A Change Of Pace

My brain just does not want to cooperate today so instead of digging around to yank out a story I will just due a little update of what is going on in my life at the moment.

Exercise - I am roller blading almost every night for about half an hour. I tend to skate at night as there is less cars on the road and I really have not figured out how to stop yet. Almost was tagged by a car last weekend so I bought a bunch of reflective tape and covered up the skates so hopefully that will help. I probably should incorporate some sort of strength training along with the cardio and that is the plan just need to figure out how to implement it.

Reading - Finished reading "Crazy" by Pete Earley a couple of days ago and it was good but could have been a lot better. The personal side of the story was very brief and the rest was just pointing out the obvious when it comes the downfalls of the mental health system in the USA and how prisons/jails are the new asylums. It is a good read my expectations for it were pretty high going into it. If your not familiar to the mental health system then this book is a good starting place. How is that for a mixed review.

Right now I am reading "Girl Interrupted" by Susanna Kaysen which to be honest is a lot different then the movie as the book is written in almost blog form where she jumps from topic to topic and there is no start to finish story at least not in typical fashion.. All of the same characters are there but the book does a better job of showing the reality of mental illness. Every once in a while something does not make sense but then I need to remember this took place in the late 1960's so mental health has made some progress since then and the perception towards mental illness has shifted. I still have about half way to go but it may be the best book I have read written from the patients perspective.

Movies - The last movie I watched that is mental health related is "Reign Over Me" with Adam Sandler. This movie does do a good job at showing PTSD and psychosis at its rawest form. There is a scene taken place inside of a courtroom that completely pissed me off and tore out my heart at the same time as I could identify with the character a little bit too much. It is a good movie but I suggest you be in a pretty good place mentally before watching it as there is a ton of potential triggers especially for those dealing with depression, PTSD and psychosis. The trailer is at the end of this post.

Mentally - It feels like I am at a crossroads of sort and I have no idea where I am going. On one side I know what I need to do but the path is not very clear as all I can see is my doctor. The confrontation that is coming is either going to get him back on board or its going to completely separate the relationship that we have but this is the path that leads to actual recovery. The second road is just accepting who I am and the cards that have been dealt. This is the easier of the two but the path is definitely not smooth as it is covered with speed bumps of depression, a speed limit defined by psychosis and this road seems to curve so I have a feeling it comes right back to where I am standing. Like I said my brain is in a weird place today.

In Memory Of Jeff Healey

Yesterday, March 2nd 2008, Canadian music legend Jeff Healey lost his battle with cancer and passed away at the young age of 41. Some of you may remember him from his songs "Angel eyes" and "My guitar gently weeps". Others may remember him from the movie Road House starring Patrick Swayze way back in 1989 where Jeff played the character Cody and for his musical performance.

Mr. Healey started to play the guitar at the age of three which is not highly unusual except he lost his sight to cancer at the age of one. I don't believe that Jeff truly received the stardom that he deserved by the public but I know within his peer group of jazz musicians there was a lot of respect not due to his disability but for the quality of music that he produced.

Jeff is survived bu his wife Christie and his two children Rachel and Derek. Canada has lost one of it brightest stars and the World mourns the loss of a great musician. Visit his site at http://www.jeffhealey.com/ and if you have any extra cash lying around maybe a good idea would be to donate it to one of the various cancer societies across the world. Rest in peace Jeff.



CBC picture and story link

Self Harm Awareness Day

March 1st is Self Harm Awareness Day across the world. I was seven or eight the first time that I self harmed. At the time I was constantly being punished by adults for being a bad kid so I figured if I would punish myself to make myself good then people would leave me alone. Like I said I was seven or eight. The cutting behavior showed up when I was thirteen in the middle of a suicide attempt. My world at the time was chaotic and full of pain so I chose to end it. With blood coming out of my wrists something happened and all of a sudden I felt much better as my emotions seemed to have left my body mixed with the bodily fluids. For the next twenty years off and on this became my main coping mechanism. There have been times where I went to far and probably should not have walked away. There have been times where I cut for no real reason at all just out of habit. There have been times where self harm "solved" my largest problems and there has been times it was used for the smallest of reasons. Self harm is a major problem in a lot of peoples lives and it needs to be dragged out into the light. If you know someone who self harm wrap them up tight in your arms and remind them that you will always be there when they need you.

Celebrities who have self harmed:
- Johnny Depp
- Amy Winehouse
- Fiona Apple
- Princess Diana
- Colin Farrell
- Angelina Jolie

Helpful Sites regarding self harm/self injury
- S.A.F.E Alternatives
- LifeSIGNS
- Self-Injury: A struggle
- Secret Shame
- Psyke.org
- To write love on her arms

Older posts regarding self harm
- Helping someone who self harms
- Self harm or how far I have gone to save my life
- Self harm - Way too many scars

Ice Picks And The Brain

If you ask a lot of people to name a mental health procedure chances are the word Lobotomy will show up a few times. This practice which was once considered to be the great cure by mental health professionals is now looked at as a massive mistake and most wish to push it far under the rug as possible. Lobotomies were stopped for the most part in the late 1970s.

Most people I would imagine remember the character Randall McMurphy from One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest who was lobotomized due to a verbal tirade against the head nurse unfortunately this is closer to reality then most realize as lobotomies were used on people for the smallest of reasons towards the end of its therapeutic history.

The former United States President John F Kennedy's sister Rosemary was given a lobotomy as her father felt she was too moody. The procedure left Ms. Kennedy in a state similar to an infant. Rosemary's sister Eunice Kennedy Shriver founded the Special Olympics in her honor in 1968.

Approximately 40,000 Americans underwent this procedure with varying results and the doctor who refined this psycho surgery was awarded the Nobel Prize for his "revolutionary" procedure in 1949.

Shock Therapy Part Two

I found this video on YouTube that talks about depression and electro convulsive therapy which to say is controversial is like saying Bill Gates makes a decent living. I have written about this before and the article can be found here about my own experiences and a step by step guide to the session. For some people this procedure is literally life saving but for others it makes no difference at all so it has one heck of a gamble to it but when you have nothing to lose you are willing to go to any level to get back to the surface. The link at the end of the three minute program is www.shockdoc.tv

Mental Illness On The Big Screen

I was over on NAMI today reading what they had to say about the whole Britney Spears fiasco that is being played out by major media corporations around the world. Anyway while I was there I found a quick review about a movie that is based on a true story of a family dealing with the actions of a schizophrenic mother and from the brief trailer it appears to do a good job of portraying the chaos that can be typical in many families across the world. The movie is called Canvas and it did very well in a variety of film festivals but for what ever the reason it is is going straight to DVD. I am interested in seeing this film and would like to hear from anyone who saw it and what their take is.

At the same time as viewing the trailer for Canvas I thought about the movies that have come out in the past that show the effect that mental illness can create. Here is a brief list of some of my favorites in no particular order

1. Girl Interrupted



2. I Am Sam




3. A Beautiful Mind




4. One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest




5. Benny & Joon





There can be arguments made about each of these movies that from certain perspectives that they are reinforcing the stigmas of mental health but I believe the overall theme of the pictures does more good then harm. Let me know what you think.

Tomorrow Will Be A Better Day. I Hope.

Ever stare in the mirror and not recognize the face looking back at you? Ever search your brain for a happy memory but draw blanks? Ever been in so much pain that you grab a razor to let it out? Ever have suicidal thoughts raging through your brain but you don't have the strength to fight them.? Every spend a day wandering through your life waiting for the next brick to fall? Ever been to the absolute bottom and the only thing that saves you is a face of a child? Welcome to severe depression.

Severe depression is like walking across water where you either push your self to move forward or your going to drown. Spend days after days waiting for the pain to end and waiting for your life to belong to you. People around you start to talk about suicide so you stare at the floor for your eyes would tell the story of where you stand. I don't agree with suicide but my goodness I understand it. I understand the possibility of a sleep where you don't wake up but the pain is gone and the tornado has finally disappeared. Every time I go through a rough period it picks a part my soul and each time I wonder if I have the strength to drag myself out of the black hole or is this the time I seize to fight.

Hope is what keeps you going. The hope that tomorrow will be a better day. The hope that finally you have found the right med that will just give you the edge to finally destroy the monster that is sucking the life out of you. The hope that one day my life will be nice, simple and boring. The hope that one day I can put forward a post that states I have beat this monster once and for all. Hope is all I have left but its enough to get me to tomorrow and a promise I made to my son that I would always be there for him so I continue to fight and hope.

Chantix Quit Smoking And Welcome To Hell

A new FDA warning came out on Friday, February 1, 2008 that Chantix may cause psychological programs in some users. Apparently the FDA has received reports that 39 people have taken their lives and close to 500 people made a serious attempt at suicide do to exposure to this drug. The company Pfizer Inc has added a new warning to the box so people know that quiting smoking may potentially kill them or at least want to. The non smoking aid Zyban has a similar warning on their box and as most people already know this drug is also called Wellbutrin a top selling antidepressant out on the market place.

I wonder about the research trials that goes with each new drug and have to question how accurate these studies are. Why is it that every few months another drug is being banned or forced to add additional warnings to the box because people are showing up dead or in great stress due to the medication. Is it not the purpose of these trials to make sure the drug is safe for the public? There is a drug called Trovan which is a drug created by Pfizer to battle meningitis but during the last part of testing in Nigeria a high number of children either died or were disabled due to their alleged interaction with this med. The country of Nigeria sued the makers of Pfizer then went one step forward and criminally charged executives from the company. The other odd part about Trovan is that it is allowed for limited use in the US for adults but Europe has completely banned this drug, at one point the receptive audience for Trovan was much larger in the US but people started dieing and liver damage began to show up in increasing numbers so the FDA restricted this drug. But not everything is negative in the Pfizer world as they are responsible for Viagra and that has made a lot more people happy then Pfizer's antidepressant Zoloft, a drug that is getting its butt kicked in court as people believe that it increases suicidal ideation and actions. Nice eh.

I think there needs to be a worldwide standard when it comes to medication so if it is good enough for the people in Europe then it is good enough for me. The drug trials sound like they need to be a lot longer then they are currently and larger in numbers to make sure that all side effects are known before the med is made public. The side effects that are showing up when it comes to Chantix did not take that long to appear so how did this get missed during the trials? I would like to think that all drug trials are a hundred percent accurate and safety reigns over profit but I also think that maybe tomorrow I will wake up and all of my problems will have disappeared.

Do your research on any and every drug before you swallow it. Start at crazymeds.us as the webmaster has done a lot of work for you already.

Celebrity Suicide

During the process of finding the lyrics for Alice In Chain's "Brother" I came across a piece of trivia that caught me off guard. Layne Staley died on April 5 from a drug overdose which is the same day but eight years apart then Nirvana's lead singer Kurt Cobain who took his own life.

Two men in the prime of their lives cut short from mental illness and I know some people are going to say they died do to their drug habits but substance abuse is classified as a mental disorder when it reaches the addict stage. Here are two people who are living the dream of every small child and a lot of adults. The lead singer of a world famous band, legions of screaming fans, every wish and desire at their fingertips but yet both took a path that would end up costing their lives. If their world was so perfect then what was the reason behind the heroin? Cobain had well know stomach problems so he said heroin was the best medicine for it which is a good excuse and typical of an addict, Staley fought depression through out his life so the drugs were in place to make him feel good or maybe to feel something at all. Any long term fan of Nirvana and Alice In Chains knows the music they produced was amazing but the emotional level was normally in the depression full of rage stage and not exactly the type of music that one would sing around a camp fire. Part of me wonders why they never really sought treatment especially early on was it the worry that the public would view them in a bad light which may end up being bad for business or was it the drugs worked so well they did not realize that they were dying from the inside out or was it simply they were on the long term plan for suicide and this was their goal. Cobain was found in a room above his garage a gunshot taking his extraordinary life and enough drugs in his system to kill a horse, there are theories that he was murdered but even so all it did was move up his death date that he was fast approaching. Staley died from an extremely large amount of a mixture known as a speedball which is cocaine and heroin combined this man had a very long drug history so there was nothing accidental by his overdose but a direct way to take his life in the form of a rock star suicide.

Owen Wilson nearly died a few months ago and initially it was deemed a suicide attempt but his family quickly spun it and announced his actions were due to a drug problem as somehow it is better to be known as an addict then someone who is battling depression for we all know that substance abuse problems can be fixed easily by just going to rehab for 30 to 60 to 90 days whatever is needed and well depression is not so easily fixed and if people believe you are unstable then your not going to be cast in the next blockbuster. I hate to break it to you but mentally sound people are not addicted to dope and chances are the reason the substance abuse started is to hide the symptoms of a mental illness. Another example of a man living the perfect dream but self destructing with the little help from mental health issues.

Poor Britney. Where the heck do you start. Are her mental problems the sign of a life long mental illness? Had her mental health issues began or the result of the intense pressure she has been under since she appeared on the world stage? How big of a role is substance abuse in her life and has clouded judgment been the result of the steps she has taken? I have no idea but the last two seem pretty obvious to me. Every second of your day people are watching and waiting for you to screw up so they will have a story to write about or a picture to publish the pressure to perform the "perfect popstar" facade has to be brutal and would get to the most mentally sound person out there. Her mother wrote a book about being a parent to a superstar and giving advice to fellow parents on how to raise a healthy child, of course with the reports of Britney's little sister being pregnant this book is being held back for awhile. I wonder how many signs the mother ignored fearing bad press would result in poor record sales, what was Britney's manager doing when she was crying out for help and her world was crumbling. I wonder how many of Britney's "friends" stood by and in their hearts knew something was wrong but they did not want the party to stop. When it comes to mental illness the person with the disorder is responsible for their lives but it is difficult to see the world crumbling when you are surrounded by people telling you that your life is perfect.

Like most people I would love to be a rock star or a blockbuster actor but I know I couldn't handle the whole package as the down side to being a celebrity is pretty brutal. "My world is so perfect that I use drugs to null the pain" there is always two sides to every story and not everything you see is real.

Someone asked me about Tom Cruise the other day and what I thought about him especially his stance regarding Psychology. The way I see it there are a million books on the subject and Mr. Cruise has read maybe one or two of them yet sees himself as an expert on the topic, most of his views come from very limited studies done from one perspective which is as reliable and accurate as asking the makers of an anti depressant what they think about anti depressants. One day God was handing out brains in one line and looks in another ................... you know where I am going with this.

My New Old Favorite

My favorite song for the last year or so is Alice In Chains "Brother". For the longest time I really could not tell you why. I was and still am a massive Alice In Chains fan and believe them to be the top band of their era and especially style yes even higher then Nirvana and Pearl Jam.

To me music is an emotional journey and I look for musicians that I can relate too. Alice In Chains I can relate to even though our source of pain is different. Where Layne Stanley battled heroin addiction and I was fighting depression but the pain he and Jerry Cantrell wrote then performed I understood.

Brother was written by Cantrell for his sibling in a way to bring them closer together but when I hear the song coming out of Layne's mouth that is not what I hear or vision.

Frozen in the place I hide
Not afraid to paint my sky with
Some who say I've lost my mind
Brother try and hope to find

You were always so far away
I know that pain so don't you run away
Like you used to do

Roses in a vase of white
Bloodied by the thorns beside the leaves
That fall because my hand is
Pulling them hard as I can

You were always so far away
I know that pain and I won't run away
Like I used to do

Pictures in a box at home
Yellowing and green with mold
So I can barely see your face
Wonder how that color taste

You were always so far away
I know the way so don't you run away
Like you used to do
Like you used to do

To me this song is about Borderline especially recovering Borderline where you are searching for that real person that you know is in there but is having difficulty coming back to the surface. My real self disappeared when I was three or so out of fear as the wrong reaction from my end would produce either an emotional barrage or a physical one. I hate the concept of an "inner child" but maybe it applies here as the adult in me is trying to convince a little boy that he does not need to run and hide anymore, that is okay to come out from under the bed and that I know the way now where we can be happy and more importantly safe.

The thing that bothers me the most about the stigma that is attached to Borderline Personality Disorder is that I get the impression that people think that I chose this path like someone chooses to drink or do drugs to cope. In a way I chose but not in the same way for at the time in my life I realized to protect myself I needed to basically be someone else or put forth an image that would protect me and not draw attention so instead of expressing my emotions I turned them inwards as I never knew what behavior of mine including speaking would end up in a bad lesson learned so I only spoke when spoken too and I did absolutely everything that was asked for and somewhere along the line I began to separate in to two different personalities in a way. The one was the little boy you saw in Church every Sunday smiling and laughing the perfect child but the child on the inside was afraid of the dark, afraid of any little noise and learned how to read people to prepare for any reaction. Over time the little boy inside began to fade and the Church boy was more and more present but he was standing on a teeter tooter trying to maintain an image that he believed others expected of him so at times his balance would shift suddenly and he basically exploded with frustration while at the same time he was trying to protect his brother who was hiding in a dark corner terrified of the light. Now it is time to bring the real me back to the surface and teach him all of the things he should have learned decades ago. To all of those who believe Borderline Personality Disorder was a conscious choice you are right, when I was three years old I chose a path that would keep me safe and now I have this wonderful disorder.

You were always so far away
I know the way so don't you run away
Like you used to do
Like you used to do

Rest in peace Layne I hope you have finally found the peace you were searching for

Girl, Interrupted (1999) - A Review ... Sort Of

"I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside"

This movie is based off the book of the same title written by Susanna Kaysen from her experiences of time spent in a mental health facility in the late 60's. The movie stars Winona Ryder and Angelina Jolie who won an Oscar for best supporting actress for the part. Susanna disillusioned with her life tries to commit suicide and is sent to a mental health facility in order to rest and get her life back on track.

This happens to be one of my favorite movies for a number of reasons and times watched are probably in the hundreds. The way the film portrays the hospital is very realistic at least in my experiences except for the bowling alley but the casual day to day living to the brief moments of excitement are typical in todays mental health wards. Most people are under the impression that the majority of your time is either spent in bed or dealing with some person of the therapeutic team but actually a very high percentage of your day is spent with fellow patients and over time relationships develop somewhat similar to the movie. There are patients who dominate the ward in terms of personality then those who just go along with what is happening then the rest who try to interact with the group as little as possible.

There are parts of the movie that don't make any sense to me such as Lisa being capable of leaving a high security floor and then able to get Susanna to leave with her, escapes are so rare off a high security floor that when they do happen they make the newspaper and the television but mind you things have changed in the last thirty years. Another part that I found odd is the number of patients who remained there during Susanna's two years there and no new patients coming off of the ward as in todays facilities the population is constantly changing and outside of a few exceptions long term stays especially in years are pretty rare, the hospital in North Bay Ontario still has a few patients who receive lobotomies back in the sixties but these people have no chance at recovery due to the mid evil treatment they received a long time ago. Long term patients can be looked at from two perspectives and they are A)The mental disorder is so extreme it is beyond medication and therapy so the person would be a threat in society B) The staff of the facility is so incompetent that they are unfamiliar with the concept of psychology to make a sick person well again - there are horror stories that come out of state hospitals in the USA that prove this theory by instead of promoting positive they would repeatedly try to beat the bad out of someone to make them well, most state hospitals have been closed over the last decade and a lot of potential patients are ending up in the prison system.

Through out the cast or patients there are a wide variety of mental disorders present from being gay to a eating disorder to a chronological liar to mental retardation which would not land you in a mental facility at least not for long. Being gay might be a mental illness or it might not decides which side of the fence you are on but either way it will not land you in a facility in the hopes of "curing" someone. Eating disorders now have their own systems and only last a few days for the most part until a specialized bed opens up in a treating center which is not to say that there are not people with eating disorders in the hospital because they are but it is normally a symptom or reaction of another disorder that is being treated. Chronological liar to my knowledge is a personality disorder but I have never crossed a person with this disorder while in a facility as I don't think they pose much harm to the community and normally if their lies hit a grand scale they will end up in jail before a hospital. Mental retardation is evident to some degree in a hospital but again at least in Canada the majority of people with severe enough disabilities reside in group homes unless they enter a psychotic episode then they are brought to a hospital setting. Again these disorders and how they are treated are more a sign of the times then an error by the director.

Susanna's diagnose of Borderline Personality Disorder is rather weak in my opinion as for the most part I can not see it. It is clear that she has a form of Major Depressive Disorder, self harm issues and a lack of a vision for her self but that is not BPD in my opinion that is just different symptoms of a depressive disorder. Mind you that back in the sixties the definition for BPD is a lot different then it is today.

Lisa's diagnose of a sociopath has left me scratching my head as well as to me she is a true borderline struggling with an inner self image and living in the here and now with no worries of long term consequences. Sociopath or antisocial personality disorder has a lot of tendencies or characteristics that cross over into the borderline personality disorder realm so that is probably what is causing some confusion on my behalf the line I guess is BPD people are aware of the difference between right and wrong where your sociopath does not really bother with it.

I have ordered the book from Amazon and it is due to arrive sometime in February I believe so I am hoping that by the book I will be able to see more of the characteristics of the people on the ward to help join those missing pieces where the questions now lie.

This is a very good movie and if you have not seen it you really should as it shows a mental disorder from the human perspective and the hope and work required to get through a difficult situation.



Tony - "Do you see purple people? My friend, he saw purple people. And so the state came and took him away. He didn't like that. Some time went by and, and he told 'em he didn't see purple people no more.
Susanna - "He got better.
Tony - "Nah, he still sees 'em.

The scales of depression

Depression is a bad word and more so when you have to live with it. When you tell someone that your being treated with depression they give you this funny look that basically says "Hey everyone gets depression just stand up, be a man and plow through it" mind you most people hear the bad word they think of a teenager crying because their boyfriend just banged their best friend. To me this is not depression this is the case of the blues that with a little time and a lot of tissue will go away on its own.

I am diagnosed with Severe Major Depressive Disorder with Psychotic features which basically means I am fighting for a life that I have really no interest in saving. I deal with suicidal thoughts on such a regular basis I almost wonder what is wrong when they do not show up. Combine this disorder with my others and I am a sky high risk factor for damn near everything and it means it is beyond difficult to treat effectively. When I say depression I am talking about the type where just getting out of bed is a challenge, you need to remind your self to eat on a daily business and suicide is not only an option but the best idea you have heard about in a long time. Why am I still breathing? Simple answer is I have a four year old child and me taking the easy route out means his life will be effective negatively which is something I am not willing to do. I will live in hell on earth if it means he will have a good life.

People hear my diagnose for this area and the word Psychotic immediately jumps out at them and scares the lights out of them. My Psychotic feature is for a long time I would hear a voice that was not my own inside of my head. This voice would not tell me what to do but would encourage certain behaviors and make sure my good days did not last long. It would have wonderful little comments such as "Wouldn't it be so much easier if you just downed that bottle of pills and just go to sleep for a long time" or "You know every time you cut you always feel so much better afterwards" or to wreck my days comments such as "Remember when so and so did this to you" or "Remember when you walked through the door and saw your father lying in the casket". Not much fun what so ever and you will argue with this damn voice for every waking hour that you have. Took a drug called Zyprexa for a while that shut this voice right up and kept my brain from racing problem was I gained seventy pounds in a six months period so it had to go. Now I take Seroquel which is doing the same thing except for the weight issues mind you I do work out a lot and my antidepressant requires that I follow a pretty strict diet. My Psychotic status does not mean I will stab you with a fork unless you really deserve it then we will see .... I am kidding put the straight jacket away.

I have had a form of depression since I came out of the womb just trace my family tree and there is no doubt where it comes from and why I am cursed with this disorder. There are also situational factors that play into it that are going to require some time on the therapist's couch but since I am also Borderline most of them stay right clear of me. Much easier to treat the simple cases I guess and to the hell with the oath they took.

Borderline Personality Disorder

Ever wanted to know what it feels like to be treated like a leper? Get a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and you will come really close. Doctors, therapists and other people see those three little letters and they run like hell. BPD automatically gives you the reputation of someone who is a master manipulator, only cares about themselves and views the world though a black and white perspective with nothing lying in between. Is this accurate? It depends on the day.

A long time ago a small child became fearful of expressing his emotions to the so called grown ups that were in his life in fear of a response that is far from being pleasant. So what is this child to do? He learns how to survive and the first step is to keep all emotions bottled up inside then to present an image that will keep him safe. This new image begins to create a new personality where on the outside it looks like he is a strong stable person but on the inside it is constant turmoil. This new self image becomes the most important factor in the child's life so he learns how to keep this image appear in a positive light and develops a system to make sure that this image is kept in tact, for the better state of the new personality the better the child feels about himself. Some people are able to let this figure be put to rest when they enter a more positive stable enviroment where the rest of us allow this imaginary person to become very real and dominate all aspects of our lives and end up with the BPD diagnosis.

Living with BPD is all about maintaining that self image that is rocky at the best of times. This inner personality only cares about how the situation is going to effect him. If someone attacks me in the verbal sense my number one priority is to protect my self image so I do what it takes and unfortunately this means entering a "rage" that will send a message to the person that what they are doing is a very bad idea. A rage looks like the person is completely out of control and has the potential of doing anything but like the self image it is meant to protect it is an illusion as the person with BPD is in complete control. The rage is used to send a very clear message that the person has crossed the invisible line that puts my self image in jeopardy which is not allowed as the better off my internal personality is the better off I am overall so I do whatever is necessary to keep it safe .

Manipulation is used to get the response you are looking for either positive or negative. I rehearse every conversation that I may potentially have to make sure that I am ready and that no surprises will arise. A classic case of manipulation is when ending a relationship is I prepare a conversation that will have the other person set off a rage in me then giving me the excuse I am looking for to make the other person go away. By doing this I have no guilt about the relationship as it was the other persons fault even though I controlled every step of the way it ended. My self image is still stable as I did nothing wrong and if the other person knew me better they would not have allowed them selves to be manipulated so I did the right thing by doing it this way. A long as I can justify it from a logical standpoint then I am fine.

Emotions don't exist for the most part in the BPD world and everything comes down to logic no matter how faulty it may be. BPD sufferers deal in a world that consists of yes or no or black or white with nothing that lies in between. The area that is avoided is where emotions exist and it is an area we do not understand as when most people were being taught how to express their feelings we were in a position where the emotions had to be buried so they never had a chance to grow and understand. What we do know is what other people expect from us in an emotional capacity so we learn how to fake it. I can appear as the most loving boyfriend in the history of the planet but like a lot of my life it is an illusion as I learned how to express my so called emotions by reading Cosmo so I know what each gesture is suppose to mean but for the most part it is an act like an actor playing a role.

Everything comes back to the self image. When my self image is at a good level I see the world in a rather positive way and my behavior reflects this. When my self image is having a rough period my depression kicks in to high gear and I have to deal with all the garbage that comes with it. Needless to say for the longest time I would do what ever was possible to make sure that my self image is kept up high and it justifies most of the actions that I take to ensure my inner personality is protected.

The problem that comes with living your life in this fashion is that nothing is real. My inner self image is a perception or how I view myself the confusion is which version of me is looking. Is it my upper self image or my lower self image that is taking it all in but the problem is neither one of them is based in reality but a series of boundaries, limits and rules that were created to make me appear as someone else not who I really am.

A couple of years ago I realized that every thought and behavior I had was not based in reality but what I perceived it to be. So very slowly I went through my head and picked every thought apart to see where it came from then tried to slowly implement change to bring out the real me which has been a royal pain in the ass because basically I had to start over from scratch and at the same time ignore the impulse that is saying if I let the BPD take control my life would be easier and it would be but not very fulfilling.

The medical and therapeutic community treat BPD like it is not treatable and once your beyond a certain point your destined to live the rest of your life in this fashion. Therapy is ineffective or at least BPD is very difficult to treat as someone who has multiple self images quickly switches from one to the other depending on stability. The goal is to finding the real self image then going to work on it. My doctors have called me untreatable but I have full intentions of proving them wrong once again. I have learned how to stop and analyze the situation before responding which has been a massive step that has made the world of difference as before my response would be to best serve my false self image now I see it from a different light and have realized not everything is a an attack so there is no reason to act as such.

A lot of people with BPD will never be diagnosed for the simple reason they do not believe anything is wrong with their logic. People with BPD run huge companies and corporations with success for everything is based off of logic and emotion never comes into play. This is perfect for a lot of work settings but the problems they cross is outside of work as they feel unfulfilled so they end up working way to much or start abusing substances to fill the void inside of them.

I made a decision to become a better person and to get the life that I deserve but to do it I had to admit that everything in my life was faulty and I have been living a lie since I was three years old. It is unfortunate that the battle is that much harder trying to overcome the stigma that comes with the Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis. I am trying to fix myself and a little help would be appreciated not the medical community writing me off as too difficult to treat.