to my parents but all they do is make me feel guilty which makes me want to cut more".

2. Saying "Scars last forever" - This might work on someone who has cut once or twice but it loses all of its power after that. Once you past a certain number another scar really does not matter. Personally the use of self harm in my life was done so I will not explode and don't end up taking my own life. Don't really care what I look like in the casket but I am trying to delay it for as long as possible.

3. Ignoring The Marks - Whether it was completely by accident or the person wanted you to see the mark take the opportunity to discuss it with the person. Keep in mind though that the focus should not be on the mark but what led to the action that created the mark.

4. Using Religion - Seen way too many forums where people ask for help and in return a person responds using a quotation from some form of religious writing. Another guilt trip using someone else's words is still a guilt trip that will not work.

5. Not Taking It Seriously - A past post dealt with this which is located here. Whether or not the person is self harming for attention, release or suicidal intent you really do not want to take a chance. A mentally healthy person does not "cure" themselves by inflicting damage on their own body and chances are a major mental health problem is at play. Encourage the person to see a mental health professional or grab them by the ear and drag them to the local emergency room. A self harm accident usually reads suicide on the autopsy report.

6. Help The Person Create A Safety Plan - A main part of this plan should be that you will be there for the person when an urge arises and here is the important aspect you actually need to be there. When I first became sick all of my friends said anytime I needed them they were just a phone call away then apparently changed their phone numbers within a couple of months.

7. Therapy And More Therapy - Long term readers of this blog are now scratching their heads due to my relationships with therapists but when it comes to self harm therapy is very important if the goal is to stop long term. Most people who self harm A) Do not know how to express their emotions in a healthy format so they end up swallowing their pain and then use self harm to release these emotions. The purpose of therapy is to teach the basic skills needed to handle emotions in a healthy way. B) The person does not have a person in their lives who they feel safe or comfortable to really talk too as they are concerned about their image, they do not feel that the people in their life are actually listening to them and they do not want to burden someone else with their problems. A therapist can solve all of these issues by being a safe point for the person to unload on with no fear of judgment or consequence.

8. Relapses Will Happen - Just like in any other form of addiction relapses are almost normal when it comes to recovery. When a relapse happens just brush the person off and encourage them to jump back on the horse. A relapse is not a failure just another hurdle to get over. I met one lady who said she went three months then relapsed then five months then relapsed and all she could focus on was the relapses when from a different perspective she has had a eight month recovery process with two minor relapses. Focus on the positive not the negative.

9. Blaming Self Harm Behavior On Their Friends - I keep seeing too many people push self harm to the side with a comment like "Oh she/he is just trying to fit it" or "It is part of the teen subculture Emo". Think about that for one second. Your young person is so easily influenced by friends or a cultural movement to purposely inflict damage on their bodies. A therapist might say there is self esteem issues at play and so would I and again self injury can be an indicator for a much larger problem that needs to be attended too.

10. The Earlier It Is Caught The Easier It Is Stopped - Self injury tends to start with a major crisis in the persons life but it very quickly becomes the preferred method to any sort of problem large or small. Some people come home from work an grab a drink to unwind I use to grab a razor for the same reason. Catch the problem when it is small and the chances of recovery are significantly higher.

The reason I never use the term "Self Mutilation" for that brings up an image of a drunk teenager writing their girlfriends name on their body with a razor then dumping ink over it to create a home style tattoo. As for your other questions I have been cutting off and on for two decades, it has been around four months since the last time and I have too many scars to count.

* This is an older post that I brought back up for two reasons: (1) The real estate agent has booked a number of appointments today so my time is limited (2) I want to write a post on the way that self harm is concealed which I believe would be a good thing for parents/loved ones/workers to know but at the same time I really do not want to give someone else the information to further conceal the damage they have inflicted on themselves so any feedback would be greatly appreciated here. Take care.

This Week Is Going To Suck

I am rather detailed oriented where I like to have everything planned and laid out well in advance. By being able to do so I can prepare mentally for whatever happens to be written down on the calender. For example I have a dentist appointment on Thursday morning and even though the staff of the dental office are really nice people I know that the time I wake up is going to have to be modified a bit to make sure that the Seroquel has a chance to work before the appointment begins. On Friday is the monthly appointment with my doctor so I know the days leading up to it a slow burning anger is going to begin to build as everything that seems to be wrong with the mental health system in this country this guy seems to personify. The answer to this is to write out absolutely everything in advance of the appointment to make sure that everything I want to be covered is regardless of the emotional state that I happen to be in that day. Through out the past I always seem to go into these appointments with a rage basically on hold just waiting for him to say the wrong thing but what normally happens is my anxiety rate is through the roof so the focus changes from attack to getting the hell out of his office as quickly as I can.

The problem this week and more then likely the coming weeks is the house that I am currently living in is being put on the market so the real estate agent is just going to call out of the blue to set up appointments so complete strangers can wander through my little sanctuary. Sometimes I have a day or so to prepare but in other cases it is only a matter of hours. This lovely little process started on the Friday just passed and lets just say it is a good thing that I have that as needed dose of Seroquel on hand. Not overly crazy that the dose is now up to 350mg most days but at the same time I realize that the med is doing what it is suppose to do which is basically keep me out of trouble. Of course that brings up my other concern which is most of the strides I have made towards recovery have more to do with chemical assistance then anything else. Take away my meds right now and it would be a countdown to an explosion that is guaranteed to leave a mark.

Been dreaming of self harm a lot lately which is not a good thing and I need to figure out quickly where it is coming from before I end up back on that slippery slope. It is one thing to tell your doctor that you briefly loss control over this demon but it is another trying to explain the scratches that cover your body were inflicted while you were asleep.

Yep no doubt about it this week is going to suck. Take care.

Appointment Aftermath

Yesterday was the doctors appointment that I have mentioned for the last few weeks. The intention was to walk through his door and just let him have it. The problem was I had to wait for the appointment, not for long mind you, surrounded by other people in various states of mental distress. By the time I was invited into his office my mindset had switched from confrontational to getting the hell out of that place before my anxiety had a chance to completely take over.

I did hand over the report which he was mildly surprised to see and he actually took the time to read through it. New treatment options were added to keep me more stable through out the day, read more Seroquel, and I did question him about what I was told about the availability of Dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) which was designed to treat primarily people with Borderline Personality Disorder. What my doctor did with this information was play dumb. At first he said he was not aware of any psychologist in the area that was using DBT in their practice which may be possible if he keeps his head completely buried in the sand at all times. Then he said a number of doctors from the mental hospital had undergone DBT training but for one reason or another it was not being implemented into the program, this area being so ass backwards to be honest this almost made sense. The doctor then said DBT is a useful tool but how effective it actually is still remains to be seen and even though there has been a push for it there is no concrete evidence that really supports it ... I just let it go as I was still staring pretty hard at my escape route.

In the report that I handed over I mentioned my little slip in regards to self harm a few weeks ago and the doctor made an odd comment. I was wearing a short sleeve shirt and he said "It is amazing how fast that you heal" to which I replied that I have a four year old son who I do not want to see the marks so I make sure that they are in places that can not be seen easily. You would think as a doctor and with someone like me whose self harm history can be measured in decades plus the initial admission report from the first psych ward stay that remarks of the wide variety of scars that lace my body in all sorts of areas that this would not be something a doctor would spout out. I wonder if my doctor only takes self harm seriously when it is in an obvious place? A theory is the stupid belief that people only harm for attention and not for the other obvious reasons such as it being an indicator of a major mental illness at play but what do I know.

There is some positive news coming out of this complete waste of time of an appointment which is my scale is wrong and I weigh ten pounds less then I thought I did so that is good. Especially when anti psychotics are notorious for weight gain which puts such ailments like diabetes into play. So far on my almost six month span on this med I have managed to lose close to thirty pounds. Take care.

How Times Change

I grew up in an area where most kids underwent some form of abuse at home so I just figured it to be more normal. Kids use to come to school and brag about the ass kicking they took the night before almost like it was a game. The abuse was never hidden and all the teachers knew what was going on but I guess they thought it was not their place to step in or call the authorities.

One day when I was in grade four a lady came to the class and talked about child abuse and how that it was wrong. This counselor said if anyone of use were being abused that we needed to find a adult we trusted as we should not be treated this way. Well the lady left and I caught a beating that day after school by the babysitter so I thought what the lady had said earlier that day. I couldn't tell my parents for chances are I would get my butt kicked again for not "behaving" at the babysitters so the only real person left was my fourth grade teacher.

I summed up the courage and when all the kids went out for recess I explained what happened, asked what to do and showed her the marks across my back. This teacher looked at me and replied "Well if you learn how to listen and behave better then this sort of thing would not happen". I didn't know what to say so I just nodded and left the classroom to head outside. I tried the same approach with another "responsible" adult at a latter date and came up with the same response so I just stopped trying after that.

The fourth grade was also when my self harm history unofficially began as I use to create burn marks on my arms using erasers. What was the purpose? I was punishing myself in the hope that it would make me "good" so people would leave me alone. Needless to say it did not work.

One of the main reasons I entered Social Work was because of the fourth grade incident. I wanted to be in a place where when someone needed help I would not only be there but I would know what to do. Have a funny feeling a good number of mental health professionals chose this field for the same reason.

This post was inspired by Dirty Little Secret a blog that is full of honesty, strength and courage. Go pay her a visit. Take care.

Dealing With The Aftermath Of A Slip

I remember the last major self harm episode like it was yesterday. It was three weeks into a hospital stay and I had been self harming pretty much all along. This day was no different then any others just the same ole stuff that I allowed to build and I needed a way to get it out.

The hospital ID bracelet was the tool of the day and with a small amount of effort I reached that desired point and created another scar that is not going away anytime soon. When it comes to people who have self harmed for a long time there is no such thing as a 100% safe enviroment. Anyway back to the story. For whatever the reason that day something clicked in my head that this was not the answer to my problems and if anything was just creating more difficulties. I decided it was time that I stopped this behavior for good ... again. This was also the day I was introduced to Seroquel and I am sure that had something to do with it as it normally prevents my brain from racing out of control where I then turn to self harm to bring it back down to speed.

It would have been five months yesterday but late last week I slipped then I slipped again. If I was looking for an excuse I doubt it would be too difficult to find but the same reason why I cut is the same as when I was thirteen which is instead of dealing with issues head on I chose to swallow them whole and it lead to a situation where either I took control by cutting or I waited til I exploded so I took the route that I know very well.

So now I am in a position that most people who are striving for recovery from self harm and that is to get back on the horse or accept the monster back into my life. This may sound like an easy choice but it is not for when self harm is present in my life things tend to go a lot smoother as it becomes the answer to everything and unfortunately does the job to well. The other side though is I know that like any addiction it does not take long before it is controlling me. At first it will be a small amount for big problems but like every other time it will end up with me blacking out in the middle of a cutting session and basically throwing my life up in the air without knowing whether or not it will land the right way. I can not forget the last bad cutting session was deemed a suicide attempt by the doctor.

There really is only one option and that is to dust myself off, learn the lessons that were taught and jump back on the horse. Take care

A Mental Health Check Up

I guess it is time that I take a peak at how I am doing mentally to figure out what the next steps should be and if any major changes need to take place.

Mood Swings - It has been a long week and it is really beginning to show through. One second I am enjoying the experience the next I am trying to run away from it. Losing my temper way to quickly over the smallest things is never a good sign as it usually means the depression monster is beginning to gain more and more control. My brain is so use to the antidepressants to give it that extra kick that I am beginning to think that it is time to go back down that road again as the last two months without it have not exactly been pleasant. The question is which one. I still have dental work to be done so that basically gets rid of the MAOI class but problem is I have been through most of the others and none of them lasted long. With Seroquel, an anti psychotic, I am going from not thinking at all to thinking to damn much and neither state is therapeutic.

Sleep - Taking longer and longer to fall asleep but once I do then chances are I will remain in the comatose state for the next ten plus hours. This last week there has been dreams of psych wards and whether it is my brain trying to tell me something or there is no meaning what so ever I don't have a clue. Not really complaining as they are a heck of a lot better then the typical PTSD nightmares where I wake up feeling like I got my butt kicked all night.

Weight - Surprisingly there has been no change in the last month as I seem to be stuck at the 204 mark but mind you a lot of the muscle is beginning to convert back so this should be enough initiative to start exercising on a routine basis but of course the excuse is I need to have energy to do so which is just not there. Keep forgetting to eat outside of the main meal per day which is not good but I am never hungry. Guess the best thing I can do is make out a routine that includes meals and exercising and some how stick to the darn thing. I have a lot of good intentions it is just too bad I seldom follow through for very long. Major change needed here.

Self Harm - The streak still continues but the damn urges are growing more and more intense as time goes on. Mind you I know the reason why and it is pretty simple as there are emotions and situations I am basically ignoring with the stupid thought that it will just disappear. You would think I would know better and I do but that does not seem to make a difference. The BPD part of my brain is there to keep me safe and that includes from myself so when it sees an issue that is capable of causing mental damage it quickly tries to separate from it which is good on some levels but disastrous on others. Some how I need to figure out how to strengthen my emotional coping mechanisms so the need for self harm will go away. Again easier said then done.

Overall - It feels like I am spinning my wheels as I have the pedal pushed to the floor but I do not seem to be moving. One perspective is pointing to medication for that little push which may make all the difference but the majority is pointing towards therapy. Of course when it comes to therapy it is self therapy as every other door appears to be shut but it may be time to start going through different sites and use the resources that are available. DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) seems to be the most obvious starting point now all I have to do is actually do it. take care.

Other Things To Do Then Self Harm

So the day has not been going well and out of left field comes the thought "You know if you self harm you will feel a lot better". Anyone who has gone through self harm recovery has dealt with urges but what you do with it is what counts. Either you jump back on the run away train or you find something that will make the damn urge to go away. Here is a list of possible solutions to killing the urge.

1. Grab an ice cube and squeeze it in the palm of your hand as hard as you can.

2. Slip an elastic over your wrist and repeatedly snap it.

3. Grab a marker and make slashes across your body that you would normally do with a razor then jump into a hot shower to erase the marks

4. Find someone and stick to them like glue. You don't need to tell them why you are doing this but you may feel better if you do.

5. Free writing. Transfer everything that is in your head, on your chest and bothering your soul onto paper. Some people go one set further and set the paper on fire as an additional way of releasing the emotions.

6. Go for a long walk or a long drive sometimes all a brain needs is fresh air to clear it.

7. Go to a crowded place. Wander around the mall till the urge is gone. One piece of advice here and that is to leave your money, debit card and credit card at home as emotional spending tends to be rather expensive.

8. Exercise. Want your body to feel pain? Do it the healthy way. Step ups are a great way to focus and to sweat out the negative emotions.

9. Find something that keeps your hands busy such as knitting, crocheting, video games or a Rubik's cube if you can find one.

10. Nothing working so far then call 1-800-DONTCUT in the USA, yes its an actual number. In Canada call the Kids Help Line at 1-800-668-6868 who will direct adults to the right place. In the UK call 08457 909090. If anyone knows any other numbers please leave a comment with the information

Urges suck but they are a part of the recovery process and with time they will get easier then eventually disappear. As for me I tend to write posts on self harm when the urges appear, almost five months so I guess it is working. If you are trying to help someone who self harms take a look back at this article. take care

An Anniversary

I have spent some time trying to figure out what I was going to do with the official one hundred post milestone. I have decided the best thing to do is to create a list of my ten favorite posts and what they mean to me. So lets get this on the road and here they are in no particular order.

1. Lessons we learn in death

- This post is very recent but if a post taught me anything about getting my life in order then this is it. After I finished writing the article I posted it then did not come back to it for a few hours. When I read it again I was surprised at how much it made sense and then the realization that I have a long way to go.

2. Highs and lows of Borderline Personality Disorder part one / Highs and lows of Borderline Personality Disorder part two

- To me these two posts define BPD and what makes this disorder so incredibly difficult at times. To be honest I have almost deleted each of them on many occasions as they serve as a reminder how a lot of time the decisions I make or made are based on an idea that is not even real but a screwed up perspective. At the same time I think on an educational purpose that is normally not talked about when it comes to BPD.

3. How my personal war effects my son

- This post was incredibly hard to write as it reinforces the message that I am not the parent that I want to be. At the same time my son is the reason why I continue to fight and if I need additional fuel for the battle I just need to go back to this post.

4. Higher education versus real education

- Few of the posts sum up the difficulty of mental illness to the level as well as this particular article does. Not crazy about the way it was written but the raw emotion attached to it puts the post on this list.

5. What not to do when dealing with someone who is mentally unwell

- When this article was written it took a weight off of my chests and I think at the same time it may be beneficial to others helping someone who is unwell.

6. Borderline Personality Disorder

- This article received not a lot of attention in comparison to some of the others but it brought in a good number of emails from people thanking me for writing it. The largest area of concern around BPD is the stigma that surrounds it and I hope this article, and blog, at least makes a dent in it.

7. You want to put electricity in my brain

- This post deals with ECT (Electro Convulsive Therapy) a rather controversial treatment that is still used with regularity today. To me ECT defines how bad depression can be as most people would never allow this procedure to happens but for some people it is not only an option but very tempting as well. This article covers the complete procedure or at least what I remember plus the risks that go along with it. The second part to this article was "Shock Therapy part two"

8. The story in the picture

- This article is centered around a painting of Heath Ledger and what emotions it brings up inside of me. Again a lot of raw emotion and the picture still makes my heart skip a beat.

9. Self Harm or how far I have gone to save my life

- I have addressed self harm numerous times on this blog but none to the level of this article. This is my journey through self harm, the emotion and thoughts behind it and a way to escape from this dangerous behavior.

10. Free Writing

- I spent a long time trying to figure out how to write about a recent event and this is what came of it. When bad times comes back around and I need another reminder of why suicide is the wrong choice I will refer back to this piece of writing.

Well there you have it my so called top ten. I guess a though will pop up in some of my faithful readers minds that I avoided the majority of my "real" personal stories and the only thing I can say is a lot of them have been told to doctor after doctor, nurse after nurse plus a few therapists that they still have an emotional impact but no where near what the tales use to have. Take care.

Self Harm Awareness Day Continued

The first time I left the hospital the therapist set me up with a lady who specializes in PTSD and long term depression cases. Everything was going fine til the third meeting when I made a mistake by being honest. The new therapist asked how I had been since our last meeting and I replied that I had a very bad night which ended up with me taking a razor to my inner forearm causing a good amount of damage. This lady who specialized in difficult cases asked to see my arm and I complied then she said something I will never forget "You are too unstable to treat". The odd thing is for the longest time when I was cutting my mental stability was pretty solid as this negative coping mechanism was a way to allow my inner turmoil out before it lead to me blowing up at someone or ending my life to escape the pain. Not a great way to fight for your life but at least I was fighting.

The one comment about self harm that has always stuck with me and I wish I could remember when I first heard it first goes like this "If you think the scars on the outside are bad you don't want to see the scars on the inside". Self harm is about pain, pain so intense that you are willing to make yourself hurt to make the pain go away. I am talking about emotional pain on a level where I debated with myself about taking a hammer to my hand so my focus could be on the physical and not the emotional. A line from the movie Girl Interrupted sums this up well "to hurt yourself on the outside to kill the thing on the inside"

The stats are all over the place when it comes to self harm/self injury and it is difficult to be pin point accurate as a large percentage of people who self harm will never be seen by a doctor for that reason. The people who do come forward either accidentally went to far or there in the middle of a mental health crisis. Most statistics point at females being the majority of self harmer's which I believe is accurate but not as wide of a difference as most research points. A female is a lot more likely to go to her doctor then a male as it is with a number of mental disorders just do to society standards alone but that is slowly changing.

Hopefully with more awareness of this issue then more people will come forward with their problems relating to self harm and the medical/therapeutic community will have the knowledge to treat instead of the reaction that happens way too often now. Self harm is not a cry for help but it is a scream that needs to be heard.

Self Harm Awareness Day

March 1st is Self Harm Awareness Day across the world. I was seven or eight the first time that I self harmed. At the time I was constantly being punished by adults for being a bad kid so I figured if I would punish myself to make myself good then people would leave me alone. Like I said I was seven or eight. The cutting behavior showed up when I was thirteen in the middle of a suicide attempt. My world at the time was chaotic and full of pain so I chose to end it. With blood coming out of my wrists something happened and all of a sudden I felt much better as my emotions seemed to have left my body mixed with the bodily fluids. For the next twenty years off and on this became my main coping mechanism. There have been times where I went to far and probably should not have walked away. There have been times where I cut for no real reason at all just out of habit. There have been times where self harm "solved" my largest problems and there has been times it was used for the smallest of reasons. Self harm is a major problem in a lot of peoples lives and it needs to be dragged out into the light. If you know someone who self harm wrap them up tight in your arms and remind them that you will always be there when they need you.

Celebrities who have self harmed:
- Johnny Depp
- Amy Winehouse
- Fiona Apple
- Princess Diana
- Colin Farrell
- Angelina Jolie

Helpful Sites regarding self harm/self injury
- S.A.F.E Alternatives
- LifeSIGNS
- Self-Injury: A struggle
- Secret Shame
- Psyke.org
- To write love on her arms

Older posts regarding self harm
- Helping someone who self harms
- Self harm or how far I have gone to save my life
- Self harm - Way too many scars

Helping Someone Who Self Harms

I spent a good portion of today using stumbleupon to view the various self harm/self injury/self inflicted violence sites that are out there and I was left shaking my head. The advice given to use when someone in your life that uses this negative coping behavior was almost scary so I figured it was time to make a list of my own in what helps and what doesn't.

1. Using Guilt To Get The Person To Stop - This really really does not work. What it does is sends a message to the individual who is self harming to be more careful in not getting caught the next time. I have seen too many young people who participate on forums saying "I tried to talk to my parents but all they do is make me feel guilty which makes me want to cut more".

2. Saying "Scars last forever" - This might work on someone who has cut once or twice but it loses all of its power after that. Once you past a certain number another scar really does not matter. Personally the use of self harm in my life was done so I will not explode and don't end up taking my own life. Don't really care what I look like in the casket but I am trying to delay it for as long as possible.

3. Ignoring The Marks - Whether it was completely by accident or the person wanted you to see the mark take the opportunity to discuss it with the person. Keep in mind though that the focus should not be on the mark but what led to the action that created the mark.

4. Using Religion - Seen way too many forums where people ask for help and in return a person responds using a quotation from some form of religious writing. Another guilt trip using someone else's words is still a guilt trip that will not work.

5. Not Taking It Seriously - A past post dealt with this which is located here. Whether or not the person is self harming for attention, release or suicidal intent you really do not want to take a chance. A mentally healthy person does not "cure" themselves by inflicting damage on their own body and chances are a major mental health problem is at play. Encourage the person to see a mental health professional or grab them by the ear and drag them to the local emergency room. A self harm accident usually reads suicide on the autopsy report.

6. Help The Person Create A Safety Plan - A main part of this plan should be that you will be there for the person when an urge arises and here is the important aspect you actually need to be there. When I first became sick all of my friends said anytime I needed them they were just a phone call away then apparently changed their phone numbers within a couple of months.

7. Therapy And More Therapy - Long term readers of this blog are now scratching their heads due to my relationships with therapists but when it comes to self harm therapy is very important if the goal is to stop long term. Most people who self harm A) Do not know how to express their emotions in a healthy format so they end up swallowing their pain and then use self harm to release these emotions. The purpose of therapy is to teach the basic skills needed to handle emotions in a healthy way. B) The person does not have a person in their lives who they feel safe or comfortable to really talk too as they are concerned about their image, they do not feel that the people in their life are actually listening to them and they do not want to burden someone else with their problems. A therapist can solve all of these issues by being a safe point for the person to unload on with no fear of judgment or consequence.

8. Relapses Will Happen - Just like in any other form of addiction relapses are almost normal when it comes to recovery. When a relapse happens just brush the person off and encourage them to jump back on the horse. A relapse is not a failure just another hurdle to get over. I met one lady who said she went three months then relapsed then five months then relapsed and all she could focus on was the relapses when from a different perspective she has had a eight month recovery process with two minor relapses. Focus on the positive not the negative.

9. Blaming Self Harm Behavior On Their Friends - I keep seeing too many people push self harm to the side with a comment like "Oh she/he is just trying to fit it" or "It is part of the teen subculture Emo". Think about that for one second. Your young person is so easily influenced by friends or a cultural movement to purposely inflict damage on their bodies. A therapist might say there is self esteem issues at play and so would I and again self injury can be an indicator for a much larger problem that needs to be attended too.

10. The Earlier It Is Caught The Easier It Is Stopped - Self injury tends to start with a major crisis in the persons life but it very quickly becomes the preferred method to any sort of problem large or small. Some people come home from work an grab a drink to unwind I use to grab a razor for the same reason. Catch the problem when it is small and the chances of recovery are significantly higher.

The reason I never use the term "Self Mutilation" for that brings up an image of a drunk teenager writing their girlfriends name on their body with a razor then dumping ink over it to create a home style tattoo. As for your other questions I have been cutting off and on for two decades, it has been around four months since the last time and I have too many scars to count.

A Flashback Courtesy Of PTSD

Flashbacks are like little movies that seem to appear at any time and within moments send you back to a part of your past that you pray that you can forget. I have a lot of different flashbacks from various periods of my life. Some of which are pretty tame now as I have been dealing with these mini movies for a long time but there are a select few that are just as powerful today as the actual event and will send my mind straight into the emotional straight jacket where I need to fight like hell to get out of.

A twenty second movie that sends you right back into your own personal hell. Some people have turned to street drugs and alcohol to dull their brains in the hope the flashbacks will not appear. Too many people have lost their lives in order to escape from these nightmares. I have undergone grief counseling, have put every single thought/emotion of this event down on paper yet I am still haunted by it as my brain will not allow it to disappear. Seroquel keeps the flashbacks away for the most part but I never know which corner I will turn where this flashback will be waiting for me and instantly turning me into a very small, scared, lost young child.

Loss Of Contact With Reality

When people have a sudden loss of contact with reality it is deemed that they are psychotic or experiencing a psychotic episode. Most people will experience a psychosis at some part of their life but like everything else in mental health there is a scale that measures severity.

When the question appeared about psychotic behavior in the comment section of another post I really did not think that psychoses effected my life but after a quick trip to a bunch of sites I realized the impact was much larger then I thought. Psychosis is a symptom of a high number of mental disorders as well as some physical ailments.

Delusions - Paranoia is a big one here. Remember the story of me searching an empty house with a golf club in hand looking for something that was not there. The majority of this situation can be linked to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Anxiety at the base level but it was a mental delusion that somehow someone entered my home without my knowing that had me searching the house ready to brain the intruder which turned out to be a creaking floor board. Another blog that has dealt with a delusion on the high end is when I thought that I was already dead so I had to hide to make sure death could not find me. Two hours under blankets before my brain could sort that one out.

Hallucinations - This category can effect any one of our senses taste, smell, sight, sound and touch. One of my diagnosis is severe major depressive disorder with psychotic features which means I am depressed and use to hear a voice that was not my own. This lovely little voice never told me what to do rather it encouraged negative behavior. Small things such as "You seem to be awfully stressed so why don't you grab a razor and make yourself feel better" or "Wouldn't it be nice to just lie down and all of your problems go away for good. The pill bottle in front of you can accomplish that" or "Remember when you were seven and..." this one leads to flashbacks which also can be found in the psychotic handbook. As far as visual hallucinations there have been occasions when I think I see something that is not there for example a couple of times I have destroyed my forearm trying to get rid of the bugs under my skin.

Thoughts - This differs from delusions as the thoughts themselves can be fine but what differs is the speed. My most problematic area is that my brain races to a point where I am completely overwhelmed and I will go to extreme lengths to make it stop which is more then not self harm. When I am communicating with others in this state nothing makes sense as I can not focus on one train of thought as there are what seems like millions of disconnected thoughts rushing through my mind. Sometimes I am able to catch it in times but there have been points where my brain just blanks and I have no clue what happened. My last admission can be tied into a psychotic break for I was having a bad day as my brain was spiraling out of control so I grabbed my razor then next thing I knew it I was in the bathroom cleaning cuts that could have ended my life. The next day I walked into my doctors office then pulled up my sleeve and two hours later I was in a hospital bed.

Black Outs - They are unbelievably terrifying and trying to deal with the consequences of them afterwards is difficult. How do you explain to someone your behavior when you have no recollection of the event happening. Not a nice feeling when your brain clicks back on and you can not account for a missing time period. My brain is wired in such a way that the person I will thrust my anger on first is always me and I have a lot of scars to show for it.

It is very difficult to admit to a mental health professional that you need help for depression, PTSD, anxiety or what have you but trying to find the courage to tell my doctor that I was hearing voices and blacking out took a long time because I figured that they would lock me up and throw away the key. Now I take Seroquel three times a day and it has helped in many areas as the inner voice is gone, flashbacks have been reduced and most importantly my brain is not spinning out of control. I have come to the realization that the med class of anti psychotics will always be a part of my life and right now I am fine with that as I can still remember what happens when psychosis runs the show.

A Crash Course On Manipulation And BPD

Manipulation is used on a regular basis when in comes to Borderline Personality Disorder but how it is done and why often differs from person to person. For some reason I will go through the various ways I have used manipulation to serve my false self image.

Ending A Relationship -
- For reasons that only the BPD person knows someone in their life needs to go away and in some cases stay away. The problem is if you hastily end it then you look like the bad guy and chances are guilt will appear both which are not allowed in my mind. I will basically set a trap, leading the other person into a confrontation that will appear to set off a rage (which I completely control) by the time the confrontation is over the other person is in a complete state of shock and confusion while running out the door. Now my mind justifies this as it was the other persons actions that led to the rage and if this person knew me better then they would have respected my boundaries then the confrontation would not have happened. The part where I arranged the whole thing my mind just conveniently forgets. So if I did nothing wrong then there is no reason for guilt and I am still the good guy. My fragile false self image is still intact.

Doctors/Therapists -
- The goal is to keep myself out of the hospital and to do that I need to make sure my risk factor is in check even when its not. My doctor is very predictable and tends to ask the same series of questions every time so I basically rehearse my answers long before the appointment happens. If I feel that I need a med change then I make sure the answers are there to support it but mainly it is about keeping that risk factor low. The questions that I need to watch are those about suicidal ideation and self harm. Suicidal ideation questions are answered with a "No more then normal" which is a complete truth but I also know I have been answering this question the same way for so long I doubt my doctor knows what normal is. Self harm is a bit trickier especially when your still cutting so I make sure it is down played with answers such as "I have it in control" or with the answer "Not very often" but again I know my doctor has asked once to see the marks in the fifty plus times I have seen him so the odds are one my side. Right now I am nearing the four month anniversary of no marks what so ever so the answer is no and it is actually no. I don't lie I just don't show the whole picture and the way the system is designed it is very easy to get away with it

Nurses and Others -
- When I was in the hospital a number of staff believed I was manipulating the nurses and in a way they were right but I will try to show you the reason behind it. I am someone who remembers damn near everything and I appreciate people who are honest and open with me. People are basically classified in two sections safe and not safe. If a person is safe then that is who I will go to with any problem, that is who I will go to with any question or concern and when I am half a step away from crossing the danger line that is who I will seek out. If a nurse is classified as unsafe I will do whatever is possible to avoid any interaction with them as I don't feel like I can trust them so what they get is a bunch of yes or no answers and if they try to push it then chances are a confrontation will happen that will send a clear message it is better to just let me be. How does the classification work? Good question. I ask the same questions to a lot of people then take their answers that forms the groundwork. If the person gives me some generic answer then chances are they are going to the unsafe category for my brain sees it as them looking at the disorder and not at me. I watch them interact with other patients and I can see whether or not their heart is in it and I look for tells that say this person is here for the money and not the patients. Remember I have worked on the other side of the fence so I have a lot of interactions and people to compare it to. There are a lot of good mental professionals out there who are doing it for the right reason but at the same time there are too many who have reached the burnt out stage and need a career change before they end up as a patient. Everything to me is about safety as in keeping myself safe so the people in my life need to care about my well being or they need to go away and everything comes back to trust. If I can not trust you to give me an honest answer on something small then why would I trust you on something big such as my health and well being. I believe everyone in the world does this and if you don't think so ask yourself out of all of the people in your life why do you always go to a select few when you need help. When I am in a hospital setting I need to figure out very quickly who my rocks are so to speak because chances are I am going to need them when the wrong situation arises. I had an extremely bad morning when I was in the hospital and there was no safe staff on duty so I knew I needed to come up with a way where they would understand quickly that I was in danger and needed help. I sat down and scribbled down a note that basically said help me I am in danger and through some peoples perspective it could have been called a suicidal note. I finished the letter and then dropped it on the nurses desk to which a number of them watched me do so then I went to my room and waited for the calvary to come in. Then I waited and waited until I reached a point where either I had to do something to stop myself from ending my battle on a permanent basis or to take that road to a never ending sleep. I hate to say this but self harm saved my life yet again and the damage was to a point where four plus months later it is very easy to see the marks that I caused that day with a poster pin. Two days later my doctor asked me about the note and he was shocked to hear me say "You are the first person to ask me about it". The doctor knows me pretty well and asked if the damage was high to which I nodded my head. Needless to say the nurses on duty at the time of the note received a lecture they won't soon forget. It pays to know who are safe and who are not but unfortunately I do not create the work schedule. When it comes to online dating I do the same thing asking the same simple questions over what ever time period and taking note of different answers all for the same reason I need to know who is safe and I need to know who I can trust. Therapists and doctors will say that the way I see someone will differ from the perspective I am in but that is only half right, the way I see someone that day may differ but I always remember who is safe and unsafe at the core level. The people in my life I try to protect with every ounce of energy that I have and make sure that the relationship is strong and healthy in all areas. To reach that level other people have to go through the testing level and the majority do not make it or last long as my personality is either to strong or they really do not understand who they are as people which is essential when your dealing with me. My mother does not understand how one second a person can be part of my life then the next second they are gone and I have tried to explain the whole safe and unsafe thing to her but she was raised in a manner where it is important to make everyone happy. I have my fathers viewpoint on this one which is there is six billion people on this planet so there is no sense keeping the wrong ones around as there are a lot more to choose from.

A major problem is that a group of people use both self harm and suicidal gestures to gain attention through a form of manipulation which has led others to believe that everyone with Borderline Personality Disorder does this which is not only wrong but dangerous. What happens if what you saw as attention seeking was an actual warning sign of imminent danger? I don't take the chance as if someone tells me they are in danger I pick up the phone and call 911 for my conscious can not handle a missed warning sign. If someone in your life does this call 911 or drag them to the hospital every single time and if it was for attention chances are they will find a new way to get it where the consequences don't involve a police car and a psych ward.

Faking Mental Illness ... WTF?

My blog was mentioned the other day in a non BPD forum and the comment was nice and all but what caught my attention is the person who introduced it said "This man claims to have Borderline Personality Disorder" which struck me as rather odd. Why would someone want to pretend that they have a mental disorder and by the way I am pretty sure this type of behavior qualifies you to have a mental health problem. There is nothing cool associated with having a mental health problem and the only reason I can think of someone creating a diagnosis is to seek attention or to possibly freak other people out on some moronic level.

I have had people question my self harm history and more then one dumb soul wanted to know how many scars I have as a way of qualifying my position. Part of the self harm membership I have never figured out is why people count and then post how many times they cut themselves as if there is a certain amount that you need to accomplish in order to be part of the club. Hate to break it to you one cut and a thousand cuts are the same thing in my book if the intent to cause harm was there then you need to get some professional help.

So how can you tell if the person claiming to have whatever disorder actually has it? Beats the heck out of me but I would imagine if you follow the writing for long enough the truth will come out. I read through my own stuff and can tell what mind frame I was in that day whether it be from a high borderline perspective or a low borderline perspective to a pure depression state to somewhere in between whether or not others can I have no idea. By the way this post is from the high end borderline position but my meds should kick in soon so I am hoping I will go back to whatever my normal level is these days.

Had a doctors appointment late this afternoon where I was not happy to find out that my fluctuating mood levels are part of Nardil withdrawal and it will take a couple of months to clear up. This rattled my cage for a bit since I was only on the drug for maybe three and a half months. The doctor forgot to tell me about that before I started to take the med and he says I fail to think long term. The doctor took procedure number one out of the Canadian Mental Health handbook which is if you can't figure out the problem just keep increasing the dose of their meds and eventually the patient will stop thinking ... I mean complaining. The wonderful drug Seroquel has gone from 75mg three times a day to 100mg three times a day so basically another full dose and in a month time "we" will review it again which probably means another increase. I actually like Seroquel for the most part and it does help in many different ways but stupid me did a quick Google search which led to a number of lawyers who are suing the company for apparently it increases the odds of contracting diabetes and for some odd reason the drug manufacture failed to mention that part.

I probably should apologize for this post now as my mind is going a million miles per hour so I should not be adding to this blog but like everything else on this blog this is my reality so I figured I would share. That is kind of funny I started to apologize then took it back which is a very borderline thing to do but mind you I am not suppose to be aware that this is taking place according to the stigma and my doctor for that matter but what do they know. Have a good night.

Tomorrow Will Be A Better Day. I Hope.

Ever stare in the mirror and not recognize the face looking back at you? Ever search your brain for a happy memory but draw blanks? Ever been in so much pain that you grab a razor to let it out? Ever have suicidal thoughts raging through your brain but you don't have the strength to fight them.? Every spend a day wandering through your life waiting for the next brick to fall? Ever been to the absolute bottom and the only thing that saves you is a face of a child? Welcome to severe depression.

Severe depression is like walking across water where you either push your self to move forward or your going to drown. Spend days after days waiting for the pain to end and waiting for your life to belong to you. People around you start to talk about suicide so you stare at the floor for your eyes would tell the story of where you stand. I don't agree with suicide but my goodness I understand it. I understand the possibility of a sleep where you don't wake up but the pain is gone and the tornado has finally disappeared. Every time I go through a rough period it picks a part my soul and each time I wonder if I have the strength to drag myself out of the black hole or is this the time I seize to fight.

Hope is what keeps you going. The hope that tomorrow will be a better day. The hope that finally you have found the right med that will just give you the edge to finally destroy the monster that is sucking the life out of you. The hope that one day my life will be nice, simple and boring. The hope that one day I can put forward a post that states I have beat this monster once and for all. Hope is all I have left but its enough to get me to tomorrow and a promise I made to my son that I would always be there for him so I continue to fight and hope.

I Should Have Stayed In Bed

From the moment I woke up this morning I pretty much knew my day was going to be of the sucky variety. Got dressed and went to the bathroom where I stared at the mirror for awhile taking notice that the usual spark in my eyes was no where to be seen which is a pretty good indicator that I would have to bare down and fight to get through this particular day. On days like these a lot of time I just hide in my basement and figure out a way for the depression monster to go away for awhile but I needed to fill my prescription so I had no choice but to head out the door.

I was driving to the pharmacy and it had been snowing for quite some time so the roads were a bit slick. The old lady behind me was way to close for my liking so I tapped my brakes a few times which she ignored so I slowed right the heck down as its just one of those days. My patience is shot when the depression flares as all of my energy is focused to make sure I keep some level of control and stability which is why I tend to stay home when it happens as every day society tends to get on my nerves very quickly. I gave my prescription script to the lady and reminded her that I was no longer on Nardil so to ignore that part. So I had to kill ten minutes so I wandered around the large grocery store staring at the ground as I know the look in my eyes was a long way from friendly. I was looking at supplements and vitamins trying to remember what I read online and curious if I was even allowed to take them as technically the Nardil is still in my system and my brain just didn't want to work and my memory which is normally strong as hell was drawing blanks. I went back to the pharmacist section where my order was ready but like usual there was a catch. They could only provide me with twenty one Seroquel pills and I had to return next Tuesday afternoon to pick up the rest of my prescription. I left the store then my brain clicked on and I had to do the math regarding the pills, I take nine Seroquel a day so there was enough in the med container for two days plus a single dose. Thankfully I had some left at home and I have enough to get me to next Tuesday but the part of me that was bothered was the Pharmacist never enquired if I had any at home or not. If tomorrow morning I woke up and realized that all of my Seroquel were gone I would be in very deep trouble quickly as it is the only reason my brain runs at a good speed which has helped keep me on track and has kept the self harm monster at bay but like normal this is my problem and not the pharmacist. Part of me thinks she believes I take it as needed and ignored the part of the prescription form that states they owe me 248 pills. Whatever I have enough to last so I guess thats where my focus should be.

I came back home and I have tried to stay busy. I have responded to a number of posts on different health forums across the web, cleaned the darn house and did whatever else I could to keep my mind off the fact the depression monster is standing behind me and will kick my ass if I stumble. I should have stayed in bed.