The Decision

There are certain drugs in the mental world that tend to bring up quick and fast reaction from those who have taken them. Effexor is one of those meds. This drug maybe the most common talked about subjects on various health boards around the world wide web and a lot of people do not like it. Of course people who do like this drug do not populate the boards for the simple reason they have nothing to complain about. Effexor is one of the stronger acting anti depressants on the market which also means its side effects can be a trip through hell for some people and this is not even including the process of getting off of the damn thing which is known as the discontinuation syndrome.

Here is a list of warnings coming straight from Effexor's manufacture:
* People taking MAOIs should not take EFFEXOR XR.
* All patients taking antidepressants should be watched closely for signs that their condition is getting worse or that they are becoming suicidal, especially when they first start therapy, or when their dose is increased or decreased. Patients should also be watched for becoming agitated, irritable, hostile, aggressive, impulsive, or restless. Such symptoms should be reported to the patient's doctor right away.
* Before starting EFFEXOR XR, tell your doctor if you're taking or plan to take any prescription or over-the-counter drugs, including migraine headache medication, herbal preparations, and nutritional supplements, to avoid a potentially life-threatening condition.
* Taking EFFEXOR XR with aspirin, nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs, warfarin, or other drugs that affect coagulation may increase the risk of bleeding events.
* EFFEXOR XR may raise blood pressure in some patients. Your blood pressure should be controlled before starting treatment and should be monitored regularly.
* Mydriasis (prolonged dilation of the pupil of the eye) has been reported with EFFEXOR XR. You should notify your physician if you have a history of glaucoma or increased eye pressure.
* When people suddenly stop using or quickly lower their daily dose of EFFEXOR XR, discontinuation symptoms may occur. Talk to your doctor before discontinuing or reducing your dose of EFFEXOR XR.
* Pregnant or nursing women shouldn't take any antidepressant without consulting their doctor.
* Until you see how EFFEXOR XR affects you, be careful doing such activities as driving a car or operating machinery. Avoid drinking alcohol while taking EFFEXOR XR.
* In clinical studies, the most common side effects with EFFEXOR XR (reported in at least 10% of patients and at least twice as often as with placebo) were constipation, dizziness, dry mouth, insomnia, loss of appetite, nausea, nervousness, sexual side effects, sleepiness, sweating, and weakness. Ask your doctor if EFFEXOR XR is right for you.

Then of course is the black box warning that seems to be on the box of every antidepressant out there mind you Effexor and Paxil led the way on this one. The problem is there is a chance that your suicidal thinking may increase when starting one of these meds and unfortunately it led to a rather disturbing rise in suicides and suicides attempts hence the black box warning. My theory on this is when your in the middle of a major depressive period the thoughts are there but the energy is no where to be found so after a couple of days on a major antidepressant the damn thoughts are still there but now there is a little boost in energy to actually act on them. The first month of a new antidepressant requires some pretty careful monitoring.

So after that is said and done why would someone basically put themselves in harms way of a potential bad reaction? Simply it is the chance and hope that this may be the piece of the puzzle to pull someone out of the hole that is depression. It is with this last thought in mind that I asked to be put back on Effexor once again.

I took Effexor for close to a year the first time around and my depression towards the end was just getting worse and worse. The problem was along with Effexor I was also taking Wellbutrin, Remeron and Temazapam (Plus about five to six months Zyprexa tagged along til my weight exploded and it had to go) so instead of trying to figure out which med was not carrying its own weight the decision was made to stop all of them and try out a new class of antidepressant. There was also a bad cutting episode that put me into the hospital and then the decision was made regarding the drug therapy switch up.

Back to present time, currently Seroquel is helping with the urges and keeping my brain running at a decent speed but my depression is going the wrong way so I figured it was worth a shot to try Effexor again and the doctor agreed. Now I need to wait the four to six weeks for it to kick in and a couple of months on top of that before I reach a dosage that will hopefully prove to be therapeutic. All I really know is what I have been doing up to this point is not working and it is time for change. Take care.

A Plan For June

Of all the different medication I have been on in the last three years none have worked better then anti psychotics to helping my mental stability. These wonderful little pills keep my brain from speeding, seem to keep both the urges and flashbacks at bay. Of course with everything in life there is the good side and there is the bad side. The side effect that seems to follow anti psychotics is weight gain and if your not careful it can very quickly get out of control and put your risks for diabetes plus other major health risks through the roof.

The first anti psychotic that worked for me was a little white pill called Zyprexa and at the beginning it seemed to be the answer to my difficulties. I have never struggled with weight control so I was not as careful as I should be and before I knew it the weight scale went from 190 to almost 265 pounds in under six months. Against doctors orders I stopped this drug and managed to lose most of the weight in the year that followed but again I was back fighting the psychotic elements of my illness. A real bad cutting session led to a hospitalization where after a few trial and errors Seroquel seemed to be the winner. When I left the hospital the dosage was 25mg three times a day and now six months later the current rate is 100mg three times a day plus a 50mg booster to fill in the gap. I happen to like Seroquel but the scale is starting to creep in the wrong direction so it is time for a plan that will enable me to stay on this med but keep my weight in control at the same time. Here is the exercise routine and diet guidelines that I will start on the second of June:

EXERCISE PROGRAM:
A) Day one - Legs, abs and thirty minutes of aerobic exercise
B) Day two - Back, chest, arms and thirty minutes of aerobic exercise
C) Day three - One hour of aerobic exercise
- repeat

I am going to use a combination of resistance bands and body weight exercises with the aerobic exercise be either biking or roller blading.

DIET
A) No junk food or anything that resembles it
B) Soft drinks will be replaced by water
C) Basic MAOI diet which is essentially fresh food with little to no preservatives

I think the most key area is to eliminate snacking all together and try to get back into following a healthy diet and not the depression diet which is basically whatever requires the least amount of effort.

Well there is the plan that comes into play tomorrow and the reason why I am telling you this is (A) Weight gain is a factor in a lot of mental meds (B) For me personally once I tell someone I am going to do something then the chances of following through is much higher. If anyone has any tips it would be greatly appreciated if they are passed this way. Take care.

This Week Is Going To Suck

I am rather detailed oriented where I like to have everything planned and laid out well in advance. By being able to do so I can prepare mentally for whatever happens to be written down on the calender. For example I have a dentist appointment on Thursday morning and even though the staff of the dental office are really nice people I know that the time I wake up is going to have to be modified a bit to make sure that the Seroquel has a chance to work before the appointment begins. On Friday is the monthly appointment with my doctor so I know the days leading up to it a slow burning anger is going to begin to build as everything that seems to be wrong with the mental health system in this country this guy seems to personify. The answer to this is to write out absolutely everything in advance of the appointment to make sure that everything I want to be covered is regardless of the emotional state that I happen to be in that day. Through out the past I always seem to go into these appointments with a rage basically on hold just waiting for him to say the wrong thing but what normally happens is my anxiety rate is through the roof so the focus changes from attack to getting the hell out of his office as quickly as I can.

The problem this week and more then likely the coming weeks is the house that I am currently living in is being put on the market so the real estate agent is just going to call out of the blue to set up appointments so complete strangers can wander through my little sanctuary. Sometimes I have a day or so to prepare but in other cases it is only a matter of hours. This lovely little process started on the Friday just passed and lets just say it is a good thing that I have that as needed dose of Seroquel on hand. Not overly crazy that the dose is now up to 350mg most days but at the same time I realize that the med is doing what it is suppose to do which is basically keep me out of trouble. Of course that brings up my other concern which is most of the strides I have made towards recovery have more to do with chemical assistance then anything else. Take away my meds right now and it would be a countdown to an explosion that is guaranteed to leave a mark.

Been dreaming of self harm a lot lately which is not a good thing and I need to figure out quickly where it is coming from before I end up back on that slippery slope. It is one thing to tell your doctor that you briefly loss control over this demon but it is another trying to explain the scratches that cover your body were inflicted while you were asleep.

Yep no doubt about it this week is going to suck. Take care.

Appointment Aftermath

Yesterday was the doctors appointment that I have mentioned for the last few weeks. The intention was to walk through his door and just let him have it. The problem was I had to wait for the appointment, not for long mind you, surrounded by other people in various states of mental distress. By the time I was invited into his office my mindset had switched from confrontational to getting the hell out of that place before my anxiety had a chance to completely take over.

I did hand over the report which he was mildly surprised to see and he actually took the time to read through it. New treatment options were added to keep me more stable through out the day, read more Seroquel, and I did question him about what I was told about the availability of Dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) which was designed to treat primarily people with Borderline Personality Disorder. What my doctor did with this information was play dumb. At first he said he was not aware of any psychologist in the area that was using DBT in their practice which may be possible if he keeps his head completely buried in the sand at all times. Then he said a number of doctors from the mental hospital had undergone DBT training but for one reason or another it was not being implemented into the program, this area being so ass backwards to be honest this almost made sense. The doctor then said DBT is a useful tool but how effective it actually is still remains to be seen and even though there has been a push for it there is no concrete evidence that really supports it ... I just let it go as I was still staring pretty hard at my escape route.

In the report that I handed over I mentioned my little slip in regards to self harm a few weeks ago and the doctor made an odd comment. I was wearing a short sleeve shirt and he said "It is amazing how fast that you heal" to which I replied that I have a four year old son who I do not want to see the marks so I make sure that they are in places that can not be seen easily. You would think as a doctor and with someone like me whose self harm history can be measured in decades plus the initial admission report from the first psych ward stay that remarks of the wide variety of scars that lace my body in all sorts of areas that this would not be something a doctor would spout out. I wonder if my doctor only takes self harm seriously when it is in an obvious place? A theory is the stupid belief that people only harm for attention and not for the other obvious reasons such as it being an indicator of a major mental illness at play but what do I know.

There is some positive news coming out of this complete waste of time of an appointment which is my scale is wrong and I weigh ten pounds less then I thought I did so that is good. Especially when anti psychotics are notorious for weight gain which puts such ailments like diabetes into play. So far on my almost six month span on this med I have managed to lose close to thirty pounds. Take care.

Dentist Aftermath

I am sitting here with my face finally completely thawed out, missing one tooth and beginning to feel where the needles entered the inside of my mouth. I was sitting in the dental chair and I was thinking of my grand plan of delaying the Seroquel dosage until right before I left for the appointment. At the time this made sense except for one little part which is Seroquel is an anti psychotic not an anti anxiety, crap. There I am waiting for the doctor and the damn med is kicking in so I am struggling to stay alert till at least the dentist arrives before I go into the Seroquel zone commonly referred to as zombie land. I swear at one point I thought my brain was trying to leave my head as I kept having this weird floating sensation. I can't remember the last time I went through a form of dissociation and actually realized it was happening. Guess my brain was remembering some rather painful past dental experiences and wanted no part of another one that or my meds really need to be adjusted.

The dental staff were amazing and kept asking to make sure that I was okay. They know part of my mental situation such as the depression and anxiety diagnosis plus the meds I am taking. I didn't disclose the borderline personality aspect but it is very rare that I actually do as it is not worth the bother. My son also goes to the same clinic and my ex wife has had nothing but praise for the dentists and their staff plus they have no problem with treating people on ODSP (Ontario Disability Support Program) which unfortunately is an issue in a lot of other dental offices.

Speaking of ODSP the workers had a day of action yesterday that was featured on the local news. It seems they want sixty million dollars from the government but here is the switch as they do not want a bigger paycheck but want to be able to hire more people to better serve their clients as the caseloads are too high right now. Now it is a wait and see game to see how the government responds. Maybe this is a route that more government organizations need to take and maybe if enough people call attention to it then the process of rebuilding the health care system can happen.

The Best Parts Of Having A Mental Illness

The 2.7 million self improvement websites I crossed today on stumbleupon in the last couple of days all said the best action a person can take is to focus on the positive so lets give it a shot.

1. Finding out who your true friends are. Nothing makes people run away faster then the mention of a mental illness. At the beginning everyone sticks around but as time progresses the number gets smaller and smaller until your real friends are left.

2. Finding out what your truly capable of. I never knew how much inner strength or will power I truly had until I became sick. After going to your absolute bottom and some how finding the strength to still fight you find out who you truly are at the core level.

3. Finding out what is important. At one point I had the middle class dream of a nice paycheck and a house with a white picket fence. After the depression tornado took everything away I learned the only thing that really matters are the people in your life for they can never be replaced.

4. The ability to start over. After the mental illness beast has finally left your world you are awarded a second chance of choosing on what kind of life you want to live a luxury the "normal" people can not pull off very easily.

5. The power of knowing. For a very long time I seem to be wandering around in the dark with no visible purpose in my life and I could never figure out why. When the day came and the realization that I was mentally ill a boulder was lifted off of my shoulder for now I had an answer and knew exactly what I had to do to fix it. The purpose of my life is simple and that is to enjoy life as we only get one crack at it.

To be completely honest here I am rather amazed that I was able to think of five reasons and I am sure there is a lot more but Seroquel is working a little bit too well tonight so my brain appears to be running in slow motion.

A Flashback Courtesy Of PTSD

Flashbacks are like little movies that seem to appear at any time and within moments send you back to a part of your past that you pray that you can forget. I have a lot of different flashbacks from various periods of my life. Some of which are pretty tame now as I have been dealing with these mini movies for a long time but there are a select few that are just as powerful today as the actual event and will send my mind straight into the emotional straight jacket where I need to fight like hell to get out of.

A twenty second movie that sends you right back into your own personal hell. Some people have turned to street drugs and alcohol to dull their brains in the hope the flashbacks will not appear. Too many people have lost their lives in order to escape from these nightmares. I have undergone grief counseling, have put every single thought/emotion of this event down on paper yet I am still haunted by it as my brain will not allow it to disappear. Seroquel keeps the flashbacks away for the most part but I never know which corner I will turn where this flashback will be waiting for me and instantly turning me into a very small, scared, lost young child.

Cleansing Of The Mind

It has been a weird and very long day. Woke up this morning and my body felt like someone spent the entire night beating it with a cane as every muscle and bone was on fire. The Seroquel prevents my brain from running off into the manic sunset but it also puts a haze on everything that I see. Not thinking of depression or self injury because I am not thinking. When the drug begins to wear off I find myself in a place in the far corner of my brain so I quickly take that next dose to go back to the land of nothing where I don't have to feel or remember garbage that should be long gone by now. Looking in the mirror is an adventure in itself as I stare and stare yet my brain can barely recognize the broken man staring back. My eyes have lost their sparkle and I can feel the depression demon breathing hard on the back of my neck that is making my blood run cold. The war in my mind has been going on for so long I really do not have a clue what I am fighting for anymore. Can't be fighting for happiness as I have no idea what it is and doubt I would know what to do with it. I know pain and I know misery as they have always been a part of my life hell I came out of the womb swinging with two clenched fists ready to go. My body is covered with scars that can be read like books, the battle to save me volume one to a thousand. Passed the four month mark of being self injury free but it is not as accomplishment just a combination of a med and my inner self who can't be bothered I am probably healthier when I do cut at least then I am making an effort. Staring at the scars from that last session right before I threw my hands up in the air and admitted I was completely out of control and there they are a series of bright pink marks that have not even attempted to fade. A gentle reminder that I was a couple of millimeters to entering that permanent sleep where there is no pain and my emotional turmoil is finally silenced but I am still here today and I will be here tomorrow searching for the missing pieces that will finally put my life back into some sort of order. My disorders have taken my ex wife, my child, my career, my hopes, my dreams, my sense of worth, my self esteem, my stability and all that remains is a skeleton too angry to just fall down and die. There is nothing left to take so is it not time for depression to hit the road and find its next victim or will it not be satisfied until I am six feet under. Tomorrow will be a better day is what they keep telling me but I have been waiting for tomorrow for way too long and I am at the point where I don't believe tomorrow will ever come. Drugs are kicking in so I need to go find my bed so I can lay down and fall into a deep slumber where the nightmares will take over and I will feel every punch and kick in the morning.

Faking Mental Illness ... WTF?

My blog was mentioned the other day in a non BPD forum and the comment was nice and all but what caught my attention is the person who introduced it said "This man claims to have Borderline Personality Disorder" which struck me as rather odd. Why would someone want to pretend that they have a mental disorder and by the way I am pretty sure this type of behavior qualifies you to have a mental health problem. There is nothing cool associated with having a mental health problem and the only reason I can think of someone creating a diagnosis is to seek attention or to possibly freak other people out on some moronic level.

I have had people question my self harm history and more then one dumb soul wanted to know how many scars I have as a way of qualifying my position. Part of the self harm membership I have never figured out is why people count and then post how many times they cut themselves as if there is a certain amount that you need to accomplish in order to be part of the club. Hate to break it to you one cut and a thousand cuts are the same thing in my book if the intent to cause harm was there then you need to get some professional help.

So how can you tell if the person claiming to have whatever disorder actually has it? Beats the heck out of me but I would imagine if you follow the writing for long enough the truth will come out. I read through my own stuff and can tell what mind frame I was in that day whether it be from a high borderline perspective or a low borderline perspective to a pure depression state to somewhere in between whether or not others can I have no idea. By the way this post is from the high end borderline position but my meds should kick in soon so I am hoping I will go back to whatever my normal level is these days.

Had a doctors appointment late this afternoon where I was not happy to find out that my fluctuating mood levels are part of Nardil withdrawal and it will take a couple of months to clear up. This rattled my cage for a bit since I was only on the drug for maybe three and a half months. The doctor forgot to tell me about that before I started to take the med and he says I fail to think long term. The doctor took procedure number one out of the Canadian Mental Health handbook which is if you can't figure out the problem just keep increasing the dose of their meds and eventually the patient will stop thinking ... I mean complaining. The wonderful drug Seroquel has gone from 75mg three times a day to 100mg three times a day so basically another full dose and in a month time "we" will review it again which probably means another increase. I actually like Seroquel for the most part and it does help in many different ways but stupid me did a quick Google search which led to a number of lawyers who are suing the company for apparently it increases the odds of contracting diabetes and for some odd reason the drug manufacture failed to mention that part.

I probably should apologize for this post now as my mind is going a million miles per hour so I should not be adding to this blog but like everything else on this blog this is my reality so I figured I would share. That is kind of funny I started to apologize then took it back which is a very borderline thing to do but mind you I am not suppose to be aware that this is taking place according to the stigma and my doctor for that matter but what do they know. Have a good night.

I Should Have Stayed In Bed

From the moment I woke up this morning I pretty much knew my day was going to be of the sucky variety. Got dressed and went to the bathroom where I stared at the mirror for awhile taking notice that the usual spark in my eyes was no where to be seen which is a pretty good indicator that I would have to bare down and fight to get through this particular day. On days like these a lot of time I just hide in my basement and figure out a way for the depression monster to go away for awhile but I needed to fill my prescription so I had no choice but to head out the door.

I was driving to the pharmacy and it had been snowing for quite some time so the roads were a bit slick. The old lady behind me was way to close for my liking so I tapped my brakes a few times which she ignored so I slowed right the heck down as its just one of those days. My patience is shot when the depression flares as all of my energy is focused to make sure I keep some level of control and stability which is why I tend to stay home when it happens as every day society tends to get on my nerves very quickly. I gave my prescription script to the lady and reminded her that I was no longer on Nardil so to ignore that part. So I had to kill ten minutes so I wandered around the large grocery store staring at the ground as I know the look in my eyes was a long way from friendly. I was looking at supplements and vitamins trying to remember what I read online and curious if I was even allowed to take them as technically the Nardil is still in my system and my brain just didn't want to work and my memory which is normally strong as hell was drawing blanks. I went back to the pharmacist section where my order was ready but like usual there was a catch. They could only provide me with twenty one Seroquel pills and I had to return next Tuesday afternoon to pick up the rest of my prescription. I left the store then my brain clicked on and I had to do the math regarding the pills, I take nine Seroquel a day so there was enough in the med container for two days plus a single dose. Thankfully I had some left at home and I have enough to get me to next Tuesday but the part of me that was bothered was the Pharmacist never enquired if I had any at home or not. If tomorrow morning I woke up and realized that all of my Seroquel were gone I would be in very deep trouble quickly as it is the only reason my brain runs at a good speed which has helped keep me on track and has kept the self harm monster at bay but like normal this is my problem and not the pharmacist. Part of me thinks she believes I take it as needed and ignored the part of the prescription form that states they owe me 248 pills. Whatever I have enough to last so I guess thats where my focus should be.

I came back home and I have tried to stay busy. I have responded to a number of posts on different health forums across the web, cleaned the darn house and did whatever else I could to keep my mind off the fact the depression monster is standing behind me and will kick my ass if I stumble. I should have stayed in bed.

Self Harm Or How Far I Have Gone To Save My Life

I have addressed this before in a prior post but I am hoping by bringing it back up it is going to shine a new light on a problematic behavior that effects a lot more people then society would like to believe.

I am a cutter who at the moment is in recovery but the term cutter should and can be used to describe anyone who self harms no matter the device or method they prefer to use. In the past I have burnt my flesh, used thumb tacks to draw blood and create ugly scars, have used the patient ID bracelet to cause enough damage where I bled for a good half and hour, have punched concrete walls, banged my wrists on the edges of tables and damn near put my head through a bathroom stall all in order to get my brain to focus on the pain and not the tornado of inner emotions flying around my brain.

There is a ritual that goes along with self harm that is as important as the act itself and people hit their release point at different stages. Some peoples point is when the blood appears or the damage is created and for others it is the act of cleaning the wound and yet for others it is somewhere in the middle. For me it is about the blood and I need to see a lot of it before I reached my own point. Pain for me does not work anymore as my tolerance level is way to high so now it is the idea of as the blood spills out of my body so does everything that is negative as well.

To me there are two types of people who self harm A) Spree Cutters (self harmer's) B) Pure or long term cutters. The spree cutter is someone who does it every once in a while when they are under an obscene amount of stress and normally would never undertake such a behavior but at the moment they are running on pure impulse. The pure cutter has incorporated self harm into their daily lives and it has become routine. Someone may come home from a hard day at the office and grab a drink where your pure cutter will grab a razor but both are seeking the same effect, a way to relax and for a little bit of relief. The spree cutter may or may not be looking for attention but more then likely someone is going to notice the mark they made and confront them hopefully where as the pure cutter knows all of the tricks and insider secrets to make sure that no one finds out about what they are doing to their body as the last thing they want to do is explain to someone why they cut for it is really hard to do as most people do not understand. Also in the pure cutter category chances are they have dealt with a medical professional in the past and the experience has left a bitter taste in their mouths so they are extra careful not to be discovered. If I had to choose between treating a spree cutter or a pure cutter first the spree category wins and it is not a hard choice as your pure cutter is trying to maintain control of their lives where as the spree cutter engages the same act from a position of little to no control so to me they are the ones in the most danger. I don't understand why people react the way they do to others who self harm and trying to make some one feel guilty is the absolute worst thing that you can do which way end up pushing the person over the edge as you just confirmed every doubt in their head. The perspective I use when dealing with someone who has just started to self harm is that this person tried to end their own life to escape the pain that they are in so they need help and to be taken seriously not a lecture on the stupidity of the act. The dumbest approach to use with a pure cutter is the lecture along the lines of look what you are doing to your body for the person in this behavior has so many marks already another one is not going to be a deterrent.

How to stop or greatly reduce self harm in my opinion is to start to teach people at a very early age on how to communicate what they are feeling and offer a place where they can direct this type of dialog with no fear of being judged or ostracized. If a person is able to let go all of the emotions that are inside of them then the risk of them self harming is basically erased for if nothing builds up then there is nothing to release, if they know how to clearly communicate their anger and frustration in a healthy manner they will not turn it back on themselves in a form that causes personal damage.

The notion that people self harm because they do not respect their life is utter nonsense. If someone lets all the emotional turmoil build up inside to the point where they either snap and either badly hurt someone else or they turn it inwards which leads to suicide. Self harm is used to make sure this does not happen that the emotions are not allowed to build to such a level where suicide appears to be a very strong logical choice. Pure cutters are all about control in every aspect and by harming themselves they keep themselves in check for they know if the tornado inside reaches a high enough point and comes out at once it may very well be the last time so they do what they can to prevent it and unfortunately it means they will grab the nearest object that will inflict damage upon themselves. Self harm can be extremely dangerous and accidents do occur but in the "normal" society they are not called accidents but suicides.

For a long term or pure cutter to stop there are two parts to it. The first is to replace the negative coping skill with a more positive one and I am not going to go in it as there are enough lists on other things to do then self harm out there. The second step is all about will power and inner strength as now you need to break the habit that self harm has become and trust me it does not take long for the addiction to begin and I would imagine more then one therapists has heard someones reason for cutting being along the line of "I have no idea why I cut I am just use to doing it". Think how easy it is to make that drink after work to become routine and you get the idea on how fast cutting becomes the same. For awhile after I stop I deal with constant urges and I dream about cutting as it has been a big part of my life for a long time and it feels funny without it for awhile but the longer you get away from it the easier it becomes as long as the rest of your life is not overly dramatic at the time. I keep going back to it when I hit a place mentally that I can get no relief from in any other way so I turn back to the coping mechanism that has always worked and very quickly it is a prominent staple in my world again. Drugs in the anti psychotic class seem to work for a lot of people when they are stopping self harm behavior as you are able to think rationally and the impulse element is low mind you a lot of these meds have their own demons to deal with but just do your homework and find the best one for you.

What is the key to stopping self harm permanently? To find a healthy coping skill that reaches the same type of feelings you get when you self harm and to be able to communicate with someone the emotions that you are feeling before they get a chance to build. This blog is a part of my therapy as it lets me get out my turmoil and at the same time gives me the opportunity to explore certain issues in my life from a new perspective and if I am able to reach out and help or educate someone else then that is just a bonus.

The scales of depression

Depression is a bad word and more so when you have to live with it. When you tell someone that your being treated with depression they give you this funny look that basically says "Hey everyone gets depression just stand up, be a man and plow through it" mind you most people hear the bad word they think of a teenager crying because their boyfriend just banged their best friend. To me this is not depression this is the case of the blues that with a little time and a lot of tissue will go away on its own.

I am diagnosed with Severe Major Depressive Disorder with Psychotic features which basically means I am fighting for a life that I have really no interest in saving. I deal with suicidal thoughts on such a regular basis I almost wonder what is wrong when they do not show up. Combine this disorder with my others and I am a sky high risk factor for damn near everything and it means it is beyond difficult to treat effectively. When I say depression I am talking about the type where just getting out of bed is a challenge, you need to remind your self to eat on a daily business and suicide is not only an option but the best idea you have heard about in a long time. Why am I still breathing? Simple answer is I have a four year old child and me taking the easy route out means his life will be effective negatively which is something I am not willing to do. I will live in hell on earth if it means he will have a good life.

People hear my diagnose for this area and the word Psychotic immediately jumps out at them and scares the lights out of them. My Psychotic feature is for a long time I would hear a voice that was not my own inside of my head. This voice would not tell me what to do but would encourage certain behaviors and make sure my good days did not last long. It would have wonderful little comments such as "Wouldn't it be so much easier if you just downed that bottle of pills and just go to sleep for a long time" or "You know every time you cut you always feel so much better afterwards" or to wreck my days comments such as "Remember when so and so did this to you" or "Remember when you walked through the door and saw your father lying in the casket". Not much fun what so ever and you will argue with this damn voice for every waking hour that you have. Took a drug called Zyprexa for a while that shut this voice right up and kept my brain from racing problem was I gained seventy pounds in a six months period so it had to go. Now I take Seroquel which is doing the same thing except for the weight issues mind you I do work out a lot and my antidepressant requires that I follow a pretty strict diet. My Psychotic status does not mean I will stab you with a fork unless you really deserve it then we will see .... I am kidding put the straight jacket away.

I have had a form of depression since I came out of the womb just trace my family tree and there is no doubt where it comes from and why I am cursed with this disorder. There are also situational factors that play into it that are going to require some time on the therapist's couch but since I am also Borderline most of them stay right clear of me. Much easier to treat the simple cases I guess and to the hell with the oath they took.

Self Harm - Way too many scars

Yep I am a cutter well technically I am a cutter in recovery.

Trying to pinpoint the exact time I started this dangerous behavior is not easy but I do know it has been part of my life for twenty odd years. The first time I purposely tried to cause harm to my body I was seven or eight and I had grabbed an eraser then continued to rub it against my skin till a mark would appear. People in my life at the time kept saying I was bad then kick my ass so I figured if I would punish myself then it would make me good then people would leave me alone. Great theory but like I said I was eight or so.

When I was twelve or thirteen I think I tried to kill myself. I could not take the inner turmoil and the outside world that just seemed to be in place to destroy me so I made the decision to end it all. Obviously it did not happen but during the process of cutting my wrists open I realized as the blood spilled out of my body I felt better and a cutter was born.

Days when I am at my peak and I can not come up with a way to release all of the emotion that has built up inside my first logical thought is to grab the blade to let it all come out. The scary part is it works way to well but the problem becomes the self harm approach soon becomes the number one coping mechanism that I have that I would turn to way to quick. Some people grab a drink or exercise after work to relax and I grab a sharp object go figure but it accomplishes the same thing.

Self harm for the most part has nothing to do with suicide if anything it is a method that prevents it and trust me that cutting has saved my life way too often. The problem is when you cut when you have little control it becomes too easy too go to far and a cutting session has just turned into a suicide without the intent. Cutting sessions where you black out in the middle and when you come around your body is laced with scars that are way too deep are a little bit on the scary side. My body is covered in scars but it is very easy to tell which ones took place when I had no control.

The other part of self harm that comes to mind is tolerance which is very similar to what drug users experience. After a while you need to increase the damage you do to yourself to get the effect that you are looking for. At the end of a cutting session that lasted over a year I found myself thinking that if I took a hammer and used it on my hand I would feel better as pain is a lot easier to handle then the confusion that is clouding my brain. Thankfully instead of going through with it I managed to scare the hell out of myself which ended the cutting behavior for almost four months until I went back to the blade. The night before my doctors appointment I blacked out during a session and destroyed my arm the next day I walked into the medical office and pulled up my sleeve then simply said "I am out of control. I need help" two hours later I was on the psych floor of the local hospital. I cut or caused damage to my body every single day while I was on the ward, which is what I did at my first admission a couple of years prior, until a new drug was introduced called Seroquel. Seroquel prevents my brain from speeding basically it is a cruise control for my mind for when I get going to quick the only way I know how to slow it down is by the blade. It has been three months since the last time I left a mark on my body which I am rather proud of but I also know if the med quits working on Monday chances are I will be cutting by Wednesday as I still do not have the coping mechanisms in place to handle a difficult situation in a healthy way.

One of the first questions the medical and therapeutic community ask is about suicide attempts which is a fuzzy area in my life. If you are counting the times where I purposely tried to take my own life the number is small but if you include the times when I cut and came way to close to the edge then the number is pretty scary. Self harm has been in place for me to release emotions and keep control of my life but it is also a very slippery slope which makes it to easy to go to far which would end the game on a permanent basis.

The new term for self harm or self injury is self inflicted violence what it should be called is a personal release valve for that is the purpose behind it. People think that the majority of people who take part of this behavior are seeking attention which is false as the majority of us go through great lengths not to be discovered. I have been "caught" once in twenty years and that includes over three months on a psychiatric unit where the staff knew I engaged in this type of behavior. A lot of times when someone shows you their scars or marks they are asking for help to stop not looking for attention.

There are too many sites on the web that promotes self harm which is such a dangerous slope as we should be teaching how to come up with new healthy coping mechanisms and not a behavior where when accidents happen people die then their cause of death is listed as suicide.