Self Harm Or How Far I Have Gone To Save My Life

I have addressed this before in a prior post but I am hoping by bringing it back up it is going to shine a new light on a problematic behavior that effects a lot more people then society would like to believe.

I am a cutter who at the moment is in recovery but the term cutter should and can be used to describe anyone who self harms no matter the device or method they prefer to use. In the past I have burnt my flesh, used thumb tacks to draw blood and create ugly scars, have used the patient ID bracelet to cause enough damage where I bled for a good half and hour, have punched concrete walls, banged my wrists on the edges of tables and damn near put my head through a bathroom stall all in order to get my brain to focus on the pain and not the tornado of inner emotions flying around my brain.

There is a ritual that goes along with self harm that is as important as the act itself and people hit their release point at different stages. Some peoples point is when the blood appears or the damage is created and for others it is the act of cleaning the wound and yet for others it is somewhere in the middle. For me it is about the blood and I need to see a lot of it before I reached my own point. Pain for me does not work anymore as my tolerance level is way to high so now it is the idea of as the blood spills out of my body so does everything that is negative as well.

To me there are two types of people who self harm A) Spree Cutters (self harmer's) B) Pure or long term cutters. The spree cutter is someone who does it every once in a while when they are under an obscene amount of stress and normally would never undertake such a behavior but at the moment they are running on pure impulse. The pure cutter has incorporated self harm into their daily lives and it has become routine. Someone may come home from a hard day at the office and grab a drink where your pure cutter will grab a razor but both are seeking the same effect, a way to relax and for a little bit of relief. The spree cutter may or may not be looking for attention but more then likely someone is going to notice the mark they made and confront them hopefully where as the pure cutter knows all of the tricks and insider secrets to make sure that no one finds out about what they are doing to their body as the last thing they want to do is explain to someone why they cut for it is really hard to do as most people do not understand. Also in the pure cutter category chances are they have dealt with a medical professional in the past and the experience has left a bitter taste in their mouths so they are extra careful not to be discovered. If I had to choose between treating a spree cutter or a pure cutter first the spree category wins and it is not a hard choice as your pure cutter is trying to maintain control of their lives where as the spree cutter engages the same act from a position of little to no control so to me they are the ones in the most danger. I don't understand why people react the way they do to others who self harm and trying to make some one feel guilty is the absolute worst thing that you can do which way end up pushing the person over the edge as you just confirmed every doubt in their head. The perspective I use when dealing with someone who has just started to self harm is that this person tried to end their own life to escape the pain that they are in so they need help and to be taken seriously not a lecture on the stupidity of the act. The dumbest approach to use with a pure cutter is the lecture along the lines of look what you are doing to your body for the person in this behavior has so many marks already another one is not going to be a deterrent.

How to stop or greatly reduce self harm in my opinion is to start to teach people at a very early age on how to communicate what they are feeling and offer a place where they can direct this type of dialog with no fear of being judged or ostracized. If a person is able to let go all of the emotions that are inside of them then the risk of them self harming is basically erased for if nothing builds up then there is nothing to release, if they know how to clearly communicate their anger and frustration in a healthy manner they will not turn it back on themselves in a form that causes personal damage.

The notion that people self harm because they do not respect their life is utter nonsense. If someone lets all the emotional turmoil build up inside to the point where they either snap and either badly hurt someone else or they turn it inwards which leads to suicide. Self harm is used to make sure this does not happen that the emotions are not allowed to build to such a level where suicide appears to be a very strong logical choice. Pure cutters are all about control in every aspect and by harming themselves they keep themselves in check for they know if the tornado inside reaches a high enough point and comes out at once it may very well be the last time so they do what they can to prevent it and unfortunately it means they will grab the nearest object that will inflict damage upon themselves. Self harm can be extremely dangerous and accidents do occur but in the "normal" society they are not called accidents but suicides.

For a long term or pure cutter to stop there are two parts to it. The first is to replace the negative coping skill with a more positive one and I am not going to go in it as there are enough lists on other things to do then self harm out there. The second step is all about will power and inner strength as now you need to break the habit that self harm has become and trust me it does not take long for the addiction to begin and I would imagine more then one therapists has heard someones reason for cutting being along the line of "I have no idea why I cut I am just use to doing it". Think how easy it is to make that drink after work to become routine and you get the idea on how fast cutting becomes the same. For awhile after I stop I deal with constant urges and I dream about cutting as it has been a big part of my life for a long time and it feels funny without it for awhile but the longer you get away from it the easier it becomes as long as the rest of your life is not overly dramatic at the time. I keep going back to it when I hit a place mentally that I can get no relief from in any other way so I turn back to the coping mechanism that has always worked and very quickly it is a prominent staple in my world again. Drugs in the anti psychotic class seem to work for a lot of people when they are stopping self harm behavior as you are able to think rationally and the impulse element is low mind you a lot of these meds have their own demons to deal with but just do your homework and find the best one for you.

What is the key to stopping self harm permanently? To find a healthy coping skill that reaches the same type of feelings you get when you self harm and to be able to communicate with someone the emotions that you are feeling before they get a chance to build. This blog is a part of my therapy as it lets me get out my turmoil and at the same time gives me the opportunity to explore certain issues in my life from a new perspective and if I am able to reach out and help or educate someone else then that is just a bonus.

The scales of depression

Depression is a bad word and more so when you have to live with it. When you tell someone that your being treated with depression they give you this funny look that basically says "Hey everyone gets depression just stand up, be a man and plow through it" mind you most people hear the bad word they think of a teenager crying because their boyfriend just banged their best friend. To me this is not depression this is the case of the blues that with a little time and a lot of tissue will go away on its own.

I am diagnosed with Severe Major Depressive Disorder with Psychotic features which basically means I am fighting for a life that I have really no interest in saving. I deal with suicidal thoughts on such a regular basis I almost wonder what is wrong when they do not show up. Combine this disorder with my others and I am a sky high risk factor for damn near everything and it means it is beyond difficult to treat effectively. When I say depression I am talking about the type where just getting out of bed is a challenge, you need to remind your self to eat on a daily business and suicide is not only an option but the best idea you have heard about in a long time. Why am I still breathing? Simple answer is I have a four year old child and me taking the easy route out means his life will be effective negatively which is something I am not willing to do. I will live in hell on earth if it means he will have a good life.

People hear my diagnose for this area and the word Psychotic immediately jumps out at them and scares the lights out of them. My Psychotic feature is for a long time I would hear a voice that was not my own inside of my head. This voice would not tell me what to do but would encourage certain behaviors and make sure my good days did not last long. It would have wonderful little comments such as "Wouldn't it be so much easier if you just downed that bottle of pills and just go to sleep for a long time" or "You know every time you cut you always feel so much better afterwards" or to wreck my days comments such as "Remember when so and so did this to you" or "Remember when you walked through the door and saw your father lying in the casket". Not much fun what so ever and you will argue with this damn voice for every waking hour that you have. Took a drug called Zyprexa for a while that shut this voice right up and kept my brain from racing problem was I gained seventy pounds in a six months period so it had to go. Now I take Seroquel which is doing the same thing except for the weight issues mind you I do work out a lot and my antidepressant requires that I follow a pretty strict diet. My Psychotic status does not mean I will stab you with a fork unless you really deserve it then we will see .... I am kidding put the straight jacket away.

I have had a form of depression since I came out of the womb just trace my family tree and there is no doubt where it comes from and why I am cursed with this disorder. There are also situational factors that play into it that are going to require some time on the therapist's couch but since I am also Borderline most of them stay right clear of me. Much easier to treat the simple cases I guess and to the hell with the oath they took.