The No No List Regarding Treatment Of The Mentally Unwell

First day of the exercise program is in the books and my legs are currently on fire. Anyway it is another busy house day with people wanting to come and view plus I have to make everything spic and span so I need to get at it. One of my favorite posts from the past:

What Not To Do When Dealing With Someone Who Is Mentally Unwell


1. Baby us - I understand that I am sick and you are trying to help but by treating me like an infant reinforces my own thoughts that I am basically useless

2. Speak louder then normal - I have severe depression, post traumatic stress disorder, borderline personality disorder and generalized anxiety disorder none of which effect my hearing or will get your advice/suggestion/support through quicker

3. Speak to me slower then normal - Again I have multiple of disorders that at time distorts my thinking or perception but none of which affected my intelligence level. Treat me like an idiot and I will make you look stupid.

4. Treat me like I am going to break - A wrong comment or a slight slip is not going to send me running for the deep end. Trust me the garbage I tell myself is a hundred times worse then anything you can say.

5. Use cliches - Telling me to pull up my boots and charge forward or to just focus on the positive reinforces the idea that I need to surround myself with smarter people who understand the difference between a case of the blues and severe depression. If it was that easy do you really think I would still be in the same position.

6. Forget who you are talking too - The person that you remember from five years ago is the same one standing in front of you. When the diagnosis was dropped on me with borderline personality disorder the only thing that changed is now I am fortunate enough to carry a suitcase full of stigma with me. Hate to break it to you but I have always been borderline and the only difference is the way you now look at me.

7. Leave me alone - When a person enters the dark world of depression the first thing they do is isolate themselves to simplify their own world. By giving me space to figure out things on my own reinforces the negative thoughts in my head saying I am alone fighting a battle that I am positive that I will lose. A simple phone call reminds me that there are reasons to keep fighting and that when I need it someone is there.

8. Focus on the disorders - The best part of dealing with other people means I can allow my attention to go elsewhere for a while and not the battle in my head. The story of your child's trip to the library is as helpful to my recovery as any med.

9. Ignore the warning signs - If I am doing something that appears to be negative and on a path that leads to nothing good then be my friend and speak up. I spend so much time in a bad head space that at times I do not realize the danger that I am in as it all seems normal to me.

10. Believe the stigma - According to the borderline stigma I have no heart and I am incapable of appreciating the needs of another human being as I only care what effects me. If this is so then can you explain to me the reason behind this blog where I am literally exposing my soul in order to make life a little bit easier for someone else. I am not an exception to the rule when it comes to borderline but the portrait the stigma portrays is the exception. Always look for the human being and then the disorders not the other way around. Remember mental illness effects one out of five people so tomorrow someone you love could be in my shoes and how would you like people to treat them?

Well there is my top ten and I am sure if my brain was working I could add to it. hope you enjoyed it and take care.

Hidden Marks

** This post is intended to help people who are dealing with others in self harm and not new ways to cover marks. Self harm is a negative coping mechanism that can be stopped but the person needs to realize what it is and work towards recovery. If you are triggered by self harm descriptions this would be a good time to find another post to read on my little corner of the web**

In the last three years I have spent roughly ninety days on psych wards. Even though all of the staff knew my self harm history I managed to inflict damage on myself when ever the urge arrived. The first admission was for two months and I do not remember going more then two days without resorting to self harm. For the last admission I cut every day until the last week when Seroquel was introduced.

I started to self harm when I was seven or eight with the belief that if I could punish myself it would make me a better person and then maybe the adults in my life would stop hurting me. Dumb belief but like I said I was seven or eight. Cutting started in the middle of a suicide attempt when for some reason the sight of the blood coming from my wrists seemed to make all of my problems go away. For the next twenty years I have struggled with this monster off and on. I was fifteen or so when I told my family doctor that I was cutting who responded with a lecture where for the next eighteen years I made damn sure no one was going to see the marks so I would not have to go through another guilt tirade. The below list is some ways that marks are concealed.

1. Arms - When I start to cut on my arms it is a sign that I am in deep trouble and I need to do something major to get off of this runaway train. Of all of the available real estate on my body cutting on my arms is just asking for attention which I am trying to avoid at all costs.

2. Distraction - When I went into the hospital both times my arms were covered with marks and they became the focus of the medical staff. So in order to keep self harming I just reopened the wounds on a couple of the marks. By doing this the staff believed my self harm tendencies were in control but while the number of marks on my forearms were healing my attention was on other body parts such as my stomach. Even with my doctor it was easy just to flash the one little mark on my arm and state that I was fully in control when other areas of my body was loaded with damage.

3. Areas that are always covered - Waistlines, ankles, outside of the chest near the armpit, inner thighs and the list goes on. Any place that is normally covered by clothes that can not be accidentally revealed is fair game.

4. I am a documented cutter as it has been the preferred method for way to long so what the medical staff looks for is cutting marks. So when I "accidentally" burn my fingers or what have you it is seen as a accident and never questioned.

5. Inappropriate clothing for the situation. During my hospital stays I always wore long sleeved shirts and the reasoning was I did not want to trigger other patients with the old marks on my arms when in reality I was making sure all of the new marks stayed covered.

There is a unhealthy belief out there that people only self harm for attention which in turn makes it easier for the majority of people who do harm to keep their marks hidden. People who do not self harm basically can not wrap their heads around the idea that someone would purposely cause damage to their own bodies and the thought of it makes them very uncomfortable so they allow their mind to just write off the damage that they see as an accident or they are just seeing something that is not there.

People who self harm come in every shape, age and standing. Most of the people who engage in self harm do not want to be found out and chances are when they do it is by their own choosing as they realize they hit a point where they really need help. Self harm is definitely a secret behavior that needs to be brought out in to the open and people really need to see it for what it is which is not a method to gain attention but a coping mechanism that allows them to get through a difficult situation or to just handle the stress of the day. Some people grab that drink to unwind after work while others grab a razor. Here is a LINK to a report that covers the high rate of suicides at Ivy league schools who use self harm as a coping mechanism and chances are the numbers have always been similar but now it has come out of the closet. Take care.

Military And Mental Illness

There has been a new study that just came out that states 300,000 US troops suffer from Major Depressive Disorder and/or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder also an additional 300,000 have suffered brain injuries. Out of these numbers only half have sought out treatment. This works out to 18.5 percent of United States troops are suffering from a mental disorder so roughly one in five. Very scary.(MSNBC article)

I wrote the following post near the start of this blog:

PTSD - The disorder that is about to explode

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is not a whole heck of a lot of fun. Basic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is watching or experiencing something tragic or along those line, Chronic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is witnessing or being a part of long term events that have left a major mark on your psyche, think long term abuse or military service on foreign land.

The big thing when it comes to either form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is that your constantly haunted by what you saw or experienced. One minute you are having a great day then some thing triggers the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder monster and the next thing you know it that flashback just sent you back straight to the incident. Try to sleep at night and take a wild guess what you are going to dream about. The purpose of therapy in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is to work through the event so it does not hold so much power and to identify the triggers that set it off.

Triggers are odd things and a lot of the time they are not really obvious. Everyone remembers the old war "comedies" where a loud noise would send the vet running or covering his head, this is a classic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder reaction which is not funny off screen. Triggers can be anything from a certain verbal phrase to an inanimate object to food to smells. There are certain food items that I watch people eat with their hands that almost always puts a flashback going through my head. I have had this trigger for as long as I can remember yet it is as still just as powerful as when it first arrived.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder was discovered, for the lack of a better word, after the first World War as all sorts of soldiers came back with terrifying nightmares and flashbacks burning through their brains except back then it was called Shell Shock. Every single conflict comes with a lot of people returning with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or various substance abuse problems that come from dealing or hiding from the reality of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The therapy has come along way over the last couple of decades or so but unfortunately every time the therapy hits a new level due to an increase in funding for research it is because a major war just took place. I don't know the actual number of soldiers returning with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder but I can guarantee it is a lot higher then the number the government says it is.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a difficult disorder to go to your doctor with as the male ego despises it. How is a big, tough Marine going to tell his doctor that a nightmare is kicking his ass so unfortunately instead of getting help they begin to self medicate, want proof? Remember the Vietnam war ... how many people came back addicted to heroin? What were they trying to forget or avoid? The big bad Post Traumatic Stress Disorder monster that will bring the strongest person to their knees.

Flashbacks are like a mini movies, kind of. Think of a terrible situation then drop yourself into the middle of it but you are powerless to do anything but watch what is taking place. Take a car crash that was severe, the person thankfully makes it through alive, goes through the medical procedures then slowly begins to heal. Something triggers it, could be something like the sound of brakes squealing then all of a sudden that person is back in the car heading straight towards the accident and there is absolutely nothing they can do to change the events but they experience it again and again until they find a way to deal with it which is not easy whatsoever.

The American public is about to get another eye opener when all the soldiers arrive back home and the mental health treatment bill comes into view both for treating Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and for treating the substance abuses that are used to cover up the disorder and to get through the day. It is going to be an expensive lesson that comes with every major conflict and tragedy.

What I Have Learned So Far

This would have been post one hundred if I actually kept all of them but anyways this is as good as time as any for a little recap into what I have learned so far.

1. There is no chance you are going to be able to keep everyone happy all of the time. There has been a couple of posts that brought up less then favorable reviews. This is my fault of not being clear with the intentions of the article but I was not expecting the reaction that it got.

2. Traffic. As this blog grows more and more of the traffic is coming in from search engines but the main source is still stumbleupon. Through this rather helpful tool I have learned articles that I think are good and articles that the stumbleupon users think are good are rarely the same.

3. Other blogs part one. There are so many self improvement sites out there that basically read the same way and are difficult to tell apart. Most of them have the same five to ten goals then for the real answers want you to buy their book or ebook. I guess they may be doing good business as there are a lot of copycats out there.

4. Other blogs part two. There are a lot of people out there in a similar situation to mine that are basically trying to do the same thing which is push for a change when it comes to mental health and the stigma attached to it. These are the ones I try to seek out and have met a number of the writers who willingly expose their souls in order to help someone else. Every week there is a new batch popping up and some last while others just fade away for a variety of different reasons but each one is special and teaches a valuable lesson. Days when I struggle to write a quick visit to one of many sites provides a shot in the arm and a kick in the ass to remind me of the bigger purpose.

5. Stealing. I spent some time at www.xinureturns.com/ which shows the number of sites that are linked to your own plus some other handy tools and I was shocked to see some of my creations on other peoples sites which A) They never asked if they could B) Had nothing to do with the topic. The best example is a golf site that had part of my article "The Story In The Picture". In this particular article I described how I searched my house with a "golf club" in hand in the middle of a paranoia/psychosis moment. I am guessing that the site has some sort of program that scours the net and grabs articles that have basic key words in them. Stealing by proxy is still stealing. I really do not know how to stop the above thefts so if anyone has any ideas please let me know.

I am still in the learning curve when it comes to the world of blogging and have a long way to to go but that is okay as in some ways its part of the fun. Mind you yesterday I was trying to implement a new theme and about half way through had an urge to see how far I could throw the computer but no one ever said it would be easy.

The Reasons Why I Am Untreatableonline

I was over at The Hopeful Borderline who has come back after a brief absence and she was talking about reasons why it is important for people with mental illnesses to speak out but at the same time realize the fall out that may come from running a blog. At one time I started another blog using my real name and it didn't work for a number of reasons so here is why I chose to try again under the name untreatableonline.

1. When I was using my real name I had to take into consideration how the stories I told would effect other family members and it really hampered the information that I tried to share. As untreableonline that is not a concern so I am able to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth without a worry how others would see my family as the reader does not know who they are. Strangely I really do not care if people like me or not but I do care how others treat my family especially when it comes to something that I did or said.

2. Mental Health Professionals - I am not the easiest client on the block and to be quite honest I have no idea if the way my doctor or a past therapists treated me is normal to the way they handle other clients. The last thing I want is someone to walk into my doctors office and think well Doctor X treated untreatable this way so I need to watch out for whatever as by doing so the reader is basically shooting them self in the foot. The other concern is one day I hope to find a therapist who is willing to take me on as a client and I want them to see me and not untreatableonline as there is a lot more to me then what I write about here. Therapy is difficult enough and if my diagnosis don't scare them away the potential of seeing their name attached to this blog will. As for the professionals who have already dealt with me it will not take much effort to match me to this blog but I have to hope they will see what I am trying to accomplish here and not as a personal attack against them.

3. Who I am is really not important. I did not start this blog in the hope that it would lead to better care for me but better care for everyone who is in a similar position. I get a lot of comments about my courage and strength for speaking out which my brain really does not handle well (it is a BPD thing)as I see it like this: I am in a bad position so I can sit here and mope or I can speak out which provides me with a form of self therapy and there is also the chance it may help someone else.

For the readers out there who have been debating whether or not to start their own blog regarding mental illness I would say go for it but really consider the fallout when it comes to using your real name. There is a sort of freedom knowing that a lot of people know your story but none of them would be able to pick you out of a crowd in the "real" world. The goal is to lift the veil off of mental health but not to become the poster boy in the process.

My Daily Visits

Every morning I wake up, run through the normal hygiene routine, grab a apparently healthy nutritional bar and head towards the computer. After going through too many different email accounts, reading comments left from readers is the highlight by the way, I then head towards my favorite blogs which usually inspire me to create my own work so it is time to share them with you.

1. Cracked Head Blog - This particular blog is the type I purposely seek out. Straight forward, open, honest and basically a window into the soul of the author

2. How To Write For The Web - There is a million and writing websites out there but this one stands out to me. It is a joy to read the posts and by the time your done not only are you entertained but chances are learned something as well.

3. I'm A Nice Person - This site is a collection of heart warming stories that is updated on a very regular basis. The reason I visit is pretty self simple as it helps me to focus on the positives in life.

4. Set Our Teachers Free - I just love the way the author writes so I keep going back for more. Great writing plus a wide variety of topics equals a great blog in my opinion.

5. In My Heels - A wonderful blog that makes you a better person simply by reading it. A self improvement blog told straight from the heart.

6. Ringtailed Squealers - I never know what she is going to write about as everything seems to be fair game but what I do know is its always worth the trip to find out.

7. Polar Bear Blog - A great blog about life with all of its ups and down. One moment she has you smiling and the next finds you holding your breath.

8. Avoidance Junkie - I have been a fan of hers from the first time I found her blog. Another great writer whose passion brightly shines through let alone the courage she shows by sharing a piece of her reality.

Anytime I need the urge to write all I need to do is visit one of the blogs listed here and the passion of the writers pushes me to create. There are others on my list which I will get to on a later date but stupid me managed to pull the plastic wrap off a steaming plate of potato's too quickly and burnt two of my fingers so typing is a one hand affair which has reached the point of annoyance. Take care.

An Open Letter To The Therapeutic Community

To all the mental health professionals:

When I entered college to undertake the education required to become a social worker as I wanted to help those in a difficult position. Very early on the Professor stood in front of the class and said the following "As a mental health position you are obligated to treat whoever presents themselves in front of you regardless of the diagnosis or your personal opinions and beliefs. If you are unable to see past the problem and see the human being who needs help then you need to find a different profession". A number of people raised their hands and expressed concern about treating pedophiles, sexual deviants and people with psychopathic behavior. The professor quickly replied a human being with a mental illness is still a human being who deserves the best quality of care that a worker can provide.

A diagnosis is just a tool that is not being used effectively in too many different offices and hospitals across the world. A specific diagnosis is to be used to create a proper treatment plan guideline but not to be used to classify and rule out certain mental disorders and the human beings attached to them. Three years ago it was very easy to find a therapist as my diagnosis was severe major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder and post traumatic stress disorder so it was just a matter of finding a professional with an open slot. Since my last hospitalization the search for a therapist has gone no where as now I have the borderline personality disorder label and I am automatically ruled out before the first appointment can be booked. I have reached a point where I am going to have to hide the BPD diagnosis which is not right but the chances are this is the option I will have to take in order to get the assistance I need to get my life back on track.

Remember why you decided to join this particular field of work and chances are it was to help those in need. Yes treating people with Borderline Personality Disorder is a challenge and can require a lot of work but at the end when this person is in a safe and healthy place the reward will remind you why you chose this career path. I am a father, a son, a friend and a person who has devoted his life to helping others yet when the tides suddenly switched I became a walking diagnosis and no longer seen as a human being who deserves help.

A Disclaimer Of Sorts

*** This blog contains a lot of material that may be potential triggers for some so a little bit of caution is required ***


The problem with putting your soul out into the open is that everyone gets to see it and some will jump to the wrong conclusions which is to be expected. The intent of this blog was never to be a place to come for concrete information surrounding a bunch of different diagnosis but a place where I allow complete strangers into my brain to see the world as I see it. There are and will be posts that will have hit the nail completely on the head but at the same time there are and will be view points that are completely distorted as that is the reality of mental illness.

I am not trying to paint mental illness with a wide brush but give people an idea of what goes through my head and why I do some of the things that I do to serve a specific purpose. There are and will be posts that will completely offend others but at the same time it may help others see an issue more clearly but all I can do is offer my perspective and let others decide.

If you want concrete information about a specific disorder there are a lot of valuable resources out there but if you want to experience mental illness from one persons view then this may be the blog for you. The purpose all along is to share my perspective and hope it shines a different light on an old problem which leads others to question the stigma that is associated with mental illness.

There are a lot of people out there whose whole view of an illness is due to the interaction of one or two people and do not like this blog or me as it does not fit neatly in the box that they have created to put everyone with a specific disorder in. This blog is just me and my life in a odd form of therapy where everything that is on my mind is shared with others.

I am not a doctor/therapist nor do I pretend to be one on TV, I am just a man who is in the middle of a battle with mental illness who decided to make it public in the hope it will help others.

Mental Health Stigma Equals Body Counts

I was wandering around the web the other day and a picture caught my eye. It was an officer in the United States military and the message included that it was ok for men to admit they are having problems with depression. This is an amazing campaign and I believe and hope in the long run it is going to open the doors to a lot of men looking for treatment both from what they saw and dealt with during conflict and in their return back to the USA. The only problem I have is this campaign was started in 2007 and not decades earlier.

As a young boy you are taught that men are tough, strong and keep their emotions to themselves or else others will see them as weak. This message is taught by the parents, media and then society reinforces it. So when a man is hit by a turmoil of emotions instead of turning for help he tries to deal with it on his own and depending on the severity of the depression may very well decide his future. Instead of going to his doctor he begins to drink or use drugs to nullify the emotions that he is fighting to get buried which may eventually turn into an addiction but in a way that is okay as society sees men who abuse substances in a lot nicer light then those with mental issues even though the two go hand in hand in a very high percentage. Now this man be a functioning addict but what happens when his issues continue to build to the point where he loses his job, his family, his home and finds himself on the street panning for loose change. What happens when this man is tired of starving and freezing so decides to grab a gun to rob a bank or a little old lady. Now he is sitting in a jail cell with no alternate substance to cover his demons so the depression is very apparent ands looks unbeatable. The man has lost his family, friends, material possessions and suicide is a very attractive option when you have nothing left and you want the pain to end. Another jailhouse suicide. Who is at fault? The mental illness definitely holds some responsibility but what about the stigma that led to the decision to follow the wrong path? What would the story be if the man felt comfortable and did not worry whether or not society was going to look down at him so he sought treatment right away. Chances are his story would continue to be written instead of a premature end. The new military campaign is a wonderful act I just wished it started a long time ago.

Dealing with the Borderline Personality Disorder stigma is harder then the actual disorder for you find yourself constantly telling people that you can not sum up everyone with BPD with a simple sentence or assumption. Stigma with this disorder is similar to playing telephone in grade school, one person whispers a sentence in the person who is next to him/her ear then that person passes it along until you reach the end and find out the original message has been so distorted it is difficult to recognize. People takes a couple of bad examples then deems everyone else with the same disorder through one very narrow perspective and then tells all of their friends of this belief who continue to pass it along but it seems like no one stops this communication to actually take the time to understand the disorder so all of this false information is allowed to saturate through society until everyone takes it as common knowledge and then uses it to judge others. If I said I went on vacation to England and managed to have sex with three different women from the area so it must mean all women from this country are very easy and promiscuous then I started to pass out this information to everyone I knew. Would this become the new common knowledge? No because common sense prevails as most people would believe I just got very lucky in more then one way but when this same principal is applied to mental illness common sense is no where to be seen. The best gift that you can give to society is education which will combat the stigma that is created and hopefully prove that the common knowledge is full of errors. Remember when everyone thought that the world was flat or that Aids could be contracted by sitting on a dirty toilet seat or the only way to treat mental illness was lobotomies or that depression only effected women. The stigma can be changed but it is going to take a lot of hard work and education to accomplish it with people standing up and saying "I am sorry but what you believe is wrong. BPD has a wide scale on how it effects a human being so it is impossible to sum up everyone who is suffering under one simple category".

The stigma that goes with self harm/self injury is so unbelievably full of risk that the fact it still remains scars the heck out of me. People believe that others self harm to gain attention so the best answer is to ignore it. I have had people fired over this stigma as I don't believe that you should take the risk as the wrong answer may very well lead to a dead body. A scenario that I see constantly on different forms is a young teenager who in a flurry of emotions took a sharp object to his arm and caused damage to it. The child goes to the parent and says "Hey look what I did when I got upset". The parent instead of realizing this child is screaming for help takes the stigma route and decides the child is just seeking attention so rips the teenager a new one about the damage that they are causing to their body believing that guilt will make the problem goes away. The next time the child hits a crisis he does the same thing except this time he does not tells anyone as he remembered the lecture from the incident before so he makes sure to hide his new marks carefully. I wonder how many suicides were actually cries of help that went unheard because people believed the person was just trying to get attention, I wonder how many self harm accidents were documented as suicides and I wonder when society is going to realize that a mentally sound human being does not purposely hurt themselves no matter of the reason behind it. Your child shows you a cut on his arm that they are responsible for you grab him/her by the ear and drag them to the closest emergency room for this situation it is better to take the approach of covering all bases instead of playing with fire with the belief the child is just seeking attention.

Negative stigma is what kept racism going for so long as well as sexism but as a society we were able to learn that instead of labeling a group as one model instead we take the approach to look at each human being individually so can some one tell me why this does not apply to mental disorders? My neighbor BPD and I share some common characteristics but we are two separate people so please look at the human being and not the disorder when deciding what you think of me as a person.

Dating With Mental Disorders

My philosophy is to be open and honest in every circumstance which is a terrible idea when it comes to dating or at least online dating. Early on I let the woman know that I have a couple of quirks in my personality such as four mental disorders then I wait for the excuses to show up in my Inbox why they no longer want to continue the conversation.

The problem with online dating that at the basic level it is superficial at best. Most people just look at the picture and do not even bother to read the description that goes with it. The majority of users at least initially believe they will find the perfect person so their criteria is high and not very realistic which they figure out after awhile.

I have no interest in serial dating so for a long time my profile was very specific to what I was looking for but the criteria level really was not that high or hard to meet. I stated I was looking for a smart, good humored, open and honest woman who knew what she wanted in a long term relationship. Apparently I was asking too much or my intent was aimed in the wrong direction as instead of finding my miss right I ended up being messaged by people who would question what I meant by being open and honest which is a fair question I guess if I really do not think about it so I would reply I do not believe in secrets or false images so if you are thinking about something you share it, if you have a concern bring it up and then we will address it and I do not handle surprises well so I prefer everything to be in front of me so I can see the picture as a whole. Which I think is the way that an adult relationship is suppose to be especially when you are looking long term.

Once the person is past this first stage and the good ones tend to jump right over it with no difficulty a few emails in I explain my current situation which includes my disorders. A lot of people run away screaming, others ask a lot of questions and the rest seem fine with it. The person I am looking for sees me for me and not the disorders, they understand the disorders are part of my life but it does not dictate who I am or the quality of person that I am.

When you go through the forums of different dating sites there is always a thread about dating someone with a mental disorder and a lot of the time why you should avoid people with the Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis and they are harsh. People dated one person with a mental disorder and that is it for anyone else who carries the diagnosis which makes enough sense as dating someone of Italian heritage or whatever and if this person was a prick or a bitch that must mean everyone of that descent must be the same way, the scary part is the volume of people who think this way. I have taken the time to respond to a variety of different forums trying to explain the differences between someone with pure Borderline Personality Disorder and someone who is actively working on making themselves a better person overall by working on the BPD characteristics that may cause difficulty but I may as well be talking to a wall. The part that gets me is that they have no problems with people who are in recovery from Alcohol or Substance Abuse but yet with mental health there is none. People who have long term substance abuse issues nine times out of ten have mental health issues that were present way before they started to drink or do drugs but yet society is quick to forgive them once they get clean then all the negative situations the person were in and caused or quickly forgotten and justified that it was the result of the substance. I read somewhere recently that the number of people who become Alcoholics or Drug Addicts is somewhere in the neighborhood of seventy five percent so when they get clean society treats them like a person who lost his/her way but has found their path but the person with BPD is just a lost cause so which one would you tell people?

People have said why don't I just not tell others that I am suffering from a variety of mental disorders and this is my answer. Right off the bat it goes against the philosophy of how I live my life. Second of all I am considered to be permanently disabled because of my disorders which would be almost impossible to hide without a whole heck of a lot of lying and creative answers. My depression runs in peaks and valleys so if a person is not aware of it the experience can be rather scary and overwhelming so I am looking to make someone happy not to cause them harm. The final reason is when I tell people about my difficulties I get a clear picture of who the person is and whether or not this is someone who can exist in my world, does the person ask a million questions trying to get a full picture of what is before them and who I am or does the person grab a stigma that society has presented then declare that as the real answer without getting to know the person I am. Unless you have taken the time to get to know the person that I am then you do not have the right or enough information to judge me. Nothing is what it appears. I am a post secondary trained social worker who graduated at the top of his class who has helped countless people both on and off the web who fellow coworkers and bosses see as a top worker who is more then capable of handling and making great gains in the most difficult of clients who sees anyone in trouble will take the time and effort to help fix the situation even when he has no clue who the person is and will receive nothing from the encounter but just does it because of a belief that it is your responsibility as a human being to help those in need or do you see me as what is written down on a piece of paper. I spent years working in the field of mental health and during that time not one single fellow professional ever hinted that I was BPD. Since the time I had to stop work due to severe depression I have ran across a number of coworkers and the first question they ask is how I am doing and when am I coming back, when I tell them about the BPD diagnose I get a really weird look and they almost always ask "A they sure? That does not make sense" for who I am does not go along with what society believes a person with BPD should be. If I wanted to I could hide the BPD diagnosis for a very long time with little to no difficulty but again that would not be honest so I rather be alone then go against my inner morals.

One last thing about online dating. The majority of people do not know who they really are nor do they not know what they are really looking for, they have a belief that comes from a high self esteem perception but it is not realistic or real for that matter. Through countless conversations with a whole heck of a lot of people I have come to realize that who a person thinks she is and the person they really are do not have a lot in common in most cases plus the number of people with undiagnosed mental difficulties is pretty high. I am the one with four mental disorders yet I am the stable one of the bunch who knows exactly who he is and does not live a lie, go figure.

Judgemental People Piss Me Off

I was on a forum today on a popular dating site where the discussion was on Borderline Personality Disorder and it was a good reminder how the so called "normal" people of society view this disorder. Almost all of the post were negative and they went on and on about how this one person in their lives left them in a bad place. If it stopped there I more then likely would not have had an issue with it but these people were taking one person and then deeming everyone who has this disorder in the same light which is not only wrong but incredibly stupid. This is like saying there was a mother who had postpartum depression who turned around and butchered her kids must mean that every single person with the same disorder is going to do the exact same thing. Just because one person treated you poorly does not give you the right to judge everyone else who has to live with that disorder. I thought I was doing the right thing by posting my view which basically said there is a scale to every disorder and the people at one end are not the same as the people on the other end so one should be open before slamming the door shut. Which I believe makes sense but you would think that I insulted their intelligence with the responses that came from it, mind you for the most part most of them ruled out all doubt of their IQ level by opening their mouths, all sorts of garbage like Borderline is set in stone and there is no chance of recovery or change so why even bother to take the chance. To believe their statements I would personally have to forget everything I have ever learned in school, everything that I have observed of Borderline Personality Disorder people taking control of their lives and making massive improvements, every psychological study ever completed and of course my own personal journey. This one lady and boy do I use that term lightly said when a former partner is able to say she went out with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder and never realized he had it until the latter stages of the relationship then she will believe that Borderline Personality Disorder is treatable, that sound you hear is her zipper as she is pulling her pants back up as she was speaking out of her ass.

One experience has left her completely judgmental and apparently able to write off everyone that shares the same diagnosis and she is not alone which is the scary part. Doctors, nurses, therapists have volumes of so called professionals who believe the same thing and it does not take you long to figure out which is which. The treatment of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder is not easy and I will never say it is but with the right attitude by both patient and "professional" and a lot of hard work anything is possible but being surrounded by people who will slam you because of three little letters make this battle into a war.

Everyone I meet they find out very quickly that I suffer from a variety of mental illnesses not because my behavior dictates it but because I tell them upfront. Mental illness is part of my life and is something that requires a lot of my attention to keep it going in a positive way but at the same time it does not define who I am as a person. If for whatever the reason this scares them off then so be it and to me it is better to find out sooner then later. If the person can not deal with the fact that I am not perfect then I do not need them in my life and to be completely honest I do not want them in my life.

I am a good person with a huge heart who has dedicated my life to helping others, I have helped countless people get their lives back on track through my work in the field and advice I provide on various forums around the web. I have had a number of people approach and thank me for saving their lives which makes me very uncomfortable as I am doing what any decent human being would have done in the same situation which is help someone in need. Oh yeah I forgot to mention I am textbook Borderline Personality Disorder which means I am not capable of the before mentioned achievements because it would shoot the theory full of holes that the people who suffer from this disorder are evil and only care about themselves. Don't judge the book by the cover, take the time and see what lays inside before making your conclusion as this is what you would hope someone would do with you. It is bad enough I have to fight my disorders but having to fight society every step of the way takes way to much of my energy but if I sit back and not say a word then it will continue so I hope the message I send reaches someone and alters their perception a bit. Making small minds grow.

Borderline Personality Disorder

Ever wanted to know what it feels like to be treated like a leper? Get a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and you will come really close. Doctors, therapists and other people see those three little letters and they run like hell. BPD automatically gives you the reputation of someone who is a master manipulator, only cares about themselves and views the world though a black and white perspective with nothing lying in between. Is this accurate? It depends on the day.

A long time ago a small child became fearful of expressing his emotions to the so called grown ups that were in his life in fear of a response that is far from being pleasant. So what is this child to do? He learns how to survive and the first step is to keep all emotions bottled up inside then to present an image that will keep him safe. This new image begins to create a new personality where on the outside it looks like he is a strong stable person but on the inside it is constant turmoil. This new self image becomes the most important factor in the child's life so he learns how to keep this image appear in a positive light and develops a system to make sure that this image is kept in tact, for the better state of the new personality the better the child feels about himself. Some people are able to let this figure be put to rest when they enter a more positive stable enviroment where the rest of us allow this imaginary person to become very real and dominate all aspects of our lives and end up with the BPD diagnosis.

Living with BPD is all about maintaining that self image that is rocky at the best of times. This inner personality only cares about how the situation is going to effect him. If someone attacks me in the verbal sense my number one priority is to protect my self image so I do what it takes and unfortunately this means entering a "rage" that will send a message to the person that what they are doing is a very bad idea. A rage looks like the person is completely out of control and has the potential of doing anything but like the self image it is meant to protect it is an illusion as the person with BPD is in complete control. The rage is used to send a very clear message that the person has crossed the invisible line that puts my self image in jeopardy which is not allowed as the better off my internal personality is the better off I am overall so I do whatever is necessary to keep it safe .

Manipulation is used to get the response you are looking for either positive or negative. I rehearse every conversation that I may potentially have to make sure that I am ready and that no surprises will arise. A classic case of manipulation is when ending a relationship is I prepare a conversation that will have the other person set off a rage in me then giving me the excuse I am looking for to make the other person go away. By doing this I have no guilt about the relationship as it was the other persons fault even though I controlled every step of the way it ended. My self image is still stable as I did nothing wrong and if the other person knew me better they would not have allowed them selves to be manipulated so I did the right thing by doing it this way. A long as I can justify it from a logical standpoint then I am fine.

Emotions don't exist for the most part in the BPD world and everything comes down to logic no matter how faulty it may be. BPD sufferers deal in a world that consists of yes or no or black or white with nothing that lies in between. The area that is avoided is where emotions exist and it is an area we do not understand as when most people were being taught how to express their feelings we were in a position where the emotions had to be buried so they never had a chance to grow and understand. What we do know is what other people expect from us in an emotional capacity so we learn how to fake it. I can appear as the most loving boyfriend in the history of the planet but like a lot of my life it is an illusion as I learned how to express my so called emotions by reading Cosmo so I know what each gesture is suppose to mean but for the most part it is an act like an actor playing a role.

Everything comes back to the self image. When my self image is at a good level I see the world in a rather positive way and my behavior reflects this. When my self image is having a rough period my depression kicks in to high gear and I have to deal with all the garbage that comes with it. Needless to say for the longest time I would do what ever was possible to make sure that my self image is kept up high and it justifies most of the actions that I take to ensure my inner personality is protected.

The problem that comes with living your life in this fashion is that nothing is real. My inner self image is a perception or how I view myself the confusion is which version of me is looking. Is it my upper self image or my lower self image that is taking it all in but the problem is neither one of them is based in reality but a series of boundaries, limits and rules that were created to make me appear as someone else not who I really am.

A couple of years ago I realized that every thought and behavior I had was not based in reality but what I perceived it to be. So very slowly I went through my head and picked every thought apart to see where it came from then tried to slowly implement change to bring out the real me which has been a royal pain in the ass because basically I had to start over from scratch and at the same time ignore the impulse that is saying if I let the BPD take control my life would be easier and it would be but not very fulfilling.

The medical and therapeutic community treat BPD like it is not treatable and once your beyond a certain point your destined to live the rest of your life in this fashion. Therapy is ineffective or at least BPD is very difficult to treat as someone who has multiple self images quickly switches from one to the other depending on stability. The goal is to finding the real self image then going to work on it. My doctors have called me untreatable but I have full intentions of proving them wrong once again. I have learned how to stop and analyze the situation before responding which has been a massive step that has made the world of difference as before my response would be to best serve my false self image now I see it from a different light and have realized not everything is a an attack so there is no reason to act as such.

A lot of people with BPD will never be diagnosed for the simple reason they do not believe anything is wrong with their logic. People with BPD run huge companies and corporations with success for everything is based off of logic and emotion never comes into play. This is perfect for a lot of work settings but the problems they cross is outside of work as they feel unfulfilled so they end up working way to much or start abusing substances to fill the void inside of them.

I made a decision to become a better person and to get the life that I deserve but to do it I had to admit that everything in my life was faulty and I have been living a lie since I was three years old. It is unfortunate that the battle is that much harder trying to overcome the stigma that comes with the Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis. I am trying to fix myself and a little help would be appreciated not the medical community writing me off as too difficult to treat.