The No No List Regarding Treatment Of The Mentally Unwell

First day of the exercise program is in the books and my legs are currently on fire. Anyway it is another busy house day with people wanting to come and view plus I have to make everything spic and span so I need to get at it. One of my favorite posts from the past:

What Not To Do When Dealing With Someone Who Is Mentally Unwell


1. Baby us - I understand that I am sick and you are trying to help but by treating me like an infant reinforces my own thoughts that I am basically useless

2. Speak louder then normal - I have severe depression, post traumatic stress disorder, borderline personality disorder and generalized anxiety disorder none of which effect my hearing or will get your advice/suggestion/support through quicker

3. Speak to me slower then normal - Again I have multiple of disorders that at time distorts my thinking or perception but none of which affected my intelligence level. Treat me like an idiot and I will make you look stupid.

4. Treat me like I am going to break - A wrong comment or a slight slip is not going to send me running for the deep end. Trust me the garbage I tell myself is a hundred times worse then anything you can say.

5. Use cliches - Telling me to pull up my boots and charge forward or to just focus on the positive reinforces the idea that I need to surround myself with smarter people who understand the difference between a case of the blues and severe depression. If it was that easy do you really think I would still be in the same position.

6. Forget who you are talking too - The person that you remember from five years ago is the same one standing in front of you. When the diagnosis was dropped on me with borderline personality disorder the only thing that changed is now I am fortunate enough to carry a suitcase full of stigma with me. Hate to break it to you but I have always been borderline and the only difference is the way you now look at me.

7. Leave me alone - When a person enters the dark world of depression the first thing they do is isolate themselves to simplify their own world. By giving me space to figure out things on my own reinforces the negative thoughts in my head saying I am alone fighting a battle that I am positive that I will lose. A simple phone call reminds me that there are reasons to keep fighting and that when I need it someone is there.

8. Focus on the disorders - The best part of dealing with other people means I can allow my attention to go elsewhere for a while and not the battle in my head. The story of your child's trip to the library is as helpful to my recovery as any med.

9. Ignore the warning signs - If I am doing something that appears to be negative and on a path that leads to nothing good then be my friend and speak up. I spend so much time in a bad head space that at times I do not realize the danger that I am in as it all seems normal to me.

10. Believe the stigma - According to the borderline stigma I have no heart and I am incapable of appreciating the needs of another human being as I only care what effects me. If this is so then can you explain to me the reason behind this blog where I am literally exposing my soul in order to make life a little bit easier for someone else. I am not an exception to the rule when it comes to borderline but the portrait the stigma portrays is the exception. Always look for the human being and then the disorders not the other way around. Remember mental illness effects one out of five people so tomorrow someone you love could be in my shoes and how would you like people to treat them?

Well there is my top ten and I am sure if my brain was working I could add to it. hope you enjoyed it and take care.

I Don't Get It

Every once in a while I head over to Yahoo's Answers to see what is going on in their mental health section. Normally the questions range from what mental illness do I have to what anti depressants won't wake me fat to how do I stop self harm. The questions or rather responses that tend to get under my skin are those related to suicide.

The suicide questions tend to get a lot of responses and attention but in a good number of the posts people are basically encouraging the original poster to do so. Now I have been on the net long enough to know that there are a group of people who will state that they want to end their lives just to get the attention but what happens if the person who wrote the original thread was reaching out for the very last time in order to get the help and guidance to get through an extremely different period? Suicide is nothing to joke about and for the age group of ten to nineteen, which is the bracket most of the posters fall in to, it is the leading cause of death.

At one time the comments on this blog were left wide open but after I wrote a piece about suicide a number of people took the time to write that I should basically do myself a favor and just end my life. Of course all of the comments were from an anonymous user and I had a very strong feeling it was some teenager who is not smart enough to realize that karma is a bitch but it still made me switch over the comments to the moderated function that it is now for I was concerned that someone would leave a comment straight from their soul then have someone else follow with a completely inappropriate comment. I already carry too much luggage around and really do not want to add to it.

Internet courage seems to be the new problem of the day that is causing problems straight across the net. People making statements that they would never make in person but able to do so for they are protected by the computer screen and a anonymous handle.

I am going to wrap this up by saying to all of those people who think that leaving a smart ass comment is funny try to put yourself in the other persons shoes before responding. How would you feel if you or someone close to you opened their heart up online, for getting help in person is not an easy thing to do, then having someone basically reply that your life is meaningless and you should end it now. Yes I know that there are trolls out there just seeking attention and trying to stir up the pot but what happens when attention seeking is actually a cry for help that is played off by others? Like I said before karma is a bitch. Take care.

Suicide

Suicide has popped back up into the landscape of my family as someone who is connected at a distance made the choice to take his own life. I hate talking about suicide and there are a couple of reasons for this: A) Suicide is a reality in my life and when you look at the statistics I am definitely in the at risk group. B) Part of my illness is the constant suicide ideation which is pretty much a daily occurrence and has been for a long time so I spend a lot of time trying not to think about it. That being said this is a topic that really needs to be brought more out in the open as the numbers of people taking this route off the planet is not getting any smaller.

For a lot of people who deal with mental health issues suicide may be a step away. One major event or one major loss may be all it takes to make the ultimate decision. Through the years I have gone down the list of the thousand reasons not to end my own life and I am down to one that I am not able to justify. Thankfully that one reason will keep me going for a very long time and it is I am not willing to drop that bomb on my child as I know the rate of suicide is substantially higher for people whose parents took their own life plus the damage it can do to a persons psyche will follow them around for a very long time to come.

Hope also keeps me going and at times makes this battle with the demon a little bit easier. The belief that tomorrow may be a better day and I need to be part of this life to find out.

A while back on a health forum someone asked why people with specific mental illnesses talk about suicide so often and are almost joyful when they do so. The simple answer is suicide seems like the best answer to make the pain stop and to stop the tornado that is ripping through their soul. Suicide is not about giving up it is about making the pain stop but unfortunately it is a decision that has permanent consequences.

When suicide becomes the best option it is a clear indicator it is time to hand over the reins of your life to someone else for awhile. Visits to the psych ward are not exactly fun filled events but if the trip is going to help you get your life back then it is well worth the effort.

The things that mean the most to us are those that we worked the hardest for. Life is full of ups and downs but it is the downs that make us appreciate the ups. Like I said earlier tomorrow may be a better day but you need to be apart of this world to experience it. Take care.

SUICIDE HOTLINES

ps - I do apologize for this post being all over a place but as I mentioned this is a topic I normally try to believe does not exist.

Military And Mental Illness

There has been a new study that just came out that states 300,000 US troops suffer from Major Depressive Disorder and/or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder also an additional 300,000 have suffered brain injuries. Out of these numbers only half have sought out treatment. This works out to 18.5 percent of United States troops are suffering from a mental disorder so roughly one in five. Very scary.(MSNBC article)

I wrote the following post near the start of this blog:

PTSD - The disorder that is about to explode

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is not a whole heck of a lot of fun. Basic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is watching or experiencing something tragic or along those line, Chronic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is witnessing or being a part of long term events that have left a major mark on your psyche, think long term abuse or military service on foreign land.

The big thing when it comes to either form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is that your constantly haunted by what you saw or experienced. One minute you are having a great day then some thing triggers the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder monster and the next thing you know it that flashback just sent you back straight to the incident. Try to sleep at night and take a wild guess what you are going to dream about. The purpose of therapy in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is to work through the event so it does not hold so much power and to identify the triggers that set it off.

Triggers are odd things and a lot of the time they are not really obvious. Everyone remembers the old war "comedies" where a loud noise would send the vet running or covering his head, this is a classic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder reaction which is not funny off screen. Triggers can be anything from a certain verbal phrase to an inanimate object to food to smells. There are certain food items that I watch people eat with their hands that almost always puts a flashback going through my head. I have had this trigger for as long as I can remember yet it is as still just as powerful as when it first arrived.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder was discovered, for the lack of a better word, after the first World War as all sorts of soldiers came back with terrifying nightmares and flashbacks burning through their brains except back then it was called Shell Shock. Every single conflict comes with a lot of people returning with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or various substance abuse problems that come from dealing or hiding from the reality of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The therapy has come along way over the last couple of decades or so but unfortunately every time the therapy hits a new level due to an increase in funding for research it is because a major war just took place. I don't know the actual number of soldiers returning with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder but I can guarantee it is a lot higher then the number the government says it is.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a difficult disorder to go to your doctor with as the male ego despises it. How is a big, tough Marine going to tell his doctor that a nightmare is kicking his ass so unfortunately instead of getting help they begin to self medicate, want proof? Remember the Vietnam war ... how many people came back addicted to heroin? What were they trying to forget or avoid? The big bad Post Traumatic Stress Disorder monster that will bring the strongest person to their knees.

Flashbacks are like a mini movies, kind of. Think of a terrible situation then drop yourself into the middle of it but you are powerless to do anything but watch what is taking place. Take a car crash that was severe, the person thankfully makes it through alive, goes through the medical procedures then slowly begins to heal. Something triggers it, could be something like the sound of brakes squealing then all of a sudden that person is back in the car heading straight towards the accident and there is absolutely nothing they can do to change the events but they experience it again and again until they find a way to deal with it which is not easy whatsoever.

The American public is about to get another eye opener when all the soldiers arrive back home and the mental health treatment bill comes into view both for treating Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and for treating the substance abuses that are used to cover up the disorder and to get through the day. It is going to be an expensive lesson that comes with every major conflict and tragedy.

The Bridge

The Golden Gate bridge in San Fransisco is one of the most recognizable landmarks in the world and it draws people from all over the world to experience its beauty. For whatever the reason this is also the place where a number of people end their lives. There are a number of suicide hot line phones placed along the sidewalks, it is closed to pedestrians at night and there is a mobile team of workers who are on the outlook for potential jumpers. The actual number of suicides is all over the map with the city of San Fransisco saying one thing and a variety of mental health organizations saying another.

In 2006 a documentary came out called "The Bridge" directed by Eric Steel. This production set up a number of cameras aimed at the Golden Gate bridge at areas where people were most likely to jump from. Nineteen people were filmed during their final moments by jumping from the bridge during the process and the film then offered interviews from the family and friends left behind trying to find the reasons why and what led them to the Golden Gate bridge to carry out their tragic decision. This film is disturbing but it does tell a tale that is normally not shared with most of the world.

The Big Warning Signs

After someone has made the choice to end their fight on a permanent basis the family and friends are left behind looking for reasons and the missed warning sides. Sometimes the signs are very obvious and other times they are difficult to find. Suicide is a way of making the pain go away but unfortunately it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. This post will cover the major warning sides that are common to planned suicides.

1. Sudden mood switch. The person all of a sudden goes from being completely depressed to eerily calm. This may be an indicator that the person has justified ending their life and the pressure that once held them down has now been set free. Remember severe depression goes hand in hand with distorted thinking. The focus is making the pain stop and not the long term ramifications on others.

2. Giving away prized possessions. The person loves a particular item then suddenly hands it over for safe keeping. The reasoning is pretty simple as where they are planning to go they will have no need for it and want to make sure it is looked after.

3. Focused on a date or a place. If the person keeps talking about how their life will be better on whatever date or when they visit whatever location this needs to be taken very seriously. This date or location may be the intended date that they prematurely leave this world. People travel from all over to go to San Fransisco and more specifically to the Golden Gate bridge and its not for the view.

Suicide Facts:
- There are more suicides then deaths related to war and violence combined globally
- More then 90% of people who commit suicide have a mental health disorder at play
- More women attempt suicide, more men commit suicide
- The most at risk for suicide is the elderly
- Mental health issues + alcohol/street drugs + firearms = Deadly combination

Suicide Resources
- Suicide Prevention Access Network (SPAN)
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
- Centre For Suicide Prevention (Canada)
- HopeLine - 1.800.SUICIDE

Dealing With The Aftermath Of A Slip

I remember the last major self harm episode like it was yesterday. It was three weeks into a hospital stay and I had been self harming pretty much all along. This day was no different then any others just the same ole stuff that I allowed to build and I needed a way to get it out.

The hospital ID bracelet was the tool of the day and with a small amount of effort I reached that desired point and created another scar that is not going away anytime soon. When it comes to people who have self harmed for a long time there is no such thing as a 100% safe enviroment. Anyway back to the story. For whatever the reason that day something clicked in my head that this was not the answer to my problems and if anything was just creating more difficulties. I decided it was time that I stopped this behavior for good ... again. This was also the day I was introduced to Seroquel and I am sure that had something to do with it as it normally prevents my brain from racing out of control where I then turn to self harm to bring it back down to speed.

It would have been five months yesterday but late last week I slipped then I slipped again. If I was looking for an excuse I doubt it would be too difficult to find but the same reason why I cut is the same as when I was thirteen which is instead of dealing with issues head on I chose to swallow them whole and it lead to a situation where either I took control by cutting or I waited til I exploded so I took the route that I know very well.

So now I am in a position that most people who are striving for recovery from self harm and that is to get back on the horse or accept the monster back into my life. This may sound like an easy choice but it is not for when self harm is present in my life things tend to go a lot smoother as it becomes the answer to everything and unfortunately does the job to well. The other side though is I know that like any addiction it does not take long before it is controlling me. At first it will be a small amount for big problems but like every other time it will end up with me blacking out in the middle of a cutting session and basically throwing my life up in the air without knowing whether or not it will land the right way. I can not forget the last bad cutting session was deemed a suicide attempt by the doctor.

There really is only one option and that is to dust myself off, learn the lessons that were taught and jump back on the horse. Take care

Three Different Posts Same Story

On Healthboards.com part of the depression board is an area to tell your story so I guess others can see similar cases to their own and in some cases stories of success. This post I am going to repost three posts from that thread that I wrote at different times for I think it shows the frustration that goes with living with a mental illness. I am going to warn you they are a bit intense in some areas so if your not in a great place mentally then you should probably skip this post.

The Short Version Of My Story part one - Sept 13, 2007

What I thought this section was for I guess is wrong. I am diagnosed with severe Major Depressive Disorder with Psychotic features, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. Right now I take Effexor, Wellbutrin, Remeron, Lithium and Temazapam. I deal with high levels of paranoia and will self harm when everything becomes to much. I had a rough childhood. All of the stresses, emotion, feelings and whatever I pushed down way inside. About five years ago my father died, my grandfather died, I graduated from college, moved to a new town, got married and started a stressfull career and I continued to push everything down and not deal with what was happening around me. I started to get sick a lot from stress and then my wife and I had a baby. About two years ago for whatever the reason my lid came off and everything came flying out. I spent two months in a mental hospital where they tried to get my meds regulated and I underwent ECT. I got out of the hospital and a few months later my wife left with our child. Its been about a year since that happen. My risk factor for suicide is way up there, I deal with suicidal ideation's on a daily basis, it is a constant battle to get up to do anything. On a emotion basis I don't feel anything which ends up leading to self harm. I have tried therapy but for whatever the reason they are not equipped to deal with someone like me so I stopped looking. Right now the goal is to get to tomorrow. With depression especially severe depression you have to force yourself to do everything and if you don't the depression gets worse. I am 33 and I need to tell myself what to do like I am a child or else I will not do it. I have to tell myself to eat, to go to bed, to shower and to leave the house for part of me would never get out of the bed unless I was forced too. I am going on two years dealing with this outbreak if you will and to be honest not much has changed from the beginning. The pills make it possible to get out of bed and to fall asleep at night they are useless for everything else.

The Short Version Of My Story part two - November 5, 2007

as my nightmare continues...

I checked back into the hospital as I was in a world of hell, loss control over self harm and was just tired of it all. They try ECT again but this time I stop breathing so that option is right gone, I came off of Wellbutrin, Remeron, Effexor within a five day to week period to get ready for a new class of drug MAOI. I am also borderline which according to the doctor hinders any progress I make with the depression as my so called personality guards the gates too tightly. I want to get better and I need to get better but the system and my brain are making it very difficult. So now I am back home because I feel safer and hoping my anxiety rates will drop down as they were going through the roof. Now I am on a high dose of Seroquel a couple of times a day to slow down the voice in my head, my thought patterns and what have you until Nardil has a chance to jump in to make an effect. The nightmares are brutal, the flashbacks are intense and it seems every time I turn around a new idea of suicide jumps into my head. Who the hell did I piss off in a past life to deserve this? It has to get better because I am way beyond as low as I can go. Every time I think I am taking the right positive step it blows up in my face

The Short Version Of My Story part three - Feb 11, 2008

I guess I should update this as it has been awhile. I am approaching my third year anniversary of the time I had my nervous breakdown which led to the situation I am currently occupying. Not much has changed in the last few months Nardil I guess was working to a certain level but no where near what I had hoped for. It was stopped due to the drug interactions and my need to get some dental work done and like usual I paid dearly for that decision. I am trying to figure out whether I am actually still fighting the depression or I have resigned to the fact this is how my life will be from now on so I might as well get used to it. I still keep track of my moods to discover any patters but I am really not sure why I continue to do this. Therapy has hit a dead end as the Borderline aspect has kept all of the so called mental health professionals away as I am deemed to difficult to treat so apparently there is different levels of being mentally unwell and if you pass a certain line your pretty much outcast. I still put effort forward trying to figure out my own head and to see if I can make sense out of it as I guess from a professional standpoint I am alone in this fight. When I first became ill I thought with enough work by me and the help of local community resources it would not take long to get back to where I thought I wanted to be but close to three years later I understand my illness to a much higher degree but I am no closer to that original goal. My favorite saying as of late is severe depression is like walking on water either you force yourself to move forward or else your going to drown. Well I am moving the problem though is its in circles.

- All of the above post needless to say I was not in a happy place when I wrote them but I think they show the volume of fight I am currently in. take care

An Anniversary

I have spent some time trying to figure out what I was going to do with the official one hundred post milestone. I have decided the best thing to do is to create a list of my ten favorite posts and what they mean to me. So lets get this on the road and here they are in no particular order.

1. Lessons we learn in death

- This post is very recent but if a post taught me anything about getting my life in order then this is it. After I finished writing the article I posted it then did not come back to it for a few hours. When I read it again I was surprised at how much it made sense and then the realization that I have a long way to go.

2. Highs and lows of Borderline Personality Disorder part one / Highs and lows of Borderline Personality Disorder part two

- To me these two posts define BPD and what makes this disorder so incredibly difficult at times. To be honest I have almost deleted each of them on many occasions as they serve as a reminder how a lot of time the decisions I make or made are based on an idea that is not even real but a screwed up perspective. At the same time I think on an educational purpose that is normally not talked about when it comes to BPD.

3. How my personal war effects my son

- This post was incredibly hard to write as it reinforces the message that I am not the parent that I want to be. At the same time my son is the reason why I continue to fight and if I need additional fuel for the battle I just need to go back to this post.

4. Higher education versus real education

- Few of the posts sum up the difficulty of mental illness to the level as well as this particular article does. Not crazy about the way it was written but the raw emotion attached to it puts the post on this list.

5. What not to do when dealing with someone who is mentally unwell

- When this article was written it took a weight off of my chests and I think at the same time it may be beneficial to others helping someone who is unwell.

6. Borderline Personality Disorder

- This article received not a lot of attention in comparison to some of the others but it brought in a good number of emails from people thanking me for writing it. The largest area of concern around BPD is the stigma that surrounds it and I hope this article, and blog, at least makes a dent in it.

7. You want to put electricity in my brain

- This post deals with ECT (Electro Convulsive Therapy) a rather controversial treatment that is still used with regularity today. To me ECT defines how bad depression can be as most people would never allow this procedure to happens but for some people it is not only an option but very tempting as well. This article covers the complete procedure or at least what I remember plus the risks that go along with it. The second part to this article was "Shock Therapy part two"

8. The story in the picture

- This article is centered around a painting of Heath Ledger and what emotions it brings up inside of me. Again a lot of raw emotion and the picture still makes my heart skip a beat.

9. Self Harm or how far I have gone to save my life

- I have addressed self harm numerous times on this blog but none to the level of this article. This is my journey through self harm, the emotion and thoughts behind it and a way to escape from this dangerous behavior.

10. Free Writing

- I spent a long time trying to figure out how to write about a recent event and this is what came of it. When bad times comes back around and I need another reminder of why suicide is the wrong choice I will refer back to this piece of writing.

Well there you have it my so called top ten. I guess a though will pop up in some of my faithful readers minds that I avoided the majority of my "real" personal stories and the only thing I can say is a lot of them have been told to doctor after doctor, nurse after nurse plus a few therapists that they still have an emotional impact but no where near what the tales use to have. Take care.

The Reality Of Mental Illness

Unfortunately nothing shows a mental illness full power then that of a suicide. The disorder has so completely filled the persons world full of chaos and pain that suicide is not only an option but seems like a perfect idea at the time. Ninety percent of people who end their lives were dealing with a mental illness at the time that they made a tragic choice. Over 30,000 people will take their lives in the USA in any given year and three quarters of a million will make an attempt. Suicide is a part of mental health that needs to brought out into the open, discussed at great length and a lot more research needs to be done to bring the numbers down.

I came across this website last night "everyminute.org"and they are on a mission to get everyone who has anything to do with mental health on the same page and as a collective voice tell congress that more research is needed in the areas of mental health and suicide. They are not asking for money but just a signature to add to their list so they can take it to the people who control the budget strings and put mental health back on the drawing board so that more people's lives can be saved. Please go to their site and add your name.

If You Kill Him We Will Kill You

I finished reading The Innocent Man: Murder and Injustice in a Small Town by John Grisham the other day. Before reading this book I was on the fence when it involved my view on capital punishment but now I have completely fallen off. The picking of sides was not really a result of the book as I have read many which were a lot better but because it reinforced a couple of questions I had regarding the death penalty.

1. I have spent a lot of time going through different states rosters of death row prisoners and there are cases where the crimes were truly horrific but the majority do not differ from the average murder. Lady justice may be blind but she is not deaf so the quality of lawyer seems to be the difference between life and death. Remember OJ?

2. Every six months or so someone walks off of death row thanks to new evidence normally DNA. This raises the question how many innocent people have been put to death and for me one is too many but I believe the number is a hell of a lot higher then that.

3. The death penalty is not a deterrent if anything it might be an easier way out. If you are a criminal who just killed a person who was facing life without the possibility of parole would you stop there or keep on going to make sure your capital punishment qualified? Remember the phenomenon of suicide by cop where people make a violent gesture at an officer in the hopes that they will kill them instead of spending the rest of their lives rotting in a prison cell.

4. The mental health area. This area is a little bit trickier as it covers a potentially wide area. Here are a variety of mental illnesses included in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders): Pedophilia, substance abuse, antisocial personality disorder which includes both psychopaths and sociopaths to name a few. Now if everyone from death row who is classified as mentally unwell is removed from death row there would be a lot of empty cells. Again this does not justify their behavior in any way but should make a difference when capital punishment is the penalty. Put them in a prison and throw away the key if they can be treated to where they are no longer deemed a risk to society plus served enough time to be properly punished then start looking at parole but the way the penal system is designed in the USA that will never happen.

5. The families of the victims. The death penalty does not bring immediate closure to their pain for the process of capital punishment lasts for way to long and repeatedly reopens the wounds. It is my belief that knowing that the person responsible for the crime will never set foot in society again is a lot more mentally healthy then reliving the event over and over again at each stage of the appeal process.

I believe the death penalty is going to disappear in the USA in the next ten years or so and replaced by life without the possibility of parole sentences as the evidence pointing at a broken system is really beginning to pile up. If there was a way to guarantee that every person had the same level of qualified representation, the evidence proved without a single doubt that the person is guilty and the process was a heck of a lot faster then I would change my stance but that will never happen.

Thanks to Nyte's Blog for the idea of this post

The Best Parts Of Having A Mental Illness

The 2.7 million self improvement websites I crossed today on stumbleupon in the last couple of days all said the best action a person can take is to focus on the positive so lets give it a shot.

1. Finding out who your true friends are. Nothing makes people run away faster then the mention of a mental illness. At the beginning everyone sticks around but as time progresses the number gets smaller and smaller until your real friends are left.

2. Finding out what your truly capable of. I never knew how much inner strength or will power I truly had until I became sick. After going to your absolute bottom and some how finding the strength to still fight you find out who you truly are at the core level.

3. Finding out what is important. At one point I had the middle class dream of a nice paycheck and a house with a white picket fence. After the depression tornado took everything away I learned the only thing that really matters are the people in your life for they can never be replaced.

4. The ability to start over. After the mental illness beast has finally left your world you are awarded a second chance of choosing on what kind of life you want to live a luxury the "normal" people can not pull off very easily.

5. The power of knowing. For a very long time I seem to be wandering around in the dark with no visible purpose in my life and I could never figure out why. When the day came and the realization that I was mentally ill a boulder was lifted off of my shoulder for now I had an answer and knew exactly what I had to do to fix it. The purpose of my life is simple and that is to enjoy life as we only get one crack at it.

To be completely honest here I am rather amazed that I was able to think of five reasons and I am sure there is a lot more but Seroquel is working a little bit too well tonight so my brain appears to be running in slow motion.

Self Harm Awareness Day

March 1st is Self Harm Awareness Day across the world. I was seven or eight the first time that I self harmed. At the time I was constantly being punished by adults for being a bad kid so I figured if I would punish myself to make myself good then people would leave me alone. Like I said I was seven or eight. The cutting behavior showed up when I was thirteen in the middle of a suicide attempt. My world at the time was chaotic and full of pain so I chose to end it. With blood coming out of my wrists something happened and all of a sudden I felt much better as my emotions seemed to have left my body mixed with the bodily fluids. For the next twenty years off and on this became my main coping mechanism. There have been times where I went to far and probably should not have walked away. There have been times where I cut for no real reason at all just out of habit. There have been times where self harm "solved" my largest problems and there has been times it was used for the smallest of reasons. Self harm is a major problem in a lot of peoples lives and it needs to be dragged out into the light. If you know someone who self harm wrap them up tight in your arms and remind them that you will always be there when they need you.

Celebrities who have self harmed:
- Johnny Depp
- Amy Winehouse
- Fiona Apple
- Princess Diana
- Colin Farrell
- Angelina Jolie

Helpful Sites regarding self harm/self injury
- S.A.F.E Alternatives
- LifeSIGNS
- Self-Injury: A struggle
- Secret Shame
- Psyke.org
- To write love on her arms

Older posts regarding self harm
- Helping someone who self harms
- Self harm or how far I have gone to save my life
- Self harm - Way too many scars

The Lovely World Of Casinos

Back in the 1990s I use to work at a major Casino in Ontario, Canada. I was a blackjack dealer and for a while it was the best job that I ever had then my conscious started to kick in for some reason. A casino is a great place to study human behavior by the way and to be honest it is not very pretty.

My job was pretty simple as all I did was wait for the customer to put his or her money down then lay out the cards and follow the rules to a game that has been around forever. Sometimes the house and sometimes the customer won but it really did not make much of a difference to me as I was paid by the hour, sure there was the bonus of tips but they were combined and then spread out to every dealer working. Don't get me wrong tips were appreciated but chances are the cards had more to do with it then my skill and performance.

After I was at the casino for a rather short time I began to recognize the customers who always seemed to be there and the study of human behavior began. There were the people on the slot machines who would never move and they accomplished this by wearing diapers. Want to know if that man or woman had been on the machine for a long time all you do is have to take a quick sniff. The stories the clean up crews use to tell about finding adult diapers in the washrooms and behind the machines was enough to remind me that slot machines are evil.

When it came to the players at my table there seemed to be three specific groups. 1) The tourist who came in from off the street with a hundred bucks to test their luck for the day who really did not seem to concerned if they won or lost and for some reason when the cards finally switched to my side the typical response was a smile. I guess dropping a hundred bucks makes a good story to tell their friends once they arrived back home. 2) Your average players whose moods seem to follow their luck with the cards. When they were winning they had huge smiles on their faces and a lot of stories to tell but when they began to lose the smile was gone and they had the look of someone wandering through knee deep mud and they had just lost their boot. 3) This last group I will call your die hard players. This group was never happy even when they were winning. The player may have just won a huge bet but there focus was still on the fact if they did not keep winning chances are the children at home would not eat. A fact they liked to say repeatedly with their time at the table "Hey dealer if I don't start winning soon then my kids are going to be eating cereal till my next check comes in". For some reason they believed it was my fault that the cards did not like them. This is the same group who when they lost would threaten to find you in a parking lot and extract their loses from you in a violent fashion, "Ah security over here please". I had one lady who always seemed to find my table and she was a rather lovely woman who would spend the entire time flirting but all of a sudden she would pull herself away from the table with this response "Oh your eyes just turned color it is time to find a new table". The really odd part is every time that she did that the cards went from customer friendly to adding to the profit of the casino so maybe there is some truth that a happy dealer deals happy cards but I wouldn't bet on it.

The most extreme example of a gambling addiction that went way too far is a story out of the Windsor Casino which is across the river from Detroit. An off duty police officer was playing blackjack and I guess he managed to lose his entire paycheck rather quickly. This poor soul stood up from the table, pulled his service pistol out and ended his life in the middle of a crowded casino floor. Not really a big surprise that Las Vegas has the distinction of being the suicide capital of the USA for a really long time. Take a look at this site for more suicide stories attributed to gambling.

With the explosion of online casinos over the last few years more and more people are at risk. Now it is as simple as logging onto a casino site, entering your credit card number and watching your financial stability disappear. Even those who do not play with real money are at a risk for an addiction that keeps them isolated and is a breeding ground for mental illness. Here is a good article that covers online gambling addiction.

When it comes to gambling you may be betting with more then just money you might be playing for your mental health and possibly your life. Remember the house always wins in the end.

If you or someone you love is in the grips of addiction or close to it the following site offers an assessment tool to determine the risk and how to get help. Responsible Gambling

Mental Illness To Do List

All of a sudden the winds of change come roaring in from the north and leaves you suffering from a mental illness. This may very well be the most difficult stage in your life but there are things that you can do to speed up the process and get you back into the ballgame called normality.

1. Hate to break it to you but your doctor, nurses, therapists and counselors are human beings who do make mistakes. If you do not agree with what your mental health professional is saying then question it immediately. Last time I was in the hospital a nurse came by to take my blood. I asked what the test was for and she gave me an odd look then checked the form. The test she said is to test my lithium level and I responded nicely I had stopped taking lithium a couple of weeks earlier. She checked and sure enough I was no longer on Lithium so no poking needles for me.

2. Write everything that you want accomplished in a doctor's appointment beforehand. The problem with some mental illness is difficulties with focus. The doctor says something that sends you in the wrong direction and before you know it all of your questions that you wanted answered never happened. Write your questions and concerns down and just hand the paper right to the professional at the start of the meeting.

3. Keep a daily journal where you include all emotions and behaviors through out the day. This serves two purposes (A) It provides the doctor with the information that will help them serve you better (B) It may show you and the professional the patterns that you seem to be following and the faster they are identified the easier they are to correct. This is a very helpful tool when figuring out meds, med dosages and self injury trends. When I started Seroquel everyday I would have problems in the earlier afternoon. The doctor took the action of adding an additional dose and the difficult period disappeared. A trend I have experienced is when you tell the doctor of a bad period they are slow to react but when they see it written down on paper the doctor quickly responds. Go figure.

4. Tell your doctor, therapist or whoever everything. Something that may seem small and insignificant to you may be a indicator of a major problem. Your mental health professional relies on you for the information to help solve the issue and if you do not tell them everything your basically shooting yourself in the foot

5. Medication. There is a very good reason why your doctor has you on medication and I know the side effects suck but it is important to stay on them and make sure you take the meds every single day. When you decide not to take your med one day and then starting again the day after your putting your brain almost into a shock like enviroment which causes more problems. For the majority of mental meds to be effective they need to hit a certain level and stay there. If the side effects are just to much to handle then call your doctor immediately but do not stop the meds on your own or you may be introduced to a new level of hell.

6. The stronger your support system is the better off you are. The best part of the internet age is that it is easy to find support. Find a forum that you like, join an online group, invite your friends and family to join the fight just do what you have to do to get as much support as possible. Unfortunately all of your "friends" may be on board at the beginning but a lot of them will disappear with time. Online forums and groups are full of people with the same condition, emotions and behaviors who can identify with your battles and are quick to offer a pep talk, advice or an ear to listen.

7. It is up to you. The best care in the world will mean absolutely nothing if your not willing to fight for yourself. Sitting around waiting for the sickness to disappear may work with the flu but it does not work with mental illness. If you do nothing then nothing will happen except for your condition getting a lot worse. Fight for your life and fight for your recovery.

8. Routine. It is important to establish a routine and follow through with it. With depression it is easy to let little things slide such as eating, hygiene and leaving the house. Every day I make sure I eat, shower and leave the house at least once and to be honest more then once I had to force myself to do so but I recognize how easy it is to fall into a trend that will just cause more difficulty.

9. Recognize when your in trouble and act. There may be times when your brain just decides to jump out of your head and go south. This is the time when you tell your doctor that it is time for a more intensive form of treatment. The saying I use that involves this area is "When I can not convince myself I am not a danger to myself or anyone else it is time to check myself in". The life you are saving may very well be your own.

10. Hope. Never give up on hope that things will get better. If you believe that you will never get better then that is exactly what will happen. Remember it does not matter how you fight just that you are fighting. Never give up on yourself.

Well there is my top ten to helping yourself on the way to recovery. Believe in yourself and the possibility of a better tomorrow then you are already on the path to wellness but whatever you do don't give up.

Helping Someone Who Self Harms

I spent a good portion of today using stumbleupon to view the various self harm/self injury/self inflicted violence sites that are out there and I was left shaking my head. The advice given to use when someone in your life that uses this negative coping behavior was almost scary so I figured it was time to make a list of my own in what helps and what doesn't.

1. Using Guilt To Get The Person To Stop - This really really does not work. What it does is sends a message to the individual who is self harming to be more careful in not getting caught the next time. I have seen too many young people who participate on forums saying "I tried to talk to my parents but all they do is make me feel guilty which makes me want to cut more".

2. Saying "Scars last forever" - This might work on someone who has cut once or twice but it loses all of its power after that. Once you past a certain number another scar really does not matter. Personally the use of self harm in my life was done so I will not explode and don't end up taking my own life. Don't really care what I look like in the casket but I am trying to delay it for as long as possible.

3. Ignoring The Marks - Whether it was completely by accident or the person wanted you to see the mark take the opportunity to discuss it with the person. Keep in mind though that the focus should not be on the mark but what led to the action that created the mark.

4. Using Religion - Seen way too many forums where people ask for help and in return a person responds using a quotation from some form of religious writing. Another guilt trip using someone else's words is still a guilt trip that will not work.

5. Not Taking It Seriously - A past post dealt with this which is located here. Whether or not the person is self harming for attention, release or suicidal intent you really do not want to take a chance. A mentally healthy person does not "cure" themselves by inflicting damage on their own body and chances are a major mental health problem is at play. Encourage the person to see a mental health professional or grab them by the ear and drag them to the local emergency room. A self harm accident usually reads suicide on the autopsy report.

6. Help The Person Create A Safety Plan - A main part of this plan should be that you will be there for the person when an urge arises and here is the important aspect you actually need to be there. When I first became sick all of my friends said anytime I needed them they were just a phone call away then apparently changed their phone numbers within a couple of months.

7. Therapy And More Therapy - Long term readers of this blog are now scratching their heads due to my relationships with therapists but when it comes to self harm therapy is very important if the goal is to stop long term. Most people who self harm A) Do not know how to express their emotions in a healthy format so they end up swallowing their pain and then use self harm to release these emotions. The purpose of therapy is to teach the basic skills needed to handle emotions in a healthy way. B) The person does not have a person in their lives who they feel safe or comfortable to really talk too as they are concerned about their image, they do not feel that the people in their life are actually listening to them and they do not want to burden someone else with their problems. A therapist can solve all of these issues by being a safe point for the person to unload on with no fear of judgment or consequence.

8. Relapses Will Happen - Just like in any other form of addiction relapses are almost normal when it comes to recovery. When a relapse happens just brush the person off and encourage them to jump back on the horse. A relapse is not a failure just another hurdle to get over. I met one lady who said she went three months then relapsed then five months then relapsed and all she could focus on was the relapses when from a different perspective she has had a eight month recovery process with two minor relapses. Focus on the positive not the negative.

9. Blaming Self Harm Behavior On Their Friends - I keep seeing too many people push self harm to the side with a comment like "Oh she/he is just trying to fit it" or "It is part of the teen subculture Emo". Think about that for one second. Your young person is so easily influenced by friends or a cultural movement to purposely inflict damage on their bodies. A therapist might say there is self esteem issues at play and so would I and again self injury can be an indicator for a much larger problem that needs to be attended too.

10. The Earlier It Is Caught The Easier It Is Stopped - Self injury tends to start with a major crisis in the persons life but it very quickly becomes the preferred method to any sort of problem large or small. Some people come home from work an grab a drink to unwind I use to grab a razor for the same reason. Catch the problem when it is small and the chances of recovery are significantly higher.

The reason I never use the term "Self Mutilation" for that brings up an image of a drunk teenager writing their girlfriends name on their body with a razor then dumping ink over it to create a home style tattoo. As for your other questions I have been cutting off and on for two decades, it has been around four months since the last time and I have too many scars to count.

Cleansing Of The Mind

It has been a weird and very long day. Woke up this morning and my body felt like someone spent the entire night beating it with a cane as every muscle and bone was on fire. The Seroquel prevents my brain from running off into the manic sunset but it also puts a haze on everything that I see. Not thinking of depression or self injury because I am not thinking. When the drug begins to wear off I find myself in a place in the far corner of my brain so I quickly take that next dose to go back to the land of nothing where I don't have to feel or remember garbage that should be long gone by now. Looking in the mirror is an adventure in itself as I stare and stare yet my brain can barely recognize the broken man staring back. My eyes have lost their sparkle and I can feel the depression demon breathing hard on the back of my neck that is making my blood run cold. The war in my mind has been going on for so long I really do not have a clue what I am fighting for anymore. Can't be fighting for happiness as I have no idea what it is and doubt I would know what to do with it. I know pain and I know misery as they have always been a part of my life hell I came out of the womb swinging with two clenched fists ready to go. My body is covered with scars that can be read like books, the battle to save me volume one to a thousand. Passed the four month mark of being self injury free but it is not as accomplishment just a combination of a med and my inner self who can't be bothered I am probably healthier when I do cut at least then I am making an effort. Staring at the scars from that last session right before I threw my hands up in the air and admitted I was completely out of control and there they are a series of bright pink marks that have not even attempted to fade. A gentle reminder that I was a couple of millimeters to entering that permanent sleep where there is no pain and my emotional turmoil is finally silenced but I am still here today and I will be here tomorrow searching for the missing pieces that will finally put my life back into some sort of order. My disorders have taken my ex wife, my child, my career, my hopes, my dreams, my sense of worth, my self esteem, my stability and all that remains is a skeleton too angry to just fall down and die. There is nothing left to take so is it not time for depression to hit the road and find its next victim or will it not be satisfied until I am six feet under. Tomorrow will be a better day is what they keep telling me but I have been waiting for tomorrow for way too long and I am at the point where I don't believe tomorrow will ever come. Drugs are kicking in so I need to go find my bed so I can lay down and fall into a deep slumber where the nightmares will take over and I will feel every punch and kick in the morning.

Shock Therapy Part Two

I found this video on YouTube that talks about depression and electro convulsive therapy which to say is controversial is like saying Bill Gates makes a decent living. I have written about this before and the article can be found here about my own experiences and a step by step guide to the session. For some people this procedure is literally life saving but for others it makes no difference at all so it has one heck of a gamble to it but when you have nothing to lose you are willing to go to any level to get back to the surface. The link at the end of the three minute program is www.shockdoc.tv

Reading People

I have been reading people for as long as I can remember. It started when I was very small watching my parents and the other adults in my life for signs that the situation was about to get out of control. Every little gesture, change of volume in their voices and the look in their eyes told me a story that it was time to make myself scarce quickly. Now I am the person who sits in the corner with his back against wall watching other people and how they react for basically the same reason I am trying to keep myself safe. In the world of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder this is called being hyper vigilant and it is as common as air.

At some time in the persons life something really bad was either experienced or witnessed so now the brain is on high alert to make sure it doesn't happen again. So you constantly take mental notes of the enviroment that your are in, watching people for any sudden changes and your body stays rock hard getting ready to either react or to run. Day in and day out your preparing for the worst but instead of getting better with time it continues to get more and more out of control. Too many people turn to alcohol or street drugs just to be able to relax by sending their brain into a different direction. A portion of the PTSD population deal with flashbacks and nightmares so severe that they will not leave their homes as they are terrified of the possibilities that might exist outside their locked doors. Unfortunately some people with severe demons from the past will end up taking their own lives just to escape the live nightmare. The majority of people with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder also carry the diagnoses of a form of Anxiety Disorder and Depression as they tend to go hand in hand.

I use to check the obituary's in the paper where I grew up on a very regular basis waiting for a certain name to appear as I believed when the person was no longer on this planet then my PTSD would simply disappear. The day finally came and there she was in the obituaries but instead of my flashbacks and nightmares surrounding this person disappearing they actually became a lot worse for a time. I use to think if the person was gone then I was safe but the reality of the situation is I am a thirty something year old man who weighs in at a solid two hundred pounds so this person seized to be a physical threat a long time ago. The part that causes so much anguish in my head is not the actual event but what the event represented which is a total loss of control where I was completely vulnerable. So now I constantly read people to ensure that I am never caught off guard and always ready to respond to make sure a similar emotional event does not repeat. A number of people have told me that I need to trust other people more easily but the problem is the adults in my life who were responsible for my welfare as a child failed to do so. At a very young age I learned how to read others and blend into the enviroment without attracting the wrong kind of attention and this limited the number of really bad confrontations but it also set the groundwork for Borderline Personality Disorder.

I have gone to work on my head over the last couple of years trying to pick up items that have fallen off the shelf and organize everything else. When it comes to the area where the PTSD originates I can not go near it on my own for every time I try I end up in a place mentally that is responsible for more then one suicide attempt. I hope one day I will meet a therapist who will help me justify this area and make sure I do not get lost in the past.

A Crash Course On Manipulation And BPD

Manipulation is used on a regular basis when in comes to Borderline Personality Disorder but how it is done and why often differs from person to person. For some reason I will go through the various ways I have used manipulation to serve my false self image.

Ending A Relationship -
- For reasons that only the BPD person knows someone in their life needs to go away and in some cases stay away. The problem is if you hastily end it then you look like the bad guy and chances are guilt will appear both which are not allowed in my mind. I will basically set a trap, leading the other person into a confrontation that will appear to set off a rage (which I completely control) by the time the confrontation is over the other person is in a complete state of shock and confusion while running out the door. Now my mind justifies this as it was the other persons actions that led to the rage and if this person knew me better then they would have respected my boundaries then the confrontation would not have happened. The part where I arranged the whole thing my mind just conveniently forgets. So if I did nothing wrong then there is no reason for guilt and I am still the good guy. My fragile false self image is still intact.

Doctors/Therapists -
- The goal is to keep myself out of the hospital and to do that I need to make sure my risk factor is in check even when its not. My doctor is very predictable and tends to ask the same series of questions every time so I basically rehearse my answers long before the appointment happens. If I feel that I need a med change then I make sure the answers are there to support it but mainly it is about keeping that risk factor low. The questions that I need to watch are those about suicidal ideation and self harm. Suicidal ideation questions are answered with a "No more then normal" which is a complete truth but I also know I have been answering this question the same way for so long I doubt my doctor knows what normal is. Self harm is a bit trickier especially when your still cutting so I make sure it is down played with answers such as "I have it in control" or with the answer "Not very often" but again I know my doctor has asked once to see the marks in the fifty plus times I have seen him so the odds are one my side. Right now I am nearing the four month anniversary of no marks what so ever so the answer is no and it is actually no. I don't lie I just don't show the whole picture and the way the system is designed it is very easy to get away with it

Nurses and Others -
- When I was in the hospital a number of staff believed I was manipulating the nurses and in a way they were right but I will try to show you the reason behind it. I am someone who remembers damn near everything and I appreciate people who are honest and open with me. People are basically classified in two sections safe and not safe. If a person is safe then that is who I will go to with any problem, that is who I will go to with any question or concern and when I am half a step away from crossing the danger line that is who I will seek out. If a nurse is classified as unsafe I will do whatever is possible to avoid any interaction with them as I don't feel like I can trust them so what they get is a bunch of yes or no answers and if they try to push it then chances are a confrontation will happen that will send a clear message it is better to just let me be. How does the classification work? Good question. I ask the same questions to a lot of people then take their answers that forms the groundwork. If the person gives me some generic answer then chances are they are going to the unsafe category for my brain sees it as them looking at the disorder and not at me. I watch them interact with other patients and I can see whether or not their heart is in it and I look for tells that say this person is here for the money and not the patients. Remember I have worked on the other side of the fence so I have a lot of interactions and people to compare it to. There are a lot of good mental professionals out there who are doing it for the right reason but at the same time there are too many who have reached the burnt out stage and need a career change before they end up as a patient. Everything to me is about safety as in keeping myself safe so the people in my life need to care about my well being or they need to go away and everything comes back to trust. If I can not trust you to give me an honest answer on something small then why would I trust you on something big such as my health and well being. I believe everyone in the world does this and if you don't think so ask yourself out of all of the people in your life why do you always go to a select few when you need help. When I am in a hospital setting I need to figure out very quickly who my rocks are so to speak because chances are I am going to need them when the wrong situation arises. I had an extremely bad morning when I was in the hospital and there was no safe staff on duty so I knew I needed to come up w