A Beef - Self Harm Pictures

I was surfing with Stumbleupon yesterday going through the sites related or tagged with self harm and on several occasions came across blogs that simply put bothered me. The writer of the blog for whatever the reason decided to post pictures of their latest self harm session. Now I do not understand the logic behind showing such images but I do know that:

A) People who are in their own battles may find the pictures triggering which makes the war that much harder

B) The stigma surrounding self harm is that people do it to to gain attention which is not true in the majority of cases but posting images is really not helping the stigma to go away or to be decreased.

C) The actual injury from self harm is the result of a very negative coping mechanism but has little importance in the overall picture. If you want to talk about self harm then discuss what led to the result and ways to prevent it from happening again.

The majority of the sites that I found the person usually says something along the lines of "I have been cutting for a week or so and this is what the last session looks like". If you are cutting it means mentally your unwell and need help remember accidentally dying from a self harm incident normally is listed as suicide as cause of death by the coroner's office.

Helping Someone Who Self Harms

Other Things To Do Then Self Harm

Pain And Self Harm

Most people when they think about self harm think about the methods that are usually associated with it such as cutting, burning, bruising, picking and a couple more but there is another side to self harm that does not leave any marks at least not visible to the naked eye.

I have exercised off and on for the majority of my adult life with the obvious reason that I want to reach a healthier state but there is another side to it. The types of workouts I do tend to leave my body in a state of pain for a few days afterwards which at times feels like a gift from above for when my brain is fixated on cramping muscles it is not thinking about what is going on in my head. In a warped sort of way it is a mental health vacation.

The psych wards that I have been on at least a few times a week there were days when I just refused to eat and the obvious reason I gave was I just was not hungry where the actual reason is starvation brings upon something new that my brain can concentrate on for awhile. I lost over twenty pounds in under a month during the last psych visit.

There is another section to self harm that a lot of people are guilty of but they do not consider it to be self harm such as setting themselves up in a situation where they know the only outcome is negative which will cause more distress. They could be doing this so they have a viable reason on why their life is running out of control or for a lot of people with long term mental health issues a choice between a positive or negative outcome the negative is going to win for this is what they know best and are more comfortable in. I have been dealing with depression for a long time so it is at a point where it is going to take something major to catch me off guard but positive situations or events always come with a number of strings attached such as how long is this going to last, why is this happening, is someone trying to pull a game on me and the worry that once the happy dust has cleared the drop is going to be awfully painful. I have said this before but it fits here "If I woke up tomorrow with all of my issues gone and I was happy it would most likely drive me insane for I would have no idea what to do.

People have remarked over the course of this blog how I am able to live with four concurrent mental disorders and the simple answer is I really do not know any other way to life as this has been my reality for quite sometime. A strange quirk in my personality is when people start remarking how well I am doing I start looking for ways on a non conscious level to fail. I don't think I do this for attention for that really does not fit but I believe the reason is and I hate to admit it is without the constant struggle in my head, planning to get around obstacles both physical and mental that I would have no idea what to do. Kind of weird that in some ways mental illness is the reason behind my disability but in another way it has become a crutch in other aspects. Sheesh I need a lot of therapy. Take care.

Alternatives To Self Harm

Figured I would end this little series with a list of alternatives to self harm. Yep another older post mainly due to the approaching dental appointment and lack of time. I am working on the monthly mental report for the mental doc tomorrow so I am hoping to post it sometime later today. Anyway on with the list

So the day has not been going well and out of left field comes the thought "You know if you self harm you will feel a lot better". Anyone who has gone through self harm recovery has dealt with urges but what you do with it is what counts. Either you jump back on the run away train or you find something that will make the damn urge to go away. Here is a list of possible solutions to killing the urge.

1. Grab an ice cube and squeeze it in the palm of your hand as hard as you can.

2. Slip an elastic over your wrist and repeatedly snap it.

3. Grab a marker and make slashes across your body that you would normally do with a razor then jump into a hot shower to erase the marks

4. Find someone and stick to them like glue. You don't need to tell them why you are doing this but you may feel better if you do.

5. Free writing. Transfer everything that is in your head, on your chest and bothering your soul onto paper. Some people go one set further and set the paper on fire as an additional way of releasing the emotions.

6. Go for a long walk or a long drive sometimes all a brain needs is fresh air to clear it.

7. Go to a crowded place. Wander around the mall till the urge is gone. One piece of advice here and that is to leave your money, debit card and credit card at home as emotional spending tends to be rather expensive.

8. Exercise. Want your body to feel pain? Do it the healthy way. Step ups are a great way to focus and to sweat out the negative emotions.

9. Find something that keeps your hands busy such as knitting, crocheting, video games or a Rubik's cube if you can find one.

10. Nothing working so far then call 1-800-DONTCUT in the USA, yes its an actual number. In Canada call the Kids Help Line at 1-800-668-6868 who will direct adults to the right place. In the UK call 08457 909090. If anyone knows any other numbers please leave a comment with the information

Urges suck but they are a part of the recovery process and with time they will get easier then eventually disappear. As for me I tend to write posts on self harm when the urges appear, almost five months so I guess it is working. If you are trying to help someone who self harms take a look back at this article. take care

Hidden Marks

** This post is intended to help people who are dealing with others in self harm and not new ways to cover marks. Self harm is a negative coping mechanism that can be stopped but the person needs to realize what it is and work towards recovery. If you are triggered by self harm descriptions this would be a good time to find another post to read on my little corner of the web**

In the last three years I have spent roughly ninety days on psych wards. Even though all of the staff knew my self harm history I managed to inflict damage on myself when ever the urge arrived. The first admission was for two months and I do not remember going more then two days without resorting to self harm. For the last admission I cut every day until the last week when Seroquel was introduced.

I started to self harm when I was seven or eight with the belief that if I could punish myself it would make me a better person and then maybe the adults in my life would stop hurting me. Dumb belief but like I said I was seven or eight. Cutting started in the middle of a suicide attempt when for some reason the sight of the blood coming from my wrists seemed to make all of my problems go away. For the next twenty years I have struggled with this monster off and on. I was fifteen or so when I told my family doctor that I was cutting who responded with a lecture where for the next eighteen years I made damn sure no one was going to see the marks so I would not have to go through another guilt tirade. The below list is some ways that marks are concealed.

1. Arms - When I start to cut on my arms it is a sign that I am in deep trouble and I need to do something major to get off of this runaway train. Of all of the available real estate on my body cutting on my arms is just asking for attention which I am trying to avoid at all costs.

2. Distraction - When I went into the hospital both times my arms were covered with marks and they became the focus of the medical staff. So in order to keep self harming I just reopened the wounds on a couple of the marks. By doing this the staff believed my self harm tendencies were in control but while the number of marks on my forearms were healing my attention was on other body parts such as my stomach. Even with my doctor it was easy just to flash the one little mark on my arm and state that I was fully in control when other areas of my body was loaded with damage.

3. Areas that are always covered - Waistlines, ankles, outside of the chest near the armpit, inner thighs and the list goes on. Any place that is normally covered by clothes that can not be accidentally revealed is fair game.

4. I am a documented cutter as it has been the preferred method for way to long so what the medical staff looks for is cutting marks. So when I "accidentally" burn my fingers or what have you it is seen as a accident and never questioned.

5. Inappropriate clothing for the situation. During my hospital stays I always wore long sleeved shirts and the reasoning was I did not want to trigger other patients with the old marks on my arms when in reality I was making sure all of the new marks stayed covered.

There is a unhealthy belief out there that people only self harm for attention which in turn makes it easier for the majority of people who do harm to keep their marks hidden. People who do not self harm basically can not wrap their heads around the idea that someone would purposely cause damage to their own bodies and the thought of it makes them very uncomfortable so they allow their mind to just write off the damage that they see as an accident or they are just seeing something that is not there.

People who self harm come in every shape, age and standing. Most of the people who engage in self harm do not want to be found out and chances are when they do it is by their own choosing as they realize they hit a point where they really need help. Self harm is definitely a secret behavior that needs to be brought out in to the open and people really need to see it for what it is which is not a method to gain attention but a coping mechanism that allows them to get through a difficult situation or to just handle the stress of the day. Some people grab that drink to unwind after work while others grab a razor. Here is a LINK to a report that covers the high rate of suicides at Ivy league schools who use self harm as a coping mechanism and chances are the numbers have always been similar but now it has come out of the closet. Take care.

Dealing With Self Harm

I spent a good portion of today using stumbleupon to view the various self harm/self injury/self inflicted violence sites that are out there and I was left shaking my head. The advice given to use when someone in your life that uses this negative coping behavior was almost scary so I figured it was time to make a list of my own in what helps and what doesn't.

1. Using Guilt To Get The Person To Stop - This really really does not work. What it does is sends a message to the individual who is self harming to be more careful in not getting caught the next time. I have seen too many young people who participate on forums saying "I tried to talk to my parents but all they do is make me feel guilty which makes me want to cut more".

2. Saying "Scars last forever" - This might work on someone who has cut once or twice but it loses all of its power after that. Once you past a certain number another scar really does not matter. Personally the use of self harm in my life was done so I will not explode and don't end up taking my own life. Don't really care what I look like in the casket but I am trying to delay it for as long as possible.

3. Ignoring The Marks - Whether it was completely by accident or the person wanted you to see the mark take the opportunity to discuss it with the person. Keep in mind though that the focus should not be on the mark but what led to the action that created the mark.

4. Using Religion - Seen way too many forums where people ask for help and in return a person responds using a quotation from some form of religious writing. Another guilt trip using someone else's words is still a guilt trip that will not work.

5. Not Taking It Seriously - A past post dealt with this which is located here. Whether or not the person is self harming for attention, release or suicidal intent you really do not want to take a chance. A mentally healthy person does not "cure" themselves by inflicting damage on their own body and chances are a major mental health problem is at play. Encourage the person to see a mental health professional or grab them by the ear and drag them to the local emergency room. A self harm accident usually reads suicide on the autopsy report.

6. Help The Person Create A Safety Plan - A main part of this plan should be that you will be there for the person when an urge arises and here is the important aspect you actually need to be there. When I first became sick all of my friends said anytime I needed them they were just a phone call away then apparently changed their phone numbers within a couple of months.

7. Therapy And More Therapy - Long term readers of this blog are now scratching their heads due to my relationships with therapists but when it comes to self harm therapy is very important if the goal is to stop long term. Most people who self harm A) Do not know how to express their emotions in a healthy format so they end up swallowing their pain and then use self harm to release these emotions. The purpose of therapy is to teach the basic skills needed to handle emotions in a healthy way. B) The person does not have a person in their lives who they feel safe or comfortable to really talk too as they are concerned about their image, they do not feel that the people in their life are actually listening to them and they do not want to burden someone else with their problems. A therapist can solve all of these issues by being a safe point for the person to unload on with no fear of judgment or consequence.

8. Relapses Will Happen - Just like in any other form of addiction relapses are almost normal when it comes to recovery. When a relapse happens just brush the person off and encourage them to jump back on the horse. A relapse is not a failure just another hurdle to get over. I met one lady who said she went three months then relapsed then five months then relapsed and all she could focus on was the relapses when from a different perspective she has had a eight month recovery process with two minor relapses. Focus on the positive not the negative.

9. Blaming Self Harm Behavior On Their Friends - I keep seeing too many people push self harm to the side with a comment like "Oh she/he is just trying to fit it" or "It is part of the teen subculture Emo". Think about that for one second. Your young person is so easily influenced by friends or a cultural movement to purposely inflict damage on their bodies. A therapist might say there is self esteem issues at play and so would I and again self injury can be an indicator for a much larger problem that needs to be attended too.

10. The Earlier It Is Caught The Easier It Is Stopped - Self injury tends to start with a major crisis in the persons life but it very quickly becomes the preferred method to any sort of problem large or small. Some people come home from work an grab a drink to unwind I use to grab a razor for the same reason. Catch the problem when it is small and the chances of recovery are significantly higher.

The reason I never use the term "Self Mutilation" for that brings up an image of a drunk teenager writing their girlfriends name on their body with a razor then dumping ink over it to create a home style tattoo. As for your other questions I have been cutting off and on for two decades, it has been around four months since the last time and I have too many scars to count.

* This is an older post that I brought back up for two reasons: (1) The real estate agent has booked a number of appointments today so my time is limited (2) I want to write a post on the way that self harm is concealed which I believe would be a good thing for parents/loved ones/workers to know but at the same time I really do not want to give someone else the information to further conceal the damage they have inflicted on themselves so any feedback would be greatly appreciated here. Take care.

Dealing With The Aftermath Of A Slip

I remember the last major self harm episode like it was yesterday. It was three weeks into a hospital stay and I had been self harming pretty much all along. This day was no different then any others just the same ole stuff that I allowed to build and I needed a way to get it out.

The hospital ID bracelet was the tool of the day and with a small amount of effort I reached that desired point and created another scar that is not going away anytime soon. When it comes to people who have self harmed for a long time there is no such thing as a 100% safe enviroment. Anyway back to the story. For whatever the reason that day something clicked in my head that this was not the answer to my problems and if anything was just creating more difficulties. I decided it was time that I stopped this behavior for good ... again. This was also the day I was introduced to Seroquel and I am sure that had something to do with it as it normally prevents my brain from racing out of control where I then turn to self harm to bring it back down to speed.

It would have been five months yesterday but late last week I slipped then I slipped again. If I was looking for an excuse I doubt it would be too difficult to find but the same reason why I cut is the same as when I was thirteen which is instead of dealing with issues head on I chose to swallow them whole and it lead to a situation where either I took control by cutting or I waited til I exploded so I took the route that I know very well.

So now I am in a position that most people who are striving for recovery from self harm and that is to get back on the horse or accept the monster back into my life. This may sound like an easy choice but it is not for when self harm is present in my life things tend to go a lot smoother as it becomes the answer to everything and unfortunately does the job to well. The other side though is I know that like any addiction it does not take long before it is controlling me. At first it will be a small amount for big problems but like every other time it will end up with me blacking out in the middle of a cutting session and basically throwing my life up in the air without knowing whether or not it will land the right way. I can not forget the last bad cutting session was deemed a suicide attempt by the doctor.

There really is only one option and that is to dust myself off, learn the lessons that were taught and jump back on the horse. Take care

Other Things To Do Then Self Harm

So the day has not been going well and out of left field comes the thought "You know if you self harm you will feel a lot better". Anyone who has gone through self harm recovery has dealt with urges but what you do with it is what counts. Either you jump back on the run away train or you find something that will make the damn urge to go away. Here is a list of possible solutions to killing the urge.

1. Grab an ice cube and squeeze it in the palm of your hand as hard as you can.

2. Slip an elastic over your wrist and repeatedly snap it.

3. Grab a marker and make slashes across your body that you would normally do with a razor then jump into a hot shower to erase the marks

4. Find someone and stick to them like glue. You don't need to tell them why you are doing this but you may feel better if you do.

5. Free writing. Transfer everything that is in your head, on your chest and bothering your soul onto paper. Some people go one set further and set the paper on fire as an additional way of releasing the emotions.

6. Go for a long walk or a long drive sometimes all a brain needs is fresh air to clear it.

7. Go to a crowded place. Wander around the mall till the urge is gone. One piece of advice here and that is to leave your money, debit card and credit card at home as emotional spending tends to be rather expensive.

8. Exercise. Want your body to feel pain? Do it the healthy way. Step ups are a great way to focus and to sweat out the negative emotions.

9. Find something that keeps your hands busy such as knitting, crocheting, video games or a Rubik's cube if you can find one.

10. Nothing working so far then call 1-800-DONTCUT in the USA, yes its an actual number. In Canada call the Kids Help Line at 1-800-668-6868 who will direct adults to the right place. In the UK call 08457 909090. If anyone knows any other numbers please leave a comment with the information

Urges suck but they are a part of the recovery process and with time they will get easier then eventually disappear. As for me I tend to write posts on self harm when the urges appear, almost five months so I guess it is working. If you are trying to help someone who self harms take a look back at this article. take care

Self Harm Awareness Day Continued

The first time I left the hospital the therapist set me up with a lady who specializes in PTSD and long term depression cases. Everything was going fine til the third meeting when I made a mistake by being honest. The new therapist asked how I had been since our last meeting and I replied that I had a very bad night which ended up with me taking a razor to my inner forearm causing a good amount of damage. This lady who specialized in difficult cases asked to see my arm and I complied then she said something I will never forget "You are too unstable to treat". The odd thing is for the longest time when I was cutting my mental stability was pretty solid as this negative coping mechanism was a way to allow my inner turmoil out before it lead to me blowing up at someone or ending my life to escape the pain. Not a great way to fight for your life but at least I was fighting.

The one comment about self harm that has always stuck with me and I wish I could remember when I first heard it first goes like this "If you think the scars on the outside are bad you don't want to see the scars on the inside". Self harm is about pain, pain so intense that you are willing to make yourself hurt to make the pain go away. I am talking about emotional pain on a level where I debated with myself about taking a hammer to my hand so my focus could be on the physical and not the emotional. A line from the movie Girl Interrupted sums this up well "to hurt yourself on the outside to kill the thing on the inside"

The stats are all over the place when it comes to self harm/self injury and it is difficult to be pin point accurate as a large percentage of people who self harm will never be seen by a doctor for that reason. The people who do come forward either accidentally went to far or there in the middle of a mental health crisis. Most statistics point at females being the majority of self harmer's which I believe is accurate but not as wide of a difference as most research points. A female is a lot more likely to go to her doctor then a male as it is with a number of mental disorders just do to society standards alone but that is slowly changing.

Hopefully with more awareness of this issue then more people will come forward with their problems relating to self harm and the medical/therapeutic community will have the knowledge to treat instead of the reaction that happens way too often now. Self harm is not a cry for help but it is a scream that needs to be heard.

Self Harm Awareness Day

March 1st is Self Harm Awareness Day across the world. I was seven or eight the first time that I self harmed. At the time I was constantly being punished by adults for being a bad kid so I figured if I would punish myself to make myself good then people would leave me alone. Like I said I was seven or eight. The cutting behavior showed up when I was thirteen in the middle of a suicide attempt. My world at the time was chaotic and full of pain so I chose to end it. With blood coming out of my wrists something happened and all of a sudden I felt much better as my emotions seemed to have left my body mixed with the bodily fluids. For the next twenty years off and on this became my main coping mechanism. There have been times where I went to far and probably should not have walked away. There have been times where I cut for no real reason at all just out of habit. There have been times where self harm "solved" my largest problems and there has been times it was used for the smallest of reasons. Self harm is a major problem in a lot of peoples lives and it needs to be dragged out into the light. If you know someone who self harm wrap them up tight in your arms and remind them that you will always be there when they need you.

Celebrities who have self harmed:
- Johnny Depp
- Amy Winehouse
- Fiona Apple
- Princess Diana
- Colin Farrell
- Angelina Jolie

Helpful Sites regarding self harm/self injury
- S.A.F.E Alternatives
- LifeSIGNS
- Self-Injury: A struggle
- Secret Shame
- Psyke.org
- To write love on her arms

Older posts regarding self harm
- Helping someone who self harms
- Self harm or how far I have gone to save my life
- Self harm - Way too many scars

Helping Someone Who Self Harms

I spent a good portion of today using stumbleupon to view the various self harm/self injury/self inflicted violence sites that are out there and I was left shaking my head. The advice given to use when someone in your life that uses this negative coping behavior was almost scary so I figured it was time to make a list of my own in what helps and what doesn't.

1. Using Guilt To Get The Person To Stop - This really really does not work. What it does is sends a message to the individual who is self harming to be more careful in not getting caught the next time. I have seen too many young people who participate on forums saying "I tried to talk to my parents but all they do is make me feel guilty which makes me want to cut more".

2. Saying "Scars last forever" - This might work on someone who has cut once or twice but it loses all of its power after that. Once you past a certain number another scar really does not matter. Personally the use of self harm in my life was done so I will not explode and don't end up taking my own life. Don't really care what I look like in the casket but I am trying to delay it for as long as possible.

3. Ignoring The Marks - Whether it was completely by accident or the person wanted you to see the mark take the opportunity to discuss it with the person. Keep in mind though that the focus should not be on the mark but what led to the action that created the mark.

4. Using Religion - Seen way too many forums where people ask for help and in return a person responds using a quotation from some form of religious writing. Another guilt trip using someone else's words is still a guilt trip that will not work.

5. Not Taking It Seriously - A past post dealt with this which is located here. Whether or not the person is self harming for attention, release or suicidal intent you really do not want to take a chance. A mentally healthy person does not "cure" themselves by inflicting damage on their own body and chances are a major mental health problem is at play. Encourage the person to see a mental health professional or grab them by the ear and drag them to the local emergency room. A self harm accident usually reads suicide on the autopsy report.

6. Help The Person Create A Safety Plan - A main part of this plan should be that you will be there for the person when an urge arises and here is the important aspect you actually need to be there. When I first became sick all of my friends said anytime I needed them they were just a phone call away then apparently changed their phone numbers within a couple of months.

7. Therapy And More Therapy - Long term readers of this blog are now scratching their heads due to my relationships with therapists but when it comes to self harm therapy is very important if the goal is to stop long term. Most people who self harm A) Do not know how to express their emotions in a healthy format so they end up swallowing their pain and then use self harm to release these emotions. The purpose of therapy is to teach the basic skills needed to handle emotions in a healthy way. B) The person does not have a person in their lives who they feel safe or comfortable to really talk too as they are concerned about their image, they do not feel that the people in their life are actually listening to them and they do not want to burden someone else with their problems. A therapist can solve all of these issues by being a safe point for the person to unload on with no fear of judgment or consequence.

8. Relapses Will Happen - Just like in any other form of addiction relapses are almost normal when it comes to recovery. When a relapse happens just brush the person off and encourage them to jump back on the horse. A relapse is not a failure just another hurdle to get over. I met one lady who said she went three months then relapsed then five months then relapsed and all she could focus on was the relapses when from a different perspective she has had a eight month recovery process with two minor relapses. Focus on the positive not the negative.

9. Blaming Self Harm Behavior On Their Friends - I keep seeing too many people push self harm to the side with a comment like "Oh she/he is just trying to fit it" or "It is part of the teen subculture Emo". Think about that for one second. Your young person is so easily influenced by friends or a cultural movement to purposely inflict damage on their bodies. A therapist might say there is self esteem issues at play and so would I and again self injury can be an indicator for a much larger problem that needs to be attended too.

10. The Earlier It Is Caught The Easier It Is Stopped - Self injury tends to start with a major crisis in the persons life but it very quickly becomes the preferred method to any sort of problem large or small. Some people come home from work an grab a drink to unwind I use to grab a razor for the same reason. Catch the problem when it is small and the chances of recovery are significantly higher.

The reason I never use the term "Self Mutilation" for that brings up an image of a drunk teenager writing their girlfriends name on their body with a razor then dumping ink over it to create a home style tattoo. As for your other questions I have been cutting off and on for two decades, it has been around four months since the last time and I have too many scars to count.

Cleansing Of The Mind

It has been a weird and very long day. Woke up this morning and my body felt like someone spent the entire night beating it with a cane as every muscle and bone was on fire. The Seroquel prevents my brain from running off into the manic sunset but it also puts a haze on everything that I see. Not thinking of depression or self injury because I am not thinking. When the drug begins to wear off I find myself in a place in the far corner of my brain so I quickly take that next dose to go back to the land of nothing where I don't have to feel or remember garbage that should be long gone by now. Looking in the mirror is an adventure in itself as I stare and stare yet my brain can barely recognize the broken man staring back. My eyes have lost their sparkle and I can feel the depression demon breathing hard on the back of my neck that is making my blood run cold. The war in my mind has been going on for so long I really do not have a clue what I am fighting for anymore. Can't be fighting for happiness as I have no idea what it is and doubt I would know what to do with it. I know pain and I know misery as they have always been a part of my life hell I came out of the womb swinging with two clenched fists ready to go. My body is covered with scars that can be read like books, the battle to save me volume one to a thousand. Passed the four month mark of being self injury free but it is not as accomplishment just a combination of a med and my inner self who can't be bothered I am probably healthier when I do cut at least then I am making an effort. Staring at the scars from that last session right before I threw my hands up in the air and admitted I was completely out of control and there they are a series of bright pink marks that have not even attempted to fade. A gentle reminder that I was a couple of millimeters to entering that permanent sleep where there is no pain and my emotional turmoil is finally silenced but I am still here today and I will be here tomorrow searching for the missing pieces that will finally put my life back into some sort of order. My disorders have taken my ex wife, my child, my career, my hopes, my dreams, my sense of worth, my self esteem, my stability and all that remains is a skeleton too angry to just fall down and die. There is nothing left to take so is it not time for depression to hit the road and find its next victim or will it not be satisfied until I am six feet under. Tomorrow will be a better day is what they keep telling me but I have been waiting for tomorrow for way too long and I am at the point where I don't believe tomorrow will ever come. Drugs are kicking in so I need to go find my bed so I can lay down and fall into a deep slumber where the nightmares will take over and I will feel every punch and kick in the morning.

Steps That I Have Taken To Beat The Monster

Part of this comes from a thread I started on Healthboards a few months ago to just show the steps I have taken to battle against my mental disorders. The odd thing about the thread is it turned into a good conversation that deals with the ins and outs of Borderline Personality Disorder, 291 posts and almost seven thousand views which is a pretty neat trick.

Anyway here are some of the steps I have taken and hopefully it will help someone else and answer the question of what I have been doing for the last three years.

1. Two voluntary hospitalizations lasting a total of over three months
2. Electro Convulsive Therapy - 5 sessions in 2005 and one sessions in 2007 (the whole forgetting how to breathe stopped this treatment pretty quick
3. Medicine -
(A) Antidepressants - Celexa, Paxil, Remeron, Effexor, Wellbutrin, Nardil, Trazodone
(B) Mood Stabilizers - Lithium
(C) Antipsychotics - Zyprexa, Seroquel, Clozapine
(D) Benzodiazepines - Ativan, Xanax, Valium, Klonopin, Temazepam
4. Diet - Due to the wonderful world of Zyprexa my weight shot up to 270 pounds so the last six months I have made it back to 200
5. Exercise - One day upper, second day lower, third day rest, repeat for the last two months. Missed three days due to Nardil withdrawal
6. Wrote out my entire life history and handed it over to my psych doc so that he would understand me better which made our relationship a lot more productive at least for a while.
7. I tracked every single behavior, emotion, when I took my meds, when I slept all to provide the doc with better information so he would know which dosage would work best plus it allowed me to identify any trends that I could work on or at least prepare for when it came to self injury.
8. Therapists - The best one was during my first hospital admission. The next one dealt with PTSD but once I made the mistake of telling her I cut one night she deemed me too unstable to treat. There were a couple of others who never made it past the third appointment again using self harm to stop my treatment. After the second hospitalization I sent a letter to the CHMA which is the Canadian Health Mental Association asking for their help to find a therapist in the area which they said they would look into, it has been three months now and nothing. Chances are for me to see a therapist I am going to have to accidentally forget my Borderline diagnosis to make it through the door.
9. Education - I spend a lot of time surfing the net studying different therapies, research and what have you then trying to apply it to my own situation.
10. Support - 96 percent of my support comes through online friends who over the years understand me to a higher level then anyone in the really real world as most of my friends have disappeared over the last few years
11. Came up with the perfect treatment plan for me which my doctor supported while I was in the hospital. Problem was the hospital was not equipped to handle some of my need so the decision was made to receive the help in the community. Once in the community I sent the letter to CHMA, applied for a bunch of support groups and nothing came of it. I brought up the situation to my doctor who then stated "I was too borderline for treatment" in other words I am untreatable.
12. Forums and this blog - It gives me a chance to focus on something else plus gain new perspectives on my own situation.

Nice eh. Any way this is some of the steps I have taken in the last three years or so to get to a more stable and better place. Depending on how much my depression is at play decides whether I believe any progress was made at all. I guess the real question is not what have I done to make myself better but what haven't I done.

Mental Health Stigma Equals Body Counts

I was wandering around the web the other day and a picture caught my eye. It was an officer in the United States military and the message included that it was ok for men to admit they are having problems with depression. This is an amazing campaign and I believe and hope in the long run it is going to open the doors to a lot of men looking for treatment both from what they saw and dealt with during conflict and in their return back to the USA. The only problem I have is this campaign was started in 2007 and not decades earlier.

As a young boy you are taught that men are tough, strong and keep their emotions to themselves or else others will see them as weak. This message is taught by the parents, media and then society reinforces it. So when a man is hit by a turmoil of emotions instead of turning for help he tries to deal with it on his own and depending on the severity of the depression may very well decide his future. Instead of going to his doctor he begins to drink or use drugs to nullify the emotions that he is fighting to get buried which may eventually turn into an addiction but in a way that is okay as society sees men who abuse substances in a lot nicer light then those with mental issues even though the two go hand in hand in a very high percentage. Now this man be a functioning addict but what happens when his issues continue to build to the point where he loses his job, his family, his home and finds himself on the street panning for loose change. What happens when this man is tired of starving and freezing so decides to grab a gun to rob a bank or a little old lady. Now he is sitting in a jail cell with no alternate substance to cover his demons so the depression is very apparent ands looks unbeatable. The man has lost his family, friends, material possessions and suicide is a very attractive option when you have nothing left and you want the pain to end. Another jailhouse suicide. Who is at fault? The mental illness definitely holds some responsibility but what about the stigma that led to the decision to follow the wrong path? What would the story be if the man felt comfortable and did not worry whether or not society was going to look down at him so he sought treatment right away. Chances are his story would continue to be written instead of a premature end. The new military campaign is a wonderful act I just wished it started a long time ago.

Dealing with the Borderline Personality Disorder stigma is harder then the actual disorder for you find yourself constantly telling people that you can not sum up everyone with BPD with a simple sentence or assumption. Stigma with this disorder is similar to playing telephone in grade school, one person whispers a sentence in the person who is next to him/her ear then that person passes it along until you reach the end and find out the original message has been so distorted it is difficult to recognize. People takes a couple of bad examples then deems everyone else with the same disorder through one very narrow perspective and then tells all of their friends of this belief who continue to pass it along but it seems like no one stops this communication to actually take the time to understand the disorder so all of this false information is allowed to saturate through society until everyone takes it as common knowledge and then uses it to judge others. If I said I went on vacation to England and managed to have sex with three different women from the area so it must mean all women from this country are very easy and promiscuous then I started to pass out this information to everyone I knew. Would this become the new common knowledge? No because common sense prevails as most people would believe I just got very lucky in more then one way but when this same principal is applied to mental illness common sense is no where to be seen. The best gift that you can give to society is education which will combat the stigma that is created and hopefully prove that the common knowledge is full of errors. Remember when everyone thought that the world was flat or that Aids could be contracted by sitting on a dirty toilet seat or the only way to treat mental illness was lobotomies or that depression only effected women. The stigma can be changed but it is going to take a lot of hard work and education to accomplish it with people standing up and saying "I am sorry but what you believe is wrong. BPD has a wide scale on how it effects a human being so it is impossible to sum up everyone who is suffering under one simple category".

The stigma that goes with self harm/self injury is so unbelievably full of risk that the fact it still remains scars the heck out of me. People believe that others self harm to gain attention so the best answer is to ignore it. I have had people fired over this stigma as I don't believe that you should take the risk as the wrong answer may very well lead to a dead body. A scenario that I see constantly on different forms is a young teenager who in a flurry of emotions took a sharp object to his arm and caused damage to it. The child goes to the parent and says "Hey look what I did when I got upset". The parent instead of realizing this child is screaming for help takes the stigma route and decides the child is just seeking attention so rips the teenager a new one about the damage that they are causing to their body believing that guilt will make the problem goes away. The next time the child hits a crisis he does the same thing except this time he does not tells anyone as he remembered the lecture from the incident before so he makes sure to hide his new marks carefully. I wonder how many suicides were actually cries of help that went unheard because people believed the person was just trying to get attention, I wonder how many self harm accidents were documented as suicides and I wonder when society is going to realize that a mentally sound human being does not purposely hurt themselves no matter of the reason behind it. Your child shows you a cut on his arm that they are responsible for you grab him/her by the ear and drag them to the closest emergency room for this situation it is better to take the approach of covering all bases instead of playing with fire with the belief the child is just seeking attention.

Negative stigma is what kept racism going for so long as well as sexism but as a society we were able to learn that instead of labeling a group as one model instead we take the approach to look at each human being individually so can some one tell me why this does not apply to mental disorders? My neighbor BPD and I share some common characteristics but we are two separate people so please look at the human being and not the disorder when deciding what you think of me as a person.

Self Harm Or How Far I Have Gone To Save My Life

I have addressed this before in a prior post but I am hoping by bringing it back up it is going to shine a new light on a problematic behavior that effects a lot more people then society would like to believe.

I am a cutter who at the moment is in recovery but the term cutter should and can be used to describe anyone who self harms no matter the device or method they prefer to use. In the past I have burnt my flesh, used thumb tacks to draw blood and create ugly scars, have used the patient ID bracelet to cause enough damage where I bled for a good half and hour, have punched concrete walls, banged my wrists on the edges of tables and damn near put my head through a bathroom stall all in order to get my brain to focus on the pain and not the tornado of inner emotions flying around my brain.

There is a ritual that goes along with self harm that is as important as the act itself and people hit their release point at different stages. Some peoples point is when the blood appears or the damage is created and for others it is the act of cleaning the wound and yet for others it is somewhere in the middle. For me it is about the blood and I need to see a lot of it before I reached my own point. Pain for me does not work anymore as my tolerance level is way to high so now it is the idea of as the blood spills out of my body so does everything that is negative as well.

To me there are two types of people who self harm A) Spree Cutters (self harmer's) B) Pure or long term cutters. The spree cutter is someone who does it every once in a while when they are under an obscene amount of stress and normally would never undertake such a behavior but at the moment they are running on pure impulse. The pure cutter has incorporated self harm into their daily lives and it has become routine. Someone may come home from a hard day at the office and grab a drink where your pure cutter will grab a razor but both are seeking the same effect, a way to relax and for a little bit of relief. The spree cutter may or may not be looking for attention but more then likely someone is going to notice the mark they made and confront them hopefully where as the pure cutter knows all of the tricks and insider secrets to make sure that no one finds out about what they are doing to their body as the last thing they want to do is explain to someone why they cut for it is really hard to do as most people do not understand. Also in the pure cutter category chances are they have dealt with a medical professional in the past and the experience has left a bitter taste in their mouths so they are extra careful not to be discovered. If I had to choose between treating a spree cutter or a pure cutter first the spree category wins and it is not a hard choice as your pure cutter is trying to maintain control of their lives where as the spree cutter engages the same act from a position of little to no control so to me they are the ones in the most danger. I don't understand why people react the way they do to others who self harm and trying to make some one feel guilty is the absolute worst thing that you can do which way end up pushing the person over the edge as you just confirmed every doubt in their head. The perspective I use when dealing with someone who has just started to self harm is that this person tried to end their own life to escape the pain that they are in so they need help and to be taken seriously not a lecture on the stupidity of the act. The dumbest approach to use with a pure cutter is the lecture along the lines of look what you are doing to your body for the person in this behavior has so many marks already another one is not going to be a deterrent.

How to stop or greatly reduce self harm in my opinion is to start to teach people at a very early age on how to communicate what they are feeling and offer a place where they can direct this type of dialog with no fear of being judged or ostracized. If a person is able to let go all of the emotions that are inside of them then the risk of them self harming is basically erased for if nothing builds up then there is nothing to release, if they know how to clearly communicate their anger and frustration in a healthy manner they will not turn it back on themselves in a form that causes personal damage.

The notion that people self harm because they do not respect their life is utter nonsense. If someone lets all the emotional turmoil build up inside to the point where they either snap and either badly hurt someone else or they turn it inwards which leads to suicide. Self harm is used to make sure this does not happen that the emotions are not allowed to build to such a level where suicide appears to be a very strong logical choice. Pure cutters are all about control in every aspect and by harming themselves they keep themselves in check for they know if the tornado inside reaches a high enough point and comes out at once it may very well be the last time so they do what they can to prevent it and unfortunately it means they will grab the nearest object that will inflict damage upon themselves. Self harm can be extremely dangerous and accidents do occur but in the "normal" society they are not called accidents but suicides.

For a long term or pure cutter to stop there are two parts to it. The first is to replace the negative coping skill with a more positive one and I am not going to go in it as there are enough lists on other things to do then self harm out there. The second step is all about will power and inner strength as now you need to break the habit that self harm has become and trust me it does not take long for the addiction to begin and I would imagine more then one therapists has heard someones reason for cutting being along the line of "I have no idea why I cut I am just use to doing it". Think how easy it is to make that drink after work to become routine and you get the idea on how fast cutting becomes the same. For awhile after I stop I deal with constant urges and I dream about cutting as it has been a big part of my life for a long time and it feels funny without it for awhile but the longer you get away from it the easier it becomes as long as the rest of your life is not overly dramatic at the time. I keep going back to it when I hit a place mentally that I can get no relief from in any other way so I turn back to the coping mechanism that has always worked and very quickly it is a prominent staple in my world again. Drugs in the anti psychotic class seem to work for a lot of people when they are stopping self harm behavior as you are able to think rationally and the impulse element is low mind you a lot of these meds have their own demons to deal with but just do your homework and find the best one for you.

What is the key to stopping self harm permanently? To find a healthy coping skill that reaches the same type of feelings you get when you self harm and to be able to communicate with someone the emotions that you are feeling before they get a chance to build. This blog is a part of my therapy as it lets me get out my turmoil and at the same time gives me the opportunity to explore certain issues in my life from a new perspective and if I am able to reach out and help or educate someone else then that is just a bonus.

Self Harm - Way too many scars

Yep I am a cutter well technically I am a cutter in recovery.

Trying to pinpoint the exact time I started this dangerous behavior is not easy but I do know it has been part of my life for twenty odd years. The first time I purposely tried to cause harm to my body I was seven or eight and I had grabbed an eraser then continued to rub it against my skin till a mark would appear. People in my life at the time kept saying I was bad then kick my ass so I figured if I would punish myself then it would make me good then people would leave me alone. Great theory but like I said I was eight or so.

When I was twelve or thirteen I think I tried to kill myself. I could not take the inner turmoil and the outside world that just seemed to be in place to destroy me so I made the decision to end it all. Obviously it did not happen but during the process of cutting my wrists open I realized as the blood spilled out of my body I felt better and a cutter was born.

Days when I am at my peak and I can not come up with a way to release all of the emotion that has built up inside my first logical thought is to grab the blade to let it all come out. The scary part is it works way to well but the problem becomes the self harm approach soon becomes the number one coping mechanism that I have that I would turn to way to quick. Some people grab a drink or exercise after work to relax and I grab a sharp object go figure but it accomplishes the same thing.

Self harm for the most part has nothing to do with suicide if anything it is a method that prevents it and trust me that cutting has saved my life way too often. The problem is when you cut when you have little control it becomes too easy too go to far and a cutting session has just turned into a suicide without the intent. Cutting sessions where you black out in the middle and when you come around your body is laced with scars that are way too deep are a little bit on the scary side. My body is covered in scars but it is very easy to tell which ones took place when I had no control.

The other part of self harm that comes to mind is tolerance which is very similar to what drug users experience. After a while you need to increase the damage you do to yourself to get the effect that you are looking for. At the end of a cutting session that lasted over a year I found myself thinking that if I took a hammer and used it on my hand I would feel better as pain is a lot easier to handle then the confusion that is clouding my brain. Thankfully instead of going through with it I managed to scare the hell out of myself which ended the cutting behavior for almost four months until I went back to the blade. The night before my doctors appointment I blacked out during a session and destroyed my arm the next day I walked into the medical office and pulled up my sleeve then simply said "I am out of control. I need help" two hours later I was on the psych floor of the local hospital. I cut or caused damage to my body every single day while I was on the ward, which is what I did at my first admission a couple of years prior, until a new drug was introduced called Seroquel. Seroquel prevents my brain from speeding basically it is a cruise control for my mind for when I get going to quick the only way I know how to slow it down is by the blade. It has been three months since the last time I left a mark on my body which I am rather proud of but I also know if the med quits working on Monday chances are I will be cutting by Wednesday as I still do not have the coping mechanisms in place to handle a difficult situation in a healthy way.

One of the first questions the medical and therapeutic community ask is about suicide attempts which is a fuzzy area in my life. If you are counting the times where I purposely tried to take my own life the number is small but if you include the times when I cut and came way to close to the edge then the number is pretty scary. Self harm has been in place for me to release emotions and keep control of my life but it is also a very slippery slope which makes it to easy to go to far which would end the game on a permanent basis.

The new term for self harm or self injury is self inflicted violence what it should be called is a personal release valve for that is the purpose behind it. People think that the majority of people who take part of this behavior are seeking attention which is false as the majority of us go through great lengths not to be discovered. I have been "caught" once in twenty years and that includes over three months on a psychiatric unit where the staff knew I engaged in this type of behavior. A lot of times when someone shows you their scars or marks they are asking for help to stop not looking for attention.

There are too many sites on the web that promotes self harm which is such a dangerous slope as we should be teaching how to come up with new healthy coping mechanisms and not a behavior where when accidents happen people die then their cause of death is listed as suicide.